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Boyfriend feeling "pressure" from me about marriage


adilaurentis

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adilaurentis

My boyfriend of a year and a half has recently been stressed out because he feels like I'm pushing him to get married soon. I honestly have never officially brought up marriage to him besides some not serious joking here and there and I have no idea where he's gotten that impression from. I admit that I talk about my future a lot because I'm a hugely independent woman who likes to plan and tends to become anxious about uncertainties, and occasionally I would mention news about my friends who got engaged or with kids, etc as gossip. Maybe he's taken "hints" from those conversations and assumed that I'd like to get married immediately.

 

To complicate things more, I'm a foreign national living in the U.S. and his job is kind of sensitive in nature that he cannot discuss anything work-related with me. He's expressed concerns about how my status would probably not bode well with his career and there might be a lot of paperwork, investigations and such to deal with should we get married in the future. The recent stress/pressure he's experiencing has prompted him to look into this matter with officials and coworkers but so far he hasn't received any official word on how big of an impact this might cause. He's very sensitive and emotional by nature and says he feels like sometimes his coworkers would judge or not trust him because of that fact that he's dating a foreigner.

 

I'm not really sure how I should feel about all this. I definitely understand his dilemma and have assured him that i'm not looking to get married anytime soon (with legit reasons). Also, it's kind of insulting to me that I feel like I'm being judged by my background and that dating me is making him self conscious. He said he's trying to take initiatives and think about our future since we're getting more and more serious.

 

Our relationship has been really good for the most part and we're such a great team together. We have our ups and downs and have been able to work through problems well. However, in some ways he's still trying to figure out his career and he has a lot of insecurities about whether he will become a good husband and a provider to a family some day, which warrants his reservation about marriage now. But he's expressed clearly that one day he does want a family of his own.

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Ouch!! What a load of BS.

 

This man is throwing excuses left and right to not give you a commitment. His job would not see well that he marries a foreigner???? Really!!! What a JOKE. His own President is married a foreigner !!! How can he claim his job is more sensitive than the President of the US?

 

After 1,5 year it's time for you to make an executive decision. He's in with you or he's not. My intuition is telling me he is not. You are just Miss Right Now! OMG I am all worked up now from reading your story. What a load of.......

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But he's expressed clearly that one day he does want a family of his own.
With who? Did he say he wants one day to have a family with YOU? Of course not.
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Wise o' Gaeta is spot on....us gals on here can smell the bs from miles away. Like I always say if it doesn't feel right, then it's not....and that's why you are here.

 

A year and a half and already you have your ups and downs? There's a reason for that....he's the problem and I can't understand why you would tolerate such talk from him.

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It sounds like he's not willing to bring you into his life whatsoever (regardless what he thinks of marriage). That doesn't bode well to me if you're looking for something serious. I say men go into 'me' or 'we' thinking and by what you posted here he still sounds like he's in 'me' mode. I personally would want more after that type of time.

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Shining One

This topic spurred my curiosity a bit so I did some quick research. It seems that there may be valid concern for individuals dating foreign nationals and certain security clearances.

 

OP, does your boyfriend's work involve any special security clearance?

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My live-in ex will always refer to 'my house' for the place I was lawfully renting out with him. If only I paid attention....

 

It sounds like he's not willing to bring you into his life whatsoever (regardless what he thinks of marriage). That doesn't bode well to me if you're looking for something serious. I say men go into 'me' or 'we' thinking and by what you posted here he still sounds like he's in 'me' mode. I personally would want more after that type of time.
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adilaurentis
This topic spurred my curiosity a bit so I did some quick research. It seems that there may be valid concern for individuals dating foreign nationals and certain security clearances.

 

OP, does your boyfriend's work involve any special security clearance?

 

Yes his work requires some security clearances. Not sure which level but yeah it's a problem if you have foreign entanglements. I mean, from what I heard, if the nature of your work is confidential, you can't even discuss it with US citizens with no access permission, let alone foreigners. I did some research too and seems like you'd have to report intent to marry or you'd risk having your clearances revoked.

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“…If an applicant or their spouse has a close relationship with even one relative, living in a foreign country, this factor alone is sufficient to create the potential for foreign influence and could potentially result in the compromise of classified information.”

However, your romantic relationship with a foreign-born person is not, as a matter of law, disqualifying under Guideline B.

 

 

The law does not apply to romantic relationships.

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OP from your post I'm gathering the following information: he's just not that into you. Find a man that likes you for who you are.

 

I recently wasted 2+ years with a dude who in the end turned to be keeping me as Ms Right Now, maybe because it was easier to live with me since I was 2x cheaper for him to live that way. He was dangling carrots about marriage the whole time - truth is he wanted to get married asap but not for me. Got it but... wasted 2+ years as said.

 

Please consider carefully do you want to stay with him.

