Ruby Slippers Posted June 24, 2017 Share Posted June 24, 2017 (edited) I've noticed in dating that I go through spells where I'm meeting guys with similar qualities. The latest spell is widowers - mostly guys who were married since their 20s, now in their 40s, and their wife died in the past year or two. They're refreshing in that they seem very relationship-oriented, unlike a lot of the other options - many divorced and jaded, separated, sugar daddies with their harems, or playboys who want to keep playing. I've talked to a few widowers, but it wasn't till recently that I met one who seems to be a good match. He's an attorney, athletic, very intelligent and articulate, romantic, and we have a whole lot of things in common, many uncanny similarities. But I have zero experience dating a man in this situation, and I'm wondering if anybody does and has any tips. Technically he's not a widower, since it's his ex-wife who died a few months ago. They divorced 4 years ago, but stayed friends, so clearly it was still a big loss for him and I imagine the feelings are similar. Edited June 24, 2017 by Ruby Slippers Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 24, 2017 Share Posted June 24, 2017 I never dated a widower, but I have 3 friends who are widowers in their 40s or early 50s and all three are great guys in terms of character, commitment, etc. For me, the biggest drawback would be if they have young children. I have 2 kids of my own that I have 50% of the time, and I just don't see myself wanting to take on the added commitment of more children 100% of the time (since they wouldn't have a mother to share custody with). Older kids would be fine, but little ones would be tough for me to get used to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted June 24, 2017 Share Posted June 24, 2017 I'm not sure I have any 'tips', maybe you could be more specific. I do know that it takes a lot of compassion on my part sometimes to honor the space he still has for his now-deceased wife. I know that I will never be able to be to him what she was to him, and that he's still processing her loss some days. But, as our relationships continues to deepen, we are creating new experiences and new ideas of what a committed relationship can be like-for him. (He never was really prepared for not being with her for the rest of his life...) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 24, 2017 Author Share Posted June 24, 2017 Thank you. He doesn't have kids, and neither do I. I want kids if it's possible, and he's open to it. I guess my main concern at this point is whether he's ready. He hasn't dated since her death, and said he's not sure if he's ready, but won't really know till he gets back out there. I feel like you should know if you're ready, but I haven't yet lost anyone really significant in my life to death, so I'm not sure if that's an unrealistic expectation. He seems like a great guy and he seems to like me a lot. I guess I want to make sure he's not just trying to quickly fill the void she left with somebody, anybody. We seem like a great match. We're both very brainy and articulate, poetic and dreamy. Intuitively I feel I should take things slowly. I don't suppose there's anything wrong with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 24, 2017 Share Posted June 24, 2017 Oh man, I'd love one of these! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 Being that they were divorced 4 years ago changes things a bit, imo. sure, losing a close friend, an ex, just a few months ago is quite a loss, but the fact that he probably has already processed the divorce says that he might be ready to explore a new relationship. Has he dated others since the divorce? I would give him ample space, but still be mindful of what your needs are. It sounds like you two have a lot in common so just be your fabulous self, have your boundaries intact, and go for it! It probably would be a good idea to know what he is looking for at this time in his life, which would require having a light conversation about that- I just wouldn't force having any 'serious' discussions yet. That's my best advise: keep it light and fun and if real feelings/a connection starts to develop, than be clear on where you stand and take it from there. good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 guys who were married since their 20s, now in their 40s, and their wife died in the past year or two. There is no way I would date someone so soon after a spouse died. I would say after a marriage of 20 years, steer clear for 5 years minimum. He hasn't dated since her death, and said he's not sure if he's ready When you're ready, you know. If you don't know, you're not ready. