Mid 30s virgin chasing her dream man

[newen]

I'm sorry this is long but I feel like I have to give a history before I get to what I need advice with.

 

I am mid 30s female virgin. The reasons behind these are complex. I have a very pretty face, great education, have an amazing job. I travel tons, have loads of friends, and a great personality and people always approach me to make friends. But I guess the main reason I just never got a boyfriend was that up until a few years ago I was seriously overweight. I don't what happened but like 3 years ago something switched in my mind and I have slowly lost 100 pounds. I'm am now a US 10 to 12 but I'm 5 ft 8 so I look smaller but I am still aiming to lose another 50 pounds. So here's the thing, before I lost the weight I got zero and I mean zero male attention. I always had a lot of guy friends who clearly enjoyed my company but none of them ever saw me other than a bud. I do feel it is really sad that now I've lost the weight men are showing a romantic interest to the point where I feel freaked out as I'm so not used to this. I have told nobody I know I am still a virgin everybody thinks I must have hooked up with someone somewhere. Anyway I recently tried a dating app and met a few guys, had my first kiss - yeah I know. Thankfully instincts kicked in and he didn't realise at all. Now I've met a guy who I do not anticipate seeing longterm but I guess he'll be fine for losing my virginity.

 

Basically meeting this guy online and losing my virginity to him is part of a bigger project to get on with my life and build what I feel I want and deserve. I work on projects so my work is fluid and I go to lots of different companies. For the past six months I have been working intensively on a project with a guy who is, and I am not kidding here, my dream man. He is unbelievably good looking, if I could write down my ideal man it would be him. He is late 30s tall, head turning handsome to the point where women stare at him when he walks into a bar, well dressed, he is confident, educated, great job, ambitious, he does annoy other people as he is quite assertive and can dominate a situation but we compliment each other well. We developed a very close friendship right from the beginning and we hang out a ton. I was fatter for the first part of the friendship but now I've lost some more weight he seems to be noticing me physically. He tells me I look good, comments if I am wearing something new. He always says how we make such a great team. How we get on so well. He asks me to lunch like three to four times a week. We leave the rest of the people on our team and the company we are based in and go to lunch to try different restaurants. We hang out after work for drinks or dinner. Message each other outside of work. He can be very abrupt with other people on our team and definitely directs them firmly and I know they are going around calling him a jackass but he never ever does that with me. He is so nice to me it's embarrassing. Once I made an error which could have been very serious and he immediately took what I was doing, tried to fix it and then took the fall for me. It turned out to be not so bad but anyone else and he would have hung them out in a second - I have seen him do this for lesser mistakes. But with me me he spent ages trying to fix it, then took the blame with the company we're working with completely airbrushing me out of the whole situation making out that he had had been working on the thing by himself the whole time, and then took me out after work for a drink and did his best to make me feel better by trying to convince me that it actually was his fault as he should have showed me how to do it better (this is not true - what I screwed up is my area of expertise and he does not really know about it)!

 

So our project is coming to an end and he is moving on to a much better job at another company. He has suggested that it does not matter that we will not work together anymore because we will still stay in touch, he said that because he lives in the same neighborhood as my dad (who I see a couple of times a week) we can meet for dinner easier. I am pretty shy and reserved when it comes to men so all of this has been instigated by him like the lunches, the dinners, the majority of our messages. I guess he likes me - as a friend or more who knows but we will stay in each other's life. The deal is he is not short of female attention and I know he has lots of hookups. He does not tell me about this but might mention some girl he is seeing and then asks me if I am seeing someone at the moment. He had an ex for 14 years and she cheated on him. He had now been single for two years. He has told told me twice in the last six months that he is now done with hooking up and is looking for a girlfriend. And I don't know if I am imagining this but he seemed to be looking meaningfully at me as he was saying this. But I guess that is just wishful thinking on my part. Unfortunately right at the beginning of our friendship he asked me about exes and I panicked and told him I had had a significant relationship I had come out of. This was not a complete pathalogical lie as I had a very strange, deep friendship with a guy and we totally had a weird non sexual relationship (I'm pretty sure he was a virgin too). Anyway I was hurt by this man and it did take me a year to get over him. I am worried that I have lied to this guy a lie I have compounded because I do talk about this "ex" from time to time because I was so key to certain situations in my life. I guess I would have to confess at some point... Anyway I am going to lose my virginity to someone else as I feel I need to have a little experience before I have boyfriend so I am not looking for this guy to be my first and I'm sure he would guess immediately and back off.

