Issues

[juniorrocha]

Hey guys. I'm having this problem in my relationship and I'm seeking some guidance.

 

My girlfriend has been having financial problems for a while, 'cause she spends more than what she earns. She had about $5k debt in 3 banks and couldn't pay for it - all of it spent with nothing necessary. I was saving some money so I lent her part of it, the other part she's been paying monthly to 2 of these 3 banks until the end of the year. She asked me if I could take control of her financial life until everything was alright. I agreed.

 

She's been trying hard to save money and I can see that, but it's still not sufficient. 2 days ago I told her that, this month specifically, she spent way more than she should and that she should understand that she's in a bad position until the end of the year, and if she wants to get out of it, she will have to stop spending so much. She got very upset and it's been now 2 days since she stopped talking to me.

 

Maybe I was a bit harsh, and I apologized, but I've talked to her about it so many times before and it still persists. I truly believe that part of loving someone is about telling them their mistakes and show them how they can do better.

 

Tonight I may have made things worse too. I was feeling so left out so I told her why can't she just talk about her problems with me instead of getting distant. She said that she's been trying her best not to spend as much and that it bothers her very much when things go wrong, because she knows I've been helping her a lot and she feels very guilty. I made the mistake of telling her that she should count on me, that I'll continue helping and that's not a problem for me, but that she should stop distancing herself 'cause it's hurting our relationship. And now she's even more distant.

 

This has been going on for a while. If anything bad happens, usually 'cause of money but anything else that goes wrong in her life too, she doesn't seek me for support and instead will go DAYS very distant. I feel like a ****ty bf.

 

What do I do now?

 

I'm giving her time, but each time she gets upset again, I want to run away more and more...

[SevenCity]

I've been with more than one woman with poor spending habits and had similar reactions as you.

 

She doesn't see it as a problem as much as you and you trying to help is telling her she's wrong.

 

Next time I would just do nothing until they really ask for help. Women don't want to hear they are wrong, they want emotional support.

 

Personally I would tell her that you don't want money to ruin the RL and don't bring it up again. Of course, this will result in you paying for everything.

 

The best thing to do is find a girl who understands money and finances. My ex owed $150k and it was a constant stress on the RL. I won't date a girl seriously who is in debt anymore.

Edited May 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted full quote of starting post

[act00]

Thinking in terms of the future, this issue will not go away. Instead, it will be a constant source of contention in the marriage as she slowly runs you into more and more debt. I've seen this complaint many times. Sometimes the spouse (not necessarily the woman) will even take out credit cards in secret, and ultimately leaves the other spouse trying to recover from the latest debt.

 

Finances cause divorce a lot.

 

I don't know how to resolve this situation, but I think you're plop in the middle of what many married couples go through, and you won't be able to stop her reaction. She's unhappy she can't spend like she wants, and she's unhappy she has to clamp down harder to remove the debt, and unhappy when you scold her for failing to comply to the plan. You took on this role, she gave you this role, and this is the backlash. I agree, she shouldn't shut you out, but if her reaction is to shut down when she's upset, it's just something you need to deal with. Hopefully she can learn to open up to you more, but it won't be a quick fix.

[CptInsano]

Working in the financial industry I'm convinced that people have a very emotional relationship with their finances. It's more about wants, dreams and status than anything else. In cases like your gf she may need help with underlying emotional issues rather than financial advice. It's not that complicated to stay within a budget, but dealing with how that change in lifestyle makes you feel is often very hard.

 

Personally, I would stay out of her finances.

[smackie9]

Oh oh ohhhhhhh she's a Princess! lol

 

You can encourage her to seek out a financial advisor for counseling...there are some that offer it for free, to help people getting a hold of spending. OCD is related to such habits btw.

 

Do not give her money, do not live with her, don't pay for everything and don't let her issue consume you. All you can do is give her an ultimatum. If she doesn't get her act together, the relationship is over. It is a last ditch effort on your part....enough is enough.

[juniorrocha]

Do not give her money, do not live with her, don't pay for everything and don't let her issue consume you. All you can do is give her an ultimatum. If she doesn't get her act together, the relationship is over. It is a last ditch effort on your part....enough is enough.

