How do you politely ask people what do they do for work?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I mean in the context of OLD. Some seem to get offended by that question implying that I'm after money.

 

It's the shortest way for me to tell if we have a shot at being compatible. I just can't respect a man that is 40 and still never worked anything but a student type of job. I also prefer someone who is at least a little intellectual.

I have tried dating men outside of these criteria and I have never clicked with any.

 

I want to say: hi (some introductory small talk)...wait until he responds then say "so what do you do for work?" But that seems a little blunt.

 

Any suggestions?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Just wait until several other questions have been asked and answered, then ask. It's a perfectly normal question, but not something I'd lead off with for reasons you mentioned.

[RecentChange]

Perhaps you mention what you do for work as a lead in to what they do? Hopefully they would volunteer at that point.

 

I find "so what keeps you busy?" Is a good way to get people to talk about their work and hobbies.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Yeah, I typically wait until some 'conversation' or dialogue has taken place involving other things of interest before asking. My vanilla line is simply, "What do you do, if you don't mind me asking?"

 

I always get a response. It is an expected question.

[SevenCity]

I mean in the context of OLD. Some seem to get offended by that question implying that I'm after money.

 

It's the shortest way for me to tell if we have a shot at being compatible. I just can't respect a man that is 40 and still never worked anything but a student type of job. I also prefer someone who is at least a little intellectual.

I have tried dating men outside of these criteria and I have never clicked with any.

 

I want to say: hi (some introductory small talk)...wait until he responds then say "so what do you do for work?" But that seems a little blunt.

 

Any suggestions?

 

It sounds like that is exactly what you are after. No wonder a guy would find it off putting.

 

If what someone does for a living is your number one criteria for a mate, you should list that in your profile and the guys will decide if they want to respond.

[preraph]

If they are that defensive that they get their hair and suspicion up if you ask what they do for a living, I'd pass on them anyway. Just because a man makes money doesn't mean he's stupid enough to get taken advantage of by a woman, so you don't want the one who is exactly that stupid, to the point where he is paranoid about even dating one because he can't say no or whatever. My guess is most men who'd be offended by that question have crappy jobs anyway and they're just mad at women for caring and deflect the blame on the woman.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If they are that defensive that they get their hair and suspicion up if you ask what they do for a living, I'd pass on them anyway. Just because a man makes money doesn't mean he's stupid enough to get taken advantage of by a woman, so you don't want the one who is exactly that stupid, to the point where he is paranoid about even dating one because he can't say no or whatever. My guess is most men who'd be offended by that question have crappy jobs anyway and they're just mad at women for caring and deflect the blame on the woman.

 

Exactly. If you have a decent and steady job, this question is not offensive.

 

OP, if you don't want to directly ask this question you could try something like, "so are you working in the field you thought you would be 10/15/20 years ago?" or "what would be your dream job?" (and then ask what they actually do after they answer)

[SwordofFlame]

I don't think the question is offensive at all. I'm an urban working professional and only date other urban working professionals.

[SevenCity]

If they are that defensive that they get their hair and suspicion up if you ask what they do for a living, I'd pass on them anyway. Just because a man makes money doesn't mean he's stupid enough to get taken advantage of by a woman, so you don't want the one who is exactly that stupid, to the point where he is paranoid about even dating one because he can't say no or whatever. My guess is most men who'd be offended by that question have crappy jobs anyway and they're just mad at women for caring and deflect the blame on the woman.

 

I have a good job and make good money, but if that's a woman's opening line my spidy sense would be tingling that she is a gold digger or looking for a security blanket.

 

There is much more to someone than their job. Moreover, you have no idea how much a person makes at doing it. A guy could be a stock broker making just enough for lunch money or millions. Or the guy could be a barista at starbucks with a $10 million trust fund that was left to him.

 

Furthermore, regardless of how much money someone makes does not mean they have money. Someone can be making high 6 figures and be in debt up to their eyeballs.

 

The question is appropriate but not as the first thing you ask someone. That implies you are more concerned about their means than who they are as a person.

[RecentChange]

It sounds like that is exactly what you are after. No wonder a guy would find it off putting.

