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dating vs being in relationship


fred123

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just curious and wants people thoughts.

 

when you are dating is it ok to invite the person you are dating to friends birthday etc? is it wrong to get mad at the person you are dating that she didnt invite you to events she could have? or you have to wait until you are offical together?

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I would expect to have had the exclusivity discussion before getting an invitation to hang out with her and her friends.

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vintageluna
just curious and wants people thoughts.

 

when you are dating is it ok to invite the person you are dating to friends birthday etc? is it wrong to get mad at the person you are dating that she didnt invite you to events she could have? or you have to wait until you are offical together?

To me it depends on whether you've discussed if you two are exclusive or not.

The guy I'm currently seeing invited me out with him and his friends and we're not "official" but we're exclusively seeing each other.

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To me it depends on whether you've discussed if you two are exclusive or not.

The guy I'm currently seeing invited me out with him and his friends and we're not "official" but we're exclusively seeing each other.

 

is there an amount of time before one can get upset/hurt that the girl they are seeing isnt invting them places?

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vintageluna
is there an amount of time before one can get upset/hurt that the girl they are seeing isnt invting them places?

I mean it depends. Do you mean the girl never invites you to functions such as with her friends or the girl never initiates making date plans?

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is there an amount of time before one can get upset/hurt that the girl they are seeing isnt invting them places?

 

You are allowed to feel what you feel. But I don't know if this is the issue. Do you want more from the relationship /dating? Are you looking to take things to a more serious level?

 

For example, in a marriage, would you get upset if your spouse didn't invite you every time they went out? Space in a relationship is nice, but are feeling too much distance?

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I have my own personal set of rules.

 

I was willing to give a man 2 months to make our relationship exclusive.

 

I was willing to give a man 3 months to start introducing me to his friends.

 

I was willing to give a man 4-5 months to start introducing me to his family.

 

And I was willing to give a man 6 months to decide if he was falling in love with me.

 

I was willing to be flexible a bit but if the man I was dating had a different set of rules than me I would not date him.

 

Dating someone that has a total set of rules then you is difficult. There is always one that feels disadvantaged, it's always the same one making compromises, and the one at disadvange and making compromise is the big loser at the end.

 

A relationship is suppose to be easy, smooth, satisfying and fullfilling. If it's not it's because you are forcing it.

 

Fred: You need your own set of personal rules and live by them. When you give yourself some standards to obey by you will start meeting women of better quality.

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A relationship is suppose to be easy, smooth, satisfying and fullfilling. If it's not it's because you are forcing it.

 

I agree that it should be easy, smooth, etc. But it seems to me that with all your rules, you are forcing it to conform to you, without consideration for him, even if he might be an ideal match - with different time horizons.

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I agree that it should be easy, smooth, etc. But it seems to me that with all your rules, you are forcing it to conform to you, without consideration for him, even if he might be an ideal match - with different time horizons.

 

I am not forcing anything on anyone. I have searched till I meet a man that thinks like me. Bf and I have been dating 1,5 year. We had the same idea of what dating steps were that's why we agreed on exclusivity early, we agreed on when to introduce my daughter, then the rest of the family, colleagues and friends. We never hit head on the *dating steps*. There was never he is into me, is she invested as much as me, because we viewed dating the same way.

 

That being said, relationships aren't easy and we have all types of adaptations, compromises, cultural differences on our path but at least we don't argue over it's been 7 months and I have not met your mom.

 

When 2 people have the same view of dating steps and the same general views on relationships it eleminates a lot of frustrations and it leaves place for balance and emotional security.

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What if most goes by the rules but one rule is broken? You break the relationship?

 

E.g. me and my ex are moving to the steps you described except I haven't introduced him to my family (I met all of his early on). He internalized that to no end and it blew out of proportion 1.5 years later...

 

I have my own personal set of rules.

 

I was willing to give a man 2 months to make our relationship exclusive.

 

I was willing to give a man 3 months to start introducing me to his friends.

 

I was willing to give a man 4-5 months to start introducing me to his family.

