Girlfriend constantly wants to win fights/arguments....

[iDrumKing]

We simply were watching tv when she got annoyed with me turning up and down the volume (it's an action flick so some parts were louder than the others).

 

She started to ignore me at that point. The next thing I knew she's yelling at me about how she wants me to find work closer to home. Says that every time she brings it up I get annoyed because to be quite clear with you I'm not comfortable with it.

 

I asked her to please drop the subject. And lone behold she gets even more upset. So upset that she storms out the house to her parents home. You know who that makes look bad? You guessed it... me.

 

She ALWAYS wants to win anything and everything. That's why I decide to not ever bring anything up. It's because I KNOW it ends up with her getting mad.

 

What do I do? How do I get it through her head that there are ways to go about differences?

[TheFinalWord]

I'm unsure you can get that message into her head. It might be that you just get on her nerves for whatever reason.

 

How long have you been dating? If constant arguing is an issue, you may want to re-evaluate whether you want to be in a relationship with her.

 

Did you have an opportunity to get a closer job and did not take it? It sounds like she is annoyed by some life-related issue that she feels you are not addressing. Depending on how long you've been dating, asking someone to re-locate is a pretty big request if you've only been dating a short amount of time.

[basil67]

Actually, I think this makes HER look bad.

 

If I were in your shoes and happy with where I worked, I'd probably say that I am not changing my job and her nagging will not change this. Tell her that if she cannot cope with your choices, she is free to leaave.

 

At present you are being passive aggressive and this only creates more problems. It's time for you to start communicating- and let that communication be a line in the sand.

[phineas]

OP, she sounds like a nightmare.

You think she nags you now?

Wait until you are married.

[elaine567]

Obviously she is upset that you are working far for home and chose the "volume" issue, as an opportunity to bring up what she is probably very annoyed with you about.

YOU then chose to shut her down completely as if her views do not matter one iota, so she storms off to her parents.

 

Yes she should have calmly brought up the subject of you working far from home but if you keep refusing to discuss it as you are uncomfortable with the subject, all that does is build resentment, the resentment you then bore the full brunt of.

[GemmaUK]

Why are you 'not comfortable with getting work closer to home'?

 

That would be a good thing surely?

[smackie9]

This has nothing to do with "winning" this has to do with "communication" or the lack there of. When cutting off communication, you come off as uncaring and selfish.

 

In stead of getting your back up and shutting her down, you simply and CALMLY state your case about the subject. You must listen to her side too. You easily pacify the situation by saying "At this time it's not possible, but in the future of course I will find something closer, it's just too difficult to find a new job that pays as well, etc" "I will keep looking....." "Maybe moving might be a less evasive option. How do you feel about that?" Just talk it out, that is all you have to do.

 

As for the volume thing, just leave it.....when you are in a theater you can't control the volume right? So what's the big deal? Put down the remote and snuggle with her instead.

 

Tip: be empathetic towards your partners feelings.

[OatsAndHall]

I don't know the specific dynamics within your relationship as there's not much detail to go on. However, in response to the title of the thread, I can tell you that my ex-wife had a difficult time keeping her temper under control. Because of this, discussions turned fights quickly and these were fights that she had to "win". The vast majority of the time the fight would end with her making a nasty personal accusation that had nothing to do with the original discussion.

 

For example, we were arguing about finances as she wanted to buy a vehicle that we couldn't afford at the time. There was no point in even having the discussion because the money wasn't there and we had zeroed out the bank account recently. I tried to come up with compromises; find something cheaper, find something that we could pay off in a year, work extra hours in her side practice to pay for it, etc..etc.. She wasn't getting her way so she completely changed the subject and said that "I DIDN'T LET HER HAVE ANY FRIENDS!!". This was after she had spent the entire afternoon with her friends which I had absolutely no issues with (why would I..). She then told me the conversation was over. I felt the need to defend myself, it intensified the fight and was told that I wasn't "respecting her boundaries".

 

So, I have learned to walk away from these kinds of situations. If an argument ensues with a SO and it's getting out of control I will tell them that I am getting upset and that nothing will get accomplished if the conversation continues at the point. I will tell them I need some space to calm down and collect my thoughts so that we can have a conversation and not a fight.

 

So, that is my advice.. Learn how to politely end a conversation when they turn into a fight and revisit the topic when you're both calm.

[iDrumKing]

Why are you 'not comfortable with getting work closer to home'?

