Should I give up on him?

[girlinNYC]

Hi all,

 

There is a guy I have been interested in for quite some time. I had noticed his interest through the constant eye contact he would give me, I would always feel and see him look at me. I decided to speak to him a few times and we had always had good chemistry. Plenty of laughter/smiles/general warmth on his part. I can't deny that I have developed feelings for him. It was an instant attraction I felt as soon as I noticed his body language.

 

I know his sister, we have a really good bond and he now knows we know each other. Since then he has been acting aloof? I believe he saw her and I hug the other day, I said hi to him a couple of days later and the conversation was awkward to say the least. From free flowing, great chemistry to awkwardness on his part. He hardly smiled.

 

I'm confused and feeling slightly upset? What could be a reason?

[Simple Logic]

Hi all,

 

There is a guy I have been interested in for quite some time. I had noticed his interest through the constant eye contact he would give me, I would always feel and see him look at me. I decided to speak to him a few times and we had always had good chemistry. Plenty of laughter/smiles/general warmth on his part. I can't deny that I have developed feelings for him. It was an instant attraction I felt as soon as I noticed his body language.

 

I know his sister, we have a really good bond and he now knows we know each other. Since then he has been acting aloof? I believe he saw her and I hug the other day, I said hi to him a couple of days later and the conversation was awkward to say the least. From free flowing, great chemistry to awkwardness on his part. He hardly smiled.

 

I'm confused and feeling slightly upset? What could be a reason?

 

He finds you physically attractive but does not want to date you.

[girlinNYC]

He finds you physically attractive but does not want to date you.

 

Definitely a possibility. I just don't understand why he'd go from calling me beautiful (that physical attraction you mentioned) to the last conversation we had being distant. Slightly annoying when all I've ever been is nice/never came on too strong.

[d0nnivain]

He may be unwilling to get involved with a woman who has independent ties to his family. If he dates you & you two break up you'll still be his sister's friend & he will have to see you. Plus he may feel like as your friend his sister may think she's entitled to meddle in his love life.

[girlinNYC]

He may be unwilling to get involved with a woman who has independent ties to his family. If he dates you & you two break up you'll still be his sister's friend & he will have to see you. Plus he may feel like as your friend his sister may think she's entitled to meddle in his love life.

 

Definitely another possibility, I wouldn't have thought guys think that deep into things but I could be wrong. Makes sense though, thanks for sharing some insight.

[Tressugar]

I had this experience once. Just because a man makes his intentions known through his gestures it's not enough to be absolutely sure he's into you.

 

I still believe men who are 100% interested in you will verbally express his intentions and let you know. His actions and words will be congruent with what you feel and see.

[Chilli]

Definitely another possibility, I wouldn't have thought guys think that deep into things but I could be wrong. Makes sense though, thanks for sharing some insight.

 

of course we do , and far far deeper , you'd cringe believe me. We just don't advertise it.

The sister things a def 'possibility not too many guys want there sister in their love life.

Or , she's told him your keener than he thought and he might not be so he's backing up.

[act00]

You're good friends with his sister. It's like dating a coworker. Don't pee where you eat. There's too much mixing up. If things hit the skids with him (you don't ultimately work out), it can cause problems in the family unit. Loyalties get divided. You'll complain to her about issues in your relationship, and this puts her in the middle, as she probably hears the same thing from her brother. This can put him in a bad place as well. The boundaries get fuzzy. Will his sister reprimand him for being a jerk according to what you tell her? Will she lose a friend because she supports her brother, regardless of who did what wrong? My guess is he just doesn't want to mix up his personal dating life with a friend of his sister. This could get messy, and if you break up, he'll still have to see you, or if you and his sister will no longer be friends of your broken relationship with him, and he'll carry the burden of being the cause of that division, even though it's really not his fault.

 

Just continue your friendly chats with him. Say hi when you see him and all that normal friendly banter. Don't expect anything more and move on. If this has the potential of going anywhere, it will happen. Don't put your life on hold in the meantime. It really isn't the most ideal situation, getting involved with your friend's brother. I would do it only if there was some guarantee that you would be living happily ever after. If things turn south in a relationship with him, you would lose him and your friend.

 

It's a bit of a risk to get involved with him. He recognizes this, and his behavior has changed over it. He has gone from being interested in you romantically to not wanting to get involved with his sister's friend. He is sending out signals; this potential relationship is not an option anymore.

 

Have you talked to your friend about your attraction to her brother? What does she think about it?

[girlinNYC]

I had this experience once. Just because a man makes his intentions known through his gestures it's not enough to be absolutely sure he's into you.

 

I still believe men who are 100% interested in you will verbally express his intentions and let you know. His actions and words will be congruent with what you feel and see.

 

Completely agree. In his defence though we met through work so there are boundaries there that probably weren't as easy for him to get over, if we had met in a bar or somewhere easier to express such interest I'd definitely know if he was truly interested in something more. I guess trying to find that out has piqued my interest. The change in demeanour was only noted by one conversation, he could have been having "one of those days" but I'm not prepared to make excuses, I'll only be getting my hopes up over something not concrete. Thank you for your input.

[Erik30]

Maybe his sister told him that you're interested, but he was just being nice to you, so now he's backing off. (I'm only guessing, he could like you of course)

 

Wait and see if he still acts weird the next time you see him.

[Hopeful30]

At the very worst, his sister may have said something negative about you that turned him off. OR, he could be one of those players who show affection and kindness then suddenly turn it off and play 'unavailable' to 'show you what you're missing'. It's a cynical tactic.

