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I'm a dating moron


newheart

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Guys ... I just don't know how to date. :lmao: After three months of singledom after my year long relationship, I am starting to casually date again - which I feel like I am no good at. It's like I am 40 going on 14.

 

So, I've gone on a couple dates with a guy I met OLD. We met first to see if we clicked, and then had two (long) dates ... dinners, drinks, several hours of very good conversation and a bit of making out, no sex.

 

Friday night while together, he asked to see me again next weekend and to let him know what my schedule was like. Then a bit later he suggested I meet him for dinner on his break on Monday, because he didn't want to wait until Friday to see me again. (He works nights) I thought that was sweet, but at the same time, I was hesitant to commit to it - I work long days too, have kids at home, I'd be driving just as long as the time I'd get to spend with him, and I just think at this stage he can wait until the weekend (lol). He remembered that Monday was my least busy evening which I said was true, though while I didn't say no, we didn't set anything specific up and didn't talk about it again.

 

We've been texting / flirty all weekend, but never discussed today again (which makes me pause). However, I would like to make plans for the upcoming weekend, and I think the ball may be in my court at this point to let him know my schedule. ??? Last night, he again told me how he had so much fun Friday night, so I think these are all good signs. Over the weekend, texting became a little ... risque. Which was kind of an interesting and awesome conversation, tbh. But then, I am not sure if he will expect sex because of the turn things have taken, and I don't know how I feel about that. And, now I am rambling. :laugh:

 

I am not sure how to proceed ... this might sound silly, at this stage, I've always kind of left it to the guy to initiate plans. I have an idea of where we should go, and he has paid for everything up to this point, should I just invite him to dinner?

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salparadise
Then a bit later he suggested I meet him for dinner on his break on Monday, because... I just think at this stage he can wait until the weekend (lol).

 

I would like to make plans for the upcoming weekend, and I think the ball may be in my court at this point to let him know my schedule.

 

Over the weekend, texting became a little ... risque. Which was kind of an interesting and awesome conversation, tbh. But then, I am not sure if he will expect sex because of the turn things have taken, and I don't know how I feel about that.

 

I am not sure how to proceed ... this might sound silly, at this stage, I've always kind of left it to the guy to initiate plans. I have an idea of where we should go, and he has paid for everything up to this point, should I just invite him to dinner?

 

 

Oh, this isn't hard to figure out at all. This is the 21st century. Tell him tonight would be too rushed, but you'd like to invite him to dinner on Friday. You reciprocate his earlier generosity by paying for dinner––don't do the slow reach, insist.

 

Risqué texting is not a problem. It doesn't matter what his expectations are. If you aren't ready yet, then don't. If necessary, reset the expectation, politely. You don't actually know his expectations, you're assuming.

 

Keep going with it if it's working, but drop the demure, reticent mentality; be gently assertive and fully reciprocal.

Edited by salparadise
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I"m failing to see how he's being a moron. That's a bit harsh given what you've posted.

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I"m failing to see how he's being a moron. That's a bit harsh given what you've posted.

 

No no no - I am the moron! Lol! I am just not good with this kind of stuff!

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Oh, this isn't hard to figure out at all. This is the 21st century. Tell him tonight would be too rushed, but you'd like to invite him to dinner on Friday. You reciprocate his earlier generosity by paying for dinner––don't do the slow reach, insist.

 

Risqué texting is not a problem. It doesn't matter what his expectations are. If you aren't ready yet, then don't. If necessary, reset the expectation, politely. You don't actually know his expectations, you're assuming.

 

Keep going with it if it's working, but drop the demure, reticent mentality; be gently assertive and fully reciprocal.

 

Thanks, Sal! All very good points ... I am overthinking things too, probably making it more complicated than it needs to be.

 

I do think tonight would be too rushed so I think that is perfect to explain it that way - should I bring it up, or only say this if he mentions tonight?

 

Either way, I am going to invite him to dinner/out Friday.

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hippychick3

It sounds like it's going well, Newheart!

 

I would not invite him to your place for dinner though. I think it's too soon for that and he would definitely assume sex is on the table.

 

I would make a casual comment that you're looking forward to seeing him again but don't feel like you need to ask him out. He seems to like you a lot, and I would let him continue to pursue you at this stage. Avoid going to each other's houses so the relationship can progress more before you have sex.

