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Why dating experience matters


ZA Dater

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I wasn't going to post there here but here is what happened on a recent date.

 

 

Okcupid, we met up, had a nice enough time and I decided to try my luck and on the pretence of a nice view invite her back to my place, which she accepted, a decision I almost instantly regretted when we arrived separately at my place.

 

 

What followed was small talk and nothing happened at all because what was I supposed to do? She could clearly see I was inexperienced and remarked as much and then the new famous phrase "I don't thing we will work sexually, you aren't dominating", well how could I be when I have no experience.

 

 

The point here is in a dating scenario experience is VITALLY important because had I that experience this entire awkward moment would not have happened and it was VERY awkward.

 

 

Two hours later she left and that was that, did I feel bad, not really, did I reflect on it, yes I did and realise this inexperience mountain is harder than people acknowledge.

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todreaminblue

hey Z

 

when first meeting someone its not a good idea to have them even come in to your place after you have the date...theres no need unless of course you are having sex...dont take full responisibility for this.....she could have easily declined and said mayeb another time.....maybe her intention was to have sex....who knows......she wanted to be dominated on a first date..she should have made what she woudl liek clear and fool proof.......to me she is the awkward one....her making the i dont think we are compatible sexually on a first date comment is weird...especially since you met on ok cupid..she contributed to the awkwardness you felt....

 

if she had experience she should have known how to make the situation less awkward..not all girls or women are like this one date you had........but...for future dates dotn take a woman back to your place or go to hers....first dates should have time limits...unless you are inf ro a one night stand....

 

so if not for sex only..........do the date...then say goodbye at her door.....or if you drove serperately say goodbye at the venue warmly and say hope we can do this again make it quick no drawn out goodbye and text her when you get home and say i had a great time thanks.....simples....

 

later in the week if you liked the girl try and set up another date...again no going back to each others places.....keep the dates public for a while..be dominantint hi srespect ....say maybe next time lets just call it a night if they ask and its not sex you really want. wait until you feel .....comfortable..before letting a woman into your home.......deb

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hey Z

 

when first meeting someone its not a good idea to have them even come in to your place after you have the date...theres no need unless of course you are having sex...dont take full responisibility for this.....she could have easily declined and said mayeb another time.....maybe her intention was to have sex....who knows......she wanted to be dominated on a first date..she should have made what she woudl liek clear and fool proof.......to me she is the awkward one....her making the i dont think we are compatible sexually on a first date comment is weird...especially since you met on ok cupid..she contributed to the awkwardness you felt....

 

if she had experience she should have known how to make the situation less awkward..not all girls or women are like this one date you had........but...for future dates dotn take a woman back to your place or go to hers....first dates should have time limits...unless you are inf ro a one night stand....

 

so if not for sex only..........do the date...then say goodbye at her door.....or if you drove serperately say goodbye at the venue warmly and say hope we can do this again make it quick no drawn out goodbye and text her when you get home and say i had a great time thanks.....simples....

 

later int eh week if you liked the girl try and set up another date...again no going back to each others places.....keep the dates public for a while...until you feel .....comfortable.....deb

 

The problem I have and I know the forum is going to shun me for this is at nearly 33 I need the experience and short of paying for it I need to try move things along and realistically nobody has ever wanted to see me more than twice....this date I did sort of like her enough to invite her back but I didn't think about how I would take it from there.

 

 

I'd like to think the scenario you paint above is possible but the reality for me is it doesn't seem to be so. In this instance the inexperience was clearly a huge turnoff for her and its hard to see how it could ever be appealing to anyone if I am honest. It would be ok if I were 23 but I think people are far less understanding of older guys with no experience..

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todreaminblue
The problem I have and I know the forum is going to shun me for this is at nearly 33 I need the experience and short of paying for it I need to try move things along and realistically nobody has ever wanted to see me more than twice....this date I did sort of like her enough to invite her back but I didn't think about how I would take it from there.

 

 

I'd like to think the scenario you paint above is possible but the reality for me is it doesn't seem to be so. In this instance the inexperience was clearly a huge turnoff for her and its hard to see how it could ever be appealing to anyone if I am honest. It would be ok if I were 23 but I think people are far less understanding of older guys with no experience..

 

 

yeah...maybe z ......mayeb some women expect an older guy to have experience.....but...it is proven that people are marrying and dating later in life....there are two women on this board the loveshack board who have exactly the same problem as you...and they feel really insecure....doesnt maek them less dateable....nor does it make you less dateable..its changing times.....we have to adapt

 

the scenario i wrote above.. is possible...its how i like to do it..i have dating experience..been on a bit of a haitus ltely....lol im doing a sabbatical.....and crossing all my check lists.....