 

I completely disagree.

 

What someone does for a living says a lot about compatability, lifestyle, goals, even personality.

 

I am a "professional" one of those people who spends 12 hours a day working and commuting to a financial district job.

 

And it's no accident that the majority of my friends are engineers, scientists, attorneys, finance professionals.

 

They are right brain people like I am. They are used to being surrounded by intellectuals at work like I am. We share similar schedules, and lifestyles.

 

I could also list professions which I am less likely to mesh well with..... I tend to not get along with the artists type, I would never be able to schedule anything with a bartender, I rarely have things in common with grade school teachers (I am really not into kids)...

 

Someone's profession often says a lot about them, besides their income.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have a good job and make good money, but if that's a woman's opening line my spidy sense would be tingling that she is a gold digger or looking for a security blanket.

 

 

Well, that's a good point. I didn't really look at it that way. I'm a woman and when I ask a man that question it's solely for the purposes of compatibility and discerning whether or not he's motivated, reliable, etc. Not rich. Although I wouldn't reject him for that reason either .

[thefooloftheyear]

I ask people all the time.....I just say "what kind of work do you do??" I can't see how that would be intrusive or impolite...No one ever seemed to mind..

 

But I think you have to be careful when you use someone's profession/formal education as a way to judge or qualify them....

 

Even though I am a business owner and entrepreneur, I am clearly in what would be considered a blue collar field...I often surprise people with my intellect, as they don't put the picture with the person..Additionally, most of my clients are high level professionals, so I get a good read on what these folks are made of...

 

Well...Some are intelligent and worldly and some are just as dumb as a stump...Its a simple fact...There are people I do business with that probably make several hundred thousand a year, yet couldn't navigate their way to the next county without getting lost...And there are others I know with average jobs that are surprisingly intelligent and rounded...

 

Its completely acceptable to use education and job as a criteria, but all I want to point out is that sometimes you can get surprised .....both ways..

 

TFY

Edited June 16, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[amaysngrace]

There is much more to someone than their job.

 

Not for all people. For some what they do for money is the thing about themselves that they identify with most.

[SevenCity]

I completely disagree.

 

What someone does for a living says a lot about compatability, lifestyle, goals, even personality.

 

I am a "professional" one of those people who spends 12 hours a day working and commuting to a financial district job.

 

And it's no accident that the majority of my friends are engineers, scientists, attorneys, finance professionals.

 

They are right brain people like I am. They are used to being surrounded by intellectuals at work like I am. We share similar schedules, and lifestyles.

 

I could also list professions which I am less likely to mesh well with..... I tend to not get along with the artists type, I would never be able to schedule anything with a bartender, I rarely have things in common with grade school teachers (I am really not into kids)...

 

Someone's profession often says a lot about them, besides their income.

 

That's just the thing, you are not a man.

 

As a man we have to contend with women looking for a meal ticket or free ride. Sure, it can happen to women as well but it is more common to happen to men. If that is the first question a girl asks it comes across like she is primarily concerned about money / security.

 

I am totally right brained myself but would be turned off by a woman for whom my job was a primary factor. What if I got laid off? What if I won the lottery and wanted to work at a non-profit organization that rescues dogs? Does that change the person I am because my job does not fall within parameters?

 

I've got a professional job as well and tend to mesh better with other professional women but I don't discount women because of their jobs.

 

What's more important to me is who she is as a person, not what she does for a living. I expect the women I date to feel the same.

[tetrahedral]

OP, bring up what you do for work first. Then ask them. People are usually more comfortable sharing if you go first.

[SevenCity]

Well, that's a good point. I didn't really look at it that way. I'm a woman and when I ask a man that question it's solely for the purposes of compatibility and discerning whether or not he's motivated, reliable, etc. Not rich. Although I wouldn't reject him for that reason either .

 

In the context of OLD, it is much more of a concern though it carries in real life as well. It is a standard question that people ask and there is nothing wrong with it.

 

After being on OLD a while you tend to be a bit more cautious about women. Like if she is foreign is her end game to marry someone just to get citizenship? Maybe, maybe not.

