Am I overreacting about his female friend?

[prepdream]

We met in college and have been dating exclusively for 6 months. Everything is great, just this one problem is bugging me.

 

However, there is this girl also in college who is very close to him. Because she lives a few minutes away from him, they would work together in a cafe nearby every morning, and they text each other often (maybe even more than me). She even asked him to meet her mom for dinner once. Before she knew that we were dating (which I asked him to keep it a secret because she was in the same friend circle and I felt uncomfortable at the beginning), she would even call him "babe" through text and excessively flirted with him. He even called her "babe" back when replied, texting that in front of me but said it was just a joking nickname.

 

This girl, once knew about our relationship, teased us quite often and mentioned that they are purely good friends. I asked him about her and he says they are just friends, and that the girl is naturally flirty. He says there's nothing to worry about but it still makes me feel quite comfortable. Am I being a bit paranoid?

Edited June 23, 2017 by prepdream

[kendahke]

A bit, but if you're feeling uncomfortable, then you're feeling uncomfortable.

 

Other than this surface flirting, what else is she doing that makes you feel that they're a text away from having sex with one another and him dumping you?

[Timshel]

I would dump him, immediately. Life is too short for the shenanigans you are about to become embroiled in.

 

Getting more involved with a man who allows drama will only lead to more.

[central]

If you dump him and they start dating, you were probably right. If they don't, you were paranoid. At least you'll know and won't be uncomfortable about her any longer. It's your choice, but many people have opposite sex friends.

[central]

I would dump him, immediately. Life is too short for the shenanigans you are about to become embroiled in.

 

Getting more involved with a man who allows drama will only lead to more.

 

Yes, perhaps he should dump her for allowing her to create this drama. I think it's her, not him.

[Timshel]

I don't see that in this situation Central. She does not seem interested in an open relationship or doing some kooky 'pick me' dance.

 

prepdream, your 'bf' is showing you who he is and if the issue of fidelity is important to you, this is the time to draw a line and make your boundary crystal clear.

 

If you let this go, you can't say in retrospect this is not the sort of relationship/intimacy that you want.

You can....but it will be much harder and probably whilst doing damage repair.

 

If you are not comfortable with it, you aren't. Don't be afraid to say so.

 

This is not the only dude on the planet.

[smackie9]

IMO they used to bang each other casually. Or he always wanted to bang her and she just uses him to have attention, kicking him into the friends zone. But whatever, he can't have his cake and eat it too.

 

Time to have a discussion about boundaries, and what is and isn't appropriate behavior when in a relationship. He needs to cut back on the texting, no pet names, no one on one hanging out, not OK to have conversations about your relationship. OK to hang out as a group, OK to have casual non flirtatious conversations. If he can't swallow any of that, then you just dump the chump on the curb.

[TaxMan]

As a guy who has a ton of female friends, I'd say it's fine for them to be friends and even to be close and to converse as much or more as you and he do.

 

What's not OK, IMO, is the pet names and the flirting. That has to go, because that suggests more than friends. I don't call anyone "babe" except my girlfriend. If I heard her call someone that, or saw her touch some other guy in a flirtatious manner like she does me, it would raise some big red flags.

[Superchicken]

Um, dinner with her and the mum would be the red flag for me.

How many women would let a dude meet their mum unless their really tight.

 

 

You need to make a few changes in the relationship, but just make sure to allow him the freedom to still keep in tough with "The friend", or you will make things worse.

 

 

 

 

Also, "Babe" doesn't sit well with me.. Its inappropriate to call some one else's partner "Babe". Again, red flag..

 

 

I would be worried..

 

 

Ted.

[salparadise]

You have to go by your instincts and acknowledge the way you feel. Trying to do the opposite to conform to some other viewpoint will make you miserable. Based on what you've said, this is looking like a relationship characterized by distrust and constant suspicion. You don't want that. It might be different if you were heavily invested (assuming you're not), but since you're just getting started and he's openly flirting... that's the problem here, his "friendship" is based on attraction and sexualized interactions. Sorry. I guess you could try talking to him about how it makes you feel, but probably easier to walk at this point.

[prepdream]

Well I did, after that "babe" texting, confront him and say that I wanted to break it off for a while. We got back, however, after a week because he asked to and kept reassuring that there was nothing. At this point, it became clear to her that we are dating (it was unofficial before this). They would still text each other, but totally no pet name, in friendly manner from his side but the girl still occasionally flirts with him (if anyone wonders, he texts her in front of me, not that I snoop through his phone ). When we hang out with other friends as a group, when she is drunk, she would be touchy feely with all the guys in the club, including him in front of me, and then asked him to take her back to her house saying that because they live nearby (which he didn't because he went back with me instead). And yes, asked him to meet her mum for dinner which he agreed.

 

I guess I am more paranoid about this girl's behaviour at the moment instead of his loyalty as before. I do want to discuss with him about her, but don't want to appear as controlling at all so keep delaying it. I totally don't want or never try to restrict his freedom in socialising or such, as I too have a close guy friend who I hang out with quite often but never cross any borders like flirting or pet name. It's just I keep hearing all those advices and suspicion from my friends, especially because all of us are in the same friends circle, about them being close or him seeing her mum for dinner etc. plus her behaviour that make me keep thinking.

