Was I being too stuck up/have too much high standards?

[moonchild94]

Okay so this guy and I met online.

I told him I'm looking only for friends first.

We've been talking everyday for the past few weeks.

He was really nerdy/goofy like me and always sent me snaps.

Playful non sexual ones.

He wanted to see me so I said invite me to do something.

We can definitely meet.

So we picked a day and he asked what should we do.

I said oh lets do something new and has nice scenery?

He said yeah sounds good.. we talked some more and then he said " yeah I wouldn't mind after the scenic view to netflix and literally chill."

I texted him back" NOPE! I don't netflix and chill"

He says " I didn't mean hooking up hence why I said "literally"

I replied saying" Yeah, I don't chill. Wether its friends or for a date. If you have anything that's not lazy then let me know. Other than that I'm out and I said nice talking to you."

He says: Well thats opinionated saying that netflix and chilling is lazy. If you give me an ultimatum then we dont need to hangout I guess.

I never replied after that.

 

Was I too much? So many guys have walked over me and only wanted sex. I've been told I have WAY too low of standards and I'm learning. Even though we were friends and it wasn't a date; I do not want to "chill" with someone I'm meeting for the first time? I feel like he was trying to ease his way into something casual with me.

 

I'm just trying to be smart because I've only had 1 bf and he literally just used my naiveness and I don't want to be naive anymore. I'm just getting back to my feet after being dumped twice and I'm starting to love myself. Oh and this guy I'm writing about I met on Tinder....

[RecentChange]

I don't think Netflix and chill, even littterally is a suitable date, especially not a first date.

 

Coffee and a walk in the park. A small meal, cocktails and conversation is a date.

 

Sitting on his couch watching TV is not a date, it's lazy.

[ChatroomHero]

If you want my advice, ask a question that is not lame and doesn't completely waste my time like your garbage question. Otherwise, take care and leave me alone.

 

 

..There, how do you feel about my response and what does it make you think of me? Because that is how your responses came across. If someone I was interested in responded to me like you did, it would actually make me really dislike them as a person and lose all interest. Sorry, based on what you posted you came across as a complete ass and I cannot imagine anyone finding you appealing for very long if that is how you behave.

[kendahke]

I think you were quite on point. He's a time waster.

 

He didn't want to be arsed with taking you out on a proper first meeting, let alone date.

 

OK, I get money can be tight---but as my new boyfriend suggested on our first meeting: each of us bring a book and a thermos of our favorite hot brew and meet on a public park bench and trade books, drink brew and get to know one another. Absolutely in anyone's budget and it's innovative. If things work out great, as they did with us, we proceeded to grab a bite to eat after 4 hours of talking.

 

He has a value on who he sets his sites on and it's discount. I applaud you for how you handled it. You dodged a mediocre bullet.

 

It's better to find out now and block him than to end up chillin' at his place and things really becoming a huge disappointment.

Edited May 8, 2017 by kendahke

[moonchild94]

If you want my advice, ask a question that is not lame and doesn't completely waste my time like your garbage question. Otherwise, take care and leave me alone.

 

 

..There, how do you feel about my response and what does it make you think of me? Because that is how your responses came across. If someone I was interested in responded to me like you did, it would actually make me really dislike them as a person and lose all interest. Sorry, based on what you posted you came across as a complete ass and I cannot imagine anyone finding you appealing for very long if that is how you behave.

 

Aww... And you're right. I'd rather be an ass than a naive girl that gets her heart broken because she keeps going for the same guys that waste her time every single time. You can discount me as a bad person all you want but I'm glad my response seemed to have ticked you off. I'm pretty sure I made the right choice then. Bad toooo the bone~

[MajesticUnicorn]

I mean...I understand not wanting to Netflix and chill on the first date, or at all, and there's nothing wrong with that. I would feel the same way. But, I wouldn't have phrased it the way that you did. You haven't even met this guy yet, and your response did come off pretty rude/judgmental (in my opinion). He said that he literally just wanted to watch Netflix, and you basically called him lazy and said it was nice talking to you, so you shouldn't be surprised by his response.

