Getting over GF's Sexual Past, ONS

[Wookin Pa Nub]

This is complicated to say the least. After 20 years, I have recently reunited with my college girlfriend. She was my first love and we were head over heels in love with each other. We both got in bad marriages and are separated.

 

 

In college we were young and hit a rocky period after 2 plus years. We had stopped having sex for a few months at her request. She wanted to wait until marriage. We were highly sexually active before that. Then I cheated but not full intercourse with someone she knew. She broke up with me. Shortly after that, she told me she slept with a guy. It was a stab in the heart. For years I would get mental images of her being with that guy. Also why would she stop having sex with me and jump right into bed after our breakup.

 

 

I would run into her at college and she would brag about partying, hanging out with guys, Spring break trip to Daytona, a trip to Colorado with a friend to hang out with some Olympic hopeful skiers. She eventually married and we went our separate ways.

 

 

We reconnected and rediscovered a deep love for each other. I guess I knew she was letting loose in college and might have had multiple partners before she got married. I guess I hoped for the best and that she only had sex with the guy right after me and then the guy she married.

 

 

Well, this weekend she brought the topic up of sexual past. She told me that in addition to the guy right after me and her husband she had two one night stands. She said she regretted them.

 

 

So my mind has been going crazy with mental images of her having these one night stands - were they the result of college parties, bars, the skier guy in Colorado, Spring Break, etc. I've had other girlfriends and their past never bothered me but for some reason this girl is so special to me it really has affected me.

 

 

I'm no saint and had multiple one nighters too. But do I just forget it and have it on my mind, we talk about each others past more, ask for specifics on her ONS?

[d0nnivain]

Do not ask for more specifics! You are already torturing yourself unnecessarily. Details make things worse, not better.

 

 

All you need to know is she is not a virgin; she has or has not done anything to potentially expose you to an STD & whether you enjoy sex with her.

 

 

All the rest is water under the bridge. It's in the past. Leave it there.

[doyathinkso]

Hmmmm. Double standards much?

 

You know, what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

[RecentChange]

Why would you want specifics? So your mind movies are that much more vivid?

 

Try to leave the past in the past.

 

So you finally told your wife you are asking for a divorce? How did that go?

[central]

How will having more details help? More details will most likely just fuel your imagination and help you torment yourself, which will not make letting this issues go any easier. As you said, you weren't celibate, so it shouldn't matter that she had other partners, too. Of course, if it were that easy to let it go, you wouldn't be posting about it!

 

 

Anyway, you can't change the past. At best you can regret it. Accept that neither of you were perfect - and still aren't. Anyone else you might meet would probably have an even more extensive sexual past, if they even tell you about it, so this may be as good as it gets. If she's worth keeping, you'll have to find a way to let it go. If she's really worth it, then go to therapy if you can't let go on your own.

[GunslingerRoland]

Wait, so these are almost 20 years ago?

 

Why does it bother you so much that she had 1 night stands, when she was married for many years?

 

If your morals are that strong that you can't date a woman who has had a one night stand, then so be it, but it really doesn't sound like the case.

 

Is it something deeper, the fact you resent that she withheld sex from you, yet gave it so freely to others?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Hmmmm. Double standards much?

 

You know, what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

 

I never said it wasn't. If she has issues with my past, I will help her.

 

 

I just love her so much and the thought of her being with someone else, especially soon after we broke up, makes me sick to my stomach.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Wait, so these are almost 20 years ago?

 

Why does it bother you so much that she had 1 night stands, when she was married for many years?

 

If your morals are that strong that you can't date a woman who has had a one night stand, then so be it, but it really doesn't sound like the case.

 

Is it something deeper, the fact you resent that she withheld sex from you, yet gave it so freely to others?

 

Yes, it was 20+ years ago and yes the fact that she cut off sex with me and then immediately had sex with another guy hurt me for many years. I would get mental images of her with him.

 

 

Oddly I don't hold resentment towards her ex husband. Just the guy right after me and the two ONS she had I assume in the year plus after me.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

How will having more details help? More details will most likely just fuel your imagination and help you torment yourself, which will not make letting this issues go any easier. As you said, you weren't celibate, so it shouldn't matter that she had other partners, too. Of course, if it were that easy to let it go, you wouldn't be posting about it!

 

 

Anyway, you can't change the past. At best you can regret it. Accept that neither of you were perfect - and still aren't. Anyone else you might meet would probably have an even more extensive sexual past, if they even tell you about it, so this may be as good as it gets. If she's worth keeping, you'll have to find a way to let it go. If she's really worth it, then go to therapy if you can't let go on your own.

 

 

Thanks - that is really good advice. I guess I have a lot of regret how things ended 20+ years ago and that she had to seek ONS to make her feel better as she just told me. She did say she regrets it.