 

...its common sense really......its honest .....it will work.....you just have to know that sometimes dates dont work out and move on from it and keep to the program....you aregoign to coem across women who havent dated much in your age group...i look at it dating liek id o writing....its nto experience that makes a godo writer its untapped talent...and i look at a person and see potential a lot of women do this...im not special...(mum says i am special normally thats when i am down lol)

 

we all wil have bad dates and good dates...you just have to be willing to take the ride.....and you are...so half way there z...halfway...you aret as old as me ....im 47 and intend on dating.....you arent ever too old too learn about people....adn thats what dating is...learning about the guy or gal opposite you ro beside you if you find a restaurant with booths...i love booth restaurants lol...":0)..still lookin for one with those old music boxes in them..i had a date a long long time ago where they wore rollerskates and served burgers and shakes...made me want to open one of those restaurants up...:0)...my burgers rock......dont take bad dates to heart......and keep trying......deb

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todreaminblue
Maybe some women expect an older guy to have experience you say.

 

Try almost all women will turn ice cold toward an older inexperienced man.

 

 

 

ummm no ....i refuse to believe that.....considering there are two women and one of you....on this board struggling with the same situation....i find that more women would be turned off by a guy that gropes them than a guy who hasnt had much experience.....i know for sure i would.......i would rather date a guy who is a little awkward the first few dates than guy who shoves his arrogant tongue down my throat and thinking to himself i should feel priviledged and smug.......or a guy who would grope my breast with rough fingers when i say nahhhhhh please dont and ignore me...hence my haitus.....any self respecting woman who respects men would rather a little awkwardness....that doesnt last forever if you are the type of woman who has experience with dating.......arrogance however....does last.deb

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todreaminblue
I wish that were true but it's not. Awkwardness is worse than anything to women.

 

you guys are on a defeatist journey...one path i dont feel is advantageous to take for either one of you.....take a different perspective....if you color all birds the same do you think that makes it easier to catch them.....be positive......attract birds of a different feather...be negative and you will attract more of the same birds...

 

ill tell you my flaw......to prove a point.....i feel often that guys only want me for one thing......and thats sex ...often felt its all im good for...because of my ex hooker status...lots of reasons why i felt this.......and when i dated those guys who groped me disrespected me..guess what i felt????....

 

well im not only good for sex....i deserve better and im waiting for that better to come my way....even though i have offers....i dont have to take them up....im more than what they see...much more...and so are you....feel that...you will find more...or more will find you.....deb

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todreaminblue
Then where are the women who don't care about awkwardness. Where? He's 33 and I'm older than that. What I've seen is awkwardness is an absolute deal breaker. Then the advice is fake it till you make it so I try to fake it and it ends in disaster.

 

where have i said be fake..where??????....

 

im 47 and managed to have dates.....but

 

im on a break till the right guy asks me......what im thinking for you two is that you need more time to work on your confidence.....you dont believe me when i say women accept a certain amount of awkwardness..first dates are almost always awkward anyway.....

 

what i do know is that there is a law of attraction i feel its god given and its fair.......you attract what you feel...i can give you many examples of this in my life...can you think of any in yours....can you tell me last time you feltreally good.....and soething postive happened...or the oppsoite when you felt really negative and something bad happened....i often because i am an empath get dragged into the negatives of others....it sucks...but i keep trying to make it postive for all of us

 

tell me honestly ....be female for a minute and ill be male..you are female and sitting at a coffee shop you feel unsure looking at your feet....theres another female at another table who smiles widely at me looks friendly...who am i as a male going to approach.....the one who seems open right.....which is what you would do.....

 

with me i would feel awkward doing so ...but i would still try.....would you?...she may be taken she might not be...she maybe just a friendly person but if i dont try even awkwardly....i will never know....and neitherwill you.....if you fail to try and fail to try with a different perspective.....a more positive one....i never said be fake ...ever...

 

i have had guys ask to sit with me when i used to go to coffee shops.....i never said no....unless i was meeting someone...i am sure they felt awkward.....but they had a positive frame of mind.....and courage....i respect courage in men...in spite of awkwardness...courage shines to me..courage is a trait nearly all women respect in men........deb

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So I went out and albeit late, 1am and really didn't find much to surprise myself. The usual dominant guys looking for someone to take home, must be lovely to know how to do that.

 

Maybe with this date I answered my own long standing question, if I somehow had a date with someone I really liked it would still fall apart due to inexperience.

