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I like them both, I want them both.


heavenonearth

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heavenonearth

I haven't done much dating in the past 6 months and I haven't even been with anyone since January. I focused a lot on myself and have recently felt ready again to meet someone completely new. As I am fairly busy, I downloaded Tinder.

I started writing with a few people, and as usual, most conversations were rather bland. But then I started intense contact with two men at the same time!

It just unfolded rather quickly without me noticing.

 

I went on a first date with one of the two. We had amazing intellectual chemistry, and it helped that he is very good looking. He is 15 years older than me (I am 30, he is 45), and a part of me is a bit scared of the age difference.

We since had two more dates, and we finally kissed on the third date, where he stayed overnight at my house. We have another date on Wednesday. We don't text much, but he tends to call me every evening and wants to see how I am doing. When we are together, it's really amazing. I feel safe and adored, respected and fulfilled. He's been single for three years, has a stable career, and is looking for a long term commitment.

 

But then there is this other guy.

He is very busy right now with work, so he couldn't find time to meet right away, and then he had an accident, which complicated things (he broke his hand and lost some teeth). But one afternoon last week, we spontaneously met, and it was the most amazing romantic chemistry. We actually kissed on that first date. I felt like I was in heaven. Completely blown away. He called it 'magic'. He is very good looking and so handsome. We like a lot of the same things and he constantly texts me. We skype and talk on the phone almost every night too. I haven't met him again since last week's first date, because he is, again, very busy, but he wants to meet on the coming weekend. He is 38, and the catch here is that he got out of a 15 year long relationship only 4 months ago. Apparently it was already over last year, but he said the final word was only spoken 4 months ago. He also said he wasn't looking to be with anybody anytime soon, but he said I am 'not just anybody'. To me, this is the only catch. I told him I don't want to be filling a void, and he said that this is definitely not the case.

 

So here I am, with these gorgeous men, not knowing what to do.

 

You see, this has NEVER happened to me before. I never date more than one person at the time, and I had no clue I would like them both. They are very similar, in that they are both sweet and gentle and sensitive. However, they are also very different in many ways.

 

I feel like I need to get to know both much better before I can even say who I may fall in love with, but I am currently crushing so hard on both, and I feel like a complete jerk leading them both on. I am scared I will break someone's heart, but I am even more scared that I will mess it up completely and everyone's heart gets broken.

 

I feel like I should make a decision rather sooner than later, and focus on only one of them, but it seems like an impossible task. They are both really amazing. I decided that after the coming weekend (and after Date 4 with one, Date 2 with the other guy), I will have to stop seeing one of them, before it get's too convoluted.

Or do you think there is nothing wrong with seeing them both for a little while longer?

After all, this is still the 'getting to know one another' phase, no exclusivity has been talked about.

 

Please, if anyone has any advice.. I am trying to weigh the cons, but it seems it is not helping. I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing.

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Always go for the younger one. If sparks are flying, it could be the best journey you can ever be on. People will change their mind if they find the right person.

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heavenonearth
Always go for the younger one. If sparks are flying, it could be the best journey you can ever be on. People will change their mind if they find the right person.

 

You don't find it is odd that he just exited a 15year long relationship?

I am just worried about him being too fast.

 

But that "always go for the younger one" i have never heard before. I am so used to dating young guys, I am kind of over it (not that he is young, 38 is not young...)

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CautiouslyOptimistic

I'd like to know more about the younger man's accident before I give an opinion. A broken hand an missing teeth sounds more like a fight than an accident.....

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So early in the relationships, you are seeing the men they want to show you. Its impossible to make a decision now. Date them both for a while, the answer will usually show up sooner or later.

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MountainGirl111

Waaaayyy too soon to know which way to turn here. And don't be sucked in or fooled by how gorgeous either of them are....and don't be fooled by initial chemistry and sparks flying.....all of that can change....and don't be fooled by "stable career", etc. If he turns out to be a jerk, it don't matter how good a job he has...and age really don't matter especially between ages 38 and 45. If the one guy is still gorgeous and a good kisser even with missing teeth....hmmm....that might be promising....:cool:

 

But if you continue to date them both at the same time, be very open and honest about that fact.

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LivingWaterPlease

Try to stay "just friends" with both as much as possible for as long as possible so that you can learn more about who each of the really is.

 

Possibly soon you may be able to meet their friends and can tell more from that. Birds of a feather and all that good stuff...

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DontBreakEven

I don't think you have a dilemma at all, because odds are that one if not both of them will turn into douchey a**holes. It's hard enough to meet one legit person much less 2 at the same time

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todreaminblue

the guy who just got out of a fifteen year relationship ....is a concern...4 months....i normally prefer a guy who has been single a while....but that is personal preference and also includes one nighters or sex partners as well....