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Yes his work requires some security clearances. Not sure which level but yeah it's a problem if you have foreign entanglements. I mean, from what I heard, if the nature of your work is confidential, you can't even discuss it with US citizens with no access permission, let alone foreigners. I did some research too and seems like you'd have to report intent to marry or you'd risk having your clearances revoked.

 

 

Not discussing his work with others is one thing. Has nothing to do with you being foreign.

 

Report your intent to marry is not the same as being forbidden to marry. I found the law in 2 minutes browsing the net.

 

Did your boyfriend show you exactly the law concerning romantic relationships?

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Shining One

“…If an applicant or their spouse has a close relationship with even one relative, living in a foreign country, this factor alone is sufficient to create the potential for foreign influence and could potentially result in the compromise of classified information.”

However, your romantic relationship with a foreign-born person is not, as a matter of law, disqualifying under Guideline B.

 

 

The law does not apply to romantic relationships.

My understanding is that a dating relationship isn't the same level of risk as cohabitating or marriage, which is what the OP's boyfriend is concerned about.
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adilaurentis
Not discussing his work with others is one thing. Has nothing to do with you being foreign.

 

Report your intent to marry is not the same as being forbidden to marry. I found the law in 2 minutes browsing the net.

 

Did your boyfriend show you exactly the law concerning romantic relationships?

 

Yeah this is all new territory to me too as I was not aware of all this regulations. I'm from Ukraine and I guess your nationalities matter - if you're from a US friendly country like Canada, UK, Germany, etc. it should probably be no problem, provided you have reported everything in time; if you're from Russia or Iran I guess that'd be another story.

 

Sorry this seems to have turned into a discussion with politics involved. He's been so stressed out about this and is still waiting to hear back from someone who can give him some legit and official information. I'd think that if he doesn't have any intent to marry me down the road, he really doesn't need to be this torn.

 

I'm also under the impression that he's afraid that if he loses his job over this one day, he'd have a pretty darn hard time finding another one and then I'd leave him. He kept asking me if I'd still be willing to be with him if he worked for McDonald's or was selling insurance somewhere...

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adilaurentis
My understanding is that a dating relationship isn't the same level of risk as cohabitating or marriage, which is what the OP's boyfriend is concerned about.

 

True. They don't give a crap about you dating a foreigner as long as you have reported it along the way; however, if you're going to move in together or marry them that's serious stuff they need to evaluate.

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He needs to show you exactly what it says in the law concerning his job and his level of clearance. After a year and a half you should sit down and find how to handle this situation. What I am seeing is a man throwing half excuses left and right because it suits him.

 

I am dating a foreigner that works in my country. We sat down together and read all of the paperwork concerning his status in my country and we started the procedure *together* for him to get his permanent residency. I know exactly, step by step, what needs to be done, what form to fill, what delay to wait, what paperwork to supply. There is no part I don't fully understand in the process.

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My understanding is that a dating relationship isn't the same level of risk as cohabitating or marriage, which is what the OP's boyfriend is concerned about.

Not correct. The Guideline B reference Gaeta posted makes it clear that a GF is potentially as big a risk as a wife: " Conditions that could raise a security concern and may be disqualifying include: contact with a foreign family member, business or professional associate, friend, or other person who is a citizen of..... a foreign country....."

 

BUT it continues: ".... if that contact creates a heightened risk of foreign exploitation, inducement, manipulation, pressure, or coercion....."

 

So, to me it's clear that if the GF is a problem, that would apply regardless of whether they're married or just living together. A GF can potentially exploit or coerce as well as a wife can. In fact, his agency should already know all about you as he would have a duty to report contact with foreign nationals. If this security issue is a true concern, you could both see a lawyer who specializes in these matters and get advice on how to address the potential issue. However, I have a feeling that your BF would consider this a big waste of time. Ask him.....and then you'll know.

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Depending on level of security clearance, a person is at risk of losing certain security clearances by marrying foreign nationals from certain countries. This is VERY TRUE. I know someone who lost clearance because they married a Russian girl. You are supposed to report any impending marriage to a foreign national and the powers that be assess security risks and let you know the impact on your clearance.

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Depending on level of security clearance, a person is at risk of losing certain security clearances by marrying foreign nationals from certain countries. This is VERY TRUE. I know someone who lost clearance because they married a Russian girl. You are supposed to report any impending marriage to a foreign national and the powers that be assess security risks and let you know the impact on your clearance.

 

But he didn't lose his job for it.

 

Here is an interesting page.

 

Can an FBI Agent Marry a Person from Another Country? | Chron.com

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Joking and hinting certainly is pressuring him about marriage. He's not stupid. And you're not joking. It's been a year and a half. He's not ready. That isn't all that long.

 

Now, the security checks he's referring to, I believe I've been through them myself. Unless you have something in your background to worry about or some dangerous or criminal affiliations, that should not be a problem. But of course it depends if where you're from is a worry to where he's from. In the US, such interviews may be conducted by an inspector general, usually by phone. I knew a punk rocker in the 80s who had a defense job and he was always being checked and because I was a friend, so was I. Then later, I had a secure job as well, but not in defense, but I had to pass an FBI background check -- and let me tell you, I have led a very colorful life, and have stayed overnight in jail a couple of times as well. They are looking for certain things and not some of the most obvious.