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you guys are on a defeatist journey...one path i dont feel is advantageous to take for either one of you.....take a different perspective....if you color all birds the same do you think that makes it easier to catch them.....be positive......attract birds of a different feather...be negative and you will attract more of the same birds...

 

ill tell you my flaw......to prove a point.....i feel often that guys only want me for one thing......and thats sex ...often felt its all im good for...because of my ex hooker status...lots of reasons why i felt this.......and when i dated those guys who groped me disrespected me..guess what i felt????....

 

well im not only good for sex....i deserve better and im waiting for that better to come my way....even though i have offers....i dont have to take them up....im more than what they see...much more...and so are you....feel that...you will find more...or more will find you.....deb

 

With due respect I have never attracted anything I have wanted but I am also wanting to experience the physical side of things. The point being if you pass a certain age with no experience then it's very tough to.

1 explain it

2 not show it.

 

It's clearly something that matters to most people. I have spent years looking for the relationship but found nothing, I then looked for experience and found that's even harder to get, well unless you pay which holds no attraction to me at all.

 

The irony is it's bad to have too much experience but it seems it's worse to have none at all

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So I went out and albeit late, 1am and really didn't find much to surprise myself. The usual dominant guys looking for someone to take home, must be lovely to know how to do that.

 

Maybe with this date I answered my own long standing question, if I somehow had a date with someone I really liked it would still fall apart due to inexperience.

 

I hate to say this...but maybe getting a beautiful high end escort wouldn't be the worst idea.

 

You'll get your experience and probably some good tips and then you can move forward with your life.

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I'm wondering if in your case ZA it might be worth just paying for some experience to get you on the horse so to speak.

 

My only concern is that that might lead to you going down that path and never trying to meet women.

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todreaminblue
I hate to say this...but maybe getting a beautiful high end escort wouldn't be the worst idea.

 

You'll get your experience and probably some good tips and then you can move forward with your life.

 

i am an ex escort......i am giving the same tips for free...i earned thousands of dollars...as a working girl....also as a stripper......... i am offerign the same tips i would getting paid other than the fact i am not having sex with him to show him how to move because honestly sex isnt the answer to confidence...as an ex escort i say that...i am trying to build confidence for free..sex free and money wise....being honest and up front........deb

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OnlyHonesty

Regardless of experience or age. There is one thing I notice with almost every similar forum post and that is a negative, and defeatist attitude. It's quite possible there is a self fulfilling prophecy.

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i am an ex escort......i am giving the same tips for free...i earned thousands of dollars...as a working girl....also as a stripper......... i am offerign the same tips i would getting paid other than the fact i am not having sex with him to show him how to move because honestly sex isnt the answer to confidence...as an ex escort i say that...i am trying to build confidence for free..sex free and money wise....being honest and up front........deb

 

I dunno - wouldn't there at least be a bit less pressure (pun intended!) if OP had at least had some sexual experience?

 

Sure, it's not going to immediately turn him into a suave sophisticated casinova, but it's gotta help...

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i am an ex escort......i am giving the same tips for free...i earned thousands of dollars...as a working girl....also as a stripper......... i am offerign the same tips i would getting paid other than the fact i am not having sex with him to show him how to move because honestly sex isnt the answer to confidence...as an ex escort i say that...i am trying to build confidence for free..sex free and money wise....being honest and up front........deb

 

Wow. That's brave of you to admit that stuff. The world is intrigued about women like you.

 

Getting back to OP's issues. I think if he does pay for sex once and he's no longer a virgin he might feel differently about himself and how he reacts to women.

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[...]

Getting back to OP's issues. I think if he does pay for sex once and he's no longer a virgin he might feel differently about himself and how he reacts to women.

 

Quite frankly, I doubt that it truly "unblocks" him. He is paying for sex, and that dynamic is very different than getting to know, or romantically pursuing a woman. The actual act of sex is very mundane in many ways, and I highly doubt that it is the hangup, maybe in the OP's mind it is.

 

But the problem is that he is not getting to that point. I have to think back, long back, I had female friends I could go clubbing or go to the movies with. I had male friends I could learn from. It's that social context that is missing as long as he arranges OLD dates or goes to an escort.

 

And yes, paying for an escort in itself bring a whole number of other issues with it.

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todreaminblue

the above posters have hit the escort thing on its head....an escort is a sure thing.....doesnt teach guys how to approach "normal" women...you flash cash you get sex...sure thing....no getting to know the hooker or escort....what matters to her ......what she feels...it isnt important.....

 

it also gives a false sense of worth...havign sexual experience when you have issues of confidence isnt goign to help land a date,,,,.. a hooker really doesnt care in most cases she doesnt plan on dating the guy and her express idea is to keep him coming back to pay.....not date the guy......so eh becomes her regular john.

