pbass Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Theyve been together for like two years or so. My friend doesnt really put out, Its been maybe two months since they did anything sexual. But recently she had sex with him like two days ago and apparently today he said this to her "If you were a little more intimate with me and we were more physical id feel alot closer to you and i would do anything youd want me to and id probably be a better boyfriend." Now my friend likes this guy so much and he likes her too he took his family to meet hers and he even said he wants to look at houses with her cuz he wants to buy a house. But what he said has us a little worried. She had sex with him and today she asked why he said that and what he meant and he said that he just wanted to be closer and that it would make him do a lot of things for her cause he would feel closer. There fighting though because of this and he said for her to just forget he even said anything... what should she do? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Theyve been together for like two years or so. My friend doesnt really put out, Its been maybe two months since they did anything sexual. But recently she had sex with him like two days ago and apparently today he said this to her "If you were a little more intimate with me and we were more physical id feel alot closer to you and i would do anything youd want me to and id probably be a better boyfriend." Now my friend likes this guy so much and he likes her too he took his family to meet hers and he even said he wants to look at houses with her cuz he wants to buy a house. But what he said has us a little worried. She had sex with him and today she asked why he said that and what he meant and he said that he just wanted to be closer and that it would make him do a lot of things for her cause he would feel closer. There fighting though because of this and he said for her to just forget he even said anything... what should she do? I don't know what she "should" do since there are two sides to every story, but having sex once every two months in a committed relationship where neither part is abstaining for moral/religious issues is not at all typical, or in my opinion reasonable. The guy in this story sounds like the more rational one. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 She got a warning....she should try to be a better girlfriend. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 If physical affection brings him closer to her, then he did the right thing explaining how he thinks and feels. Why is she fighting about this? Would she prefer he not be open and honest about his relationship needs? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Intimacy is very important in a relationship. He's not feeling it from her. She never does the deed. Why? Why doesn't she want it? Is there something going on? Is it medical? Is it relationship-based? Men will feel closer to women with the sexual act, and act accordingly with affection after, while women feel closer to men when they behave affectionately, talk and treat them will with no sex on the table at all, which in turn makes them want to have the sex. ] This is a long-term war of the genders. I don't think either of them are wrong. Two months is a long time. Why doesn't she want it? Is he behaving in a way towards her that makes her want it? My ex-husband was abusive, so it's hard to paint a picture of "normal" as an example, but he would ignore me. He didn't talk to me much. He didn't behave in a way that made me feel appreciated, attractive, wanted, or loved on a daily basis. The only times I got affection from him was when he was feeling horny. I wasn't in the mood to be intimate with him when he was pretty much absent all the time and didn't treat me well with affection outside of his horny phases. If I ever gave him affection because I'm just naturally affectionate, that meant sex, and sometimes I didn't want the sex, just a kiss, a hug, snuggling. So I stopped touching him because I didn't want to have to put out. I know I'm not the only one with this experience, even without the extremes of my relationship. There is an underlying issue going on. Two months of a dry spell is going to take its toll, and he's being honest that he's losing the closeness. I question what is going on with her and what is going on with the two of them as a couple that is causing the problem. Perhaps they need to see a marriage counselor. There are issues. Your friend may not know or may not be telling you, but there's something going on. Just on what you shared, the boyfriend has a perfectly valid point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pbass Posted June 22, 2017 Author Share Posted June 22, 2017 My friend was on vacation and they didnt see eachother, but when she came back they had sex. She is pretty physical with him but were just alarmed that he said that he would do anything and be a great boyfriend if she gives him more sex. What if she doesnt want to one or two times? This is why we dont know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 My friend was on vacation and they didnt see eachother, but when she came back they had sex. She is pretty physical with him but were just alarmed that he said that he would do anything and be a great boyfriend if she gives him more sex. What if she doesnt want to one or two times? This is why we dont know what to do. I don't think he is going as far as keeping track of every sexual encounter. I think what he saying is that they simply don't have enough sex. They've been dating for 2-years, do you know the frequency in which they have sex??? The vacation is not important. Many people, if not most, need that physical, sexual closeness to their partner. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pbass Posted June 22, 2017 Author Share Posted June 22, 2017 They are quite physical, she says they do it almost every time they see eachother or at least oral. Also, thats maybe twice a week. And shes upsett that he said he would be a good boyfriend if she did it more often and wasnt as prude. Sometimes she holds back. She feels like, If he loves her, he should do nice things and be a good boyfrjend no matter what not just cause of sex. So she doesnt know what to say or do right now because theyre fighting because shes hurt by what he said and he is annoyed. They were arguing on the phone and he said just cancel what i said and she said how? I already had sex with you. And you said you would do things for me like post my picture more often. What does she do ?? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 It's not uncommon for a person who's needs (in whatever form) aren't getting met to not give as much, They are simply less inspired to do so if they feel that their efforts aren't being reciprocated. I can say one thing though: the way your friend is reacting to him right now will be a huge disincentive for him to be honest with her in the future. He will be more likely to end the relationship rather than work though problems. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 It sounds like to me that she's using sex (withholding) to keep the power balance tilted in her favor. They've been together two years, and she's had sex with him once in two months, and she's perplexed or annoyed that he'd try and talk to her about his needs in the relationship? Hmmm. What if she doesnt want to one or two times? Well, it's reasonable for either person to occasionally decline because they don't feel like having sex, but when that becomes the norm rather than the exception something else is going on. So when you say "my friend doesnt really put out" I wonder what that means, and what's the motivation? Sex is a normal part of being in a relationship. In my previous relationship I always appreciated that she never played games. We had sex 2-3 times a week even though our time was often limited. She never turned me down without a real reason (occasional yeast infection), and she never made it feel like she was doing me a favor. It was very well balanced. I think your friend needs a reset on how sex affects the balance in her relationship. If I was in the boyfriend's position, I'd have to be thinking twice about the viability of a relationship where having sex is a special occasion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 He has voiced a potential incompatibility issue, he wants more sex in the relationship and in exchange he is saying he will be a "better" bf. If he is withholding being a "better" bf at the moment, then that doesn't sound great and my worry would be, is he actually capable of being a "better" bf even if he did get unlimited sex? It sounds like there is already some resentment built up. It is now up to her to decide whether she wants to have more sex with him, or she feels that is not something she is willing to do. It is up to her. She shouldn't feel obliged to give him more sex if she doesn't feel like doing it, as it will then be her that is the resentful one. By having more sex yes, he may feel a lot closer to her, but he may also have reduced the emotional connection on her side. Sex will become a chore for her and that is never a good thing. If there is a huge sexual incompatibility issue here, then it is better they go their separate ways now after only 2 years than let it fester for another 10, 15, 20+ years and then there will be kids and houses and shared assets involved. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 So if they see each other once or twice a week and they are having sex each time, then what is he proposing, that they see each other more often or that they have sex multiple times when they do see each other? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bastile Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 he wants more sex in the relationship and in exchange he is saying he will be a "better" bf. To me, that's a red-flag of trouble. As Salparadise said, it's not about behaving yourself and jumping through hoops to have sex. And there is a power dynamic going on. It obviously isn't working great if it's resulting in sex every couple on months. Both of them probably should be rethinking things. It's likely that your friend wouldn't be like this with a different guy, and her boyfriend would do better off elsewhere too. No point staying together in something mediocre. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 you sound too young to be having sex cuz unless there are extenuating circumstances (flu or pregnancy, say) then enthusiasm is standard and mutual Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 It obviously isn't working great if it's resulting in sex every couple on months. NO, the sex is once or twice a week, every time they see each other, it was only a couple of months due to the friend being on vacation. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 If sex is infrequent because they don't see each other more, that's one thing. If it's because they have different sex drives and needs, then they are probably not compatible sexually, and should split up. Mismatched drives is one of the biggest, most intractable sources of conflict and unhappiness in relationships, so it is best to avoid relationships with someone who doesn't match your level of libido and share a similar range of sexual acts they enjoy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pbass Posted June 22, 2017 Author Share Posted June 22, 2017 They are both extreme horn dogs! Very compatible. Its just the girl doesnt know how often a girl should give the guy sex (you know enough to keep him on his toes but not too much to where he gets used to it). Shes conflicted. The guy is obsessed with her sex and she is the best he has had apparently Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 They are both extreme horn dogs! Very compatible. Its just the girl doesnt know how often a girl should give the guy sex (you know enough to keep him on his toes but not too much to where he gets used to it). Shes conflicted. The guy is obsessed with her sex and she is the best he has had apparently A girl does not *give* a man sex. She is *sharing* sex with her partner. If your friend is under the impression she *gives* sex to her boyfriend then it means she does it just to please him, they have incompatible sex drive. What is wrong in a man getting used to having good sex from his girlfriend?? I am sensing a very unhealthy view of sex from your friend. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 They are both extreme horn dogs! Very compatible. Its just the girl doesnt know how often a girl should give the guy sex (you know enough to keep him on his toes but not too much to where he gets used to it). Shes conflicted. The guy is obsessed with her sex and she is the best he has had apparently She doesn't "give the guy sex". It should be a mutual thing.. I'm not sure what exactly the question is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pbass Posted June 22, 2017 Author Share Posted June 22, 2017 She has a really messed up view of it the people around her tlel her not to have sex too much or the guy will get tired of her, and she just views it like if a guy has sex with a girl he wont wanna marry her Link to post Share on other sites
Bastile Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 NO, the sex is once or twice a week, every time they see each other, it was only a couple of months due to the friend being on vacation. It's confusing. Because in the original post, she said her friend doesn't put out. Then following on, she said she puts out every time. I'm going by the original post, and what the guy chose to verbalize. When I was seeing someone that went to a different part of the continent for about 3 months, I didn't come out with something like that when she came back. So, I view the travelling as sort of moot. The dynamics of the relationship there don't seem to be much of an equal thing. It sounds like the guy is trying to appease her to get laid, or sees sex as a transaction. Whenever you have to directly tell a woman that you need more sex... you are in a real bad place and need to re-evaluate things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 So if they see each other once or twice a week and they are having sex each time, then what is he proposing, that they see each other more often or that they have sex multiple times when they do see each other? Yea, I wondered about this too. There is some conflicting info... doesn't put out, holds back, etc. vs. having sex every time they're together, or at least oral. I wonder if she limits sexual activity to oral when he wants full intercourse? Is she getting him all primed with oral and sending him away unsatisfied? Sometimes she holds back. She feels like, If he loves her, he should do nice things and be a good boyfrjend no matter what not just cause of sex. This snippet sounds like the power struggle again... is she testing him to see if he's fully appreciative of her even when she withholds? I think he made a mistake in saying that he's treat her better if he was getting more sex. He shouldn't try to negotiate it that way at all. He should simply say that he would like sex more frequently and ask about her needs as well, but without making it quid pro quo. Overall, my intuition is that she sees sex as her trump card and doesn't mind using it in a competitive kind of way to keep him a bit frustrated and wanting more... and at the same time, pretending that sex shouldn't even be part of the equation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 (edited) She has a really messed up view of it the people around her tlel her not to have sex too much or the guy will get tired of her, and she just views it like if a guy has sex with a girl he wont wanna marry her[/QUOTE] If this is the case she has already lost because she has had sex with him. If she gives him sex/oral every time their together what is his complaint again. OP your post is full of contradictions. Edited June 22, 2017 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
Author pbass Posted June 22, 2017 Author Share Posted June 22, 2017 She is just alarmed. If she stopped sex, would he stop being a wonderful guy? She said after they had sex again after the month she was gone he was sooo good to her. And she has tested him before to see if they arent sexual (like for a month when she was on vacation) he is still sweet and texts and calls. Well, She said last night he called and sounded bery pissed and she apparently just sent him like 200 messages about how shes confused and how shes pissed and she drove him crazy. He doesnt wanna talk to her and is very frustrated with her and told her he needs a couple hours to herself because shes making him miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pbass Posted June 22, 2017 Author Share Posted June 22, 2017 He also just said he doesnt want sex anymore (because of the scene she caused) Link to post Share on other sites
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