FullOfAmbition Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 Hi, I have been in a relationship for over a year now and there have been many ups and downs. He has been controlling and he says he is often tempted to hit me. I wonder how long would it take for hi not to be able to hold back? he doesnt like me hanging out with guys and when i got out i must tell him when where why and with who. He yells and curses at me all the time also. Lately he is also acting like all he cares about it sex. He always wants me to go to his house, he often mentions how horney he is and how we havent had sex in a while. When I do see him he is all up on me and when I make him stops he gets fustrated. After more than a year he still doesnt trust me. He always thinks im cheating on him when I gave him no reason to think that. He broke up with me twice thinking I cheated and took me back when he realized I didn't . Wose part is he knows I can't leave him no matter what he does. Don't get me wrong he also does sweet things. He does love me. I even told him I was thinking about breaking up with him he said we would still be friends and he'll understand if I make that decision. He knows he made a lot of mistakes and he admitts he is controlliing but when I suggest help he says its not that serious. Should I break-up with him? How do I let go? What can I do to make this easier on me? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 Hell Yes break up with this Idiot and don't attempt to be his "Friend" Friends (not to mention BF's who are suppose to Love you) Don't threaten to hit you, or hurt you, they don't unfairly accuse you, they don't discard you based on their own insecurities and they don't try to control you. Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 I agree with Merin. Drop him and don't be his friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 L E A V E ! ASAP . He is a classic abuser with all the signs and you ask " I wonder when he is going to hit me ? " It wont be too much longer.....and you dont want to end up on the evening news so follow some quick advice and contact the battered womens shelter in your area to get tips on a safe exit ! He is also extremely insecure and you are going to pay for that ! Trust me ...get out !@ Hurry please ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FullOfAmbition Posted May 16, 2005 Author Share Posted May 16, 2005 I know this makes me sound like an idiot but its so hard to let go i mean i've known him forever and he has helped me through a lot of things in my life. how can i make this easier for me Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 I dont mean to sound insenstive but you are in serious denial and all the words and help we offer here are NOT going to get you out of the house. Its going to get worse. SO what if he helped you ? Look at what he is doing to you. You need a trusted friend to help move you out if you are living with him. If you arent living with him THANK GOD ...thats the first good piece of news... Please dont write on here 2 months from now with a broken arm or injuries and ask us how to help you. We are helping you now...Please contact a shelter to at LEAST recognize ABUSE signs and let a trained counselor help you to GET OUT before its too late.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 He helped you probably to get you hooked on him and dependent. That's how men like that operate. Get out- you're an abused woman waiting to happen. He's already abusing you in many ways. Link to post Share on other sites
noname Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 Originally posted by FullOfAmbition I know this makes me sound like an idiot but its so hard to let go i mean i've known him forever and he has helped me through a lot of things in my life. how can i make this easier for me I would suggest that even though you feel that it would be difficult, you should cut your losses and get out. i wouldn't say don't be his friend at all, if he is not making you feel that you are in any immediate danger and he is willing to let you go. in fact, if it is safe, it may help his progress if you are a caring friend (p.s. don't get back with him just because he agrees to see a counselor). i just mean that if you flat leave him, he may never seek help with his issues and he is just going to find another woman who will take enough crap to let him create the same situation. he needs you to do this for him. the man needs counseling. granted he has not hit you, and he may never hit you for that matter. however, neither of you need to be in a situation where you fear that that is a possibility. he has some serious trust issues and you condoning this and going back to him after he shuns you is exacerbating the situation. you CAN'T make this easier. you just have to make it. once you realize that, you will be able to act accordingly instead of trying to find an easier way. you have to understand that this is not good for you either of you the way it is working now. and by the way knowing someone forever and help with your life is not a reason to stay in a self destructive relationship. ask anyone who has been sexually or physically abused by a parent who they have know forever and who did a lot of things for them while raising them. bad is bad and should be dealt with accordingly... Link to post Share on other sites