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 Thank you. He doesn't have kids, and neither do I. I want kids if it's possible, and he's open to it. I guess my main concern at this point is whether he's ready. He hasn't dated since her death, and said he's not sure if he's ready, but won't really know till he gets back out there. I feel like you should know if you're ready, but I haven't yet lost anyone really significant in my life to death, so I'm not sure if that's an unrealistic expectation. He seems like a great guy and he seems to like me a lot. I guess I want to make sure he's not just trying to quickly fill the void she left with somebody, anybody. We seem like a great match. We're both very brainy and articulate, poetic and dreamy. Intuitively I feel I should take things slowly. I don't suppose there's anything wrong with that. This line here you said it all: We're both very brainy and articulate, poetic and dreamy. Intuitively I feel I should take things slowly. I don't suppose there's anything wrong with that. Then you go for it girl! I am like him in many ways too.. Men like us are really a dime less than a dozen.. LOL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 I was talking about this with a friend recently and widowers are like hitting a jackpot. They are able to commit, are emotionally mature but with a bonus of no ex wives left to meddle. I wish I could meet one. I find it interesting that you go through stages of attracting similar types of men. I have noticed it myself. Few years back, I went through a stage of attracting hard core anarchist types. I dated 3 in a row. I found them so exciting at first - but then realized how self obsessed they are and all they were interested in were their outlandish theories. All had very similar personalities. Unfortunately, I am currently going through a "messy separated men" stage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 I doubt any of this will interfere with having a normal relationship. There is nothing special about his situation. Date away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 26, 2017 Author Share Posted June 26, 2017 I was talking about this with a friend recently and widowers are like hitting a jackpot. They are able to commit, are emotionally mature but with a bonus of no ex wives left to meddle. I wish I could meet one. I find it interesting that you go through stages of attracting similar types of men. I have noticed it myself. Few years back, I went through a stage of attracting hard core anarchist types. I dated 3 in a row. I found them so exciting at first - but then realized how self obsessed they are and all they were interested in were their outlandish theories. All had very similar personalities. Unfortunately, I am currently going through a "messy separated men" stage. I totally want to write more to you, but I'm typing on my phone at work. Seriously, the last 10 men anywhere in the ballpark have been widowers. We're meeting for drinks tonight. He's handled every step of the communication and date planning perfectly, which is something that like 1 out of 10,000 men do. Though I want to take it slow, I'm also aware that a man like him will not stay single for long. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 I was in a relationship, albeit very short, with a widower and dated casually two others. All I have to say on this matter is tread carefully. How ready they really are for another serious relationship depends on a million factors. My experiences have not been positive ones and the reason why I no longer date men who identify as a 'widower' in their dating profile. Can of worms. Your situation may appear more unique than most in that they were divorced for many years before her passing BUT the fact that they remained good friends and that her death is still very fresh is definitely cause for pause. And lets not ignore that fact that he has already warned you that even he's not sure he's ready for anything serious right now. Go ahead and date him and enjoy whatever time you get with him but please go in with eyes wide open. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 Being a stickler for details, technically he's not a widower. He was divorced for four years and his ex wife passed. No kids. He's a divorced man who's ex wife died. Ok, that's a big thing and then bigger because they remained close. He loved her, she was a large part of his world both because he married her and then because they maintained a relationship afterward. When people we love die, it leaves a mark. This said, I say go for it also. I am a widow and started dating at almost three years after. Still with the same dude. Everyone is different, of course, but the biggest take away for me is that life is short. I think about my late husband every day and what I think about most is to live, love and laugh. To not take people for granted but speaking only for myself, bullmarkey is on a very short fuse. Not having it. Otherwise, Full Monty of Life...good luck Ruby Slippers. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 My xBF was a widower. Other than he sucked at communication, he was a really good BF. Treated me better in a lot of ways than most men I've met. I feel it's similar to divorced guys in a way. Some are able to deal with their stuff and move on quickly. Others dwell on it and are the same 5+ years later. The one positive I took away from him, is that he had a good, loving relationship under his belt so he was positive he could do it again and wanted it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 27, 2017 Author Share Posted June 27, 2017 Typing on my phone again. The first meet was fabulous. He asked me out for dinner Friday night. Actually, we met at a place for drinks and he asked me within 15 minutes if I wanted to have dinner after drinks, but I wasn't very hungry, so we just relocated and had more drinks and tasty appetizers. He says he and his ex divorced 4 years ago and stayed friends. I asked if friends meant sex, and he said no, just friends. He hasn't dated anyone since the divorce. I haven't yet delved into why. First I just wanted to get the basic facts. He said he married her for the wrong reasons. He said she was very pretty but not on his level intellectually and he was a cliche, marrying the arm candy for shallow reasons. She died due to complications of an ongoing medical condition. He's been very communicative and sweet since, in hot pursuit mode. I'm enjoying it, but I've got my feet on the ground and am evaluating him for long-term potential. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 29, 2017 Author Share Posted June 29, 2017 I just started dating this man. He's been pretty amazing so far, but I'm starting to feel a bit unsure. He has gradually and sensitively revealed that he comes from a high society family of significant wealth (millions). He's a very accomplished attorney, went to a prestigious and expensive private university, has worked on major legislation with the House and Senate. Part of his career is hobnobbing with the rich and powerful. He's extremely intelligent and polished. I'm smart and powerful in my own ways, but a wild country girl at heart. I clean up nice, but I clearly come from a lower social class (teeth are not perfect, for example). He's reassuring, has called me "a gem", and said, "To thine own self be true." But I'm kind of scared and insecure about stepping into his high society world. Any suggestions for navigating this? I like him and it seems very clear he likes me. I'd hate to mess up a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 Do you really need to step into his world? It's his job and he can keep it separate from his private life. He is a human being just like the rest of us. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 I would do some research to see if what he is telling you he is legit. Seen too many investigation shows about women being duped out of their savings or they find out he is romancing /married to other women lol. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 He hangs out with politicians? Voluntarily? Kick his azz to the kerb. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 29, 2017 Author Share Posted June 29, 2017 I've verified that he is who he says he is. He's worked on legislation to benefit the people. We're both seeking a long-term relationship, marriage, the whole enchilada. All his actions are in alignment with this. While I don't think he would pressure me to hobnob with him, being the wife of this kind of man carries certain responsibilities, I would imagine. I haven't been groomed or trained for those, and that is one of my main concerns. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 I've verified that he is who he says he is. He's worked on legislation to benefit the people. We're both seeking a long-term relationship, marriage, the whole enchilada. All his actions are in alignment with this. While I don't think he would pressure me to hobnob with him, being the wife of this kind of man carries certain responsibilities, I would imagine. I haven't been groomed or trained for those, and that is one of my main concerns. Then he can train and groom you once you are married. I doubt anyone is trained and groomed for being the wife of a politician. Many of the wives have modest backgrounds. Macron's wife is a grade-school teacher, Trudeau's wife is a yoga teacher, Trump's wife was trained to be pretty, smile and put her weight on back of her foot while in high heels, not to hold conversations on economy and politics. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 If he didn't think you were up to the task I doubt he'd be with you in the first place. At the end of the day, we all have to sit on the toilet to take care of business 6 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 I don't think it's a big deal. You don't sound like the type of person that would embarrass yourself in a classy situation. If it was Europe in the 1800's it might be different but there is still some class mobility in America. At the same time, I do like that my wife and I both grew up in similar backgrounds though. I feel like we both have a little more in common having grown up relatively poor (by Canadian standards) as sometimes talking to others who grew up with all of the opportunities in the world, I feel like their is a big gap in life experiences with them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 Get your teeth fixed. Check the dress code for any events & learn about which fork to use (generally you work from the outside in) but other than that just be yourself. He dates you because he likes you. Don't change. He has choices & he picked you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted June 29, 2017 Author Share Posted June 29, 2017 I can't afford to get my teeth fixed. My insurance doesn't cover cosmetic work. They're perfectly healthy but not perfectly straight. I've come to accept the cosmetic imperfections. But I know these things matter more in high society, and I would be a reflection on his public image. He's already very gently suggested he'll make sure I have the best dental care. Link to post Share on other sites
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