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Love her, but can't have her. Do I date another girl?


Radarsat

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Hey all,

 

The title pretty much spells it out. I've been in love with this girl for almost a year. We've been off an on a couple of times. We're best friends. She does actually love me according to her best of friends, not just her. But due to her last marriage and raising four young children on her own, she does not want to label anything and feels that she needs to work on herself for a while before getting into a relationship.

 

She knows how much I love her, but I also feel that when she does want to date, she may not pick me as an option. She actually has said that. Not that she wouldn't she says. She just doesn't like to promise and would like to keep her options open. It stings. Especially considering she tells me (and her friends) that she loves me. She calls/texts multiple times each day, but only wants friends (with the odd night of sex) for now.

 

I'll be 39 this year and I'm feeling like I really want to settle down again. I separated from my ex in August 2015 and I feel like my time is running out. I love this girl to death, but I'm worried I'm wasting my time with her despite her wanting me in her life constantly.

 

I have a neighbour in my apartment with 2 kids as well who has a much more stable life. She's gorgeous and I'm pretty sure she has some interest in me. A friend who knows her told me she thought I was handsome and really sweet. Do I pull back from the woman I love and go for this other, also incredibly beautiful and sweet woman? I guess I'm lonely and I want someone who truly wants me. Any advice is really appreciated.

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Love her but can't have her. Date another girl!

 

Here, I fixed the title for you...

 

Good luck, carry on, don't look back.

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If something was going to happen it would have by now....she loves you but isn't in love with you. When it's off and on....it's never going to work. Date other women and find one that knows she wants to have a future with you.

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She knows how much I love her, but I also feel that when she does want to date, she may not pick me as an option. She actually has said that.

 

Never put your life on hold for anyone especially when they're telling you that you may likely end up being an option.

 

Yes, move on. Explore your opportunities.

 

PS: I think when she hears you're out there dating again, she may try to rope you back in. This is where she has to make the decision as to whether she wants to have a go at it or if she's just liking the fact that you're a safe place. Make sure you don't get sucked in.

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I'm seeing these responses, and while I shouldn't be surprised, I'm panicking and I'm so depressed. I'm scared. We're supposed to go out for lunch tomorrow while her friend watches her kids. Am I being unfair to her by letting her think I'm okay with all of this (friendship)?

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Hey all,

 

The title pretty much spells it out. I've been in love with this girl for almost a year. We've been off an on a couple of times. We're best friends. She does actually love me according to her best of friends, not just her. But due to her last marriage and raising four young children on her own, she does not want to label anything and feels that she needs to work on herself for a while before getting into a relationship.

 

She knows how much I love her, but I also feel that when she does want to date, she may not pick me as an option. She actually has said that. Not that she wouldn't she says. She just doesn't like to promise and would like to keep her options open. It stings. Especially considering she tells me (and her friends) that she loves me. She calls/texts multiple times each day, but only wants friends (with the odd night of sex) for now.

 

I'll be 39 this year and I'm feeling like I really want to settle down again. I separated from my ex in August 2015 and I feel like my time is running out. I love this girl to death, but I'm worried I'm wasting my time with her despite her wanting me in her life constantly.

 

I have a neighbour in my apartment with 2 kids as well who has a much more stable life. She's gorgeous and I'm pretty sure she has some interest in me. A friend who knows her told me she thought I was handsome and really sweet. Do I pull back from the woman I love and go for this other, also incredibly beautiful and sweet woman? I guess I'm lonely and I want someone who truly wants me. Any advice is really appreciated.

 

Finalize your divorce. Separated is still legally married.

 

To answer the title question: yes--look into the woman with 2 kids. She's told you that she doesn't view you in this way and you need to respect that.

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I'm seeing these responses, and while I shouldn't be surprised, I'm panicking and I'm so depressed. I'm scared. We're supposed to go out for lunch tomorrow while her friend watches her kids. Am I being unfair to her by letting her think I'm okay with all of this (friendship)?

 

The only person that you're being unfair to is yourself.

 

You keep lying to yourself by being in a friendship with someone when you desire more for your life.

 

Be honest and open to her and tell you what you truly want and if she cannot give you that, you tell her that you need to move on. The longer you stay in this the more hurt you will likely experience.

 

If and when she decides to date again, trust you'll fall down and very dark rabbit hole.

 

Be fair to YOURSELF.

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(funny how the time limit to edit is so arbitrary)

 

To add to my previous thread:

 

Ms. 4 kids told you that she doesn't view you in this way and you need to respect that.

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I'm seeing these responses, and while I shouldn't be surprised, I'm panicking and I'm so depressed. I'm scared. We're supposed to go out for lunch tomorrow while her friend watches her kids. Am I being unfair to her by letting her think I'm okay with all of this (friendship)?

 

No, you're being unfair to yourself.

 

I'd straight up tell her what you want, which is not to be her friend, but her man. If you want to keep her as a friend, then prepare yourself for her talking about her feelings for other men that she's dating because that's what one talks about with their friends.

 

In the meantime, you need to be getting to know Ms. 2 Kids.

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I'm not sure I have the courage to tell her. I feel like I'll be justifying her complaints int he past that I blow up eventually saying that I can't be her friend. She has anxiety (major) over people abandoning her in her life.

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If she loves you as the man in her life, then wait on her.

 

If she loves you as a friend, then don't wait on her---that may never turn out the way you want, especially if you're afraid to open your mouth and ask for what you want. She's not a mind reader and neither are you. All of this is speculation outside of a conversation to find out what page you're on.

 

I'm not about to encourage you to go down a path that may end up with you getting hurt.

 

Wait on her if you have that kind of time and are cool with uncertain outcomes.

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I'm not sure I have the courage to tell her. I feel like I'll be justifying her complaints int he past that I blow up eventually saying that I can't be her friend. She has anxiety (major) over people abandoning her in her life.

 

I think you don't have the courage to hear the truth, if you tell her.

 

Her anxiety or issues with people abandoning her doesn't justify you sticking around and coddling someone that is telling you that you may only be an option in her life. I bet she won't have an issue when she starts dating to dismiss your hurt by telling you she was upfront about what she wanted all along.

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I'm not sure I have the courage to tell her. I feel like I'll be justifying her complaints in the past that I blow up eventually saying that I can't be her friend. She has anxiety (major) over people abandoning her in her life.

 

So you've already been down this path and are trying to find a way to talk yourself into a holding pattern so you can deal with waiting on her.

 

Are they "abandoning" her because she's unable to give them what they want? Do her friends abandon her, too? Most likely no, but she also doesn't want to form romantic liaisons with them.

 

The fact is: you can't be her friend when you yearn for her to be your lover until you've weaned yourself off of the drug called "wanting her". That's going to take some time out of her presence in order for you to be able to withstand the feelings she will send towards you to hook you back in once you've returned.

 

But if you have that kind of time to wait... you sounded like you were a bit over this waiting game already.

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She is only lukewarm about you. Who needs that? I mean, fine sex once in awhile, but for a mate? No. That won't change. She doesn't love you. If she did, she wouldn't be lukewarm. You should definitely date others.

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I'm not sure I have the courage to tell her. I feel like I'll be justifying her complaints int he past that I blow up eventually saying that I can't be her friend. She has anxiety (major) over people abandoning her in her life.

 

If she makes this complaint, remind her that you'd be her partner is a shot if she was willing. But as it isn't an option, she will have to live without you.

 

Don't accept her doing the victim thing - this is a problem of her own making. Makes me wonder how many of her previous abandonment issues are legitimate.

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