 

When I was lurking on match.com I would see hundreds of profiles from women making $30k/year and they were looking for guys making +$100k/year. That was a big turn off to me.

 

I understand the compatibility thing, but when a stranger on the internet asks you right out of the gate what you do for a living it sets off a red flag for me.

[CptInsano]

[...]

I want to say: hi (some introductory small talk)...wait until he responds then say "so what do you do for work?" But that seems a little blunt.

[...]

 

Who cares if it's blunt? Those you are looking for won't mind the question, and those who mind are not the ones you are after. The question is relevant.

 

P.S.: But leave it at that question. Don't ask what part of the city they live in, details of their employment or anything else that might be perceived as a proxy for gauging their wealth.

Edited June 16, 2017 by CptInsano

[LivingWaterPlease]

I love to ask what folks do for a living, whether I'm just meeting them, dating them, or not. And I love when people ask me what I do for a living. It's a way to learn more about a person. Most people work at their job/career at least 40 hours a week. That's a huge chunk of time. When you spend that amount of time at anything it affects who you are and who you become. So, to me is a relevant question to be answered fairly early on before dating someone. However, wouldn't lead off with it. Just as I wouldn't lead off with saying, "Hi, I'm LWP, how many kids do you have and how long have you been single?"

 

A little small talk at first works well. You have to segue into questions that concern the core issues of a person's life.

[clia]

I wouldn't necessarily lead off with it, but I think asking "what do you do for work" a few questions into the conversation is fine. The only guys I ever found who were offended by it typically weren't doing much for work, so we weren't compatible anyway. Plus, since you have a good job yourself, I don't see why a guy would take it as gold digging. I personally feel it's a perfectly natural question to ask, since most people spend 8+ hours a day at their job.

[Maggie4]

You should ask the more relevant question, "are you satisfied with your job?". It is a caring question which also tells you whether he is happy or disappointed. It doesn't matter what job he has as long as he is happy. If not, he can tell you his ambitions, hopes and dreams. I think some people in job transition suddenly go online dating. Probably because they have free time and not much affirmation. But you know, sometimes when people meet during stressful or uncertain times of their lives and it doesn't work.

[alphamale]

Any suggestions?

most men are not offended if you ask "sooooooo what do you do for a living?"

 

 

the only ones who are offended are the ones who are 35 and still working at Mickie D's

[tetrahedral]

You should ask the more relevant question, "are you satisfied with your job?". It is a caring question which also tells you whether he is happy or disappointed. It doesn't matter what job he has as long as he is happy. If not, he can tell you his ambitions, hopes and dreams. I think some people in job transition suddenly go online dating. Probably because they have free time and not much affirmation. But you know, sometimes when people meet during stressful or uncertain times of their lives and it doesn't work.

 

Men aren't going to bear their souls to a stranger. Some will say whatever they think they should to try and get in her pants. Not practical imo.

[smackie9]

I would suggest getting off the free sites. If you are picky and want a man with a real career, try a site that is geared towards professional minded people.

[Shanex]

It's not offending to me, unless it's the first or second question in a convo which in this case is plain intrusive, I know one could to want to take out the bums or those who have ''crappy jobs'' (how condescending is that)

 

The subtle way is to engage in a convo for a bit, then asks. If you find out soon enough the person is a bum, can't hold a job or something then move on.

 

Smackie is onto something though, if you want someone with a ''great'' profession so who earn a good amount of cash, go for paid sites, even then, don't believe there are more charming prince there because they have the money.

[preraph]

A relationship shouldn't be a struggle of trying to wring information out of someone who's concealing something, so my feeling remains if they're defensive about it, they're hiding something and/or they're a contrary sort who is going to be defensive and/or paranoid and trying to mislead or cheat you about everything and that you'll most likely have to wring information out of about their whereabouts, etc. should you enter a relationship and always assume they are doing something secretive, whether it's money or cheating.

 

If you have to struggle to get something off the ground, that is simply not someone you should want to be with and at least you know right up front. You want to get to know someone who wants you to get to know them, right? Then if you find out you're not on the right page about something, you're both adults who can say "Nice meeting you" and move on.