4th date update/vent, drug confession and ghosted

[newheart]

Well, I've had quite a turn of events related to my getting back on the dating scene ... Date #4 was Friday, date was texting/calling all week long - he was consistently initiating contact. Thursday, he called me twice, texted in between and after, asked me out to dinner for next Tuesday (after our Friday date), confirmed time and place and said how he was happy now that he wouldn't have to wait a full week to see me. He talked about getting out of work earlier on a particular week night so he could join me on a trail walk I often do. While I met this guy OLD, in the first conversation I found out that I know his sister, his nieces and nephew attend the same school as my children (some have been to my house), and he works with my BFF's husband - lots of connections. He is very involved with his family. He is (has been) super chivalrous, very much a gentleman on each and every date, very publicly affectionate also. He is (was, lol) very communicative, which was refreshing.

 

Friday - date night. We go to a local state park for a walk, watch the sunset, have dinner, go somewhere else for drinks, then to his place. We did not have sex, but there was a lot of fooling around. Then, we were talking laying in his bed, and he randomly says something about how he did a lot of cocaine in his past. In hindsight I am not shocked, I guess, because he seems to be more of a partier than I am, but at the time I was stunned.

More than anything I was pretty taken aback with how nonchalantly he says this. It is clear I am not happy with his revelation. We talked about when, how long, when was the last time, etc. He said he did it with people he hung out with but never sought it out to purchase it himself, never affected his job or his family or his financial situation. He mentioned that if nothing else, he was honest. He no longer hangs with the same crowd, doesn't do it anymore, etc. However, he tells me "Hey, remember at *place* (on our second date) I introduced you to the restaurant manager so and so?" and proceeds to tell me what a big cokehead he is and that he did a lot of drugs with him. I am kind of appalled. I continue to ask questions and he answers them honestly, but I am just internally so disappointed. I even asked if his sister knows (he says she does not). Then, he tells me "you don't know how terrible the seedy underworld of this lifestyle was," I say to him I kind of know - I had two parents who chose to do cocaine over feed us kids. (True story) Anyway ... he knew I wasn't happy with this, but he didn't seem overly concerned either. It was all so bizarre.

 

Eventually, we changed the subject (briefly - I didn't want to leave on that note). He suggested I stay because it was so late, but I just wanted to get home. He walks me to my car, tells me to text him when I get home, blah blah blah.

 

Saturday afternoon, I am talking to my friend about his confessions and past, and she is perhaps a little more forgiving about people's "pasts", and I get that people make mistakes or have a history, and some people change. But I have a family history with drugs and this is pretty much a deal breaker for me. I am afraid it will resurface, plus it wasn't that long ago to me (4 years!). In talking, she suggested I keep our dinner date Tuesday, talk more and see how I feel about his past. While sitting there, since I felt things ended weirdly I sent him a text just saying that I hope he is enjoying his day off. He immediately calls me, so I answer and he seems really happy to talk to me, asks what I am doing, and asks what I am doing later. I tell him that I am at a friends right now, but leaving shortly and asked if I could call him on my way home. He says yes, call him back, he is just doing x y z around the house.

 

I end up staying at her place another hour and twenty minutes, get in the car to go home and call him and he is on the other line. (Verizon cell phone, does that weird beep thing that lets you know) I just hang up without leaving a voicemail, so I send a text saying heading home, call me if he is still home and wants to chat. Nothing. No reply, nothing since. In four weeks, the man hasn't let 15 minutes go in replying to my texts and has not let a day go by without good morning, good night, etc. and multiple texts in between (quite excessive, actually ... maybe that should have been a red flag, but I was enjoying the attention).

 

So, it is clear I was ghosted (apparently despite our conversation on one date about how we hate that people do this nowadays). And the crazy thing is, I know it is what was best for me. But I would be lying if I said it wasn't a huge blow to my ego that this guy who seemed so into me suddenly changed his mind ... and I can't separate whether or not it was something I did or that he didn't like about me, or related to the drug conversation. But then, why did he call? If he wanted to ghost, why didn't he just do so from that text? (I know the answer is meaningless, these are rhetorical questions, it just sucks)

 

Anyway ... so glad to be back on the dating scene! (That was the most extreme form of sarcasm) Sigh. Ugh ... I think I am going to be single forever ...

[Tressugar]

How long ago did you reach out to him?

 

It's probably for the best. Things happen for a reason.

[mortensorchid]

I was just lamenting about something similar. I'm sorry this happened to you, but it's probably for the best. You may never know his real reasons for ghosting, but this is always going to linger between you and him had you stayed in it longer. Move on.

[kel224]

So the last date was Friday, I assume you two talked last on Saturday? You didn't say how long exactly it's been, but if it's only been a day or so I wouldn't say for sure yet that you were ghosted. It might be out of character for him to go more than a few mins without responding, but there could also be legitimate reasons why he hasn't yet.

 

If he did ghost, don't focus on the negative thoughts about why. It's not anything you did or anything wrong with you. It sounds like one possibility is that the drug thing caused him to withdraw. Did he get quiet or flustered after he mentioned his past? Perhaps he felt judged or worried that it turned you off.

