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Dating a Great Girl...BUT....


TunaInTheBrine

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TunaInTheBrine

Been dating someone for a few weeks who I really like and looks great on paper. But one thing I've noticed about her though is she has a very argumentative personality, is always trying to debate in conversations (e.g. always saying "I disagree with that" is her favorite), and it really bothers me. I often feel she is more interested in telling me her opinion on everything than in getting to know who I am as a person and who we could be together as a couple. I'm all for the occasional verbal sparring, but this just isn't sexy and especially so constantly and early on in the relationship. I feel she holds back a lot in emotional sharing as well.

 

Otherwise though, she really is great. She can be really nice, is healthy, and we have a ton of similar hobbies, values, interests, etc... I think she could be a potential great match but I feel like her arguing with me is always getting in the way. When I tried to bring it up with her, not surprisingly, she got defensive and tried to assert to me that that's the way she wants to connect with people :eek:

 

Is this one worth trying to work on? I don't think she's very relationship experienced and I think it's going to take a lot of patience on my part that I could potentially have, but in the process, I'm going to lose all my sexy feelings.

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You share a lot of values and interests, so what are her arguments? Is she forever playing the devil's advocate despite your values are the same, or are you on opposing ends to a lot of issues?

 

Personally, I would not want a relationship with that high level of conflict. At some point you don't even want to discuss anything at all, no matter how trivial, because they will have some opposing opinion. Must we really argue over mayonnaise vs. Miracle Whip?

 

She is who she is, and for her, this is how she wants to manage her communication. I don't know how well it works out for her with her other friends, coworkers, etc. I just wouldn't want to do it as a romantic partner. If I can't talk about my day without my partner sparring with me, instead of letting me vent or talk about something interesting without a conflicting opinion, I just don't want to it. She likely won't change until she notices her social contacts are dropping like flies and a few people tell her why.

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MountainGirl111

When you say she "looks good on paper", what do you mean by that?

 

Does that mean she keeps her facebook profile looking good, takes great pictures, presents well, has a good credit history? Has a good "history"? Good connections?

.

I get what you are getting at though....when all someone wants to do is argue with me or "prove a point", that's a turn off.

 

It sounds like she meets several of the requirements you dig in a gal, but you say she is inexperienced? That may be. That can be refreshing too though.

 

But, when someone is so hell-bent on asserting their opinions, that can sometimes be an indicator they are trying to come across as being confident. And maybe she really is confident. But sometimes that's a smokescreen too.

 

It sounds like perhaps you'd just like it if she listened to YOU more and therefore you would feel she was more into you.

 

Then again, you could be dealing with a very head-strong person and that may or may not work well with you.

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I'd say it's time to let this one go. She is who she is. Accept her and her argumentative personality or part ways.

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she got defensive and tried to assert to me that that's the way she wants to connect with people :eek:

 

There's your answer.

This brought to mind a guy whom I went on a few dates with a long time ago who informed me that having arguments was a crucial part of the honeymoon phase. WTF?

He was the biggest nut job I've ever met as yet and was a complete button pusher. Utter fruit bat.

I got away as quick as I could

She doesn't sound as bad as him - he gas lit and just allsorts!

But, your answer is in what you posted - that's her way and it sounds incompatible with yours.

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Its definitely not my cup of tea either it is true that some people connect with others by sparring with them. I read that once in John Gottmans book when he was talking about matching personality types in relationships. He said that people who like to spar to connect match well with others who like to spar to connect, but not with others who don't like to spar. And people who like to be sweet to their partner match well with others who like to be sweet in return to their partner. The more you are different in these traits, the more you will need marriage counseling and higher chance you won't stay together!

Edited by Popsicle
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I'm female, and I have an old girlfriend who contradicts everything I say almost and then says I'M being negative. It gets old. I wouldn't marry it.

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Tuna,this is strange as I had dated a lady just like this many years ago. We had a summer accounting class together (not knowing each other at the time). I surveyed the room at the beginning of the semester choosing her as my favorite to get to know. I asked her out and after a couple of conversations, she accepted. We dated for about 6 months, she a valedictorian of my alma mater. She too had this habit of "disagreeing" with things during a casual conversation. I might say, I think the sky is blue and she'd respond with, "really, the sky is black but appears blue because...." or I'd say I heard it was supposed to rain tomorrow but she'd say something that would contradict what I'd said... These were little things that don't really matter...

