Dating 40+ who've never been married/no kids

[newheart]

BFF and I had this conversation and I am interested in what LS thinks ...

 

I am 40, single parent of 3, and have never dated a man with children. Lol ... My BFF has said she really thinks that I need to date men who have children, who understand the commitment and demands of parenting. I understand why she'd feel this way, but it just hasn't happened. I am not actively seeking out only men who don't have children, and I am not rejecting men who do ... I literally have been on one date, my entire life, with a man who has children. It was just last month and there was just no chemistry, unrelated to his parental status. (We've actually kept in touch as friends, laughing about OLD experiences, but that is besides the point)

 

I know there are great people out there in my age group who just haven't met the right person and wouldn't settle, and that is why they don't have children and/or have never been married, but my BFF's take is that reason is the exception, and that as we get older, the absence of this could also mean there are red flags. I don't know how I feel about that. Thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

I was 39 never married & no kids when I met the man who is now my husband. He also had never been married & had no kids.

 

 

I think that it's about the 2 people. If they like each other they can deal with the other's life circumstances. The right guy will have no problem with your kids If their existence bothers him, then you know he's the wrong guy.

[PegNosePete]

my BFF's take is that reason is the exception, and that as we get older, the absence of this could also mean there are red flags.

The absence of marriage or kids is not a red flag in and of itself. Plenty of well adjusted, normal people have simply not done either in their lives. They just didn't meet the right person. And BTW there are plenty of people who would say the opposite, that someone who is divorced or does have kids but is not still with their partner, must have red flags. So really you can't win either way!

 

However what I do believe is that being a parent changes someone and it can sometimes be hard for a non-parent to understand a parent. Especially when it comes to spending time together; a non-parent may not understand the time commitments that a single parent has because they've simply never been there. If you blow them off because little Jimmy is ill or the sitter cancelled, they might take it personally, or think it's a poor excuse for standing them up. A fellow parent is more likely to be understanding.

 

Having said that there are plenty of non-parents who are very understanding of single parents, too. So I am on your side in this. Meet people to date, both parents and non-parents alike, and just take each one as they come. No need to restrict yourself to dating only parents (or non-parents).

[Popsicle]

Yeah, I get it.

 

I get a lot of never married, no kids guys too. I am a bit leary of them.

 

If he has wanted to get married but has been in relationships where the woman didn't want to and obstructed/stalled it, then I'm good with the guy and will keep seeing him.

 

If he has been in relationships but never wanted to marry them because of <insert flaws he says ex has or women in general or the system have> then I'll move on from him quickly.

[mikeylo]

Keep your mind open to all possibilities. If you limit yourself to one pool, you'll miss out. How old are your kids ? Once they are teens , it really wouldn't matter if the guy has or doesn't have kids. It's tougher with younger ones.

[BaileyB]

I was 40, never married with no kids when I met my boyfriend (who has been married and has a child). He thought it was very strange that I had never been married, but truly - the right person had just not come along. We are very happy together.

 

I too believe it depends on the two people. That said, I have met some some very strange men and women who are single well into their 30's and 40's... with good reason. You just need to be open to possibilities and get to know the person.

[smackie9]

If single guys with no kids isn't working, and the reason is that they don't seem to be able to fit into your parenthood lifestyle, then why not seek men who have kids. Maybe that isn't the reason tho.....maybe spend more time on figuring out your expectations in more detail that would work better for you, and use that to determine who to date.

 

You had one no so great experience with a single dad.....there are plenty of them out there. IMO it's the same amount of difficulty with or without kids, just different issues....it's up to you which you would want to deal with.

[caitlinf33]

I've been seeung a guy I met on an OLD site for abt two months - 40's, never married, no kids. When I asked him if he had ever been engaged or married, he told me he had never met the right person. He's a bit of an oddball - I still can't figure out where we stand (friends or romantic intentions) but I do recall being struck at first by his total lack of interest in my son - never asked his age, name, etc. Though there was one day when I had to pick him up at a friend's and he asked to accompany me so he could meet him.

 

I recently went out on a date with a divorced dad and noticed immediately the interest he took in my son - wanting to know his name, age, what sports he liked to play, etc.

 

There is definitely some more common ground when you as a divorced parent dates another divorced parent. I guess the only red flag for me would be if you were dating someone for a while and they took zero inititiave to ask about your children, or some degree of courtesy when you have a babysitter so you can go out with the guy, etc.

[Eternal Sunshine]

From my experience, there are issues with both.