 

That would be a good thing surely?

 

Of course it would be a good thing. But I want it to come in time. I built great relationships at my current job, the pay is good and the hours are very accommodating to my schooling.

 

If anything I want more time to prepare and do some more research on the company she wants me to move to before jumping right into things.

 

Feeling pressured in that department is what may be the cause of frustration when it's brought up. I want to talk about it when I'm ready. Surely that's a simple request right? We aren't in a situation where we need more money, baby on the way, etc. She wants me closer and that's all. Current commute is only 15 - 20 minutes.

 

 

And to answer a few questions asked earlier...

 

We've been dating for a little over a year.

[smackie9]

The key is not to blow off her concerns or her opinions...take them to heart. Tell her there is no rush to change jobs at this time, but will revisit this conversation when your schooling is finished.

[GemmaUK]

Of course it would be a good thing. But I want it to come in time. I built great relationships at my current job, the pay is good and the hours are very accommodating to my schooling.

 

If anything I want more time to prepare and do some more research on the company she wants me to move to before jumping right into things.

 

Feeling pressured in that department is what may be the cause of frustration when it's brought up. I want to talk about it when I'm ready. Surely that's a simple request right? We aren't in a situation where we need more money, baby on the way, etc. She wants me closer and that's all. Current commute is only 15 - 20 minutes.

 

 

When you communicated all of the above to her what was her response?

[iDrumKing]

When you communicated all of the above to her what was her response?

 

Pretty much more anger. Which is why I don't bring up topics that might possibly in the slightest way stray away from her views. It's hard to discuss things because she takes things very personal when they aren't.

 

We have a communication problem and I realize that. But it's tough to talk to someone who wants to put their foot down on every subject.

[coolheadal]

I'm unsure you can get that message into her head. It might be that you just get on her nerves for whatever reason.

 

How long have you been dating? If constant arguing is an issue, you may want to re-evaluate whether you want to be in a relationship with her.

 

Did you have an opportunity to get a closer job and did not take it? It sounds like she is annoyed by some life-related issue that she feels you are not addressing. Depending on how long you've been dating, asking someone to re-locate is a pretty big request if you've only been dating a short amount of time.

 

I would like to know why YOU are putting up with her mental disorder, and I don't want to hear she doesn't have one. For anyone to get emotional over stupid things like what you have describe is not right in the head. You just allow it to continue without trying to solve it and put a lid on it. I blunt because too much his sort of behavior is popping up not only for you but for me too. Either you confront them on about it or just tell them to pack-up their stuff and get the heck out of your life. LISTEN YOU DO NOT NEED THIS SORT OF CRAP FROM ANY WOMAN!

[OatsAndHall]

The key is not to blow off her concerns or her opinions...take them to heart. Tell her there is no rush to change jobs at this time, but will revisit this conversation when your schooling is finished.

 

I will second this statement but with one condition.

 

I would not engage with her on the subject if she brings it up in an angry or irrational fashion. Again, I haven't been a fly on the wall to witness the fights you have had but it is never a good idea to jump right into a fight.. And, I would be tactfully blunt if it looks like it is going to be an argument and not a discussion.

 

"This conversation isn't going to go anywhere constructive if we're angry. I will talk to about it when things have calmed down."

 

Get some space from her if she can't accept that response. It is in the best interest of the relationship and your own mental health to cut off these fights before they start. So be it it if she ends up at her parents again.

[coolheadal]

You don't talk things over with her in a calm matter it's never going to end the way you want it to end. Fluiding the fire just leads to more of the same.

[OatsAndHall]

Pretty much more anger. Which is why I don't bring up topics that might possibly in the slightest way stray away from her views. It's hard to discuss things because she takes things very personal when they aren't.

 

We have a communication problem and I realize that. But it's tough to talk to someone who wants to put their foot down on every subject.

 

I hear you on that one... I started off being calm and rational when I first met my wife and wouldn't duke it out with her if she was angry. It was easy for me to do so before we started living together. I'd tell her that I wasn't going to fight with her until things calmed down and I'd go home. She'd calm down eventually and we'd sort through it. But, it took a turn for the worse when I moved in with her... I could only spend so much time out for walks and fishing when something came up and became more p-ssed off because I was fed up with having to leave my home to get away from fights. That caused more tension because I was accused of "being distant" when I was trying to keep my sanity.