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salparadise
Thanks, Sal! All very good points ... I am overthinking things too, probably making it more complicated than it needs to be.

 

I do think tonight would be too rushed so I think that is perfect to explain it that way - should I bring it up, or only say this if he mentions tonight?

 

Either way, I am going to invite him to dinner/out Friday.

 

Do both at once. Just say, "tonight would be too rushed, but I'd like to invite you to dinner at [name of restaurant] on Friday night."

 

If you didn't give him a definitive answer to his suggestion for tonight he probably assumes it's not happening, but offering Friday as an alternative does two things, a) shows you're indeed interested, and b) acknowledges that you took his offer seriously even though it's too rushed to work for you.

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salparadise
It sounds like it's going well, Newheart!

 

I would not invite him to your place for dinner though. I think it's too soon for that and he would definitely assume sex is on the table.

 

I would make a casual comment that you're looking forward to seeing him again but don't feel like you need to ask him out. He seems to like you a lot, and I would let him continue to pursue you at this stage. Avoid going to each other's houses so the relationship can progress more before you have sex.

 

No. Don't play that game. Ask him to that restaurant you have in mind for Friday. I also disagree that going to one of your homes, for dinner or whatever, implies sex. It's perfectly fine for you to sit on a couch, kiss and enjoy each other's company while going no further than you feel is appropriate. If he gets overly enthusiastic you might need to say that you want to get to know him better first, but that's a completely separate issue from stepping foot inside one of your homes.

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No no no - I am the moron! Lol! I am just not good with this kind of stuff!

 

Oh, ok...

 

no, you're not a moron.

 

Truth be told, hardly anyone is good at OLD. It took me some time to find the key to the lock.

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hippychick3
No. Don't play that game. Ask him to that restaurant you have in mind for Friday. I also disagree that going to one of your homes, for dinner or whatever, implies sex. It's perfectly fine for you to sit on a couch, kiss and enjoy each other's company while going no further than you feel is appropriate. If he gets overly enthusiastic you might need to say that you want to get to know him better first, but that's a completely separate issue from stepping foot inside one of your homes.

 

I disagree that my suggestion is a game. It's called moving at a normal pace. I think it's too early to invite him to her house on the 3rd date given the sexual undertones in their texting unless she wants sex.

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I am not sure how to proceed ... this might sound silly, at this stage, I've always kind of left it to the guy to initiate plans. I have an idea of where we should go, and he has paid for everything up to this point, should I just invite him to dinner?

 

 

Dating is expensive. It's unfair for one party to shoulder that whole burden. By all means pull out your wallet soon.

 

 

As for whose turn it is to call, dating should not be about keeping score. If you want to firm up plans reach out. Be proactive. One contact to verify is not being clingy or pushy. It's simply confirming like you would do with any other meeting.

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I disagree that my suggestion is a game. It's called moving at a normal pace. I think it's too early to invite him to her house on the 3rd date given the sexual undertones in their texting unless she wants sex.

 

Game or not, I won't be inviting him to my house (I have teenagers at home). I am inviting him to a particular restaurant I told him about that he was interested in trying.

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Do both at once. Just say, "tonight would be too rushed, but I'd like to invite you to dinner at [name of restaurant] on Friday night."

 

If you didn't give him a definitive answer to his suggestion for tonight he probably assumes it's not happening, but offering Friday as an alternative does two things, a) shows you're indeed interested, and b) acknowledges that you took his offer seriously even though it's too rushed to work for you.

 

Thanks, Sal!

 

He is asleep (we work opposite schedules - this should be interesting, lol) but I will do this later today.

 

:)

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salparadise
I disagree that my suggestion is a game. It's called moving at a normal pace.

 

Not what I was referring to. I'm taking about where you said she should not ask him out for Friday because he's supposed to pursue her. Pfffft.

 

 

I think it's too early to invite him to her house on the 3rd date given the sexual undertones in their texting unless she wants sex.

 

The last two women I dated more than once, we went to either my house or her's on both the second and third dates... to drink wine, hang out and watch a movie, listen to music, etc., and guess what... no sex. Kissing yes, which was fine with them, and zero presumption on my part or theirs that sex was implied because we were in a private residence.

 

If you feel safe, no problem. If you don't feel safe... then why are you even dating the guy. So what if he does or does not have expectations? Newheart is a fully functional human being and allowed to decide when she's ready.

