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How do I know if I am a rebound or a catch?


heavenonearth

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heavenonearth

Are there signs to look out for?

Is there a formula people follow?

 

The guy I am dating for a month now, got out of a 15 year relationship in January.

Of course, the break up was 1 year (if not 5) in the making, but it's still only half a year of him living alone, and committing to himself again.

 

Is it possible, our feelings for each other are strong enough to make it?

Or am I fooling myself?

 

Hope some of you can share their experiences, from both sides.

I can share details, if necessary.

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I don't think you are a rebound but I would be cautious. Some people can't stand to be alone and will jump into any relationship and then some people want to just have fun when getting out of a relationship. Just have fun but guard your heart!

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I personally would not touch him with a 6' pole.

 

I made a point of dating men single for at least 2 years when I was searching. The last thing I wanted was to be used as a band-aid on a wound.

 

It takes about 25% of the lenght of the relationship to completely move on from a break up. That's a couple of years for him maybe more. It's not an accurate science but it's rule of thumb you should keep in mind.

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I would just be careful. Some people have to always be dating someone and some want to be single and have fun after being in a long relationship. Have fun but guard your heart. I wouldn't be looking for anything serious from him though...

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todreaminblue

took me quite a few years to start dating after a fifteen year break up...mine wasn't particularly nice though the break up I mean.....I succumbed to pressure to date after six months.....and then knew I wasnt ready myself so after feeling a wrongness......I vetoed dating until I was ready in spite of what others felt I needed or was ready for.....

 

.....the last thing I ever want to do is hurt a guy...... when I date....I want to go into dating my whole heart excited and ready...which I feel I am ready and have been for awhile.........ten years on....and I have dated....I dont date often.....I have to feel that rightness....to invest in dating....its time and effort.....and me getting to know them....and i invest in them with my heart..i am an empath....so it has to be a something special about him guy........

 

 

some people are ready and able to date shortly after splitting..i am not one of them....I feel its a really personal thing and the only person who truly knows if a person is ready is themselves....deb

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I personally would not touch him with a 6' pole.

 

I made a point of dating men single for at least 2 years when I was searching. The last thing I wanted was to be used as a band-aid on a wound.

 

It takes about 25% of the lenght of the relationship to completely move on from a break up. That's a couple of years for him maybe more. It's not an accurate science but it's rule of thumb you should keep in mind.

 

But surely if he is into her it makes no difference and he would forget about his ex?

 

Also what if he meets a new girl in the next months or so and they end up having a happy long life together? She woulndt have been a band aid in that situation right?

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Unfortunately, you can be both. I've learned it's best not to date someone freshly out of a relationship, even though I know I'm a catch :).

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But surely if he is into her it makes no difference and he would forget about his ex?
He will be into her temporarely. At first he will want to see her often and spend all of his free time with her. Then, reality will hit him, reality is he is not over his ex yet. They have been together for 15 years, that is a very long time, you don't forget 15 years by snapping your fingers or because you meet a cute girl. He'll start wanting to find himself, he'll start wanting to accomplish some of his old dreams, he'll start wondering if it's smart to get out of a 15 year marriage and settle down right after without enjoying his single life again. One day he'll sit her down and he'll tell her those famous words: i don't think I am ready for a serious relationship.

 

Also what if he meets a new girl in the next months or so and they end up having a happy long life together?
Only in movies. Someone that is coming out of a relationship needs to gather himself, needs to go over what went wrong, need to figure out his life and needs to go back to happines on his own before looking to enter another relationship. Edited by Gaeta
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But surely if he is into her it makes no difference and he would forget about his ex?

 

Also what if he meets a new girl in the next months or so and they end up having a happy long life together? She woulndt have been a band aid in that situation right?

 

It can go either way. My "rebound" from my ex wife ended up being my gf for 7 years until she broke it off.

 

The circumstances of the breakup make a difference. He might have been sick of her or madly in love at the time of the breakup. If the latter, use caution.

 

I can't fathom a situation where I would be single for 2 years.

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Unfortunately, you can be both. I've learned it's best not to date someone freshly out of a relationship, even though I know I'm a catch :).

 

 

I couldn't agree more with this! :)

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some people are ready and able to date shortly after splitting..i am not one of them....I feel its a really personal thing and the only person who truly knows if a person is ready is themselves....deb

 

Yes, I agree Deb. It is so individual and there isn't a formula. Someone could come out of a long term relationship that had been dead for years, and very successfully move on into a new relationship within a short time. For others who are still working through issues, it wouldn't be ideal.