 

But, as time went by, I grew angry and resentful and tended to lose my cool when she brought certain topics up. I would bottle up a lot of frustration and it would come out badly when we needed to talk about something.

[Maggie4]

There are a couple of possibilities: your existence annoys her and she doesn't even like you, she just doesn't want to be alone. Or, you have done her wrong in the past (eg. cheated on her, broke promises, let her down, etc.) and she has resentment towards you. Believe me, it is not the TV volume.

[Bastile]

Was thinking initially that you are boyfriend/girlfriend with the wrong person. But this cements it:

 

 

Pretty much more anger. Which is why I don't bring up topics that might possibly in the slightest way stray away from her views.

 

No way to live your life, like a beaten down dog.

 

It's hard to discuss things because she takes things very personal when they aren't.

 

We have a communication problem and I realize that. But it's tough to talk to someone who wants to put their foot down on every subject.

 

Rather than jump into a serious relationship with the first woman that reciprocates some interest, you should have been vetting for someone of more decent character.

 

She sounds like a complete pain in the arse.

 

Don't get me wrong, a good row now and again can be kind of enjoyable...

 

But only if it's leading to something. Not when it's eroding your sense of well-being and mental-health.

 

Dump her, and let her be some other poor mug's problem. Prioritize women who are more flexible, open-minded, and nurturing.

 

I promise you that life is better that way. Rather than keep trying to push a round peg into a square hole.

[phineas]

Of course it would be a good thing. But I want it to come in time. I built great relationships at my current job, the pay is good and the hours are very accommodating to my schooling.

 

If anything I want more time to prepare and do some more research on the company she wants me to move to before jumping right into things.

 

Feeling pressured in that department is what may be the cause of frustration when it's brought up. I want to talk about it when I'm ready. Surely that's a simple request right? We aren't in a situation where we need more money, baby on the way, etc. She wants me closer and that's all. Current commute is only 15 - 20 minutes.

 

 

And to answer a few questions asked earlier...

 

We've been dating for a little over a year.

 

15-20 mins?

SERIOUSLY?

 

i commute 45 mins.

so do most people i know.

[mortensorchid]

This woman sounds like she is bent on power and control. It's her way or the highway, and if you're not giving her what she wants she gets angry and throws tantrums. You have to ask yourself in those situations if you want to be happy or if you want to be right all the time. That is, learn the art of compromise.

 

That aside, are you really happy with this woman? It doesn't sound like you are.

[Arieswoman]

How old are you both ?

[iDrumKing]

How old are you both ?

 

I'm 24 and she is 22.

[iDrumKing]

This woman sounds like she is bent on power and control. It's her way or the highway, and if you're not giving her what she wants she gets angry and throws tantrums. You have to ask yourself in those situations if you want to be happy or if you want to be right all the time. That is, learn the art of compromise.

 

That aside, are you really happy with this woman? It doesn't sound like you are.

 

When these types of arguments happen, no im not happy. I ended up apologizing and she's still not talking to me. I'm getting fed up.

[Gaeta]

We simply were watching tv when she got annoyed with me turning up and down the volume (it's an action flick so some parts were louder than the others).

 

She started to ignore me at that point. The next thing I knew she's yelling at me about how she wants me to find work closer to home. Says that every time she brings it up I get annoyed because to be quite clear with you I'm not comfortable with it.

 

I asked her to please drop the subject. And lone behold she gets even more upset. So upset that she storms out the house to her parents home. You know who that makes look bad? You guessed it... me.

 

She ALWAYS wants to win anything and everything. That's why I decide to not ever bring anything up. It's because I KNOW it ends up with her getting mad.

 

What do I do? How do I get it through her head that there are ways to go about differences?

 

She gets annoyed

She ignores you

She yells at you

She gets upset

She storms out

And she wants to run your life and job

 

And all this under a year dating.

 

You are dating a kid and a spoiled manipulative one. This relationship isn't viable, save yourself some heartache and break up.

 

I also find ridiculous she wants you to change work because of 15 minute commute. I drive 1 hour in traffic each day to make it to work and so are millions of people in my city.

[elaine567]

When these types of arguments happen, no im not happy. I ended up apologizing and she's still not talking to me. I'm getting fed up.

Maybe she feels she is nearing the end of this relationship with you.

Fighting, yelling and getting angry especially over trivia or unresolved issues, usually signifies a relationship in trouble and if she is still not talking to you, she may be seriously considering breaking up, sorry to say.