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Is he a slut? Are they all?


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HELP!!

I have been dating a great guy for 1yr. Met the family everything. So he makes plans to go to his home town in Cali at a time he knows I can't go. He then calls me and informs me that he is going and says "you can go if you want to I just can't afford to pay your way." To me this just means he planned a trip and doesn't really want me to go. The why is what has been driving me crazy.

 

So, I came up with a plan to see if he really wanted me to go. When I (lied) and told him I could probably go and had money for a ticket he seemed surprised and a little negative. 1st he asked if I could get off work. He then went on to talk about how expensive food etc. was and he couldn't afford to help me. Not the " oh how fun, I am so happy, etc." sort of reaction I was hoping for. I was testing him though but I was very upset and talked to him about it. He said he would love for me to go and didn't mean to seem that way. I still can't go though.

 

So now I saw (spied) in his e-mail that he send the guy friend he will be staying with with his flight and said "bring on the bitches." Now I know it is wrong to spy, and so I can't bring this up. But is he just joking around, guy talk, or is he a slut? How will I ever know since he will be miles away?

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Your boyfriend's reaction to your suggestion that you join him on his trip sounds like the excuses i give to my husband when he suggests he accompanies me when i go away. I may be condemned for admitting it but i am married and having an affair without my husband's knowledge. When i'm with my lover i tell my husband i am with a friend, and be it for one night or an entire weekend, whenever my husband suggests he accompanies me i give similar excuses.

 

Why? - it's obvious - i don't want him there because i'm up to no good.

 

I'm not sugesting your boyfriend is having an affair, but from someone (myself) who knowingly uses similar excuses NOT to be accompanied on a trip, it doesn't sound positive.

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Not necessarily- maybe he wants to hang with his boys??

 

Once a year or so I like to get away with some of my girlfriends who live all over the US. I wouldn't want my SO or Husband to go either- it's girltime!

 

Could be he wants to hang with the guys! And the comment is a typical comment one guy would make to another- inappropriate- but they say things like this!

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blind_otter

Why didn't you just say "hon, do you not want me to go, because that's totally cool. just be honest with me" - that would probably have cleared things up quicker than snooping and emotional manipulation.

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'Bring on the Bitches'

 

Excuse me? No I dont think so. I think thats so messed up! From what you have posted it does sound as if he didn't want you to go. Instead of coming up with ways to help you go all he is coming up with is ways to remind you of how you cannot go.

 

It sounds as if hes going to stay with his boys, in his home town, and he wants to go live the single life for a couple days.

 

I would definitely talk to him about this. Its sucks you spied but I would admit that i spied and ask him what he meant about bring on the bitches and tell him that your not dumb and that wtf is going on?

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I would bring up the e-mail but I am pretty sure that if something is going on he's not going to say "honey you're right...I planned on getting laid. But now that youv''e found out I won't cheat" Not going to happen, he is going to get angry for spying and lie about cheating if he really planned on it.

 

I did ask him why he didn't want me to go, that I was ok if he didn't just why? He kept saying he did, he is still saying he does. I go on girl trips too but he knows he's not invited. It's strictly girls.

 

Basically, I have to go on assumptions and I can't do much with that. I don't want to dump him because I suspect he is lying. Everything else is going great. I am afraid though that I am a fool (AGAIN) for trusting this guy, and I can't do anything about it!!!

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Well when im in doubt ( which is a lot of the time lol ) you can't do anything else but follow your instincts. That girly gut feeling thats telling you something it wrong.

 

Do you know the guy he is staying with? Can you trust them together? Do you know anyone else from his home town?

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scarlyjones

You know,.....you dont always have to go everywhere with him. We like our girls night out too dont we? Geez,..let the guy have his boys weekend or whatever. And yes,....you should be ashamed of spying on his e-mail. Thats no different than if you opened his actual hand-delivered mail. Which is a crime, by the way. But anyway,....if you dont trust him,....then THATS the issue. Too many times people think its the SITUATION they dont trust. When in fact,...you'd do the same sneaky things to check up on him the very NEXT trip he went on. And if you dont have any REASON based on past events to not trust him,....and still dont trust him right now,...well then you just arent a very trusting person. Insecurities,....we all have em' !

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Insecurities,....we all have em' !

 

Yes we all have them. But I mean c'mon a girls night out ok.a guys night ok I can understand. But thats just one night out. But hes going to his home town far away and he's writing e-mails saying bring on the bitches? A guy in a relationship doesn't say that!

 

As for the spying yeah it sucks ya spied but then again that does go back to trust and if you don't trust him you have to sit down and think to yourself why you dont? And will you ever trust him?