 

And I was willing to give a man 6 months to decide if he was falling in love with me.

 

I was willing to be flexible a bit but if the man I was dating had a different set of rules than me I would not date him.

 

Dating someone that has a total set of rules then you is difficult. There is always one that feels disadvantaged, it's always the same one making compromises, and the one at disadvange and making compromise is the big loser at the end.

 

A relationship is suppose to be easy, smooth, satisfying and fullfilling. If it's not it's because you are forcing it.

 

Fred: You need your own set of personal rules and live by them. When you give yourself some standards to obey by you will start meeting women of better quality.

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What if most goes by the rules but one rule is broken? You break the relationship?

 

E.g. me and my ex are moving to the steps you described except I haven't introduced him to my family (I met all of his early on). He internalized that to no end and it blew out of proportion 1.5 years later...

 

If at 5 months I still have not met anyone from his entourage I'd express my concern, if I saw no efforts within 1 month I would break up, yes.

 

I would prefer losing a relationship of 5-6 months than to embark on a 1,5 year long of frustrations and arguments.

 

I know you did not want to introduce your bf to your family after 1,5 year. I would have broken up with you at 6 months. In the past I have given 1 year to a man to introduce me to his adult children and he failed and I broke up with him. That's from there I came up with my personal rules. 6 months is my top.

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And probably better if he did, it will save us both time. But he knew my family is overseas and he knew about my issues with them, so I though he's considerate enough to break this rule.

 

Did you tell your bf if you don't meet his parents/children by 5-6 months it is over, or you just kept it as mental deadline? He's from Europe as well, right? Did you fly there to meet them?

 

If at 5 months I still have not met anyone from his entourage I'd express my concern, if I saw no efforts within 1 month I would break up, yes.

 

I would prefer losing a relationship of 5-6 months than to embark on a 1,5 year long of frustrations and arguments.

 

I know you did not want to introduce your bf to your family after 1,5 year. I would have broken up with you at 6 months. In the past I have given 1 year to a man to introduce me to his adult children and he failed and I broke up with him. That's from there I came up with my personal rules. 6 months is my top.

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just curious and wants people thoughts.

 

when you are dating is it ok to invite the person you are dating to friends birthday etc?

IMO, make any invitations you feel appropriate and desirable.
is it wrong to get mad at the person you are dating that she didnt invite you to events she could have?
You feel how you feel. If the partners miss on such feelings, the relationship/dating experience ends. IMO, there's no right and wrong here, rather dating and relationship styles.
or you have to wait until you are offical together?
Some people, sure. Others don't wait. Each couple or dating pair is unique.

 

Myself, if I wasn't invited to a 'frend's BD' while dating it wouldn't bug me at all, especially if it were a bunch of strangers. If I weren't invited to my dating partner's BD after we'd been dating awhile, I'd likely be more bothered, especially if I knew some or most of the people there. That's my style.

 

As an example, a couple weeks after we started dating, my exW had a BD get-together for her 40th in San Fran with some of her friends. I wasn't invited. That didn't bother me since we hadn't been dating long and I didn't know them. I wished her well and set up a date for the following weekend. As dating proceeded and we got to know each others friends the invites on both sides developed as well. Our styles meshed. That kind of stuff is likely part of why we ended up getting married. Synergy.

 

Good luck!

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Remember when I said I have rules but I am flexible? My BF family is in France, one son and his mother are the Carribeans. We will have to wait for him to be financially secure before travelling to meet them. He's a full time student and self employed so money is tight for him. ( I am not paying for this trip ) He talks a lot about when he'll take me there. If after 1,5 year he'd tell me he's not ready I meet his family it would be a humongous red flag for me.

 

 

And probably better if he did, it will save us both time. But he knew my family is overseas and he knew about my issues with them, so I though he's considerate enough to break this rule.

 

Did you tell your bf if you don't meet his parents/children by 5-6 months it is over, or you just kept it as mental deadline? He's from Europe as well, right? Did you fly there to meet them?