 

I remained single by choice after I ended a long term marriage. It took me 5 years to decide to date. In hindsight, honestly, I regret waiting so long. But it's easy to think that now; then, I wasn't ready yet.

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Rebound.

 

Men that have been in committed relationships are eager to jump in another one, usually matching the stage, i.e. he'll soon behave like you're together for many years. This is a coping mechanism.

 

I know a guy who married his rebound but knowing him extremely well I'd not like to be in her shoes. He never talks with the same enthusiasm about her as he did for his (first) wife... But he was rushing to settle, and at least is acting responsibly with the replacement wife.

 

If I were you I'd date the guy without getting attached. Or look for somebody in a healthier situation.

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Most people here say rebound. I'm not so sure. I guess you have to provide more details and ultimately it is about how you feel and what your gut is telling you. Don't let your feelings rush in.

 

FWIW I'm a male and I can never be fully over someone until I meet someone else that excites me. I get hurt badly in breakups but I also tend to be optimistic and forward looking. So I am able to focus on other people while also being hurt, and am able to formulate feelings for new people while they fade for the previous girl. This guy may be like that. On the other hand, yes he may be using you as a band aid.

 

Everyone is different and deals with these things differently. If I were you I'd keep him around but take it very very slow. Who knows, he might be the one. And if he is the one, taking it slow won't drive him away.

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Rebound isn't always a bad thing. By definition, yes, you're a rebound. But that doesn't mean substantial relationships haven't been formed from such beginnings, rare as they may be.

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Most people here say rebound. I'm not so sure. I guess you have to provide more details and ultimately it is about how you feel and what your gut is telling you. Don't let your feelings rush in.

 

FWIW I'm a male and I can never be fully over someone until I meet someone else that excites me. I get hurt badly in breakups but I also tend to be optimistic and forward looking. So I am able to focus on other people while also being hurt, and am able to formulate feelings for new people while they fade for the previous girl. This guy may be like that.

 

Everyone is different and deals with these things differently. If I were you I'd keep him around but take it very very slow. Who knows, he might be the one. And if he is the one, taking it slow won't drive him away.

 

I'm a woman but I'm like this (bolded part) also!

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hippychick3
I'm a woman but I'm like this (bolded part) also!

 

Me too!

 

10 characters

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mortensorchid

I wish there was something I could tell you that would be The Answer, just as I wish there was something I could tell anyone and everyone who asks questions on this forum which would be The Answer. But in your case, I would be cautious to be sure. You don't want to be a rebound for someone. Here are a few signs:

 

1) They're in love with you and you realize you barely know him/her.

2) Things move very fast yet very slow at the same time.

3) The connection you feel is abnormally empty when you think it's fulfilling at first.

4) The ex's presence - The ex may not be present at all but he/she is talked about a lot, and there is a certain bitterness about that person.

5) THey are into making their ex jealous - Even if the ex is no where to be found physically around them, the rebound person kind of parades the new person (you) in some ways in an attempt to make them jealous or show others the presence of the new person.

6) Talk about the ex WAY TOO MUCH.

7) You have a lot of sex - I am not saying this is a bad thing between people by any means. There could be a lot of reasons two people could be having a lot of sex, but rebounders tend to have a lot of sex in order to blot out or distract from their bad memories of the ex.

8) They say the end of their previous relationship was a great shock or ended terribly.

9) They want to act like a long term couple even though you just met a few days/weeks ago.

10) You have nothing in common with them (you realize after a bit).

11) Their moods and interest in you is hot and cold and changes day to day.

12) They don't know much about themselves - Most of us have interests, hobbies, passions, etc. that we are into. Those on the rebound usually don't have any other than talking about the ex.

13) You feel as if you are being measured up at all times against the ex - They say things like "Jane Doe always wanted to go to Hawaii", "John Doe used to do this which was really annoying", etc.

 

And the last but certainly not least nagging feeling is ...

 

You feel like you were the first person to come along since the two split and he/she grabbed onto you because they don't want to be alone.

 

Listen to your inner feelings on this. I hope none of the above facts are true. If so, be cautious...

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I'm a woman but I'm like this (bolded part) also!