 

This became so tiresome that the attitude or demeanor completely overshadowed her looks and intellect that I soon completely dropped her. I know what you're saying. It is exhausting!

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Buckle up for this ride!

 

I went on one date...one, with a woman that was so argumentative that I was seriously thinking about crawling out the bathroom window to sneak off in the darkness...

 

Every single conversation was torture! I cut ties, wished her luck and she continued to call and text. She just couldn't understand how brutal it was trying to have a conversation with her. She said "people just don't understand me" so often that I told her to get that tattooed on her forehead, jokingly, of course.

 

Oh, the worst part was after I politely told her that we weren't happening, she wanted me to help her with her personality. I um declined.

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TunaInTheBrine

I did tell her I thought she had an argumentative personality and that I sometimes felt she didn't take as much interest in getting to know me when opportunities would arise, but that instead she seems to insert some opposing opinion or thought.

 

She seemed to get pretty angry and I think she actually turned things around on me by accusing me of seeking a submissive girlfriend who will agree with everything I say, and then she said that she now thinks I'm a potential domestic violence risk (WTF?!?) because I confronted her and told her she comes off sometimes as being argumentative. Still, I was persistent in telling her how much I do like her, and that I am saying all of this to her because I care and am prioritizing the connection aspect of our developing relationship. But somehow I'm now the bad guy. Mind absolutely blown.

 

We're supposed to meet up tomorrow night to try and make sense out of this, but I get the vibe now that she's going to back out. I think her ego took a strong hit when I let her know how I experienced her, even if I also told her at the same time how much I liked her and was really just hoping to get to know each other better without so much intellectual arguing. I don't think she can detach from her ego and is going to prefer breaking things off with me so she doesn't have to take a look at herself.

 

The thing is, I really do like her, and I think she has a lot of girlfriend potential, but I am just not seeing any evidence here of a woman who knows how to tolerate conflict or who is going to work through communication issues with love in mind. She is very inexperienced with dating and has what sounds like a serious trauma history. From what I can tell, she doesn't seem to be someone who likes to admit fault and uses her passive-aggressive opinion tendencies to channel her aggression from her trauma history. If that's the case, I'm not sure I'm up for the ride. But like I said, I DO really like her. I just think she needs a good five more years of dating and life experience before she can be ready for something real. I have no problem dating women who have had a trauma history as long as they have enough healing behind them to actually enter into a relationship.

 

I think I'd be a good presence in her life if I can be patient with her, but I have needs too, and I don't want to be a sucker and get into some passive-aggressive relationship where I'm constantly being judged, misunderstood, and evaluated. Tell me if I'm wrong, but that's not what love is about.

Edited by TunaInTheBrine
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Okay then you accept and tolerate her argumentative personality. Say no more. Deal with it! She's not going to change for anyone, not even you.

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Maybe over time she will learn to pick her arguments - not sweat the small stuff. Right now it sounds like she has a lot to learn on that front.

 

The problem is that with a person who is at the stage she is at there is no point in talking about it. It's inevitable that no compromise will happen and it will just be another argument.

 

Good luck for when you meet her to talk about this but I don't see it going well at all.

 

It really is a case of leave if you can't tolerate this, otherwise just put up and shut up basically.

 

With the comment about being abusive - sorry to say but I think she may well be projecting.

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Some people especially women , just argue about everything .

Sometimes those types are a bit effd up or all caught up in the trying to prove they're a strong women thing, yawn .

Or one of 10 other thing and then some people are simply just like that but either way, tis a pain in the ass and probably won't change from what l've seen.

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todreaminblue

when i have discussions with anyone including partners my first aim is to establish common ground..something to come back to.....and then discuss tangents that differ.....i think it would get old to have constant fights....tiring ...where as discussions should feel exciting invigorating learning different perspectives can be cool.....even if you dont agree with them...you said that you tried to talk to her and she got defensive ...did you ask her why she felt defensive......maybe you could try again and apologise say it wasnt your intention to make her feel defensive...show her yoru easy going ways let it rub off on her....let her absorb your generous nature..i say thi seven though it sounds stupid....i find it works witht eh most honary peoples....hard cases....if that doesnt work i tei them to ceiling fans.....or warn them i will

 

.... you arent out to make her feel on the defend...and then try a different tack.....sail those waters...or put the ship in dry dock and let it go....and her too if you feel her communication style is not something you can deal with or adapt or talk about..i hope she might lsiten to you....