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Ha not to dilute the thread too much but our case was near identical to yours - we were talking about the upcoming trip to my family all the time (I was nervous but I would have done it over Christmas, i.e. a bit after the 1.5 year mark)

 

Being said that if I really wanted I'd have introduced him on phone/skype, he fired back on me about it post-breakup.

 

Just proving the rules are not applicable when it comes to real people and real relationships:)

 

Remember when I said I have rules but I am flexible? My BF family is in France, one son and his mother are the Carribeans. We will have to wait for him to be financially secure before travelling to meet them. He's a full time student and self employed so money is tight for him. ( I am not paying for this trip ) He talks a lot about when he'll take me there. If after 1,5 year he'd tell me he's not ready I meet his family it would be a humongous red flag for me.
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Ha not to dilute the thread too much but our case was near identical to yours - we were talking about the upcoming trip to my family all the time (I was nervous but I would have done it over Christmas, i.e. a bit after the 1.5 year mark)

 

Being said that if I really wanted I'd have introduced him on phone/skype, he fired back on me about it post-breakup.

 

Just proving the rules are not applicable when it comes to real people and real relationships:)

 

Lets take it back to Fred.

 

Fred has been *dating* a local woman for 7 months. A woman that never agreed to exclusivity, that used him and treated him pretty much like dirt. He let it go for 7 months without ever setting some rules for himself. Now he feels he needs guidance for next time.

 

If his next time he dates a foreign woman then you can I can jump in with our experiece and explain why we both bent the rules for our BF.

 

If my bf was local and his family were here, and he refused to introduce me, I would not have let it unfold more than 6 months.

 

I am suggesting Fred to have personal rules, I gave him my personal rules, he does not have to take mine, he can come up with his and his own delay but he needs rules so no woman will treat him like the last one did.

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Where do you get that his GF is local? I mean even if they're both in the US they could be living far enough. I just remember the thread about Facebook - then I told him it won't be a deal breaker for me because I never post in social media in FB/social media anyway.

 

I didn't read his other threads, maybe there is more.

 

 

Lets take it back to Fred.

 

Fred has been *dating* a local woman for 7 months. A woman that never agreed to exclusivity, that used him and treated him pretty much like dirt. He let it go for 7 months without ever setting some rules for himself. Now he feels he needs guidance for next time.

 

If his next time he dates a foreign woman then you can I can jump in with our experiece and explain why we both bent the rules for our BF.

 

If my bf was local and his family were here, and he refused to introduce me, I would not have let it unfold more than 6 months.

 

I am suggesting Fred to have personal rules, I gave him my personal rules, he does not have to take mine, he can come up with his and his own delay but he needs rules so no woman will treat him like the last one did.

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I have my own personal set of rules.

 

I was willing to give a man 2 months to make our relationship exclusive.

 

I was willing to give a man 3 months to start introducing me to his friends.

 

I was willing to give a man 4-5 months to start introducing me to his family.

 

And I was willing to give a man 6 months to decide if he was falling in love with me.

 

I was willing to be flexible a bit but if the man I was dating had a different set of rules than me I would not date him.

 

Dating someone that has a total set of rules then you is difficult. There is always one that feels disadvantaged, it's always the same one making compromises, and the one at disadvange and making compromise is the big loser at the end.

 

A relationship is suppose to be easy, smooth, satisfying and fullfilling. If it's not it's because you are forcing it.

 

Fred: You need your own set of personal rules and live by them. When you give yourself some standards to obey by you will start meeting women of better quality.

 

My only rules with dating are I don't date women who have rules. If they do have rules and break them I'm ok ;).

 

Dating is not a script that you play out. You should find someone you like and grow together. If something is not going fast enough for you then have an open discussion about your needs and wants. Listen to your partner about their needs and wants. If you find that you two are in conflict then it may be time to end the RL if you are unwilling to reach a compromise.

 

I have never asked a girl to be exclusive - they all asked me. It doesn't mean that I didn't want it (usually) it meant that I was doing it on their timeline.

 

OP - Don't get butt hurt as that is unattractive. Instead, talk about your concerns and understand your partners point of view. Perhaps they introduced their last BF to their family and don't want to go through that again if things don't work out. Maybe they feel it would be too soon for you?