[frigginlost]

You cheated on her 20+ years ago. That destroyed her self-esteem. She returned the favor by hooking up with a guy. You still have not healed from it.

 

It was years and years ago. You need to let it go and not ask for any details.

 

These days, chicks are jumping into the sack with the entire football team by noon the following day. Your girl seems to have a good head on her shoulders.

 

Let it goooooo...

[kendahke]

But do I just forget it

 

yes

 

and have it on my mind,

 

20 years have passed. She owes you no explanation of how she proceeded with her life. If you can't stop willfully torturing yourself, then you need to leave her and the past where it belongs--in the past.

 

we talk about each others past more,

 

Stop talking about your pasts. Unless either of you have STD's the other needs to know about, your pasts are not any of each other's business.

 

ask for specifics on her ONS?

 

Absolutely not.

 

So you finally told your wife you are asking for a divorce? How did that go?

 

and you have a wife? This just keeps getting better and better...

Edited May 15, 2017 by kendahke

[BaileyB]

Definitely a double standard...

 

But really, her past is her past. It's absolutely none of your business. And, five partners is not exactly unreasonable for a woman of her age.

 

In other words, you need to get over yourself already...

[Titanll]

You cheated on her 20+ years ago. That destroyed her self-esteem. She returned the favor by hooking up with a guy. You still have not healed from it.

 

It was years and years ago. You need to let it go and not ask for any details.

 

These days, chicks are jumping into the sack with the entire football team by noon the following day. Your girl seems to have a good head on her shoulders.

 

Let it goooooo...

 

Good lord, this!

 

This is like Sir Lancelot's wound....

[harrybrown]

what about your sexual history?

[mightycpa]

This is complicated to say the least. After 20 years, I have recently reunited with my college girlfriend. She was my first love and we were head over heels in love with each other. We both got in bad marriages and are separated.

 

 

In college we were young and hit a rocky period after 2 plus years. We had stopped having sex for a few months at her request. She wanted to wait until marriage. We were highly sexually active before that. Then I cheated but not full intercourse with someone she knew. She broke up with me. Shortly after that, she told me she slept with a guy. It was a stab in the heart. For years I would get mental images of her being with that guy. Also why would she stop having sex with me and jump right into bed after our breakup.

 

 

I would run into her at college and she would brag about partying, hanging out with guys, Spring break trip to Daytona, a trip to Colorado with a friend to hang out with some Olympic hopeful skiers. She eventually married and we went our separate ways.

 

 

We reconnected and rediscovered a deep love for each other. I guess I knew she was letting loose in college and might have had multiple partners before she got married. I guess I hoped for the best and that she only had sex with the guy right after me and then the guy she married.

 

 

Well, this weekend she brought the topic up of sexual past. She told me that in addition to the guy right after me and her husband she had two one night stands. She said she regretted them.

 

 

So my mind has been going crazy with mental images of her having these one night stands - were they the result of college parties, bars, the skier guy in Colorado, Spring Break, etc. I've had other girlfriends and their past never bothered me but for some reason this girl is so special to me it really has affected me.

 

 

I'm no saint and had multiple one nighters too. But do I just forget it and have it on my mind, we talk about each others past more, ask for specifics on her ONS?

Wow, sounds like you never got over her. The only cure for resenting two one night stands over a 20 year hiatus is to ask her for more and more details until you can't stand it any more and you finally get rid of her. Only then will you be free of your obsession.

[selinaluv]

So if it was 20+ years ago and you were in college, I would imagine you are both in your 40's.

 

To have issues with this is completely unrealistic, as she was going to have a life during the time you were not together.

 

I had a man pull this on me after we slept together, questioning me (in the sack right after sex mind you) how many men I "brought back to my bed". This was after a few dates and I gave it right back at him calling him out on his double standard and that he was right there with me.

 

It was a huge deal breaker and if I knew a man I dated judged me this way without knowing all the facts, he too would be gone. I would also question why his ego couldn't handle it.

[viatori patuit]

It is called retroactive jealousy. It is a condition like OCD and they generally treat it like that. I suffer from it too and it is a condition that is misunderstood by those who do not have it.

 

Trust me, I know it is a double standard and I know it is all BS. If I could simply stop and be rational about I would.

 

Some tips that help me deal with it:

 

1. When the trigger strikes (and they usually do out of the blue) I don't react or acknowledge them. I simply do something else. I force myself to not think about it. I focus on doing something helpful to others. No matter what I know from experience that indulging the obsession only leads to heartache and pain.

 

 

2. I made it very clear to my fiancé that I do not wish to know those things. There is nothing good that comes from that.

 

3. A deal breaker for me is contact with former partners. If a girl wishes to date me then they need to forego those partners. Their continued contact is disrespectful to me and our relationship. Of course I also maintain a no contact approach.