 

i dont know who you should choose but i feel you will know who that guy is ...i just suggest you be honest with them....about the fact you are dating another....deb

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hippychick3

It's too soon. You need more dates with each guy to make a decision.

 

Just given what you've said so far, I'd lean towards guy #1 who is more stable and not freshly out of a relationship. I don't trust someone who is always too "busy" to meet up. Interested guys almost always want to make time to see you as often as possible in the beginning stages. I sense possible trouble/heartache with guy #2.

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So let me get this straight. You had one date with the super busy tothless wonder and you are head over heels already?

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heavenonearth
I'd like to know more about the younger man's accident before I give an opinion. A broken hand an missing teeth sounds more like a fight than an accident.....

 

It was a late night bike accident. That kind where you get stuck in tram tracks with your bike wheel. Pretty bad. Knee was also busted, but he fell right on his face.

Don't think this guy would get into a fight, he's a bit of a wuss.

 

 

Waaaayyy too soon to know which way to turn here. And don't be sucked in or fooled by how gorgeous either of them are....and don't be fooled by initial chemistry and sparks flying.....all of that can change....and don't be fooled by "stable career", etc. If he turns out to be a jerk, it don't matter how good a job he has...and age really don't matter especially between ages 38 and 45. If the one guy is still gorgeous and a good kisser even with missing teeth....hmmm....that might be promising....:cool:

 

But if you continue to date them both at the same time, be very open and honest about that fact.

 

I know. They both have good careers, but this has never been one of my main criteria. I can't imagine either of them being jerks.

How shall I be open about the fact that I am dating both? How do I bring that up?

 

 

Try to stay "just friends" with both as much as possible for as long as possible so that you can learn more about who each of the really is.

 

Possibly soon you may be able to meet their friends and can tell more from that. Birds of a feather and all that good stuff...

 

Ouch. I feel I am way beyond the "just friends" stage with guy #1. He's speaking of wanting a long term commitment. And says stuff like "if we are still together in 'so and so month', we should do this" etc. :(((((

I also can tell by the way he looks at me. Should I bring up the subject of exclusivity ? I don't want it. Probably shouldn't bring it up if I don't want it. Urghhhhh dilemma.!!!!

 

the guy who just got out of a fifteen year relationship ....is a concern...4 months....i normally prefer a guy who has been single a while....but that is personal preference and also includes one nighters or sex partners as well....

 

i dont know who you should choose but i feel you will know who that guy is ...i just suggest you be honest with them....about the fact you are dating another....deb

 

Yes it is a huge red flag for me. I feel the guy may feel trapped again too soon if we start something. As much as I am swooning over him, I just get a bit of a weird vibe. I also have no clue how close he is still with his ex.

On the other hand, I feel he really is head over heels for me.

 

 

It's too soon. You need more dates with each guy to make a decision.

 

Just given what you've said so far, I'd lean towards guy #1 who is more stable and not freshly out of a relationship. I don't trust someone who is always too "busy" to meet up. Interested guys almost always want to make time to see you as often as possible in the beginning stages. I sense possible trouble/heartache with guy #2.

 

I know. So more dates. But how to keep it up? I have days where I lean towards #1, but then other days he is quiet on communication front and then I have an amazing skype date with #2 and I change my mind again. It can't possibly continue like this.

 

The reason #2 is so busy right now is that he is a freelancer and working on a project where he has to travel across country every day for meetings. He was also housesitting for a friend the past week. Hence we are finally meeting again coming weekend when his project is finalized.

 

But that possible heartache... that can truly be. It's hard to tell after just one date. Our communication is really weird too, we talk some days all day long and others barely, because he is so busy. It's a whirlwind.

 

So let me get this straight. You had one date with the super busy tothless wonder and you are head over heels already?

 

The missing teeth are kinda charming. Help.

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Always go for the younger one. If sparks are flying, it could be the best journey you can ever be on. People will change their mind if they find the right person.

 

This is not like you smackie. You normally advice that if someone says they arent looking for someone to believe them and move on.

Now you are saying people will change their mind if they find the right person. Im confused.... please explain

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I reckon that if guy #1 was perfect, you wouldn't have wanted to head out on a date with guy #2.

 

That rules out the first guy.

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Date them both until you decide if you want to be exclusive with one of them, then break off with the other. This is what dating is about. Heck, have sex with them both - just use protection.

 

If you like them both after dating both a while, then tell them both that you are dating another as well, and are they okay with that? Surprisingly, this works more often than you'd think. I've ended up in poly and open relationships this way, a couple of which lasted many years.