 

He's probably too focused on that, but the fact remains don't push a man into marriage, or a woman. Because once you do, that is their excuse for everything going forward that they do not want to do.

You: Put down the toilet seat.

Him:I wish I still had my own place.

Him: We need to talk about your spending.

You: Wha???

Him: You're the one who wanted to get married before we had our ducks in a row.

You: I need help with the baby. i can't do it all on my own.

Him: You're the one who was in a hurry to get married.

 

It puts you in a weak position. Stop pressuring him. it hasn't been that long.

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adilaurentis
Joking and hinting certainly is pressuring him about marriage. He's not stupid. And you're not joking. It's been a year and a half. He's not ready. That isn't all that long.

 

Now, the security checks he's referring to, I believe I've been through them myself. Unless you have something in your background to worry about or some dangerous or criminal affiliations, that should not be a problem. But of course it depends if where you're from is a worry to where he's from. In the US, such interviews may be conducted by an inspector general, usually by phone. I knew a punk rocker in the 80s who had a defense job and he was always being checked and because I was a friend, so was I. Then later, I had a secure job as well, but not in defense, but I had to pass an FBI background check -- and let me tell you, I have led a very colorful life, and have stayed overnight in jail a couple of times as well. They are looking for certain things and not some of the most obvious.

 

He's probably too focused on that, but the fact remains don't push a man into marriage, or a woman. Because once you do, that is their excuse for everything going forward that they do not want to do.

You: Put down the toilet seat.

Him:I wish I still had my own place.

Him: We need to talk about your spending.

You: Wha???

Him: You're the one who wanted to get married before we had our ducks in a row.

You: I need help with the baby. i can't do it all on my own.

Him: You're the one who was in a hurry to get married.

 

It puts you in a weak position. Stop pressuring him. it hasn't been that long.

 

Very interesting. Thanks for the details. I guess I didn't realize that he had picked up on my "joking" and "hinting" to the point that it's starting to somewhat scare him. I mean, if he really asks me to marry him right at this moment, I doubt that I'd say yes immediately because I think we're still working through some stuff and that my parents haven't even met him yet (since they still live back in my home country) so I'd like to give it a little bit more time. I guess my "casual conversations" about my friends' news and their kids have conveyed the idea that I very much want that too so he's taking it as a desire to settle down asap. After he told me about his concerns, though, I did ask if he can at least see us together for the long term down the road and he said definitely.

 

He's definitely very much focused and torn about the security check thing. I don't have any background or affiliation with any government or military so I hope it should be no problem if it comes down to it. It's good to have this information ready and know everything upfront as much as you can, but it seems unnecessary to make up hypothetical problems to worry about.

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I think he would feel exactly the same if he had a regular job. The problem is not his job it's him. I had a look at your history. You met him and he was a bit of a playboy then you have a thread 10 months into your relationship talking about feeling emotionally insecure.

 

The answer is in him. Not his job.

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I think he would feel exactly the same if he had a regular job. The problem is not his job it's him. I had a look at your history. You met him and he was a bit of a playboy then you have a thread 10 months into your relationship talking about feeling emotionally insecure.

 

The answer is in him. Not his job.

 

You're Canadian and may be unaware of cultural differences and how these various laws apply in real world use, but OP's foreign national status and her country of origin could actually cost him chances for advancement or his job. It wouldn't even necessarily be the stated reason for being passed up for promotion or "laid off", leaving no legal recourse. It's as simple as finding other reasons.

 

For a "melting pot" many here are surprisingly intolerant and distrustful of foreigners.

 

When my uncle was in a sensitive position and married a foreigner, his clearance was temporarily suspended while his intended was being investigated. Once the investigation was complete, his clearance was reinstated. Frankly, his career was slightly affected and he did end up leaving that position for a contracting job that also required clearances for him and his wife, which he also left once it became clear his marriage was hurting him in the office politics game. He ended up leaving his type job altogether and switched to a related job that didn't require clearances.

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Joking and hinting certainly is pressuring him about marriage. He's not stupid. And you're not joking. It's been a year and a half. He's not ready. That isn't all that long.

 

Yes I agree. To me it's obvious the op isn't joking and is hinting strongly, even if she isn't consciously aware of it.

 

For me, 1.5 years is too short for getting married (I should say would have been too short, no way I'll ever do it now)

But everyone is different.

I can totally understand why the boyfriend would feel pressured, especially which his job, which is a genuine concern.

 

Is there a rush for you to get married op? Do you want children soon? Is the relationship good apart from this issue?

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"You are Canadian, may be unaware of cultural differences"......this made me laugh. Do you think we are all whities living in igloos and drive dog sleds? Man alive you need to come check out Vancouver/ the lower mainland BC.

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