 

I would've said something like, "I normally prefer doing something more active on dates! Maybe we could do (insert idea here), instead?"

 

You can still come back from this if you are interested in him and DO want to hang out. Just say sorry if I came off harsh haha, I just enjoy more active dates, I would still like to hang out though. Have you been to (insert location/idea/whatever) before?

[moonchild94]

I don't think Netflix and chill, even littterally is a suitable date, especially not a first date.

 

Coffee and a walk in the park. A small meal, cocktails and conversation is a date.

 

Sitting on his couch watching TV is not a date, it's lazy.

 

Exactly. We had something going until he mentioned netflix and chilling after.

Like no way... I've done that before too. First guy I ever met invited me to his home to watch movies and he cooked for me. He wanted sex.. not to get to know me. Like I'm not falling for that stuff anymore. When I say I had low standards before.. I meant I had SUPER low. I would tolerate anything and I'm not doing that anymore. I'm glad my response wasn't bad then.

[moonchild94]

I mean...I understand not wanting to Netflix and chill on the first date, or at all, and there's nothing wrong with that. I would feel the same way. But, I wouldn't have phrased it the way that you did. You haven't even met this guy yet, and your response did come off pretty rude/judgmental (in my opinion). He said that he literally just wanted to watch Netflix, and you basically called him lazy and said it was nice talking to you, so you shouldn't be surprised by his response.

 

I would've said something like, "I normally prefer doing something more active on dates! Maybe we could do (insert idea here), instead?"

 

You can still come back from this if you are interested in him and DO want to hang out. Just say sorry if I came off harsh haha, I just enjoy more active dates, I would still like to hang out though. Have you been to (insert location/idea/whatever) before?

 

I feel like it's the same outcome. I've done this way too many times when I was super nice to guys about this. I tell them what I want and they agree and once I give them what they wanted they say I expect too much or that I need to back up. I've told this guy multiple times I only want to be friends and get to know him. Yet he kept bringing up oh we should little spoon.. or we should netflix and literally chill. I may have came across mean but I've been nice for wayyyyy too long. I've been told multiple times to step up my standards a bit.Yeah I haven't met him before so I have nothing to lose I guess. But I mean I feel like I have to walk away fast and be mean for them to understand. When I am nice they always come back for the same thing and when I do say no they just leave like that. I'm tired of being the one to not walk away from things. This wasn't even a date.. he just said he wanted to hang out. That's it. He didn't say hey I want to take you out.. etc.

[SwordofFlame]

I think it was a bad idea for him to mentioning netflix and chilling that soon before even meeting you. It kind of sends the wrong message. Your response just made matters worse. I guess it's for the best that you two forget each other and just move on.

[moonchild94]

I think you were quite on point. He's a time waster.

 

He didn't want to be arsed with taking you out on a proper first meeting, let alone date.

 

OK, I get money can be tight---but as my new boyfriend suggested on our first meeting: each of us bring a book and a thermos of our favorite hot brew and meet on a public park bench and trade books, drink brew and get to know one another. Absolutely in anyone's budget and it's innovative. If things work out great, as they did with us, we proceeded to grab a bite to eat after 4 hours of talking.

 

He has a value on who he sets his sites on and it's discount. I applaud you for how you handled it. You dodged a mediocre bullet.

 

It's better to find out now and block him than to end up chillin' at his place and things really becoming a huge disappointment.

 

 

Btw I loved that date idea. That's amazing. Sounds fun and very innovative!

[moonchild94]

I think it was a bad idea for him to mentioning netflix and chilling that soon before even meeting you. It kind of sends the wrong message. Your response just made matters worse. I guess it's for the best that you two forget each other and just move on.