 

most women dont want to be with guys who paid for it thats fact...its a high risk thing to do ..its a turn off for most women.......doesnt make a guy attrctive if that guy decides to do the right thing and be honest about his sexual experiences.....

 

 

i knew hookers who rorted vulnerable guys with the help of the house of coursebecause they get 40 per cent or around abouts..... out of their enitre bank accounts.....

 

adn then there are the guys who fall for the hooker...the ones who really want to eb ina steady relationship and the sex bonds them to the girl.....most escort houses have specific rules about this type of scenario..its forbidden...you make the guy a regular and take him for what he is got.....you dont see them out of house.not even as a friend..if you get found out....big trouble......

hookign aint the way to build any kind of confidence......doesnt relieve rpessure of loneliness...because the guy goes home to no one...no lasting relationship or even friendship...its a business transaction

the guy needs dating help and confidence and strategies that make him feel more confident...nto sex with a sure thing who takes his money and doesnt give a flying ...fig what happens at the end of the day to him....other than repeat on the cash..when he gets his paycheck..that isnt an ideal scenario to put a guy in who wants a lasting relationship with a loving woman..

 

i fight all the time quite passionately on this board about men seeing hookers because they arent succeeding in dating....and ill repeat..seeing a sure thing....doesnt help.....solve any issues.....other than a quick fix for his penis fluid.......deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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the above posters have hit the escort thing on its head....an escort is a sure thing.....doesnt teach guys how to approach "normal" women...you flash cash you get sex...sure thing....no getting to know the hooker or escort....what matters to her ......what she feels...it isnt important.....

 

it also gives a false sense of worth...havign sexual experience when you have issues of confidence isnt goign to help land a date,,,,.. a hooker really doesnt care in most cases she doesnt plan on dating the guy and her express idea is to keep him coming back to pay.....not date the guy......so eh becomes her regular john.

 

most women dont want to be with guys who paid for it thats fact...its a high risk thing to do ..its a turn off for most women.......doesnt make a guy attrctive if that guy decides to do the right thing and be honest about his sexual experiences.....

 

 

i knew hookers who rorted vulnerable guys with the help of the house of coursebecause they get 40 per cent or around abouts..... out of their enitre bank accounts.....

 

adn then there are the guys who fall for the hooker...the ones who really want to eb ina steady relationship and the sex bonds them to the girl.....most escort houses have specific rules about this type of scenario..its forbidden...you make the guy a regular and take him for what he is got.....you dont see them out of house.not even as a friend..if you get found out....big trouble......

hookign aint the way to build any kind of confidence......doesnt relieve rpessure of loneliness...because the guy goes home to no one...no lasting relationship or even friendship...its a business transaction

the guy needs dating help and confidence and strategies that make him feel more confident...nto sex with a sure thing who takes his money and doesnt give a flying ...fig what happens at the end of the day to him....other than repeat on the cash..when he gets his paycheck..that isnt an ideal scenario to put a guy in who wants a lasting relationship with a loving woman..

 

i fight all the time quite passionately on this board about men seeing hookers because they arent succeeding in dating....and ill repeat..seeing a sure thing....doesnt help.....solve any issues.....other than a quick fix for his penis fluid.......deb

 

OK.

 

Then maybe OP should just watch a lot of porn and get good tips. IDK. Whatever he's doing now isn't working.

 

OP, perhaps going to the gym and getting really fit might make it easier to get females interested.

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todreaminblue
Wow. That's brave of you to admit that stuff. The world is intrigued about women like you.

 

Getting back to OP's issues. I think if he does pay for sex once and he's no longer a virgin he might feel differently about himself and how he reacts to women.

 

more stupid than brave...my family and friends are aware though so i cant be outed to them ...already was outed....i dotn know about intrigue....my son wasnt intrigued he hung his head and cried when i had to say yes son, its true.....i was a hooker...my daughters went silent...and my dad disinherited me so the intrigue thing......only with guys who think it makes me fair game..im actually a celibate mormon now till marriage now theres intrigue...;0)...ill say what i was to help guys.....like the op......and ill fight passionately to try to do just that until i get too anxious say too much and ill go lick my wounds for a while......

 

since when is sex a cure all for confidence..being avirgin is about a state of mind....feeling less than he really should just because hsi penis hasnt found a car to plug a load in........

 

when its a sure thing in the first place.i have had more sex than a bus load of sailors..still i am insecure when it comes to undressing in front of a man i love..........i could take my gear off stripping i coudl take my gear off in a brothel...but put me with a guy i care about...and im that virgin girl again....