 

I don't understand where this stuff comes from... guess I need to catch up on my 19th century English literature.

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Hi!

 

I think we are all a little confused when it comes to dating!!!! Just want to send you positive vibes! I think you are doing great!!

 

Big hugs my friend!

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hippychick3
Not what I was referring to. I'm taking about where you said she should not ask him out for Friday because he's supposed to pursue her. Pfffft.

 

 

 

 

The last two women I dated more than once, we went to either my house or her's on both the second and third dates... to drink wine, hang out and watch a movie, listen to music, etc., and guess what... no sex. Kissing yes, which was fine with them, and zero presumption on my part or theirs that sex was implied because we were in a private residence.

 

If you feel safe, no problem. If you don't feel safe... then why are you even dating the guy. So what if he does or does not have expectations? Newheart is a fully functional human being and allowed to decide when she's ready.

 

I don't understand where this stuff comes from... guess I need to catch up on my 19th century English literature.

 

Did you have sexual conversations beforehand? That makes a difference.

 

NH asked what WE thought HIS EXPECTATIONS were given their conversations. I gave my thoughts on that. My thoughts on what his expectations would be is not based on 19th century English literature. Obviously she's fully functioning and can decide on her own what she wants :rolleyes:

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hippychick3

[QUOTE=salparadise;7313263]Not what I was referring to. I'm taking about where you said she should not ask him out for Friday because he's supposed to pursue her. Pfffft.

 

.

 

Oh and to address this part of your post...I will continue to suggest letting the guy initiate the dates in the early stages of dating as a way to gauge his interest. The most successful relationships I've had were with men who did the pursuing in the beginning. It worked very well for me, and no one ever accused me of "playing games." If you want to disagree with that, so be it.

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I will continue to suggest letting the guy initiate the dates in the early stages of dating as a way to gauge his interest.

 

 

There's a difference between letting a guy take the lead (pursue) and failing to firm up casual half made plans.

 

 

Here the OP sort of had plans with this new guy but didn't have the specifics. Yes, it would be nice if the guy reached out to confirm but men need assurances too. So I think she would be well served to reach out & say "Are we still on for dinner?"

 

 

When both parties are proactive the relationship flourishes.

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hippychick3
There's a difference between letting a guy take the lead (pursue) and failing to firm up casual half made plans.

 

 

Here the OP sort of had plans with this new guy but didn't have the specifics. Yes, it would be nice if the guy reached out to confirm but men need assurances too. So I think she would be well served to reach out & say "Are we still on for dinner?"

 

 

When both parties are proactive the relationship flourishes.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with confirming plans!

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Update: I did as Sal suggested about today, and then asked him to dinner Friday. He said he "absolutely wanted to see me and have dinner with me." I suggested a time, he said he'd be available earlier too if I was. He seems excited. :-)

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salparadise
Update: I did as Sal suggested about today, and then asked him to dinner Friday. He said he "absolutely wanted to see me and have dinner with me." I suggested a time, he said he'd be available earlier too if I was. He seems excited. :-)

 

I'm happy for you, newheart. Hope all goes well on Friday and beyond. :bunny::bunny::bunny:

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salparadise
Oh and to address this part of your post...I will continue to suggest letting the guy initiate the dates in the early stages of dating as a way to gauge his interest. The most successful relationships I've had were with men who did the pursuing in the beginning.

 

Yes, it would be nice if the guy reached out to confirm but men need assurances too. So I think she would be well served to reach out & say "Are we still on for dinner. When both parties are proactive the relationship flourishes.

 

 

Hippychick, I realize that many women still believe this is the proper way, but I don't get it. What do you mean exactly by "gauge his interest?" Why do you think it's so important to gauge HIS interest while acting aloof and concealing any interest you may have? Do you not consider parity to be appropriate in the age of equality between genders?

 

As a progressive, older man dating in the 21st century, it just seems archaic that a woman would think it inappropriate to suggest a date, split the check, or call/text first... but feigning demure to conceal one's interest seems to go beyond even that.

 

In every successful relationship I've had, I think it was successful because there was reciprocity. I can't even imagine pursuing a woman who acted ambivalent, aloof, feigned demure, etc. I'd probably write her off as stunted, emotionally unavailable or an empty shell.

 

And yes, I do think this is a strange holdover from the Victorian era.

Edited by salparadise
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