 

I've been trying my best. Sometimes when we go out, I pay for everything and I honestly don't mind. I don't do that everytime though, sometimes we end up doing everything home the entire weekend so I can help her not spending. But that's something that must come from her too. It doesn't work if I help her and she doesn't help herself. I've told her all that and ofc, she gets very upset.

 

Still what bothers me the most is how she gets so distant. I mean, the money isn't the biggest issue for me, 'cause I see she's making progress (just isnt there yet), but rather how she shuts me off. We went the entire day today not talking again, although she texted me good morning, apologized and asked me for patience (because she's been very worried).

 

It drives me crazy tho when she says "I'm gonna transfer you these $3 you lent me as soon as I get paid". Seriously, wtf? Is she doing it for attention or something?

 

Anyway, she knows it's damaging our relationship and I do hope she gets better soon. I'm certainly not staying in a relationship that brings me down. This is affecting my life very much, I lose motivation, sleep and end up feeling sad too.

[preraph]

Stay out of her finances, but never even consider marrying her or they'll by your problem too.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Hey guys. I'm having this problem in my relationship and I'm seeking some guidance.

 

My girlfriend has been having financial problems for a while, 'cause she spends more than what she earns. She had about $5k debt in 3 banks and couldn't pay for it - all of it spent with nothing necessary. I was saving some money so I lent her part of it, the other part she's been paying monthly to 2 of these 3 banks until the end of the year. She asked me if I could take control of her financial life until everything was alright. I agreed.

 

She's been trying hard to save money and I can see that, but it's still not sufficient. 2 days ago I told her that, this month specifically, she spent way more than she should and that she should understand that she's in a bad position until the end of the year, and if she wants to get out of it, she will have to stop spending so much. She got very upset and it's been now 2 days since she stopped talking to me.

 

Maybe I was a bit harsh, and I apologized, but I've talked to her about it so many times before and it still persists. I truly believe that part of loving someone is about telling them their mistakes and show them how they can do better.

 

Tonight I may have made things worse too. I was feeling so left out so I told her why can't she just talk about her problems with me instead of getting distant. She said that she's been trying her best not to spend as much and that it bothers her very much when things go wrong, because she knows I've been helping her a lot and she feels very guilty. I made the mistake of telling her that she should count on me, that I'll continue helping and that's not a problem for me, but that she should stop distancing herself 'cause it's hurting our relationship. And now she's even more distant.

 

This has been going on for a while. If anything bad happens, usually 'cause of money but anything else that goes wrong in her life too, she doesn't seek me for support and instead will go DAYS very distant. I feel like a ****ty bf.

 

What do I do now?

 

I'm giving her time, but each time she gets upset again, I want to run away more and more...

 

Ack, never would have gotten involved with someone like her.

 

But, since you are, I would lay it on honestly and not feel guilty about it. Her inability to deal with adversity is the bigger issue. I would continue telling her that her debt, for now, is still manageable, but that she has to be more disciplined and frankly, more attentive to what you have to say. SHE asked YOU to help HER with HER finances. Tell her that you are looking out for her and helping her to get to a place that will make it more comfortable for her financially. Please warn her of her situation and how MUCH WORSE it will become, both financially and in other areas of her life if she doesn't deal with this.

 

Good luck!

[salparadise]

Anyway, she knows it's damaging our relationship and I do hope she gets better soon.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that. I wish I could give you hope that things might change, but I think it's highly unlikely for both issues.

 

My ex-wife was similar. We were married 20+ years and we could never work on or stick to a budget because it turned into a big argument every time. Spending was compulsive, shopping was her thing. No different than a compulsive gambler, really. She resented me for trying to exercise restraint. She saw it as me being controlling and withholding what she deserved.

 

As CptInsano said, people's relationship with money is emotional, and the pattern is established very early in life. Some people are natural born savers, and others can't stand having an unspent dollar in their pocket. It's a personality attribute, not a simple behavior. And here's the thing... you being in control just sets you up as an object for her to externalize/project all of that emotion onto.