Author FullOfAmbition Posted May 18, 2005 Author Share Posted May 18, 2005 Thank you all. I spoke to him earlier today. We had an in-depth discussion about the situation. I told him that he doesn't appreciate having me in his life and hopefully with time apart he'll realize it. We are finishing the discussion later today or tomorrow. I'm going to tell him that i'll help him any way possible but thats the only thing I'm doing right now. I am going to tell him that there is no getting back together in my mind right now. I know he is a great guy and all he needs is help. I'm hoping he uses me as his motivation and over time we can be the close friends we used to be. I was wondering if anyone has any advice about my current situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Your Currant situation isn't good. This Guy is a manipulator and a controlling. He has shown you this. You can TELL him whatever you want, BUT what you have SHOWN him up to this point is you don't mean the words you're telling him because you continue to allow him to abuse you even after you've TOLD him you're not down for it, and you're not putting up with it. In essense he doesn't believe you. You CANNOT help him in anyway.. telling him you're going to be there to "Help" him will only keep the door open for him to manipulate you. You CANNOT be his "Friend" and again saying that in your mind this is over between the 2 of you for RIGHT NOW only suggest to him that if he is on good behaviour for a day or two, he's good to go and the relationship resumes as is. Honey, what you need to do is Love yourself a hella lot more than this Guy has been "Loving" you... Don't make deals with his sorry a** OR compromise on being treated great. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Run away. Run far, far away. In other words, get out while you can. This is a VERY unhealthy relationship. Stay close to family and friends when you do it. It will take him a while to get over it but if you can avoid him (stick to no contact), you will eventually break free. No woman should ever be disrespected like that. Ever. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 If he is tempted to hit you, he will do it sooner or later. He will do it because he will suspect that you're cheating on him. He is searching for signs of infidelity even now. He cannot enjoy the relationship. He is latently violent and you need to save your ass ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
noname Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by FullOfAmbition Thank you all. I spoke to him earlier today. We had an in-depth discussion about the situation. I told him that he doesn't appreciate having me in his life and hopefully with time apart he'll realize it. We are finishing the discussion later today or tomorrow. I'm going to tell him that i'll help him any way possible but thats the only thing I'm doing right now. I am going to tell him that there is no getting back together in my mind right now. I know he is a great guy and all he needs is help. I'm hoping he uses me as his motivation and over time we can be the close friends we used to be. I was wondering if anyone has any advice about my current situation. how did the conversation go? was he calm and understanding or did he lash out at you? Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 You are still in denial here. You CANNOT change the inevitable.....He is very insecure and you cant change that....only intense counseling ( He must be the one to go and decide to go). You cant change the fact that you are ASKING us if he is going to hit you and when ? That is just scarey. You can pretend that you can make all better and he will turn into a lovely human being BUT he will continue to manipulate you, but someday he is going to HURT you ! If you have some sense of self love PLEASE call the domestic violence hotline so THEY can tell YOU what signs to look for.. But even still despite it ALL I would leave his a** because this is a LIFETIME of crap you are going to put up with. Pretty soon I wont offer any more advice on this because I can see I am talking to a brick wall....But hopefully you are opening your eyes... You have a COMPUTER....USE IT ...Type in domestic abuse ....in Google search Engine . This is NOT 1962, where you have no resources , or money . or intelligence or internet ability to read and research if you doubt ANY of what I am saying... It takes a little effort to find out if what I am saying is hogwash or not... Link to post Share on other sites
Author FullOfAmbition Posted May 19, 2005 Author Share Posted May 19, 2005 how did the conversation go? was he calm and understanding or did he lash out at you? It went well. He was very calm and understanding. He agreed to sign up for anger classes. THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE ARE GOING TO GET BACK TOGETHER. I also explained that to him. I grew up with him and even we aren't good together I cant ignore him. He lives two houses down and our families are close. I know i have to distance myself so he can get the message. I think he knows he needs help and once I made it clear to him he decided to get help. Although we may not have been good together I don't want to see him doing it again. Link to post Share on other sites
noname Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Sounds good so far. that took a lot of strength and maturity for you to do that. just be careful and keep your eye out for any trouble... good luck... Link to post Share on other sites
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