 

Some of you guys are saying my response is horrible but I really feel proud of it. lol. This is the first time I've ever sent a strong response like that and I feel thrilled. Usually I would be very nice and say oh no thank you on the netflix. Usually they would fade out and never complete the plan and ghost me.

I also didn't put in there that he mentioned little spooning as well sooooo I don't think he wanted to really go on a "real" first meet up anyways.

[VeveCakes]

You did the right thing, but next time don't even let it go that far.

 

You did all the work. You asked him out. He asked you to pick the ideas etc. If you want a guy that's serious about dating, he will ask you out and make the plans like a proper man.

 

I'm so done with all this "hanging out" and "chilling".

 

That's something to be done as a couple, not dating. Good on you for standing your ground. He would prob be a lazy ass bf anyways.

[Erik30]

Well you did tell him you were only looking for friends, so it wasn't even a date.... but I do agree it's a dumb thing to suggest for a first meet. Maybe he assumed it would turn into fwb

[ChatroomHero]

Aww... And you're right. I'd rather be an ass than a naive girl that gets her heart broken because she keeps going for the same guys that waste her time every single time. You can discount me as a bad person all you want but I'm glad my response seemed to have ticked you off. I'm pretty sure I made the right choice then. Bad toooo the bone~

 

Your responses to the guy didn't have any effect on me, I don't know you or have any horse in the race. I was giving you an example so you can see how you come off to someone.

 

 

It sounds to me like someone hurt you and you are now going to be taking revenge out on other guys. So you have this imaginary check list that only you know about and woe is the guy that unknowingly screws up a category. Bitter, jaded and seeking revenge for every guy that has broken your heart is no way to go through dating. As long as you feel like that you will find yourself looking for things to trigger you and allow you to exact your revenge on some poor unwitting sap.

 

 

All I am saying is be an adult, a simple "no thank you, I am not interested in that" is all you need. Take it for what it is worth, good luck in your quest of vengeance I guess. lol

[moonchild94]

Your responses to the guy didn't have any effect on me, I don't know you or have any horse in the race. I was giving you an example so you can see how you come off to someone.

 

 

It sounds to me like someone hurt you and you are now going to be taking revenge out on other guys. So you have this imaginary check list that only you know about and woe is the guy that unknowingly screws up a category. Bitter, jaded and seeking revenge for every guy that has broken your heart is no way to go through dating. As long as you feel like that you will find yourself looking for things to trigger you and allow you to exact your revenge on some poor unwitting sap.

 

 

All I am saying is be an adult, a simple "no thank you, I am not interested in that" is all you need. Take it for what it is worth, good luck in your quest of vengeance I guess. lol

 

 

Oh okay. I thought you got mad. Anyhow, I never seek revenge. I'm actually quite the pushover but I saw where this is going and I stopped it right there. I was going to drive 1.5 hours to meet him and hang out but then he mentioned netflix and chilled and I lost it. A nice guy that was similar to me and goofy ended up just masking it away and slowly put out what he truly wanted. I just really want someone to get to know me rather than just say I'm pretty and want to see me for my looks Or just to be friends and that's it. I'm over that. I'll be an adult from now on but it felt good to be mean for once.

[rester]

I would be cautious to not overcompensate for your previous passiveness in relationships. Your response was a bit on the aggressive side of communication styles. An assertive, rather than aggressive, communication style will be much more beneficial to you in the future.

[bluefeather]

I would tolerate anything and I'm not doing that anymore.

 

I think that's a very good revelation to come to. It's great that you are standing up for yourself and being aware of and firm in what your boundaries are. However, I would advise you to be careful not to go too far into that territory. If you are not used to that kind of strength, and continually feed it with pride, (too much pride is not a good thing), you can develop a false sense of security, that is actually arrogance, protecting your damaged self.

 

I'd rather be an ass than a naive girl that gets her heart broken...

