What's the rush?

[selinaluv]

So I have been on and off the online sites for a few years.

 

I have been back on for a few months and about ready to bail again. I am just not feeling it.

 

I am noticing these days that men just want to go right for the meet, barely giving a hello email before they either ask me out (many for that same night mind you), throw out their phone number asking me to text, or throwing out immediately that if I even head out their way to give them a call (my biggest pet peeve cause not even offering to meet halfway).

 

As someone who likes to share a few emails to see if I vibe with someone before we meet, this is very discouraging. What is the rush? I am not even asking for much, but maybe a day or so (even a couple email exchanges) before we start setting a date. When I explain this and that I like to know a little bit about the person I am meeting, many men get frustrated, thinking I am not that interested. And to be honest I do lose interest quickly when they are barely trying to get to know me. I know most of this will happen on the date, but some initial conversation would be nice.

 

Lately I feel like I am encountering this the majority of the time and I am getting discouraged cause I feel like the courting part is pretty much extinct at this point.

 

Anyone else experience this? I get the feeling it is all about the hookup, but then I am saddened that this appears to be the end game for most these days.

[act00]

I want to meet sooner over later. I'm a female. I have no desire to volley texts back and forth for who knows how long with no plan to meet. If we click on the few texts exchanged, and we're both free tonight, let's just rip off the Band-Aide and see if we click tonight. The faster the better. I have lost momentum with unavailability. I have experienced the perpetual texter, where meeting in person was barely a possibility. I have gotten the text saying they met someone from OLD the night before and want to see how things go with her and will be cancelling plans with me.

 

Courting occurs in person, not text.

 

You state you lose interest quickly if they don't text/email to get to know you. I'm thinking the men feel exactly the same way since you refuse to meet them in person quickly.

 

We all have our boundaries, and if you have a certain set of boundaries that requires a great deal of timetexting first, you will have to accept the consequences in that a lot of these guys may bail because you seem to lack interest or they meet someone else who is available. This hurts, but this is your choice.

 

Meet in a public place. If this is a hookup, you'll know, and you're not putting yourself into a completely precarious position since you are in a public place. If you maintain this perpetual text, the hookups will drop like flies, but the good guys will also seek women more interested and willing to meet them, and they will also drop like flies...catch-22.

[caveman621]

i'm going to agree with OP AND act00. Yeah, I should have been a lawyer, don't actually answer the question. I'm happily engaged to a wonderful woman I met on OLD. But when I was "in the game" I always wanted to meet sooner rather than later. I figured go out, have a drink, have a chat. If you don't "click", that's OK and nothing is really lost. It's better than spending another night home alone.

 

But I also agree with the OP. You want to meet someone you know and think you might like at least a little bit. So expecting at least "a day or so" and "a couple e-mail exchanges" is not unreasonable. If you want to stretch it to a week of chatting before you meet face to face, that might be a bit much. If the point of OLD is "dating"!!, then most people want to date.

[Redhead14]

I think it's a complete waste of time to spend a lot of time chatting online, blah, blah, blah. If you're interested, arrange a meet up soon. It's not a date, it's a simple, casual meeting over a couple of drinks, maybe hors d'ouerves to make sure they are who they say they are and look like their pictures and to get a real sense of whether there's enough there to want a real date. You don't spend a lot of time or money on this.

 

Emailing, IMing, whatever, can never convey who is actually on the other side of that keyboard. And, a guy may be the most eloquent talker on a keyboard, but in person he can't string words together to make a sentence. Or, their buddy is looking over their shoulder telling them what to say

[Gaeta]

The real test is face to face. All that chatting is useless.

 

When I came across my bf online I gave him my number during our 1st conversation. I said I was going off line and if he wanted to get to know me further he could call me.

 

The rest is history we've been dating ever since 1,5 year.

 

All I needed to know before meeting a man was: age, job, single how long and what he was looking for. The rest I want to hear from him face to face.

[SwordofFlame]

If your profile has enough information, than why waste time? However, if you use an app where there isn't much info given, it makes sense to exchange 2 or 3 messages to know the person a little more before meeting. I probably wouldn't exchange more messages than that before meeting.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I understand what you're going through as I've been here myself.

 

I think there is something to be said about getting to know someone a bit before meeting face to face but then again, nothing beats a face to face chat to know if you're truly compatible.

 

I think at the very least, I want to see a guy make an effort to string together a few words before just tossing out his number telling me to call without so much as a hello.

 

It's more about manners I think. Say hello, introduce yourself, ask me a few questions and then we can move offline. I like old school so getting to talk on the phone is always better than going on and on endlessly over text especially on OLD but there needs to be a bit of a balance too. Something that isn't heavily practiced online.

 

Some men online are really bad at making a woman feel appreciated rather than just another fish in a barrel to be caught.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Why not talk on the phone?