 

I'm a major advocate for taking time to heal and learn after a breakup, but I'll admit that the previous girlfriend lingers in my mind to some extent until I have something developing with someone new. And that's even when I don't want to get back together.

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heavenonearth
Most people here say rebound. I'm not so sure. I guess you have to provide more details and ultimately it is about how you feel and what your gut is telling you. Don't let your feelings rush in.

 

FWIW I'm a male and I can never be fully over someone until I meet someone else that excites me. I get hurt badly in breakups but I also tend to be optimistic and forward looking. So I am able to focus on other people while also being hurt, and am able to formulate feelings for new people while they fade for the previous girl. This guy may be like that. On the other hand, yes he may be using you as a band aid.

 

Everyone is different and deals with these things differently. If I were you I'd keep him around but take it very very slow. Who knows, he might be the one. And if he is the one, taking it slow won't drive him away.

 

 

Well, to give some more info....

 

We have been dating for a month now.

We see each other twice a week, sometimes for two-three days in a row.

I am 30, he's 38. He got out of a 15 year relationship in January, after having spent a year breaking up with his girlfriend.

They lived together, and worked together.

She left the apartment in Januay, the studio they worked at, in March.

They are not in contact, she now lives in a different part of the country.

 

I know he wanted to be alone after this relationship.

Although he was on tinder, where we met, he has not been

intimate with a woman since. The last time he slept with someone was his ex - and that was "a long, long time ago" (they must have stopped sleeping together at some point, they were in relationship therapy for many years too).

It seems the last years they were just vegetating next to each other.

He says the reason he didn't leave earlier was because he loved her and felt bad about leaving her alone (she was having health issues). The relationship was not working anymore for five years. He says he became just a shell of himself.

 

Anyway, our one month thing has been amazing.

He proclaims to have never felt this way.

That I make him move like nobody ever has.

That I am worth the effort, that he is following his heart, and not looking elsewhere.

 

When he talks about his ex, it's always very much emotionless, and very much like a thing from the past. It seems she is not taking the break up too well. He seems happy he is "free". He has not mentioned anything positive about her, except when he said that he loved her very much.

But he said that the break up was mainly his initiative, although she agreed it was necessary, she has been taking it horribly. He's in touch with her parents, but not with her. Whenever there is an event he is going to where she may be, he's avoiding to go. I am not particularly envious or jealous of his ex, I have a feeling she won't be a "problem" in our future together.

 

I just really wonder, if it is possible I am a rebound. I really don't think it is true, but there's always a possibility, I guess. After all, he was on tinder, but he had not slept with anyone in the 5 months he had time to do so.

He's said that he slowly started to commit to himself again and to feel like himself again. But meeting me intensifies this, and doesn't take away from feeling free. He says he feels more free with me, something he never felt with his ex or before, or even after. He says "he didn't know such feelings could exist".

 

I really want to give this a shot. I feel the energy between us is rare.

I remember the first date we had, after writing with each other, for over a week nonstop. I walked into the movie theater bar, and there he sat alone, at the table in the very back corner, under dark light. He looked up and his eyes were glowing. He had already ordered two ginger beer. That's when I knew.

 

We wanted to take it slow, and I even encouraged him to date others, to find out what he is looking for, to enjoy the single life. He went on a date and afterwards came knocking on my door, telling me how ridiculous of an idea that was.

He's asked for exclusivity and I now have agreed.

I am afraid he may change his mind, although I find it so hard to imagine, since the connection grows stronger every day.

 

I am trying my best to take it slow, and not initiate too much contact on days we are not together, which rarely works, because he's sending stuff all the time.

He even says this is unusual for him, since he never apps much.

I tend to wake up to texts from him.

He also is very detail oriented and always remembers the silliest, most romantic things.

I truly have never felt so much mutual romantic energy. It can't be too good to be true....

 

On the coming weekend, he is going on a camping trip by himself for 1,5 weeks. He says he is excited about it, as it will be time he was looking for to spend with himself. I have a feeling that trip will be an interesting indicator as to how things will proceed. He will have a lot of time to think...

I am the last person he will see before he leaves...

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I think it actually doesn't actually matter how slow you take it, as you are already besotted and if he bails you will get very hurt now.

 

Men that have been in committed relationships are eager to jump in another one, usually matching the stage, i.e. he'll soon behave like you're together for many years. This is a coping mechanism.