 

That is the way many people, both men and women, become cold-hearted: With a reason to protect their feelings. It sounds rational enough, but if taken too far, can cause someone to become ugly on the inside.

 

 

To sum it up, what you said might have sounded stuck up, but I also think he was being sloppy. So IMO, you were both being impolite to each other.

[ChatroomHero]

Oh okay. I thought you got mad. Anyhow, I never seek revenge. I'm actually quite the pushover but I saw where this is going and I stopped it right there. I was going to drive 1.5 hours to meet him and hang out but then he mentioned netflix and chilled and I lost it. A nice guy that was similar to me and goofy ended up just masking it away and slowly put out what he truly wanted. I just really want someone to get to know me rather than just say I'm pretty and want to see me for my looks Or just to be friends and that's it. I'm over that. I'll be an adult from now on but it felt good to be mean for once.

 

You were right in that his invite really was to get you on the couch and that is not what you wanted. It's good that you recognize it, it's just best to say, no thanks, not what I want.

 

 

It does sound like you have a little unresolved hurt in your background. If you are not careful you can easily start projecting it on future prospects unfairly. I had a conversation with a friend not that long ago about now when I meet a woman, the first thing that comes to mind is she probably likes to use Vicodin, or I estimate it will be 2 months before she asks to borrow money or use my car...because I am projecting the faults of 2 exes on them. I have to work to not write someone off based on past relationships and also to try not to resolve my past issues by exacting a little revenge on someone for past hurt. Don't become too jaded without realizing it

[moonchild94]

You were right in that his invite really was to get you on the couch and that is not what you wanted. It's good that you recognize it, it's just best to say, no thanks, not what I want.

 

 

It does sound like you have a little unresolved hurt in your background. If you are not careful you can easily start projecting it on future prospects unfairly. I had a conversation with a friend not that long ago about now when I meet a woman, the first thing that comes to mind is she probably likes to use Vicodin, or I estimate it will be 2 months before she asks to borrow money or use my car...because I am projecting the faults of 2 exes on them. I have to work to not write someone off based on past relationships and also to try not to resolve my past issues by exacting a little revenge on someone for past hurt. Don't become too jaded without realizing it

 

I know I should really stop. I just absolutely HATE laziness. Like I despise it that's all. All my friends had guys/ have bfs that treat them like gold. I mean they have their hick ups and what not but their bfs are like head over heels for them. They don't put up with any bull so I thought hey I might as well do that too. I guess that's what kinda caused my little aggressive approach. I keep attracting lazy men and I hate it. Then again I should expect that from meeting them on tinder.

[MajesticUnicorn]

I know I should really stop. I just absolutely HATE laziness. Like I despise it that's all. All my friends had guys/ have bfs that treat them like gold. I mean they have their hick ups and what not but their bfs are like head over heels for them. They don't put up with any bull so I thought hey I might as well do that too. I guess that's what kinda caused my little aggressive approach. I keep attracting lazy men and I hate it. Then again I should expect that from meeting them on tinder.

 

Believe me, I understand. I have a track record of dating/talking to these types of guys too. I'm still working on myself and learning how to find the good ones and weed out the players/lazy type.

 

I think part of it is just learning how to stand your ground, and be firm in your beliefs, without coming off overly aggressive or bitter towards future relationships. It's also one thing when you are in a relationship versus when you first start talking or haven't even met yet.

 

For me, I heard the same advice you are receiving from my own friends...that I can stand my ground early on, without coming off as someone who is jaded/bitter, and also not to automatically assume the worst in guys.

 

I didn't know about the spooning part when I originally posted, so it's clear that this guy has questionable intentions so I don't blame you for reacting the way you did at all.

 

One quote that has really helped me through this process is: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

[central]

I think you were overly harsh and controlling that everything has to be to your liking, while not offering any constructive suggestions. Too inflexible before even meeting him. IMO, he dodged a bullet.