If the answer is no then you have a lot to think about.

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scarlyjones

Oh and one more thing,........................that little "game" you played to get more info out of him by "pretending" to be able to go with him,......THAT WAS DECEITFUL. You're using lies to find out stuff about him. Duh........

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scarlyjones

Uh,...........yes guys do. In relationships,...out of relationships.........they all do. Its about being around the "pack". When your around the guys you say stuff like that. Or else you hear the "pussywhipped" whhhhiiiiit ticsssh!!! sound. Its all about being manly. Unless you know hes cheating,....then you cant TREAT him like hes cheating. Innocent before proven guilty???? Hello??? Turn it around on YOU for a second. You'd feel the same way. Especially if you really werent doing anything wrong. And what exactly is wrong with going on a trip with your buddies???? My brother has been married for 4 years. And for the last 10 years,.....hes gone on an annual trip with his friends to a different location everytime that they call (what a coincidence) "Boys Weekend 2000 (or whatever year it happens to be). Marriage didnt put a stop to that. And it shouldnt have. You need to stop thinking that women need to CONTROL men once in a relationship or marriage. A trip means nothing except he needs time for male bonding. Geez.

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Ok first of all Geez relax! I never said it was wrong for guys to go on trips with other guys. My bf does it all the time. I'm all for it. Sometimes you need to bond with your friends and you need time away from your other.

 

The only thing Im saying is that from what she has posted it really sounds like he doesn't want her to go and then the e-mail. I mean you don't have to be a rocket scientist to put two and two together?

 

You need to stop thinking that women need to CONTROL men once in a relationship or marriage. A trip means nothing except he needs time for male bonding. Geez.

 

Who said any of that? What post are you reading?

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I know I shouldn't have spied. I can't explain that. It was just stupid and I was nosy. I always have been. It was at that point when I saw his e-mail that I realized that this trip may be more than a homecoming. That was when I tested him (yes with lies) to see if he would be happy that I was able to go.

 

I did trust him before. I still trust him pretty much, except this "bring on the bitches" thing has me worried and his flat reaction. I don't want to go on every trip with him. I just want to know he is not planning trips so he can get laid.

 

And I know guys need to have their time. He never said that though. If he had said, "hey I just want to go and hang out with the guys, etc." that would be a different post. He said, "you can come if you want to", which seems to be code for: please don't go!

 

And no, I don't know the guy he is staying with, or anyone from his hometown. His family lives somewhere else now. Just his friends and ex's and I guess some bitches I don't know.

 

I know I am crazy, but not too crazy right?

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Well, if I'm not crazy then what can I do?

-Dump the guy b/c he e-mailed bring on the bitches.

-I know if I bring this up it will be just stupid and get me back to here.

-Wait until he gets back and see if my girly instincts kick in?

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FolderWife

Call MTV, and ask them to go with your boyfriend on "One Bad Trip" Get his parents to go with you, and dress up and spy on him while he's out of town :D

 

There's no true way of knowing. *sigh* Men do things when they're home too. If you aren't willing to dump him over your suspicions, then try your best to forget about it. Thinking the worst will make you miserable, and it's probably nothing...there may be girls that his buddies hang out with, but that doesn't men he's going to screw with one of them.

 

Is this the ONLY thing in your relationship that makes you feel insecure? If he doesn't want you to go, it may not be so he can hang with girls, it may be so he can have free time with his old friends. I go to my mom and dad's one weekend at least every three months. While I'm there, I hang out with my old friends and family. My husband would be bored out of his mind if he joined me. I might not visit my friends out of curtiousy to him if he tagged along :( It's better for everyone if he just stays home...plus I get a chance to miss him :)

 

Give your guy a chance to be homesick. If he goes out there and finds better poo tang, then he'll dump you, and you'll be better off. Or he'll cheat on you, and you'll find out eventually. Most likely, he'll get out there hanging with his buds, but at the end of the day when he crawls into that empty bed, it'll be you he's thinking about.

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SueBee3490

Sorry but I'm in agreement that this isn't something a man in a 1 yr long relationship would say. I assume this guy friend in his hometown that he's writing this email to know that he's been dating you for a year. So if this friend does, your bf is not showing you any respect by making that comment. Yes men say things all the time. He could have said, "bring on the beer, bring on the party, or even bring on the strippers (granted that's all they are doing)!" But to make the comment he said, it almost sounds like he and this friend are planning something else! Has he ever given you reason before to suspect him of cheating? With his reluctance at wanting you to go, I'd keep my eyes and ears open. That's all you can do at this point.

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If it was an innocent boys trip that he knew you's be cool with then surely he'd say "Hey, i wanna hang with the boys"

 

("you can come if you want to", which seems to be code for: please don't go!)