 

nothing on paper is ever the same as real life....even if it looks really good and perfect....theres always a flaw....unless its gospel......deb

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She may be a very argumentative/prickly type of person but she may have a point.

Are you indeed attracted to more "submissive" or "yes" females and are thus used to women who either will agree with you 99% of the time, or will choose to hold their tongue so as not to rock any boats?

 

Is she playing devil's advocate a lot to stimulate conversation, or does she see the world in an entirely different way from you and is determined to tell you where you are going wrong?

 

If it is the latter then I can hardly see her as long term gf material, unless gf material to you only means a hot body and great sex...

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If you insist in getting into a relationship with this girl, you need to have 2 very important words in your vocabulary, and use them often....

 

Yes Dear.

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But one thing I've noticed about her though is she has a very argumentative personality, is always trying to debate in conversations (e.g. always saying "I disagree with that" is her favorite), and it really bothers me. I often feel she is more interested in telling me her opinion on everything than in getting to know who I am as a person and who we could be together as a couple.

 

TBH she sounds irritating. Feel free to work on this relationship but if I were you I'd keep my options open.

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I did tell her I thought she had an argumentative personality and that I sometimes felt she didn't take as much interest in getting to know me when opportunities would arise, but that instead she seems to insert some opposing opinion or thought.

 

She seemed to get pretty angry and I think she actually turned things around on me by accusing me of seeking a submissive girlfriend who will agree with everything I say, and then she said that she now thinks I'm a potential domestic violence risk (WTF?!?) because I confronted her and told her she comes off sometimes as being argumentative. Still, I was persistent in telling her how much I do like her, and that I am saying all of this to her because I care and am prioritizing the connection aspect of our developing relationship. But somehow I'm now the bad guy. Mind absolutely blown.

 

We're supposed to meet up tomorrow night to try and make sense out of this, but I get the vibe now that she's going to back out. I think her ego took a strong hit when I let her know how I experienced her, even if I also told her at the same time how much I liked her and was really just hoping to get to know each other better without so much intellectual arguing. I don't think she can detach from her ego and is going to prefer breaking things off with me so she doesn't have to take a look at herself.

 

The thing is, I really do like her, and I think she has a lot of girlfriend potential, but I am just not seeing any evidence here of a woman who knows how to tolerate conflict or who is going to work through communication issues with love in mind. She is very inexperienced with dating and has what sounds like a serious trauma history. From what I can tell, she doesn't seem to be someone who likes to admit fault and uses her passive-aggressive opinion tendencies to channel her aggression from her trauma history. If that's the case, I'm not sure I'm up for the ride. But like I said, I DO really like her. I just think she needs a good five more years of dating and life experience before she can be ready for something real. I have no problem dating women who have had a trauma history as long as they have enough healing behind them to actually enter into a relationship.

 

I think I'd be a good presence in her life if I can be patient with her, but I have needs too, and I don't want to be a sucker and get into some passive-aggressive relationship where I'm constantly being judged, misunderstood, and evaluated. Tell me if I'm wrong, but that's not what love is about.

 

Please get out of this. She screams "whacko" to me.

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TunaInTheBrine
Please get out of this. She screams "whacko" to me.

 

I did. I called off meeting up and suggested we just let go now.

 

The more I thought about it the more I realized this person is beyond reasoning with and has too many issues I'm not willing to work with. I honestly think if we met up she would have continued to irritate the crap out of me and not be willing to see her role in things. She's up there with some of the most inflexible minds I've encountered. A truly dodged bullet for me.

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I did. I called off meeting up and suggested we just let go now.

 

The more I thought about it the more I realized this person is beyond reasoning with and has too many issues I'm not willing to work with. I honestly think if we met up she would have continued to irritate the crap out of me and not be willing to see her role in things. She's up there with some of the most inflexible minds I've encountered. A truly dodged bullet for me.

 

Awesome! You probably did the best thing. You certainly did the right thing for you at this time. There is a lot to be said for enduring things and there is a lot to be said for realizing that some things can't be fixed.

 

Good luck.

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