 

At best, it might be some sort of rule that you can't date your siblings' friends. Or maybe he started dating someone.

 

Let this rest for a little while, and in a week or two maybe make a move or hint at flirting. See his response. If it's still cold and distant, he lost interest.

 

ADDED: I agree with the above poster. This didn't come to my mind right away but seems like the most likely and probable explanation. I have done the same in the past. I'm a very open and kind person, very social. But once I learn someone likes me, I turn that off because I don't want to lead them on.

[kendahke]

How good of a friend are you with his sister? Do you two hang out regularly or one in a while?

[girlinNYC]

How good of a friend are you with his sister? Do you two hang out regularly or one in a while?

 

We work close by to each other so we always just visit each other at work, regularly. At least a few times a week. Been that way for about a month now.

[girlinNYC]

Maybe his sister told him that you're interested, but he was just being nice to you, so now he's backing off. (I'm only guessing, he could like you of course)

 

Wait and see if he still acts weird the next time you see him.

 

Definitely going to wait and see, doesn't seem logical to base it all on one conversation given the other 99% of conversations were as positive as anything. His sister definitely wouldn't have said a word because I have never told her how I feel about him or given off any vibe I do either. I've always been super diplomatic. Hence that awkward conversation sticking out to me! Haha

[Titanll]

You're asking about giving up on him and have done nothing to move anything forward yourself?

 

We could all post with far fetched scenarios or advice but why not just ask him out?

[girlinNYC]

At the very worst, his sister may have said something negative about you that turned him off. OR, he could be one of those players who show affection and kindness then suddenly turn it off and play 'unavailable' to 'show you what you're missing'. It's a cynical tactic.

 

At best, it might be some sort of rule that you can't date your siblings' friends. Or maybe he started dating someone.

 

Let this rest for a little while, and in a week or two maybe make a move or hint at flirting. See his response. If it's still cold and distant, he lost interest.

 

ADDED: I agree with the above poster. This didn't come to my mind right away but seems like the most likely and probable explanation. I have done the same in the past. I'm a very open and kind person, very social. But once I learn someone likes me, I turn that off because I don't want to lead them on.

 

Thank you, very sound logic. I have never flirted with him, I've said hi many times and been friendly but never anything obvious. Unless he is psychic I really don't think he'd pick up I like him. His sister and I have only become friends within the month since we met, that day he said to me he figured we'd seen each other around hence knowing each other. can put the house on his sister not saying anything though, she has no idea how I feel about him and I haven't given off any impressions to her or him so it would definitely be one of the other explainations. I think letting it rest with him for a week is best.

[girlinNYC]

of course we do , and far far deeper , you'd cringe believe me. We just don't advertise it.

The sister things a def 'possibility not too many guys want there sister in their love life.

Or , she's told him your keener than he thought and he might not be so he's backing up.

 

She has no idea I like him, I don't even think he does himself given I've hardly let off any cues other than saying hi and the general small talk that comes with it. This is why it's strange

[girlinNYC]

You're good friends with his sister. It's like dating a coworker. Don't pee where you eat. There's too much mixing up. If things hit the skids with him (you don't ultimately work out), it can cause problems in the family unit. Loyalties get divided. You'll complain to her about issues in your relationship, and this puts her in the middle, as she probably hears the same thing from her brother. This can put him in a bad place as well. The boundaries get fuzzy. Will his sister reprimand him for being a jerk according to what you tell her? Will she lose a friend because she supports her brother, regardless of who did what wrong? My guess is he just doesn't want to mix up his personal dating life with a friend of his sister. This could get messy, and if you break up, he'll still have to see you, or if you and his sister will no longer be friends of your broken relationship with him, and he'll carry the burden of being the cause of that division, even though it's really not his fault.

 

Just continue your friendly chats with him. Say hi when you see him and all that normal friendly banter. Don't expect anything more and move on. If this has the potential of going anywhere, it will happen. Don't put your life on hold in the meantime. It really isn't the most ideal situation, getting involved with your friend's brother. I would do it only if there was some guarantee that you would be living happily ever after. If things turn south in a relationship with him, you would lose him and your friend.

 

It's a bit of a risk to get involved with him. He recognizes this, and his behavior has changed over it. He has gone from being interested in you romantically to not wanting to get involved with his sister's friend. He is sending out signals; this potential relationship is not an option anymore.

 

Have you talked to your friend about your attraction to her brother? What does she think about it?

 

Thank you for taking the time to write all of that! So essentially his sister and I have been good friends for a month now, just a mutual work thing, we haven't caught up outside of it or anything (as yet, who knows if we will)

He knows we are buddies, whether he thinks we're close or not I'm unsure, however it could well be plausible he thinks we're close therefore reaffirming what you've mentioned above about the potential awkwardness of close ties etc. She has no idea I like him, neither does he - although we have had a bunch of conversations I've never openly flirted with him. I wouldn't say anything to her until I've tested the waters with him more, although she is super lovely it seems futile at this stage.

[girlinNYC]

You're asking about giving up on him and have done nothing to move anything forward yourself?

 

We could all post with far fetched scenarios or advice but why not just ask him out?

 

I guess I'm my own worst enemy in the sense that

A) super traditional thinking guy should make the first move, i.e. if he does I'll know for sure he's interested - also a reassurance thing

B) I'm feeling slightly apprehensive to speak with him again particularly in light of the awkwardness of the last conversation. I know I said I wouldn't jump the gun over one conversation given the rest have been great, however it doesn't leave the best taste in your mouth.