 

a guy doesnt have to work to know the girl or have any game or conversation skills...all he has to do is flash cash...and that doesnt help in the real world ...guys need game to land a date......they need fortitiude confidence courage and to be able to take rejection and keep trying..he also needs to keep his money fro a woman who loves him...take her on dates.......strategies to get over beign rejected would be far more helpful than a sure thing that knows when to moan to make a guy feel good temporarily.......thats fact.....deb

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I dislike these threads because they don't seem to go anywhere productive. OP, you need to be taking away some actionable item here.

 

The way it works is, it is on us to lead the mating dance forward. First of all, **good for you** for inviting her back to your place. She liked you enough to go back. At any point when she was back, did you:

--sit down and invite her to sit next to you

--compliment her and hold her hand

--put your arm around her?

--look her in the eye and see if she wanted you to kiss her (if you and she are in each other's personal.space and she is still looking at you that means go for it)

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todreaminblue
I dislike these threads because they don't seem to go anywhere productive. OP, you need to be taking away some actionable item here.

 

The way it works is, it is on us to lead the mating dance forward. First of all, **good for you** for inviting her back to your place. She liked you enough to go back. At any point when she was back, did you:

--sit down and invite her to sit next to you

--compliment her and hold her hand

--put your arm around her?

--look her in the eye and see if she wanted you to kiss her (if you and she are in each other's personal.space and she is still looking at you that means go for it)

 

productive post ......good post...deb

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She doesn't sound like much of a catch anyway and to be sleeping with you that quickly , have zero sensitivity , expect you to do everything, l hate her already - you dodged a very "shallow" bullet there my friend.

 

l think you'd be fine with the more average speed of a most girls but just don't set yourself up in such a sexual situation until you feel ready with her next time.

And yknow ,get into other stuff first over a few dates before biggie , play around a bit, build up to it over time.

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I dislike these threads because they don't seem to go anywhere productive. OP, you need to be taking away some actionable item here.

 

The way it works is, it is on us to lead the mating dance forward. First of all, **good for you** for inviting her back to your place. She liked you enough to go back. At any point when she was back, did you:

--sit down and invite her to sit next to you

--compliment her and hold her hand

--put your arm around her?

--look her in the eye and see if she wanted you to kiss her (if you and she are in each other's personal.space and she is still looking at you that means go for it)

 

Not bad advice. A guy once told me his way of getting girls to say "yes."

 

It was simple:

 

"Make her laugh and tell her she's pretty."

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If the OP is very inexperienced with women or the dating scene in general, the best way for me to become bold, patient, listening to what women likes or want is having a number of ladies friends in my younger years.

 

I was very close to many girls then, nothing ever happened sexually, some 'friendzoned' me but I stay and learned about women's psychology, their occasional mood swings, how to handle them, being their friend as a dude is a great way to be confident with women later.

 

Now about escorts, nah, I wouldn't recommend it in the case of Z, because it was aptly pointed out that handing her $200 and have sex or become a regular hoping to become her boyfriend work 1 out of 10000.

 

Note that I am pro-prostituion but not in the case of OP, he needs to have some social circles and meet some ladies friends, you learn a lot hanging out with them and it makes you a better boyfriend in the end.

 

Good luck Z, hope you eventually find what you're looking for.

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OatsAndHall

Z.. Just take it slow. The issue here isn't your lack of sexual experience. The issue is how you are responding to it. Go out on some dates and enjoy the company of women without the pretense of sex being involved. Dating experience is far more important than sexual experience. You're really looking at two options here:

 

1. Keep dating while consistently worrying about sex and missing out on meeting and getting to know women. You'll just be stuck in the same rut; your self-consciousness will get in the way, you'll struggle to develop the communication skills necessary to have fun dates and the cycle will just go on and on... You won't build self-esteem in the dating department which will basically guarantee you won't build self-esteem in the sack.

 

2. Go out on dates and tell yourself that you're not going to be intimate with a woman for awhile. Focus on the dating aspect of things and take it all at a pace you are comfortable with. Get some quality dates under your belt, get to know a woman well, fool around a little bit when the opportunity arises but just keep that boundary up. You don't have to tell them you don't have much sexual experience. You just let them know that you want to move slowly. Most women will respect you more for this, you'll develop a firm bond with a woman and it'll make intimacy easier. At the end of the day, most women aren't going to judge you for your lack of experience in bed if you're close emotionally. And, if they do, then I wouldn't want to date them anyway?

 

To be blunt, why would you want to go to bed with a woman after a few dates when you're not comfortable with you're lack of experience there anyway? That's not good for your mental health, whatsoever.

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