 

But thanks for all the replies

Edited June 24, 2017 by prepdream

[Superchicken]

OK, well, if you have Guys friends, then you should also trust him to do the same.

If he has removed the "Babe" phrase from their texting, then he does seem to be open enough, to allow a little trust.

 

 

The only thing left, will be the flirting part. Maybe talk a little with him, and if they can stop the flirting, you may be OK from that point on.

 

 

Ted.

[salparadise]

I totally don't want or never try to restrict his freedom in socialising or such, as I too have a close guy friend who I hang out with quite often but never cross any borders like flirting or pet name.

 

Ah, so you're attuned to both perspectives...

 

It's just I keep hearing all those advices and suspicion from my friends, especially because all of us are in the same friends circle, about them being close or him seeing her mum for dinner etc. plus her behaviour that make me keep thinking.

 

But you're focused on specific behaviors and thinking that's the key to whether it's acceptable or not? Not sure it's quite that simple. And your friends are telling you it doesn't feel right to them... what does your intuition say about the big picture. You think they're attracted and enjoying the titillation?

[Maggie4]

I think this girl wants your boyfriend ( can I say bf? or is it not serious enough yet? ). So either you step aside or you stem her off. You've only been with the guy 6 months. She's lurking around until things don't work out with you.

 

If you object strongly to their "friendship" then you look like the insecure girl. As long as he is toning it down, you encourage and reward that. Of course if you're actually not too crazy about him then she can have him.

[kendahke]

Well I did, after that "babe" texting, confront him and say that I wanted to break it off for a while. We got back, however, after a week because he asked to and kept reassuring that there was nothing. At this point, it became clear to her that we are dating (it was unofficial before this). They would still text each other, but totally no pet name, in friendly manner from his side but the girl still occasionally flirts with him (if anyone wonders, he texts her in front of me, not that I snoop through his phone ). When we hang out with other friends as a group, when she is drunk, she would be touchy feely with all the guys in the club, including him in front of me, and then asked him to take her back to her house saying that because they live nearby (which he didn't because he went back with me instead). And yes, asked him to meet her mum for dinner which he agreed.

 

What do the girlfriends of the other guys in your social group have to say about her?

 

I guess I am more paranoid about this girl's behaviour at the moment instead of his loyalty as before.

 

Here's the thing: she can't do anything without his express permission. The best she can do is make a fool out of herself if he's got firm boundaries and has no problem telling her where they are and the consequences for trampling them. He has to OK it with himself to do whatever with her, so really, she's not the problem here: it's your boyfriend who won't be completely and unmistakably clear with her on where the boundaries are. IMO, that is who you're really mad at and you should be.

 

 

I do want to discuss with him about her, but don't want to appear as controlling at all so keep delaying it.

 

It's not controlling to tell someone that the way they are handling a friend who is disrespecting your relationship has you concerned. You need to stop delaying this talk and sit him down and tell him how it's causing you to have doubts about how he feels about you when he's allowing her all of this entre and latitude into a space of intimacy which should only be reserved for you.

 

 

I totally don't want or never try to restrict his freedom in socialising or such, as I too have a close guy friend who I hang out with quite often but never cross any borders like flirting or pet name.

 

And you should tell him as much. Ask him how he would feel if your guy friend did what his female friend was doing. Ask him would he like it? Would he appreciate being told to basically put up with it? I dare say that he would have a problem with it, so therefore, he needs to do more to rein in this chick because he can't have the two of you sharing the same space in his head.

 

It's just I keep hearing all those advices and suspicion from my friends, especially because all of us are in the same friends circle, about them being close or him seeing her mum for dinner etc. plus her behaviour that make me keep thinking.

 

If more than 3 unrelated people confirm something, then it's not in your head--there's a reason to be concerned and it starts with him not checking this chick.

 

I believe you all are right. It's sketchy a.f.

[BluesPower]

It is hard to be sure on this one. I am usually the no opposite sex friends guy in general.

 

However, I do have some OS friends that really are just friends. My new GF knows about my past and it does bother her a little.

 

I was honest with her from the beginning. And I dumped all of my FWB's and what not when we started dating. I am serious with this one.

 

It does bother her though. Also, the OS friends that it do have are women that I have not slept with before. Not that I would not sleep with them if I was single and the right circumstances presented themselves. They are just nice girls that I would not necessarily date but in the right circumstances, I would take to bed.

 

From my stand point, I am just tired of "Sex" for the sake of sex, not that I am above it, but I just wanted a real relationship. So for me it is easy to stay faithful at this point because I am just not interested in other women.

 

This stuff does make her insecure and I understand why.

 

She can always dump me if she wants to, it would suck. I have been completely honest with her about everything and again, no former lovers are opposite sex friends of mine, which I think makes a difference, but we will see...