^^^this^^^

He will slot into his life like the woman he loved for 15 years and for you it will feel wonderful, safe, cosy and warm as if it is all meant to be.

BUT unless you just happen to be a carbon copy of his old love, he will start to wake up and one day he will likely decide he was not really ready for a new relationship at all.

OR perhaps worse, he will just carry on with you knowing you will never really match up to his old love. Once you realise this, it will start to grate and it may be you that will then bail.

 

I think younger people can move swiftly on from shortish relationships and never look back, but this man is 38 and the relationship was for 15 years with a woman "he loved very much", so I guess he is not going to be "over it" in a few short months, no matter what he tells you or himself.

He has been with this woman virtually all his adult life and yes he may now feel "free", and yes it all turned sour in the end, but those are still huge shoes you are going to have to fill.

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heavenonearth
I think it actually doesn't actually matter how slow you take it, as you are already besotted and if he bails you will get very hurt now.

 

 

^^^this^^^

He will slot into his life like the woman he loved for 15 years and for you it will feel wonderful, safe, cosy and warm as if it is all meant to be.

BUT unless you just happen to be a carbon copy of his old love, he will start to wake up and one day he will likely decide he was not really ready for a new relationship at all.

OR perhaps worse, he will just carry on with you knowing you will never really match up to his old love. Once you realise this, it will start to grate and it may be you that will then bail.

 

I think younger people can move swiftly on from shortish relationships and never look back, but this man is 38 and the relationship was for 15 years with a woman "he loved very much", so I guess he is not going to be "over it" in a few short months, no matter what he tells you or himself.

He has been with this woman virtually all his adult life and yes he may now feel "free", and yes it all turned sour in the end, but those are still huge shoes you are going to have to fill.

 

I see what you are saying.

It just really seems that he may have been with the wrong women for all these years, and that I am the right match for him.

I don't know, this is just how it feels right now.

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It just really seems that he may have been with the wrong women for all these years, and that I am the right match for him.

 

I believe that there is no rebound, that you are about as likely to get rejected now than later. But the above statement just makes me cringe, because it sounds like you're trying to fix what was wrong in his life, and that hardly ever works.

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heavenonearth
I believe that there is no rebound, that you are about as likely to get rejected now than later. But the above statement just makes me cringe, because it sounds like you're trying to fix what was wrong in his life, and that hardly ever works.

 

No, I am certainly not trying to 'fix' anything. What makes you think that?

That's not my intention, or the way I go about other people's lives.

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I don't think you're a rebound, but labels such as this aren't helpful, IMO. A relationship will either work or it won't. Many people get right into a new, good relationship after exiting a prior one, and are able to let go of the past easily and quickly. Some cannot. The signs are usually that they talk too much about the ex when the subject has little to do with the ex, or they're unable to achieve normal relationship milestones.

 

 

And people who've long been out of a relationship and healed, may still find that a particular relationship doesn't work for them, and move on. The relationship failed on its own (lack of) merits. The same can occur in a so-called "rebound" scenario - a discovery that there is insufficient compatibility, despite initial indications that there is.

 

 

Anyway, only time will show whether this relationships works, or fails.

 

 

In my own case, I was happily dating within weeks of leaving my ex of 24 years. That relationship had been failing for years, and I'd already mourned it and emotionally disconnected by the time I left. I met my current wife two months later (I will note that I did a lot of dating in those two months), and we became an exclusive couple several months later. We're still together - happily - after many years.

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Are there signs to look out for?

Is there a formula people follow?

 

The guy I am dating for a month now, got out of a 15 year relationship in January.

Of course, the break up was 1 year (if not 5) in the making, but it's still only half a year of him living alone, and committing to himself again.

 

Is it possible, our feelings for each other are strong enough to make it?

Or am I fooling myself?

 

Hope some of you can share their experiences, from both sides.

I can share details, if necessary.

 

How do I know if I am a rebound -- This is how you know -- got out of a 15 year relationship in January. The truth is you don't really know, however, the likelihood is high and so why put yourself in this position or try to "nail it down" after only a month?

 

Relax. A month is nothing in the scheme of things. Let him show you where he's "at". Unless you've already declared exclusivity, date other people in the meantime.

 

How has he been pursuing you? What has he said his dating goals are? Where does he see himself in 2 to 5 years?

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