 

The withdrawal predisposition is separate but not entirely unrelated. It's an immature, dysfunctional emotional response that compounds as a relationship issue. It's similar to the silent treatment, but somewhat less tactical. Again, not something she'll be able to simply decide to change.

 

As much as I'm sure you must care for her, ultimately you'll have to either accept her as she is with those characteristics or move on. Sounds like you're already realizing this, although not quite ready to...

 

I made the mistake of telling her that she should count on me, that I'll continue helping and that's not a problem for me, but that she should stop distancing herself 'cause it's hurting our relationship. And now she's even more distant.

 

This has been going on for a while. If anything bad happens, usually 'cause of money but anything else that goes wrong in her life too, she doesn't seek me for support and instead will go DAYS very distant. I feel like a ****ty bf.

 

No, telling her that the distancing isn't right wasn't a mistake. Agreeing to continue being in charge of her money might have been, but you're trying to be good to her. You aren't a ****ty bf; believing that you're the problem and blaming yourself, trying to appease, etc., is codependent behavior. And conversely, I suspect she may have the kind of issue that attracts that. You don't want to be her caretaker/rescuer.

Edited May 26, 2017 by salparadise

[todreaminblue]

what a thoughtful and caring bf you are......you must be a really patient person to try to help her.....i understand you dont like the emotional distance when you try and "fix" things.....and if it were me(i am horrible with finances) i woudl be wanting to match yoru thougthfulness with success....maybe she gets down about it...failing you or feelings of failing......when you are trying your very best to help......and guilt makes her distance herself......

 

i will say my overspending comes from feelings of hopelessness......depression...i use retail therapy to try to make me feel better...finances get me down.....other people finances get me down.......when my family has issues i get depressed and anxious......i am xtreme in this though...i try and help till i have nothing left.........then feel guilt and depression because i havent paid my own bills......my ex used to hadnle the money i have a habit of giving it away.....i actually also have bought things in triplicate.....i forget what i buy......he is logical and analytical.....and eh woudl just say nah ....i would ask him ok can i do this and he would go nah......and i would go ok......and he woudl give me money for bills and shopping.....we would have jars and tins of savings......where we put all change in at the end of the day......no notes just change..in coinage...and they would be our xmases.....and emergencies.....

 

since splitting i have tried to manage myself...and i am pretty much always broke...dont owe too much though...and i have no credit cards.....yay......

 

my spending is very much tied to my emotional state i was actually a book keeper......for business accounts.....i know hwo to balance and i know whats necessary....its my emotive side that stuffs everything up.....

 

sounds like you need to have a talk with her fidn out if its better you step away from the finances to save the relationship as another poster said there are free advisors......i hate it money splits couples up...hate it......and if you have a godo relationship other than this area that causes distance ...deal with that...take it away and just be there for her for emotional support......dont try and fix things......she si probably really grateful you are helping her....adn doesnt want to let you down or fail....and for the erelationship to end....over money ...what bigger failure is there......that would be ahorrible thing to happen.....keep your money seperate if you do intend on being with her long term......for your own peace of mind.....

 

with me and my ex....he told me nah you cant give money to her .......adn then took me shopping for new shoes and an outfit.....and it wasnt cheap and i bawled my eyes out at the cash register/ because i wanted to give the money instead of that...but i needed new shoes and he had my interests at heart......i would have gone op shopping and given the money instead.....but i never pulled away from him when he told me no......or dont do it.....or you should do this...because it came from a place of thoughtfulness logicality and caring...i knew he was right...and your gf knows surely knows you are right and just too...she just doesnt want to feel like she is failing or lettign you down.could eb doing retail therapy as well.......so take money out of the equation and get her a free advisor..be her bf and there for emotional support.......i wish you well...deb.

 

.

[smackie9]

Princess Video - Laura | Season 1 Episode 3 - Slice.ca

[Chilli]

l dunno. Rome wasn't built in a day. She's been trying and slowly getting there. She even admitted it and asked you for help.

 

Try to hold off on any criticism and lectures when she back steps. Because it still sounds like she has made a big effort and come a long way.

 

Believe me l'm bad with money and it's a constant battle staying on top of the bad habits.

if l drop my guard for a second, piles of the stuff will just slip through my fingers before l know it.