Wworldchild Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 I have been with my partner for almost two years. Things are pretty serious, as we moved together to another country and are expecting a baby now. I trust him and things are going well, except the recurring subject of his ex. Their brief history: She is the relationship he had before me. He had broken up with her for 6 months when we met, after 2,5 years of being together. He was still suffering because of it, because she dumped him and he wasn't expecting it. Seeing that he was mentioning her bitterly, I asked him if he has any unresolved feelings for her and he said no. As our relationship progressed, this girl kept coming up. They were keeping in touch often on Facebook and he always had good words about her. He explained that she is still a part of his life and that he will always care about her. He insisted they are friends now and nothing is wrong about it. See, normally I would agree. I have a couple of exes I still keep in touch with, one of them being a very close friend currently. I would never keep my bf from talking to her or seeing her. But: - He kept our relationship from her for 1,5 years. He first told her about me when we found out I'm pregnant. He says that he didn't want her to suffer, even though she was the one who ended their relationship. One of the consequences was that she kissed him goodbye on the lips before he moved abroad. Poor girl didn't know. - Even after telling her about us, he never introduced me to her (he had two months to do that, and he said that he didn't have the chance). Meanwhile, I introduced him to the ex I remained friends with and they are actually getting along really well. In a fight we had, he said that he didn't invite me to their meetings because "I would distract them from their conversation" and "it's not my business to be there". He says it was angry talk, but it still hurts me. I know that they are platonic now and I know they will never be together again, but I feel that their friendship is handled weirdly and it makes me uncomfortable. His ex became a super delicate subject and we fight quite bad about it. He thinks he has done nothing wrong, therefore my broken feelings are absurd and not worth taken into consideration. What do you think? Should he handle this differently? Should I chill out and just be ok with how things are? Am I crazy or not? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 So she dumped him, so he probably wants her back or at least wants back long enough to make her the dumpee. He put off telling her about you because he left the door open for her to come back. He isn't having her meet you for the same reason. I wouldn't trust him. If she decides to yank his chain, even, he will yank back. He wants to be alone with her. If she was really just a friend, he'd want you to know her and her you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wworldchild Posted May 25, 2017 Author Share Posted May 25, 2017 It's definitely one of the scenarios I took into consideration, but the fact is he is with me, he shows love and we do have a future together. The ex problem is a disaster, though. It could've been so simple and nice if he would've handled it differently. He also says that he worries I might be rude to her if we meet and that he wants us to meet eventually, but only once I am more chill about it. Plus, he rarely contacts her: only birthday, holidays or visiting the country. She, on the other hand, regularly writes to him, sometimes once a month, other times twice a week. She doesn't have a boyfriend, so I asked if she is having problems letting go. He answered "I don't know". At this point, I just want to feel like I have priority over her. I have decided to stop acknowledging her existence. I am waiting for him to suggest meeting her or her meeting the baby so I can say "no fking way". Just to feel like I have a say in this for once. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 (edited) No, you have a future with her in it. What are his feelings about you being pregnant? I'd be offended that his only reason for telling her about you is because he didn't want someone else to tell her that you are pregnant with his child. If you weren't pregnant, she wouldn't know about you. He did that to guard her feelings, which is making her feelings a priority over yours. Given that he feels this way about his ex and you trying to make your feelings a priority to him and he's not seeing it the same way, understand that a baby isn't glue to keep a bad relationship from falling apart. Listen to what he's saying: he is protecting her feelings while at the same time, stomping on yours. She dumped him, so what reason could be possibly have to say that he's afraid of what you'll say to her? It's that he's not over her yet and he's keeping that door open to her and he doesn't want you slamming and nailing it shut for him. I'd be about the business of setting my mind to being a single mother and raising that baby on my own because he's basically telling you what your place is by how he's not refusing to put his ex in the past. No, you should meet her if for no other reason to quit giving her all this power over you. It's enough that you brought this to strangers. Edited May 25, 2017 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
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