 

Now that we are going our separate ways and with my lack of experience I have literally no idea how to move this forward. I am guessing he has some sort of interest given that he has said several times 'we will still see each other right?' and even if he was giving signals and indicating interest I am so scared I am not responding how an experienced woman would (clearly he sees me as an experienced women in her mid 30s so would not make allowances that you might make for someone inexperienced). If things don't work out for legitimate reasons, or if I am imagining all of this then fine. But I would hate for him to have feelings for me and for me to not pick up on them and potentially lose him because of my inexperience.

Edited April 29, 2017 by newen

[smackie9]

If he has feelings for you, it will be up to him to pursue you. You just need to keep doing what you are doing...being the wonderful driven person that you have become....keep blossoming

[preraph]

Before he leaves, write down your phone number and e-mail and just hand it to him and tell him to let you know how it's going once he gets settled in his new job. Don't leave it all up to him. I am assuming you are a little hard to read because of your virgin status and maybe not real outgoing. So just give that info to him -- or email it to him or whatever if you have his company email.

[d0nnivain]

That was a very long post & I didn't read it all. Congrats on the weight loss though.

 

 

Do you want a relationship with this guy or just to lose your virginity to him?

 

 

If the later, invite him to your place for "dinner." Wear something sexy & have candles available. He'll get the point because he's done this before.

 

 

If you want to be his GF drop some hint about being melancholy about the end of the project & ask if you two will still keep in touch. Smile & perhaps gently touch his arm as you say this. If he likes you he will ask for a date. If he doesn't suggest an outing he is not interested in dating you but he'd probably still be open to having sex with you.

[newheart]

I guess I am confused - you are talking about two different men, correct?

 

1. A guy you met online: "Now I've met a guy who I do not anticipate seeing longterm but I guess he'll be fine for losing my virginity. Basically meeting this guy online and losing my virginity to him is part of a bigger project to get on with my life and build what I feel I want and deserve."

2. The male colleague who you presently work with and are interested in, but the work project is ending and you are hoping to continue seeing him for something to develop

 

I guess I am curious - why are you looking to quickly lose your virginity with some random internet guy? I know you said to move along with your life, but losing your virginity to someone is not going to suddenly make you "experienced" ... I guess if it were me, I'd rather lost it with the man I am interested with. Unless I have it all wrong, which is possible! lol

 

Either way - congrats on the weight loss!

[act00]

You spent a lot of time describing what a dick this man is to other people. Do you really want to align yourself with that kind of man? How long before he starts being a dick towards you? Especially when you don't meet whatever standard he has in his head? He's going to treat you every bit as badly as these other people.

 

You're also playing around with some other man's head. Maybe this other guy is after a romp and he'll hump and dump in quick order, which serves your purpose, but what I want to know is if he is interested in you long term, and you're just using him. Are you toying with his mind and playing with his emotions? Are you going to use him long enough to pop your cherry and then kick him to the curb? What is this guy expecting? Does he know he only has one purpose? K, thx, bye.

 

I hope this man turns out to be worth it. I hope he always treats you well. He sounds like a jerk, and it's just a matter of time before he starts snapping your head off like he does other people. I worry that in your inexperience and what seems like desperation on your part, you'll settle with whatever you can get, and he's all hot and handsome and fits your physical characteristic list of bonus points, so you'll put up with him treating you like dirt. Tread carefully here. Please pay attention to red flags and be careful with this one.

 

Another thought. Let's just say he turns out to be your Prince Charming and he treats you well, always. You will still live a lonely existence because he treats everyone else like crap. No one will invite you to their outings, BBQs, happy hour, or the kids' birthday party because you will bring him along, as your husband. You are a social unit. And he's a dick. No one likes him. They won't invite you because of him.

 

I know he's handsome, successful, and confident, and he is described as a jackass. Again, do you really want to align yourself with that? How long before he treats you as badly as the other people?