[VeveCakes]

I think you were overly harsh and controlling that everything has to be to your liking, while not offering any constructive suggestions. Too inflexible before even meeting him. IMO, he dodged a bullet.

 

Yeah dodged a bullet of a woman who doesn't want to just accept what a guy throws at her with 0 effort. Lots of girls out there desperate for attention who will happily "chill" without needing more. Eventually though, women catch on and get rid of those guys who make 0 effort.

[d0nnivain]

Some of you guys are saying my response is horrible but I really feel proud of it. lol. This is the first time I've ever sent a strong response like that and I feel thrilled. Usually I would be very nice and say oh no thank you on the netflix. Usually they would fade out and never complete the plan and ghost me.

I also didn't put in there that he mentioned little spooning as well sooooo I don't think he wanted to really go on a "real" first meet up anyways.

 

 

If you are proud of yourself for standing up for yourself, fine good for you.

 

 

That said, diplomacy & tact go a along way without making you feel weak. Lets work on balance because there will be a next guy who suggests Netflix & chill again. In some respects it's a test / boundaries issue. They guy is trying to see how little he can get away with.

 

 

In your shoes, I never would have said "I want to be friends first." You really don't. You are presumably in the market for a respectful BF. To get one, you can't take romance off the table up front. You also miss the point of the early dates. They are simply pre-arranged times & places to meet to get to know the other person. They don't require a commitment of more than the allotted time for the activity.

 

 

Second, when he asked how you feel about literally Netflix & chill, the better answer was you appreciated the fact that he meant watch a movie & relax rather than using it as a euphemism for sex but you prefer more public activities for the first few dates & while you would be open to hanging out with him a park bench his suggestion is not what you are interested in at this point.

[GunslingerRoland]

Okay so this guy and I met online.

I told him I'm looking only for friends first.

We've been talking everyday for the past few weeks.

He was really nerdy/goofy like me and always sent me snaps.

Playful non sexual ones.

He wanted to see me so I said invite me to do something.

We can definitely meet.

So we picked a day and he asked what should we do.

I said oh lets do something new and has nice scenery?

He said yeah sounds good.. we talked some more and then he said " yeah I wouldn't mind after the scenic view to netflix and literally chill."

I texted him back" NOPE! I don't netflix and chill"

He says " I didn't mean hooking up hence why I said "literally"

I replied saying" Yeah, I don't chill. Wether its friends or for a date. If you have anything that's not lazy then let me know. Other than that I'm out and I said nice talking to you."

He says: Well thats opinionated saying that netflix and chilling is lazy. If you give me an ultimatum then we dont need to hangout I guess.

I never replied after that.

 

Was I too much? So many guys have walked over me and only wanted sex. I've been told I have WAY too low of standards and I'm learning. Even though we were friends and it wasn't a date; I do not want to "chill" with someone I'm meeting for the first time? I feel like he was trying to ease his way into something casual with me.

 

I'm just trying to be smart because I've only had 1 bf and he literally just used my naiveness and I don't want to be naive anymore. I'm just getting back to my feet after being dumped twice and I'm starting to love myself. Oh and this guy I'm writing about I met on Tinder....

 

On the one hand I agree that netflix isn't really a first date thing.

 

On the other hand this whole situation screams out a lot of ambiguity though. You've said that you want to be friends first. Is that really what you are looking for? Do you expect him to take you out to a fancy date as a friend?

 

What is the social etiquette for taking someone out on a first friends date?

 

I'm not necessarily saying you made the wrong choice with this guy. Just that you need to figure out what you want. Taking it slow and making sure you aren't being used is different IMO than wanting to be friends first.

 

And talking everyday for a few weeks is a lot of lead up time to meeting in person.

[moonchild94]

I think you were overly harsh and controlling that everything has to be to your liking, while not offering any constructive suggestions. Too inflexible before even meeting him. IMO, he dodged a bullet.

 

Nah. Incorrect