 

1. Divorced guys with kids seem to be a lot more tolerant and accepting of imperfections. Since they have seen their ex wives pregnant and after birth, they know that women are not all wearing lacy underwear and 15% body fat. I have seen them light up when I even make a little effort in what I wear to bed and when I initiate sex. They also have better conflict resolution skills and are pretty wise in knowing what it takes to make a relationship to work. The big con is the kids and ex wife still in the picture. It usually involves a dysfunctional relationship with the ex (either they are best friends or they hate each other and either extreme seems to be filled with too much emotion for me to be comfortable with).

 

2. Never married/no kids guys are looking for perfection. At least around where I live, guys like that are in their late 30s and early 40s that have a decent job, looks and personality are looking for a 20 something model lookalike. They also tend to be nitpicky and walk away after the first sign of conflict. It would probably take them many years to commit. This is for guys that have options. There is also a group of guys that are never married/no children due to being shy and socially awkward rather than picky. Personally I prefer those guys, as long as they haven't developed hard core bitterness towards women in the process.

[thefooloftheyear]

From my experience, there are issues with both.

 

1. Divorced guys with kids seem to be a lot more tolerant and accepting of imperfections. Since they have seen their ex wives pregnant and after birth, they know that women are not all wearing lacy underwear and 15% body fat. I have seen them light up when I even make a little effort in what I wear to bed and when I initiate sex. They also have better conflict resolution skills and are pretty wise in knowing what it takes to make a relationship to work. The big con is the kids and ex wife still in the picture. It usually involves a dysfunctional relationship with the ex (either they are best friends or they hate each other and either extreme seems to be filled with too much emotion for me to be comfortable with).

 

2. Never married/no kids guys are looking for perfection. At least around where I live, guys like that are in their late 30s and early 40s that have a decent job, looks and personality are looking for a 20 something model lookalike. They also tend to be nitpicky and walk away after the first sign of conflict. It would probably take them many years to commit. This is for guys that have options. There is also a group of guys that are never married/no children due to being shy and socially awkward rather than picky. Personally I prefer those guys, as long as they haven't developed hard core bitterness towards women in the process.

 

I gotta tell you....Reading some of your posts, I originally thought you were just whining and complaining, but from what I have seen, heard and experienced, this is a much harder deal for women once they get to this point in life...I have a pretty good handle on why this is...but id rather not derail the OP's thread...

 

I have a newfound understanding...I hope you all find what you are after- as hard as it may seem...

 

TFY

[JuneL]

In that case, perhaps you need to find someone who is divorced without or with grown kids?

 

From my experience, there are issues with both.

 

1. Divorced guys with kids seem to be a lot more tolerant and accepting of imperfections. Since they have seen their ex wives pregnant and after birth, they know that women are not all wearing lacy underwear and 15% body fat. I have seen them light up when I even make a little effort in what I wear to bed and when I initiate sex. They also have better conflict resolution skills and are pretty wise in knowing what it takes to make a relationship to work. The big con is the kids and ex wife still in the picture. It usually involves a dysfunctional relationship with the ex (either they are best friends or they hate each other and either extreme seems to be filled with too much emotion for me to be comfortable with).

 

2. Never married/no kids guys are looking for perfection. At least around where I live, guys like that are in their late 30s and early 40s that have a decent job, looks and personality are looking for a 20 something model lookalike. They also tend to be nitpicky and walk away after the first sign of conflict. It would probably take them many years to commit. This is for guys that have options. There is also a group of guys that are never married/no children due to being shy and socially awkward rather than picky. Personally I prefer those guys, as long as they haven't developed hard core bitterness towards women in the process.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm a 48 year old single parent who has, more often than not, dated men who were not married/no kids as well. Like you OP, it's certainly not something I've consciously sought out, it just seems to turn out this way almost exclusively.

 

Having said that, a great majority of these men have been much younger than me (at least 10+ years) so it would stand to reason why they haven't checked those things off their list yet.

 

As much as I hate to stereotype, I will admit that the experiences I have had with men MY age (40+) who were never married and have no children have always been fraught with deeper issues that I just don't have time for at this stage in my life.

 

Again, I know that is a sweeping generalization and one that I'm certain isn't necessary accurate so I can only go by my own experiences. And those experiences have caused me to pretty much stay clear of the middle aged man who hasn't done the white wedding/baby carriage thingy.

 

But I continue to remain hopeful that I will be proven wrong

Edited June 12, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[newheart]

Keep your mind open to all possibilities. If you limit yourself to one pool, you'll miss out. How old are your kids ? Once they are teens , it really wouldn't matter if the guy has or doesn't have kids. It's tougher with younger ones.

 

Hi Mikey,

 

They are 14 y.o. twins and 20, so I have a lot more freedom these days. I have never limited myself to one pool or the other and don't plan to, but oddly enough, it has just worked out that way!