 

One of my most commonly used lines - "You can come if you wanna", however, it's always followed with a "BUT"

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I agree all you can do at this point is sit and remember why you have been with him for a year. And remember to trust him. Yeah he's acting shady and the comment was pretty f*cked up but what can you do but just wait.

 

I would wait and see how much he calls you while hes up there and I would keep my ears and eyes open. Then see how he acts when he gets home and spy through his luggage for clues! :pOMG JKJKJKJKJK :rolleyes::laugh:

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scarlyjones

SHe READ it in an e-mail.................it could very well have been a JOKE. HUH? JOKE? MEN say them all the time. ESPECIALLY ABOUT WOMEN!!!!! We hear them all the time. We hear morning show radio guys we KNOW are married talking about getting laid or wishing they could or whatever..............its idle joking around. Look,...she spied on his email. Seems to me the RIGHT thing to do is fess up to it. That way shes being honest with him about looking at his email,.. AND she can bring up what she saw while spying. That way, she doesnt have it EATING away at her.

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FolderWife
Originally posted by la]ti[da

I know I shouldn't have spied. I can't explain that. It was just stupid and I was nosy.

 

When you're afraid of being hurt, you'll try to protect yourself. There's nothing wrong with that. We've all snooped at one point or another. Your gut sent you in that direction, and you went for it.

I always have been. It was at that point when I saw his e-mail that I realized that this trip may be more than a homecoming. That was when I tested him (yes with lies) to see if he would be happy that I was able to go.

 

That, to me, just sounds like some guy talk. I talk to my girls like that when my husband isn't around. It's not that I don't adore my husband, it's that...everyone looks! Everyone says things. He's young...

 

Let me put it to you like this: Where I used to live, I got a rep for being a quiet shy good girl. I married and moved away, and now in this new place, the real me comes alive. People at my home town judged me to be what they thought I was, based on my family, and the way I acted in GRADE SCHOOL. People grow up...but not if you live in a small town. I had to leave to be myself!! So here, I am one way, but back home, I try to be myself, but I fall back into being the old me :( At work, I am one way, with my friends, I am another way, and with my husband, I'm another way...I'm basically the same, but I don't talk to the people at work the way I talk to my husband! He's talking to his old buddies like he used to...he's probably not the same person he used to be, and part of the alure of "going home" is reminising about how things USED to be...maybe they used to say, "Bring on the Bitches!" when they hung out :o

 

I did trust him before. I still trust him pretty much, except this "bring on the bitches" thing has me worried and his flat reaction. I don't want to go on every trip with him. I just want to know he is not planning trips so he can get laid.

 

I seriously doubt he's going home to hook up. He's going to go home to hang out with his old crowd! If you trusted him before you saw bring on the bitches, then you should trust him now. My friend and I used to say, "Hard times!" whenever we'd talk to each other. It made no sense, and was silly, but it was our 'thing'. Maybe "Bring on the Bitches!" is their 'thing'

 

And I know guys need to have their time. He never said that though. If he had said, "hey I just want to go and hang out with the guys, etc." that would be a different post.

 

Men never directly tell you what they want.

 

He said, "you can come if you want to", which seems to be code for: please don't go!

 

Well...deep down he may not want you to go...but he loves you, so he's going to offer. If he had his choice, he'd have you NOT go, so he won't be tied down entertaining you, instead of being his old self. But he loves you, so if you really want to go, he's letting you know that it's ok :)

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scarlyjones

If he cheats on you,.....then GOOD! Now you know atleast, that hes a cheating bastard then. Better then,........then in the future when your married or have kids or whatever. I look at cheating as doing me a favor. Hes telling me "Look,..heres PROOF im a dog you should dump" Its better to catch a cheater and dump him or her than it is to NOT catch one who IS cheating or WISHING they were.

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FolderWife
Originally posted by scarlyjones

If he cheats on you,.....then GOOD!

 

Grrrrrr :mad: you take that back!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:lmao:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously though...he's excited about going home! He's excited to see his old friends! His buddy probably emailed something to the tune of, "It's going to be so much fun when you get here!" <--only more manly. And your guy replied, "Hell yeah! Bring on the Bitches!" as a joke. Then his buddy said, "lol"

 

It's feasable!

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blind_otter

You should ask. I have running jokes with my friends (we do this thing sometimes where we say "in my bed" after random phrases....."That old guy with the hairy back is so gross....in my bed" - that kinda thing)

 

Just tell him you read his email and ask him what the frikkin deal is. Emotional honesty and clear communication can be difficult but necessary.

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