How can I get his ex out of the picture?

[breean007]

I’ve been crushing on this guy who’s a good friend for a while but I’m scared to make a move. We’re in the same group of friends so we see each other often and sometimes hang out alone. His ex used to come to some of our group hang outs as well cause she & her 2 best friends are also friends with some of us, but stopped when they ended things on non-speaking terms.

 

But she’s started showing up again the past couple months. At first, they didn’t interact at all and it was quite awkward. But one time, she asked him for a ride home, and they ended up hanging out alone and he put it on snapchat.

 

After that, every time she showed up he’d go to her & they’d stick together, and would sometimes try to hang out alone after. I’ve seen her bring him cough drops & OJ when he was sick and he literally lighted up. Once, they ran into each other when she was on her way to work and he was waiting to meet up with me and our friend group. So, to kill time, he decided to walk w/ her to work 20 min away then walked back by himself to meet us. Isn’t that a little much?

 

She’s also quite touchy with him (touching his arm when she laughs, whispering in his ears) and he doesn’t seem to mind. But again, he also had no problem with me putting my head on his shoulder or some other girls being touchy so it could just be his personality.

 

Other people have noticed them hovering around each other too. Sometimes in front of others they’d bring up inside jokes or tell stories or random facts they know about each other. One time someone asked her a question and he jumped in and answer for her. They obviously have a history and know each other well, so I could be reading too much into this.

 

What's going on between them? I know exes can be attached, but that doesn’t mean it’s not over. How can I separate them and make him want to spend more time with me?

[Tressugar]

Find someone else who's emotionally available to date you.

 

It's always easier to change yourself than to change others.

[Whodatdog]

You can't. He's still got the hots for her, and she for him. Nothing you can do about that.

[d0nnivain]

How can I separate them and make him want to spend more time with me?

 

 

You can't. If he wants to be with her, it's not your place to interfere.

[Ieris]

How can I get his ex out of the picture?

 

You can't and you shouldn't. Whether she is in the picture or not, it doesn't mean he'll go for you so don't interfere in their friendship/relationship.

[breean007]

It felt like we were heading somewhere before the ex came around. We talked a lot, and he was always the one to ask me to hang out. The first few times that she started showing up again, he’d still go up to me & talk, but that gradually stopped.

 

Does it really sound like he still sees her as more than a friend? Isn’t it a bad idea to get back with exes? I mean, they broke up for a reason!! If it didn’t work out the first time, why would he want to get back into that mess?

[Raena]

Relationships are complicated. Whether it's a good idea or not to get back together, he obviously still has feelings for her that he hasn't worked out.

 

It sounds like you have feelings for him and wish for more. I wish I could tell you it will all work out but it doesn't appear he's over her. Be thankful if nothing really happened between you two that would make remaining friends with him difficult.

[act00]

There are still feelings between these two. If either of them was not interested anymore, they would put a stop to the touchy-feely and would not flirt. They would be demonstrating boundaries, and may even have to have a talk with the ex about not hanging on them or flirting.

 

They have a history, and clearly they are both still interested. It's just a matter of time before they reconcile, and probably break up again, but right now, they are falling into their old comfort.

 

Try to crush this crush. He's not available.

[breean007]

hmm I understand exes having residual feelings for each other, especially since this was his first relationship in 1-2 years. But even then I don't think that necessarily mean they will for sure get back together.

 

Can I flirt here & there and maybe ask him out? Also when she shows up to our group hang outs, sometimes he socializes w/ other people then go to her. If people call for his attention he talks to them for a while then finds his way to her somehow. Can I just stick around his side?

[Tressugar]

Ask yourself why would you want to grovel behind someone.

 

If you are over 18 years of age and he's of a consenting age then you can do what you want just as long as you have his permission.

[ExpatInItaly]

hmm I understand exes having residual feelings for each other, especially since this was his first relationship in 1-2 years. But even then I don't think that necessarily mean they will for sure get back together.

 

Can I flirt here & there and maybe ask him out? Also when she shows up to our group hang outs, sometimes he socializes w/ other people then go to her. If people call for his attention he talks to them for a while then finds his way to her somehow. Can I just stick around his side?

 

OP, you are going to make yourself look desperate and clingy.

 

You can't make her go away. He obviously still likes her. That's their business to work out. You intervening isn't going to change his feelings for her, but it will likely change the way he sees you. In other words, you might find that he views you more as a nuisance than anything else if you follow him around and attempt to get his attention all the time.

 

You could try asking him out, but really, what's the point when he's obviously still into his ex? And will you be okay if he says no?

Edited May 2, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[d0nnivain]

You can flirt here & there.

 

 

You can't stick to his side. That makes you look pathetic. Pathetic is incredibly unattractive. It won't make him like you more. It will make him like you less.

 

 

You can ask him out but that is a really bad idea. Even if he says yes, that would make you the rebound. Do you want that . . . to the temporary filler because he can't have the girl he really wants?

[breean007]

They broke up because he felt like he wasn't appreciated and wasn't a priority to her. She cancelled their plans, didn't show a lot of affection. He had to initiate everything. There were communication issues. They tried to be friends but it didn't work out, and he thought it'd be unhealthy to remain in contacts so they cut each other out.

 

Also, i thought that for him to open up & tell me all this, he must have felt some sort of emotional connection. Which is why I'm having trouble accepting & that he'd just take her back into his life so willingly.

[preraph]

He's still into her, so it's not a good time to get involved with him. You're going to have to go date other people and not just hang around as a friend or you'll totally just end up in the friendzone. He needs to see you as a desireable woman who guys want to date, so go do that until he gets over his ex, which may only happen if they try and fail again or one of them finds someone else. Obviously, if he was real into you, he would be treating you like a date, not a friend he can cry on your shoulder with about his the one he hopes will come back.

[d0nnivain]

He's taking her back because she probably agreed to fix all the things she had been doing "wrong" before.

 

 

The only connection this guy had with you was your willingness to listen.

 

 

You need to distance yourself from this. Watching from the sidelines will be too painful.

[Lilyana76]

If HE hasn't removed his ex from the picture you have your answer. She isn't going anywhere. He still has feelings, and you will be pushed aside eventually. I'm sorry