 

I mean, actually talk, not text.

 

I suggested this a few times and it was met with agreement. One woman agreed to meet after the phone conversation, and a couple others fizzled, though I don't really think those had anything to do with the phone conversation itself.

 

Anyway, it's a good middle ground. And you can next guys if they say the wrong thing, etc.

[smackie9]

I totally get it....they are complete strangers and I wouldn't be so quick to meet them either without a few messages exchanged. Maybe face time/vid chat would work for you. I think the frustrated ones are the ones that are just looking to get laid or don't trust women in general. Remember it only takes one to be the one. Some get lucky right away, some don't. You can't find them if you don't keep trying. Dating is frustrating but that's because you want to get it right the first time.

[Shining One]

For every woman who says men are moving too quickly to meet, there is another woman who says men are not arranging meetings soon enough. You should state your preference in your profile. I've seen quite a few women do this.

[selinaluv]

Thank you everyone. I guess it really is a matter of preference.

 

But I am not talking emailing or texting for days. I have fallen into that trap with men and also get frustrated and fade out if they don't ask me out. All I am asking is for some initial conversation.

 

I am talking about men sending their number before even a hello, telling me to "hit them up" if I am in their neighborhood without even asking where I live, or asking me out that evening straight after the hello. I also often get the guy who I don't hear from for weeks come back and ask me again out for Friday at 8:00 when it is Friday at 5:00.

 

What if I am not available? Or even available for the next few days? It isn't personal, but they take it as me not interested immediately. I have had that happen and when I offer the alternative, they fade off.

 

I have also moved mountains (getting childcare, etc) to meet people last minute and decided that was not worth it.

 

I supposed it is about finding someone who fits your style, but it can get frustrating.

Edited June 29, 2017 by selinaluv

[Gaeta]

 

I am talking about men sending their number before even a hello, telling me to "hit them up" if I am in their neighborhood without even asking where I live, or asking me out that evening straight after the hello.

 

That is plain rude. You might be on the wrong dating site. Tinder is not a dating site. It's not made to have a conversation it's made to hook-up. You'd do better on a traitional dating site.

[Chilli]

since gf and l are pretty well done and it looks like for cert this time, 2mths or so.

l feel like sh@t so it was probably a stupid move but l went back onto my old date site just the other night , just for a looky ,

but tbh , it made me sick to the stomach . l felt like just like the rest of them on there now , on off , break up , back on , l saw the pattern the first time l was on it for a little stint a few yrs ago. But it seems much worse now.

 

But there;s not much hope of anyone the quality of gf on there , not on mine anyway, or the other one l looked at either.what a let down. kinda turned my stomach.

l suppose there could always be just that very rare odd one out , but l think l'd have better chance of winning lotto than finding someone so special on there.

 

so l dunno either. when l do start to feel like looking again , maybe l probably should just by pass those places altogether and just get on with life instead.

You sort of get the vibe everywhere these days that oh sh@t , you must be on a date site. l dunno ,that seems to be everywhere.

but l dunno why , 20yrs ago there were no date sites and it's rare you hear anything good anyway.

Edited June 29, 2017 by Chilli

[selinaluv]

That is plain rude. You might be on the wrong dating site. Tinder is not a dating site. It's not made to have a conversation it's made to hook-up. You'd do better on a traitional dating site.

 

Actually these encounters were on OKCupid and Plenty of Fish. What is funny is some of my better experiences lately have been on Tinder.

 

So I am not sure if those sites are any better, but I tried Match a bit ago and didn't feel the experience was much better. The only difference these days seem to be the aggressiveness, impatience, and the urgency. And yes many people come off rudely. Sometimes I wonder if it is a vibe I am putting out.

[selinaluv]

You sort of get the vibe everywhere these days that oh sh@t , you must be on a date site. l dunno ,that seems to be everywhere.

but l dunno why , 20yrs ago there were no date sites and it's rare you hear anything good anyway.

 

I agree with this and it makes me sad. I used to have no problem having men approach me, and that rarely happens anymore. I haven't changed that much, but most men who I meet online says it is just so much easier to go that route. It is easier to take rejection that way, but I also think we are missing out. Many times I think about approaching someone, but I also get cold feet. I am now exploring meet up groups, cause I am not sure I am cut out for online... and overall I met many people that way, and dated a few... I've done well. But it either seems to getting worse, or I am getting really burnt out.

 

Recently I spoke with someone who I quickly realized misrepresented himself online. He had no job (not a huge deal) and admitted to smoking weed every day (also not huge, but combined). After we hung up I decided it wasn't worth it as he also lived 75 miles away. And I told him I wasn't interested in meeting and wished him well. He proceeded to get hostile, asking why I bothered to message him in the first place, send rude photos, and call me crazy. I think that was the last straw.