Friend-zoned at the 11th hour??

[Mkn1010]

I find myself in a strange situation, connected with a guy via online dating about a month ago while he was in my state (he comes down here about once a month for work and to see family, originally from here), but he resides in a neighboring state for work atm.

 

So, we have been chatting over the phone and messaging for the last month, with the intention of meeting face-to-face for the first time next week. I would never normally entertain such a dynamic as I'm well aware of the pitfalls in communicating with someone so much that you haven't met IRL, however our first ever phone chat lasted 5 hours and we agreed that this would be the start of a lasting friendship no matter what the outcome of the romance side turned out to be. However, he reiterated that a long term relationship is what he'd like to find at this point (we're both 30 by the way).

 

Everything was really positive with our communication but I noticed that he told me A LOT of personal information about himself and was becoming very attached, thinking of me as someone he could confide in. While I was a little concerned, I just kept on being supportive and listening etc He was also always mentioning the upcoming meet, how excited he is and planning ahead for it.

 

However, just this past weekend (one week out from out IRL date), he got super personal with revealing information about his last relationship and also about some family stuff that was on his mind (he was a bit drunk wile doing so). The NEXT DAY he says he doesn't want us to put pressure on this meet-up and he sees me as someone that he wants to remain in his life no matter what moving forward and so he thinks we should just go into it as friends. Now, I know that he finds me attractive as he continuously said so and prior to that weekend, he'd always say that he found me so gorgeous and sexy.. in photo format of course lol.

 

Anyway, I didn't really know how to take it, so I just said rolled with it, but then I noticed him hiding his emotions and only choosing to text me as opposed to calling me after that night. Things became worse as he kept reiterating comments like "strictly platonic" etc and even put it on me to organize a restaurant for us to meet at. I started to get frustrated with him and said I didn't care where we met and he was like "I'm trying to be organized, it has nothing to do with you".

 

So as you can see, the communication was deteriorating fast. I ended up feeling so cr*p about it and like it was becoming fake, that I said "can we just quit the texting for the next week and check back in on the morning you arrive to organize our night" and all he responded with was "sure" and I said "speak to you then" (with a smile emoji). No further response from him.

 

So my question is, why on earth has this guy decided to friend-zone me a week out from our meetup when he spent a month leading up to it romancing me and opening up to an extreme level?

 

I don't think he found someone else because he started almost acting petulant with me and that speaks of him having some kind of issue with me or personal insecurity (whereas if it was the case that he just met someone else, he would have been more neutral and also not keep heavily texting me).

[kendahke]

He may be embarrassed and feels a bit too exposed from telling you all these things without having laid eyes on you. He may have felt reproached when you snapped at him, so he may be feeling a bit awkward for exposing his vulnerabilities to, basically, a stranger, so he did as you asked.

 

Since you've made it your policy to observe and go along, keep doing that. See what happens when you two meet face to face.

[Mkn1010]

He may be embarrassed and feels a bit too exposed from telling you all these things without having laid eyes on you. He may have felt reproached when you snapped at him, so he may be feeling a bit awkward for exposing his vulnerabilities to, basically, a stranger, so he did as you asked.

 

Since you've made it your policy to observe and go along, keep doing that. See what happens when you two meet face to face.

 

 

 

 

Would it be weird of me to make contact seeings that I asked that we drop the texting until the morning he arrives (being Tuesday)?

 

 

And is it up to me to initiate contact given I said that?

[preraph]

He probably doesn't have the confidence to actually date in real life or something.

[viatori patuit]

Would it be weird of me to make contact seeings that I asked that we drop the texting until the morning he arrives (being Tuesday)?

 

 

And is it up to me to initiate contact given I said that?

 

Well, if he likes you he would appreciate that.

 

If he has written you off as a friend then there is nothing you can do anyway. I would see what happened.

[Imajerk17]

I find myself in a strange situation, connected with a guy via online dating about a month ago while he was in my state (he comes down here about once a month for work and to see family, originally from here), but he resides in a neighboring state for work atm.

 

So, we have been chatting over the phone and messaging for the last month, with the intention of meeting face-to-face for the first time next week. I would never normally entertain such a dynamic as I'm well aware of the pitfalls in communicating with someone so much that you haven't met IRL, however our first ever phone chat lasted 5 hours and we agreed that this would be the start of a lasting friendship no matter what the outcome of the romance side turned out to be. However, he reiterated that a long term relationship is what he'd like to find at this point (we're both 30 by the way).

 

Everything was really positive with our communication but I noticed that he told me A LOT of personal information about himself and was becoming very attached, thinking of me as someone he could confide in. While I was a little concerned, I just kept on being supportive and listening etc He was also always mentioning the upcoming meet, how excited he is and planning ahead for it.

 

However, just this past weekend (one week out from out IRL date), he got super personal with revealing information about his last relationship and also about some family stuff that was on his mind (he was a bit drunk wile doing so). The NEXT DAY he says he doesn't want us to put pressure on this meet-up and he sees me as someone that he wants to remain in his life no matter what moving forward and so he thinks we should just go into it as friends. Now, I know that he finds me attractive as he continuously said so and prior to that weekend, he'd always say that he found me so gorgeous and sexy.. in photo format of course lol.