 

"But I have a family history with drugs and this is pretty much a deal breaker for me. I am afraid it will resurface, plus it wasn't that long ago to me (4 years!)".

 

I'd imagine he picked up on this as well if it is a big deal for you. And honestly, can you be sure that he's not still using or integrated within drug circles? Seems like he might still hangout with that restaurant manager he used to sniff powder with. Doesn't mean he's still using, but it's easier to if you're still around the same people and have access.

 

Sometimes people ghost when they feel themselves becoming closer and more vulnerable to someone. Speaking from experience, I've ghosted (more like faded; I could never just ignore someone) women before after a handful of dates because I felt very insecure about myself in the context of a relationship. When I felt that we were getting closer, the thought of letting them into a space where they'd see my secrets and perceived flaws was too much and I didn't at that time have the communication skills (unfortunately, many people never learn them) to discuss ending the relationship. The point I hope to make is that ghosting is about the ghost and their issues. You've been on several dates, so you know that he found you attractive and liked you a good amount.

 

Again, give it some more time to see if he replies. And someone who also recently got back into dating and is having problems like this-I feel you and the struggle is real. Don't get discouraged if this one doesn't pan out the way you wanted.

[Sara1989]

You know i think he still uses and brought drugs up to see your reaction. From your reaction that most likely caused him to ghost you.

[newheart]

You know i think he still uses and brought drugs up to see your reaction. From your reaction that most likely caused him to ghost you.

 

I've wondered this myself ... on our first full date, I thought he was acting a little jumpy, but I chalked it up to nerves. Now I am not so sure, but I could also be overthinking things.

 

I still don't get why he called me Saturday, then disappeared. Especially when he could have even just sent a text, our lifestyles are not compatible, or anything. While that is what my decision would have likely been as well, I at least would have told him.

[newheart]

So the last date was Friday, I assume you two talked last on Saturday? You didn't say how long exactly it's been, but if it's only been a day or so I wouldn't say for sure yet that you were ghosted. It might be out of character for him to go more than a few mins without responding, but there could also be legitimate reasons why he hasn't yet.

 

If he did ghost, don't focus on the negative thoughts about why. It's not anything you did or anything wrong with you. It sounds like one possibility is that the drug thing caused him to withdraw. Did he get quiet or flustered after he mentioned his past? Perhaps he felt judged or worried that it turned you off.

 

"But I have a family history with drugs and this is pretty much a deal breaker for me. I am afraid it will resurface, plus it wasn't that long ago to me (4 years!)".

 

I'd imagine he picked up on this as well if it is a big deal for you. And honestly, can you be sure that he's not still using or integrated within drug circles? Seems like he might still hangout with that restaurant manager he used to sniff powder with. Doesn't mean he's still using, but it's easier to if you're still around the same people and have access.

 

Sometimes people ghost when they feel themselves becoming closer and more vulnerable to someone. Speaking from experience, I've ghosted (more like faded; I could never just ignore someone) women before after a handful of dates because I felt very insecure about myself in the context of a relationship. When I felt that we were getting closer, the thought of letting them into a space where they'd see my secrets and perceived flaws was too much and I didn't at that time have the communication skills (unfortunately, many people never learn them) to discuss ending the relationship. The point I hope to make is that ghosting is about the ghost and their issues. You've been on several dates, so you know that he found you attractive and liked you a good amount.

 

Again, give it some more time to see if he replies. And someone who also recently got back into dating and is having problems like this-I feel you and the struggle is real. Don't get discouraged if this one doesn't pan out the way you wanted.

 

Thanks, Kel.

 

Yes - date on Friday, he called Saturday but then we never actually talked because when I called him back, he didn't answer. You are right in that it hasn't been a lot of time at all, however, it is very out of character for him. This is definitely intentional.

 

I am not confident that he is entirely out of those circles. The manager - yes, it was apparent by their conversation catching up they hadn't seen each other in a while and he actually knew him from working at a different location, but I just have a feeling that he could still be somehow involved in general. Or rather, that while he isn't actively using/seeking it, if it happened to be accessible, he might still use? It's nothing he said, it was just the vibe I got from what he didn't say (like the fact that he didn't have any regrets about this).

 

A friend of mine thinks I should shoot him a text to make sure he is okay, for closure? I don't know ... I have three kids, I don't need a fourth. I liked him and I am disappointed, but I don't have time to worry about people who don't make me a priority. It bothers me to not know why he disappeared, but I don't feel like I should be asking him why.

[divegrl]

I'm so sorry this happened. Big hugs for you today.

 

I always send one last text. Just to speak what's on my heart, and it helps bring me closure in these confusing dating situations. Don't expect a reply, but thank him for his time and energy. Wish him all the best in the world. It helps change my perspective from one of disappointment to gratitude.

 

I hope this helps. Take care!!!

[smackie9]

You only had what 4 dates? you owe him NOTHING, not a text, email, phone call...nothing.