 

Throw out the rule book and have an open and honest discussion.

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Where do you get that his GF is local? I mean even if they're both in the US they could be living far enough. I just remember the thread about Facebook - then I told him it won't be a deal breaker for me because I never post in social media in FB/social media anyway.

 

I didn't read his other threads, maybe there is more.

 

she lived 1 mile away from me

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Rules might work for some. But i think it is a bad idea. There are so many variables. Sounds a bit ridiculous and impatient to me. But I'm in no hurry.

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Some people call it "rules" I call it expectations. If they don't fulfill my expectations I say nothing I just dump them because in the early stages I can't be bothered with complaining/fixing things. Things are just not working out.

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Some people call it "rules" I call it expectations. If they don't fulfill my expectations I say nothing I just dump them because in the early stages I can't be bothered with complaining/fixing things. Things are just not working out.

 

You apply the same precise expectations to every relationship? After precisely 92 days, if you haven't met the family then you bail. 91 days is totally fine. What if his family are all dead? Too bad.

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My only rules with dating are I don't date women who have rules. If they do have rules and break them I'm ok ;).

 

Dating is not a script that you play out. You should find someone you like and grow together. If something is not going fast enough for you then have an open discussion about your needs and wants. Listen to your partner about their needs and wants. If you find that you two are in conflict then it may be time to end the RL if you are unwilling to reach a compromise.

 

I have never asked a girl to be exclusive - they all asked me. It doesn't mean that I didn't want it (usually) it meant that I was doing it on their timeline.

 

OP - Don't get butt hurt as that is unattractive. Instead, talk about your concerns and understand your partners point of view. Perhaps they introduced their last BF to their family and don't want to go through that again if things don't work out. Maybe they feel it would be too soon for you?

 

Throw out the rule book and have an open and honest discussion.

 

Call it rules, call it standards, call it expectations. All the same thing.

 

You are making it sound like it poored in concrete, it's not. It's a guideline for oneselves to avoid being taken avantage of. Like I said in my other post I use to date with no guidelines for myself and I was taken for granted and mislead too many times by men.

 

I was 3 years online with no guidelines for myself and only collected a series of funny stories, sad stories and way too many hit & miss. Then I decided to change it all and gave myself some guidelines. Guess what happened? I finally met a good man that that I have been dating for 1,5 years now. What he liked the most about me when we met? I knew exactly what I wanted. It was music to his ears after being mislead but 100% of women he came across online.

 

Again, I am familiar with OP's story. Are you? He was mislead for 7 months by that woman who treated him like a fwb and nothing more, she used him as a wallet and used him at everything that advantaged her and nothing more. He does not need to have a talk with her, he needs to move on and give himself some guidelines to avoid another woman takes advantage of him like this.

 

OP is all over the map. With this woman he wanted a serious relationship since the beginning, this woman told him she'll have sex with him once a week in a hotel room (that he pays each time) and that is all she gave him for 7 months. She made him beleive she needed time....bullsh$t. That is why I am telling OP he needs to come up with some guideline for himself because so far he had been accepting crap!

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You apply the same precise expectations to every relationship? After precisely 92 days, if you haven't met the family then you bail. 91 days is totally fine. What if his family are all dead? Too bad.

 

Why are you trying to ridicule having standards and expectations. It was never about waiting so many days, it's about having guidelines for yourself, I also said depending on the situation of course you can be flexible and patient. My BF's family is over sea, I have not met them yet after 1,5 year even if my personal rule is 6 months. SEE it's not pored in concrete, it's something you adjust along the way depending on the situation. If my bf was local with all of his family here and he'd still keep me a secret after 6 months I'd express my concern, if nothing changed I'd terminate our relationship.

 

How many women we see on here with stories about their bf promised them an engagement ring and they've been waiting for 2-3-5-12 years? A woman that would have set a personal guidelines for herself and would have decided between 2 and 3 years is enough to wait after a ring would never find herself in a relationship of 12 years still waiting for a ring.

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