 

Anyway, I didn't really know how to take it, so I just said rolled with it, but then I noticed him hiding his emotions and only choosing to text me as opposed to calling me after that night. Things became worse as he kept reiterating comments like "strictly platonic" etc and even put it on me to organize a restaurant for us to meet at. I started to get frustrated with him and said I didn't care where we met and he was like "I'm trying to be organized, it has nothing to do with you".

 

So as you can see, the communication was deteriorating fast. I ended up feeling so cr*p about it and like it was becoming fake, that I said "can we just quit the texting for the next week and check back in on the morning you arrive to organize our night" and all he responded with was "sure" and I said "speak to you then" (with a smile emoji). No further response from him.

 

So my question is, why on earth has this guy decided to friend-zone me a week out from our meetup when he spent a month leading up to it romancing me and opening up to an extreme level?

 

I don't think he found someone else because he started almost acting petulant with me and that speaks of him having some kind of issue with me or personal insecurity (whereas if it was the case that he just met someone else, he would have been more neutral and also not keep heavily texting me).

 

Well OP, I know you are well aware of reading situations on here where someone comes on really strong and then fades soon after. Those stories are EXTREMELY common. Basically the person coming on so strong ends up psyching himself out, leaving the other person confused and upset (and rightfully so). It looks like something similar happened here.

 

I do feel the need to comment on something else though. You both put commitment before compatibility, and that is doing things out of sequence. I mean, you can decide whether or not someone is worthy of long-term friendship with you until AFTER you have gotten to know them for a while, but not before that. Meanwhile, the way he keeps jumping around, this guy hardly sounds worthy of getting your friendship.

Edited May 25, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Mkn1010]

Thank you, I agree with all the advice, especially your points Imajerk!

The thing I'm presently struggling with is whether to reach out before Tuesday (even though I was the one to ask that we cease texting until then), to check in? Because I'm not sure if he's going to not rock up at all if I don't reach out of whether people expect to keep talking right up until the day of meeting in order to build excitement??

[kendahke]

Would it be weird of me to make contact seeings that I asked that we drop the texting until the morning he arrives (being Tuesday)?

 

 

And is it up to me to initiate contact given I said that?

 

If for no other reason to confirm that he's actually coming, yes I think you should reach out first.

 

You might want to tell him that you felt a little overwhelmed by the amount of intimate information he was sharing with you already without having yet met and that you needed a few days to get a perspective on things to where you're comfortable reaching out and communicating with him.

[mightycpa]

If he's getting flaky on you like this, it begs the question of why would you want this guy in your life?

 

It must be bad communication day or something.

[Mkn1010]

Hey guys,

 

 

Thanks for the suggestions. I did end up trying to give him a call after work (at around 5:30pm here) and he didn't pick up or phone back. It's now the next morning 9:00am and haven't heard anything. I know that's not a long time and he could have had plans last night being a Friday night here, however I'm kind of starting to agree with the above poster as to this guy not even deserving my friendship at this point.

 

 

If he does reach out before our scheduled date (which is now 3 days away and he's apparently flying down for it), I thought about saying something to him like: "Your words say that you consider me an ongoing friend, but your actions say otherwise. I told you once that I won't keep coming back to you in these communication breakdowns, so if/when there's a time that you feel ready to restore the authenticity we initially shared in our contact, then give me a call. I otherwise having nothing to say."

[jjgitties]

Hmm. This does not bode well. A little odd that someone would get that much revealing personal past with someone he never met IRL. A little off he keeps saying he is attracted to someone he has not see IRL. A little odd you two started an argument before you even met on a date.

[kendahke]

 

If he does reach out before our scheduled date (which is now 3 days away and he's apparently flying down for it), I thought about saying something to him like: "Your words say that you consider me an ongoing friend, but your actions say otherwise. I told you once"

 

No don't do that. No "you" statements. Your statements have to begin with "I" and how you feel.

 

You've turned into his accusatory mother when you say "I told you" anything; and that will put him totally on the defensive, as it would anyone hearing those words coming out of the mouth of anyone other than their parent--and even their parent, to be honest.

 

Just keep that to yourself. When he calls, tell him you're more comfortable with how things are progressing if you both keep in better contact with one another. If he doesn't call, then just block him and keep it moving.

[Mkn1010]

OK guys, I just wanted to update and say that something very unexpected happened..... we talked, we then met up for the first time and it was so so so good, like unbelievably good.... despite my better judgement, friend zone went out the window!!

 

I do still think we don't communicate all that well (based on the above misunderstandings) and the whole sitch has red flags waving around but the night was so good nonetheless and I'm glad to have experienced it whatever happens

 

Just a note to people here, sometimes just going with something and LIVING can lead to very meaningful/enjoyable experience with no attachment to the outcome! Just a couple of people connecting in a powerful way like us humans all want and need to! And to hell with the longevity of it, I'll cross that bridge when I need to.

And to think I nearly killed this with overthinking and suspicions, which would suck the life out of anything.