 

Whatever his deal is, you can live without it. Never compromise your better judgement because you really are attracted to someone and feel somewhat invested. DO NOT REACH OUT to him. If he does contact you, just say your goodbyes, block/delete.

 

 

 

When people say they want to reach out one more time....that's because they are hoping things are going to change for the better and hope to continue seeing them....you are not fooling anyone here...you are too attached..you need to let go as quickly as possible.

Edited May 22, 2017 by smackie9

[salparadise]

A friend of mine thinks I should shoot him a text to make sure he is okay, for closure? I don't know ... I have three kids, I don't need a fourth. I liked him and I am disappointed, but I don't have time to worry about people who don't make me a priority. It bothers me to not know why he disappeared, but I don't feel like I should be asking him why.

 

It is weird, especially given his previously over-the-top frequency of communication. I'm with you on how perplexing it is when people just quit with no explanation or one that seems inadequate. But here's the thing... even if they give you a reason, the chances of them telling you the actual reason are rather small. They'll say something that sounds plausible on the surface, but my experience has been that it on closer examination it seems thin.

 

In this case, my guess is that it does have to do with drug culture. He told you about being a coke head as if it were no big deal, then pointed out that other person who was also. This is his reality, his normal. Your reaction belied that fact that you are not cool with that, and he probably needs someone who is aligned with the lifestyle. My guess is that he still "parties," still moves in those circles. This would be a major incompatibility. But I have no idea why he'd flip the switch while waiting on a call back. People are strange that way.

 

I think you should not contact him. You know enough already.

Edited May 22, 2017 by salparadise

[smackie9]

Next nice man you go out on a first date with....discuss drugs, or at least fish around for answers....obviously it's a dealbreaker and needs to be addressed immediately...or even talk about it through a few texts before accepting a date. Remember everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning.....

[newheart]

It is weird, especially given his previously over-the-top frequency of communication. I'm with you on how perplexing it is when people just quit with no explanation or one that seems inadequate. But here's the thing... even if they give you a reason, the chances of them telling you the actual reason are rather small. They'll say something that sounds plausible on the surface, but my experience has been that it on closer examination it seems thin.

 

In this case, my guess is that it does have to do with drug culture. He told you about being a coke head as if it were no big deal, then pointed out that other person who was also. This is his reality, his normal. Your reaction belied that fact that you are not cool with that, and he probably needs someone who is aligned with the lifestyle. My guess is that he still "parties," still moves in those circles. This would be a major incompatibility. But I have no idea why he'd flip the switch while waiting on a call back. People are strange that way.

 

I think you should not contact him. You know enough already.

 

This is true ... thanks, Sal. I would agree with you that he is probably still involved. Prior to learning about this, I had already told me friends that I was having fun casually dating him but I felt that it was very unlikely we'd mesh well for any LTR - he works overnights, maintains his overnight-type schedule on his off days and is frequently out on the town. Now maybe I know how/why, lol.

 

While it is annoying that I he didn't even say bye (particularly as I probably will see him at the kids graduation next month!) and his disappearance is still so bizarre to me, I will not be reaching out.

[newheart]

Next nice man you go out on a first date with....discuss drugs, or at least fish around for answers....obviously it's a dealbreaker and needs to be addressed immediately...or even talk about it through a few texts before accepting a date. Remember everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning.....

 

Yes, definitely! Although, I am not naive enough to realize that people lie too.

[smackie9]

The truth can be innocently extracted from them if you don't reveal that it's a dealbreaker. And yes do people lie for sure...that's the frustrating part. Such a minefield.

[coolheadal]

Thanks, Kel.

 

Yes - date on Friday, he called Saturday but then we never actually talked because when I called him back, he didn't answer. You are right in that it hasn't been a lot of time at all, however, it is very out of character for him. This is definitely intentional.

 

I am not confident that he is entirely out of those circles. The manager - yes, it was apparent by their conversation catching up they hadn't seen each other in a while and he actually knew him from working at a different location, but I just have a feeling that he could still be somehow involved in general. Or rather, that while he isn't actively using/seeking it, if it happened to be accessible, he might still use? It's nothing he said, it was just the vibe I got from what he didn't say (like the fact that he didn't have any regrets about this).

 

A friend of mine thinks I should shoot him a text to make sure he is okay, for closure? I don't know ... I have three kids, I don't need a fourth. I liked him and I am disappointed, but I don't have time to worry about people who don't make me a priority. It bothers me to not know why he disappeared, but I don't feel like I should be asking him why.

 

Substance abuse he was on and still on, they'll never quit that high they had.

See your not into that lifestyle with him. You trying to hard to be with a guy who doesn't seem to care about what you want. The phone doesn't get picked up of course he knows your calling might be doing something else.

 

Don't shoot over a text or call him let him think that your not so needy to contact him. Right now back off. Drugs was like his way of life back then and might be now. Just don't know.. You have fallen for him I can tell hin your long first post. It would be the hardest thing for you to break away and run into another mans arms who never did drugs in the first place.