 

Over time the reactions lessen. I found I have to work at it less as I maintain the discipline.

[Kitchen]

I don't think it's double standard. There is a biological & hormonal reason why men get more pissed about their women's past or infidelity than the other way around. It's unfortunate but there's a good reason for it. Our politically correct society makes it a crime almost for a man to be upset about his woman's past while also having a past himself, but it's apples and oranges (almost).

 

While we are at it, why don't more men complain about the double standard of the man having to do all the chasing, paying, and planning in the beginning stages, in effect making them more emotionally invested from the get go? Double standard, no? Im okay with this, as a man, because once again it is genetics and nature, and that's the way it is.

 

OP: it's ok to be upset but note you cannot change the past. You have two choices 1) learn to accept it, 2) move on. I won't blame you for not accepting it. After all, she did withhold the sex from you, and that must be painful to your ego, I can imagine.

 

Having said that, you did cheat. IMO it makes very little to no difference that you cheated but didn't have full on intercourse. Is your gf supposed to feel better knowing you only put it in the other girl's mouth and not vagina?! No. Cheating is cheating and it's the pain to ones self esteem or pride due to the betrayal that matters. It has nothing to do with vaginal sex.

 

I truly feel your pain OP, I do. Please be honest with yourself and decide whether she's worth giving up based on the ONS. Recognize that you had different lives and were apart. She did what she felt fit in with her morals. Don't take it as a personal offense, she is her own person. But if those morals don't fit in with what you want, feel free to leave her, and I won't judge. Best of luck.

 

Btw that part about not feeling bad about her marriage/ex husband, but feeling upset over the ONS - I totally absolutely get what u mean.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I never said it wasn't. If she has issues with my past, I will help her.

 

 

I just love her so much and the thought of her being with someone else, especially soon after we broke up, makes me sick to my stomach.

 

Wow. I really don't know what to say to this. I don't understand why you are on this forum and what kind of responses you were expecting. It is clear cut that your response to what occurred many years ago and in her past SHOULD be inconsequential. Considering your feelings and YOUR past, reasonable responses have been given.

 

What were you expecting from LS responders?

 

I think you should walk away or deal with this...I know, so simplistic.

[kendahke]

I don't think it's double standard. There is a biological & hormonal reason why men get more pissed about their women's past or infidelity than the other way around.

 

Except she's not his woman, hasn't been for 20 years and he has a lawful wife from whom he's not divorced. In other words: he's still of a cheating mind.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/621653-inform-spouse-divorce-via-letters-acceptable#post7290463

 

Instead of worrying about who she slept with when she was free and clear to do so, he needs to be about the business of cleaning up his messy life.

Edited May 17, 2017 by kendahke

[Kitchen]

Except she's not his woman, hasn't been for 20 years and he has a lawful wife from whom he's not divorced. In other words: he's still of a cheating mind.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/621653-inform-spouse-divorce-via-letters-acceptable#post7290463

 

Instead of worrying about who she slept with when she was free and clear to do so, he needs to be about the business of cleaning up his messy life.

 

Sure, but I was explaining the reasons behind the emotions. He clearly wants her to be his woman again and so it bothers him.

[NuevoYorko]

I contributed to your last thread about your marriage. It boggles my mind that one month later you "have a girlfriend" and you're making what is not your business your business.

 

No way this is going to go well. You need to be divorced, single, and work on your insecurities and blame shifting for a while.

[NuevoYorko]

Sure, but I was explaining the reasons behind the emotions. He clearly wants her to be his woman again and so it bothers him.

How old are you? The OP is well into middle age, like I am. IMO the sexual history of a woman I start dating at this stage of life is not my business. As long as our current values around sex are compatible, I'm good. It seems tremendously insecure to let something like that bother you once you're a grownass man.

[HereNorThere]

Why in the world are you discussing some old woman's sexual history? What are you, like 20 or something. JESUS

 

Literallly no one knows how many people I've slept with and they never will. The few times someone's ever asked I say "there is no right answer to that question."

 

Dude, grow up. Quit trying to relive your college days. She's had a lifetime of penis since you. GET OVER IT

[selinaluv]

Why in the world are you discussing some old woman's sexual history? What are you, like 20 or something. JESUS

 

Literallly no one knows how many people I've slept with and they never will. The few times someone's ever asked I say "there is no right answer to that question."

 

Dude, grow up. Quit trying to relive your college days. She's had a lifetime of penis since you. GET OVER IT

 

Exactly! My number of sex partners is what it is and no one's business. I have no shame and it in no ways represents my morals or integrity.

 

But I also expect the men I am with to not be concerned with my past as long as I have been safe with my health. And I will give them the same curtesy.

 

It isn't about being being politically correct (like was mentioned earlier) it is about being viewed with equality and being valued for who I am, not who I slept with years ago.