meta.morphate Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 There's a guy I've been talking to (texting, gone out about three times over a few MONTHS) who I know from work (we don't work closely with each other, just in the same building) and I've had fun with him when we have gone out, he's very attractive, and seems to have himself together. He keeps trying to go out for drinks with me after work and whatnot, but to be honest, my interest, attention, and time are primarily with someone else (not my boyfriend, just a guy I spend time with, he's not GOOD for me and we're never going to be OFFICIAL but it is what it is for right now). I like this dude from work and want to be friends, I could picture bringing him around my friends/family, but for right now, I'm not looking to get into a romantic relationship. I'm open to being sexual with him, but only casually, because I'm not ready to break things off with the other one. And if our relationship does become sexual, I want it to just be organic, I don't want it to be planned, nor do I want to feel obligated .... Which leads me to my question. Am I leading dude on by going out with him, letting him spend his money on me (I have offered to pay, tried to pay, he won't let me) knowing that I'm not looking for anything serious and am only "maybe" open to something casual, or a friendship? I do like him but my life is a little messy in the relationship department right now and I don't want to hurt anyone, nor do I want to commit myself to anyone when I'm not ready. I mean, we've gone out of a few times ... I feel like he's going to expect sex or something eventually. Not really sure what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 Does the guy at work know that you're already seeing someone else? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 Be honest with him that you are seeing another guy. After that if you do have sex with him remind him that you aren't looking for anything serious. He will more than likely still want the sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 i think you should be honest with both guys about what you want, what you are comfortable with and you dont want to be tied down......i dont think its fair or right to the guy who is paying for everything and taking you out.....if he falls for you and you had no intention of pursuing something steady with him...your thoughts are elsewhere...seems like an accident waiting to happen if he falls for you...and thats a possibility you should consider.......good luck........deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 This guy likes you. While he may take you up on the FWB thing because he's a guy. However, sex will be leading him on. You work with him so this is a particularly bad idea. You need to tell him you only want a work friends/ colleague relationship with him because you are interested in another man. A few weeks after you break his heart, reach out once to ask him round for after work drinks to make it clear that you meant you want to be friends but give him the satisfaction of turning you down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheAntiHero Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 "letting him spend his money on me" LOL, you're "allowing" him to spend money on you? He should be honored? Yeah, let this guy know you're seeing a bad boy on the side and hopefully this guy drops you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ReadyFreddy Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 There's a guy I've been talking to (texting, gone out about three times over a few MONTHS) who I know from work (we don't work closely with each other, just in the same building) and I've had fun with him when we have gone out, he's very attractive, and seems to have himself together. He keeps trying to go out for drinks with me after work and whatnot, but to be honest, my interest, attention, and time are primarily with someone else (not my boyfriend, just a guy I spend time with, he's not GOOD for me and we're never going to be OFFICIAL but it is what it is for right now). I like this dude from work and want to be friends, I could picture bringing him around my friends/family, but for right now, I'm not looking to get into a romantic relationship. I'm open to being sexual with him, but only casually, because I'm not ready to break things off with the other one. And if our relationship does become sexual, I want it to just be organic, I don't want it to be planned, nor do I want to feel obligated .... Which leads me to my question. Am I leading dude on by going out with him, letting him spend his money on me (I have offered to pay, tried to pay, he won't let me) knowing that I'm not looking for anything serious and am only "maybe" open to something casual, or a friendship? I do like him but my life is a little messy in the relationship department right now and I don't want to hurt anyone, nor do I want to commit myself to anyone when I'm not ready. I mean, we've gone out of a few times ... I feel like he's going to expect sex or something eventually. Not really sure what to do. Of course you are leading him on. Going on dates, getting his $$$ for free dinner & entertainment, not being perfectly/crystal clear on he is not going to be your bf. Why are you talking about "friendship" ... as if your girlfriends pay your bill when you go out. Of course he is going to expect something eventually. If you act like you are dating... well, you are dating! But you can't get yourself to be honest with him 100% because you just like the free stuff. Selfish! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author meta.morphate Posted May 26, 2017 Author Share Posted May 26, 2017 Thanks for your responses guys. I think I do need to be straight with him and let him make his decision from there. I would want someone to do the same for me. ""letting him spend his money on me" LOL, you're "allowing" him to spend money on you? He should be honored? Yeah, let this guy know you're seeing a bad boy on the side and hopefully this guy drops you." Oh, one of those bitter Internet people ... but you misinterpret. By "allowing" him to spend his money on me, I don't mean "BOW DOWN PEASANT, YOU SHOULD BE HONORED", I mean I have tried before to pay for my own drinks and he has not wanted that to be the situation, but I believe it is because he thinks things are going to be more serious than they are right now, and by letting that continue (IE - NOT TELLING HIM NO AND FOLLOWING THROUGH BY PAYING FOR MY OWN DRINKS OR NOT GOING OUT WITH HIM) I feel like I may be leading him on ... hence why I asked the whole question. Maybe he'll drop me, maybe he won't, that's not my concern, my concern is that I don't want to hurt him or complicate the situation further. I'll let you know how it goes though! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author meta.morphate Posted May 26, 2017 Author Share Posted May 26, 2017 Of course you are leading him on. Going on dates, getting his $$$ for free dinner & entertainment, not being perfectly/crystal clear on he is not going to be your bf. Why are you talking about "friendship" ... as if your girlfriends pay your bill when you go out. Of course he is going to expect something eventually. If you act like you are dating... well, you are dating! But you can't get yourself to be honest with him 100% because you just like the free stuff. Selfish! I appreciate your honestly and straight forward answer. That's why I asked, because when I ask my girlfriends, I get conflicting answers, lots of "girl-power, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do" type of answers but that's not helping. I have not dated in a long time, I've had two long-term relationships since I've been "a grown up" so I'm not great with the whole thing. You're right that I have not been able to be fully forthcoming with him, but it's not because I like the free stuff. That's the part that makes me uncomfortable. Since I have not dated like this really at all before, I'm not sure what's a big deal or what's not. I don't even know if I should continue hanging out with him, in situations that don't require anyone to pay for anything, or if I should hang out with him in a group, or whatever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 There's a guy I've been talking to (texting, gone out about three times over a few MONTHS) who I know from work (we don't work closely with each other, just in the same building) and I've had fun with him when we have gone out, he's very attractive, and seems to have himself together. He keeps trying to go out for drinks with me after work and whatnot, but to be honest, my interest, attention, and time are primarily with someone else (not my boyfriend, just a guy I spend time with, he's not GOOD for me and we're never going to be OFFICIAL but it is what it is for right now). I like this dude from work and want to be friends, I could picture bringing him around my friends/family, but for right now, I'm not looking to get into a romantic relationship. I'm open to being sexual with him, but only casually, because I'm not ready to break things off with the other one. And if our relationship does become sexual, I want it to just be organic, I don't want it to be planned, nor do I want to feel obligated .... Which leads me to my question. Am I leading dude on by going out with him, letting him spend his money on me (I have offered to pay, tried to pay, he won't let me) knowing that I'm not looking for anything serious and am only "maybe" open to something casual, or a friendship? I do like him but my life is a little messy in the relationship department right now and I don't want to hurt anyone, nor do I want to commit myself to anyone when I'm not ready. I mean, we've gone out of a few times ... I feel like he's going to expect sex or something eventually. Not really sure what to do. I think it's fine to just carry on like you are until he asks you to be exclusive so long as ... you are attracted to him and giving him something. I'm serious. I think most guys would be OK with taking a woman out and spending some $ on her, so long as she was attracted to him and they were getting at least some makeout action. They could deal with the exclusive part later. He might not even want that. OTOH, if you weren't attracted to him and were letting him take you out ... different story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted May 27, 2017 Share Posted May 27, 2017 You know, from what you've said, you do like this guy (and he sounds a great guy) but aren't as sexually interested in him as the guy who is not good for you. Imagine for a moment that the great guy suddenly decided you were not the one for him. How would you feel? It is easy to take someone for granted because they are interested. Think about this a bit. It would not be a good idea to tell him you are interested in someone else and then find that actually you really liked this guy more than you realised. It might be too late by then. Guys don't forget that you are seriously considering a competitor. Like women, they want to be the one and only. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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