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heavenonearth
I reckon that if guy #1 was perfect, you wouldn't have wanted to head out on a date with guy #2.

 

That rules out the first guy.

 

It's because I matched with guy #2 a few days before I matched with #1, but happened to meet up with #1 much quicker. Whilst an interesting correspondence has been established with #2, I was already meeting #1, but still curious as to #2 would be in real life.

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heavenonearth
Date them both until you decide if you want to be exclusive with one of them, then break off with the other. This is what dating is about. Heck, have sex with them both - just use protection.

 

If you like them both after dating both a while, then tell them both that you are dating another as well, and are they okay with that? Surprisingly, this works more often than you'd think. I've ended up in poly and open relationships this way, a couple of which lasted many years.

 

I wish it was that easy. I really don't think that #1 would be ok with that. #2, maybe, but probably only for a certain amount of time.

#1 seems pretty straight forward with what he wants (a commitment).

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You can't have both. One has something that the other doesn't.

 

Find a guy who has all the things that these two are providing. Hard to find ! Finding one person who clicks and checks alll your boxes is tough luck.

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thefooloftheyear
I wish it was that easy. I really don't think that #1 would be ok with that. #2, maybe, but probably only for a certain amount of time.

#1 seems pretty straight forward with what he wants (a commitment).

 

Despite no "declaration" of exclusivity, I wouldn't be cool with someone "shopping" me around...I wouldn't do that to a woman, either...Id give it a fair chance, then if it didn't work, maybe id ring up the other person...If they are taken at that point, oh well.....

 

Think of it this way....You could be with guy #1 and meet another guy at the grocery store and think he's great....What then???

 

You would then have an easy decision....Id be out...but that's me...

 

TFY

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OnlyHonesty

Most guys on dating sites are seeing multiple women as well. You talk about these guys like you can choose the best one, and then become official, but they are probably doing the same thing you are doing.If you are all ok with that, then there is nothing to worry about. The question is all about honesty.

 

I think that you know ''you'd loose them'' both if they knew for sure you were seeing both of them so you keep quiet about this. This shows a lack of faith in meeting someone, and fear. This always backfires in time.

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You stick with the guy that is on the same dating goals page as you are PERIOD. The first guy said "He also said he wasn't looking to be with anybody anytime soon". Which means his current focus isn't about having a relationship.

 

If the second guy says that his current dating goal is to have a relationship, you sit back and observe whether or not he dates you that way.

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heavenonearth
Most guys on dating sites are seeing multiple women as well. You talk about these guys like you can choose the best one, and then become official, but they are probably doing the same thing you are doing.If you are all ok with that, then there is nothing to worry about. The question is all about honesty.

 

I think that you know ''you'd loose them'' both if they knew for sure you were seeing both of them so you keep quiet about this. This shows a lack of faith in meeting someone, and fear. This always backfires in time.

 

Yes, good point. I haven't thought about if either of them are dating anybody else besides me. It's definitely possible. Likely with guy #2, not so much likely with guy #1. So I suppose until I know what I want from whom, I should not ask either of them if they are seeing other people, I suppose? :p

 

You stick with the guy that is on the same dating goals page as you are PERIOD. The first guy said "He also said he wasn't looking to be with anybody anytime soon". Which means his current focus isn't about having a relationship.

 

If the second guy says that his current dating goal is to have a relationship, you sit back and observe whether or not he dates you that way.

 

That's also a good point. Although #2 has said, that he actually has changed his mind about being with anyone, because he likes me so much and he did not expect to fall for someone so quickly.

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That's also a good point. Although #2 has said, that he actually has changed his mind about being with anyone, because he likes me so much and he did not expect to fall for someone so quickly.

 

Do not be fooled. Many stories of of breaking up on Loveshack entails someone fresh out of a relationship jumping right into another one, then breaks up with the current one after a few months despite proclaiming they were "ready". When the spark flies, people often deceive themselves that they're ready to date, but when things start to get stable they realize they weren't ready or healing completely after all.

 

Thus if you look, you'll see many threads, "he/she was crazy about me but now said he/she needs "space". Sure enough, it's either the ex showing up or the person just realizing they weren't single long enough and wanted to enjoy it a little more.

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This is not like you smackie. You normally advice that if someone says they arent looking for someone to believe them and move on.

Now you are saying people will change their mind if they find the right person. Im confused.... please explain

 

 

I understand that the majority of posts on LS you see me waving caution on these situations but it's because it's one sided from my perspective. This time tho I see it is not so....they are both intensely smitten with each other. They both recognize they got something special going on between them. I say it would be worth throwing caution into the wind.

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