initiation problem

[avvril3000]

I'll try to make this brief and not boring.

 

I have a great relationship thats lasted for a while, we've talked about future plans and even children one day, we are great at communicating. we are best friends and laugh, and be silly, and have GREAT sex. He is everything i want in a man and a relationship. We talk openly and truthly together and i trust him completely.

 

So this morning in bed after he said "sorry we didnt have sex last night", i asked him if i could discuss something candidly with him, and after he said yes, i bought something up that has been bothering me a bit. Its not a massive thing and i think he made it more than it was, or maybe not. I brought up the fact that more than often , when i make advances for sex, he says he is tired (which is true) or not in the mood, and that this has been happening for almost a year now. at first , he was taken back and surprised. he said "but we have GREAT sex" and i'm like "i know! we do! but what im saying isnt really about sex itself, its just that often when im in the mood, it seems like you're too tired or got other things on the mind and you reject my advances either physically or verbally". I explained that over time, ive come to stop trying to initiate for fear of rejection, and just let him come to me when he is feeling frisky. Which happens a lot, at least 3/4 times a week, im not worried about the quantity of sex. its all about my advances and his response to it, and after a while, the rejection (he doesnt like he using that word coz it says its overly harsh) eats me up and i have to admit, it doesnt make me feel very sexy.

 

Btw, i am doing nothing different from my advances earlier on.

 

Long discussion, made short, he started feeling terrible and couldn't look at me for a while, and i asked him why and he said that he is really embarassed and "i'm embarrassed because the woman i love tells me that i dont satisfy her sexually" and i tried to make it clear that its actually not at all about the quality of the sex.

 

He said "but what if i AM really tired? what if i actually can't get it up coz i'm exhausted a lot. you know i have a lot going on in my life lately!" and thats where i feel like i was suddenly being selfish for bringing it up. Because he is allowed to be tired, we both work hard jobs that require a lot out of us, and at the same time, he is going through some big life things right now. and now i feel guilty for putting one more thing on his stress list.

 

I seriously didnt mean to make him feel so terrible. i actually brought it up to have an adult discussion about how to make things great for us, because i DO want a long lasting relationship with him and i want us to survive the years and not sweep things under the rug when stuff comes up.

 

Was it wrong to bring it up? Is this what people normally do in healthy relationships even at the result of hurting your partner a bit? Maybe i should have kept it to myself and worked on more solutions around it.

 

at the end of the day, he assures me that he is absolutely attracted to me and crazy about me, and i know i'm attractive so i'm not worried about that at all. i guess im just wondering if i did the right thing bringing this up or have i just made a new issue occur now that he is aware of it?

 

thanks......

[BikerAccnt]

In my opinion there is never anything wrong with telling your partner about something that is on your mind and that has been bothering you. It's out in the open and can be worked on, discussed, or whatever.

 

He may well have been tired, not in the mood, whatever. He may also not have been aware how his rejections were making you feel. Now he does. It's up to him now do decide what to do about it.

 

I'm not surprised he felt like you were blaming/attacking him. Talking about sexual issues is hard. No one wasn't to feel they are letting their partner down.

 

I completely understand, as I've had a similar discussion with my GF a few weeks ago. I'm quite a bit older than you, and my issue has to deal with age and "ability" but, my GF was convinced the problem was her. I had no idea how much it was bothering her, until she brought it up. The conversation was needed and helped. Hopefully, your BF will appreciate the fact that you are comfortable enough with him to even bring it up for discussion. I think that says a lot.

 

You weren't wrong to bring it up, keeping things bottled up is what would have been wrong. That only leads to resentment.

[avvril3000]

In my opinion there is never anything wrong with telling your partner about something that is on your mind and that has been bothering you. It's out in the open and can be worked on, discussed, or whatever.

 

He may well have been tired, not in the mood, whatever. He may also not have been aware how his rejections were making you feel. Now he does. It's up to him now do decide what to do about it.

 

I'm not surprised he felt like you were blaming/attacking him. Talking about sexual issues is hard. No one wasn't to feel they are letting their partner down.

 

I completely understand, as I've had a similar discussion with my GF a few weeks ago. I'm quite a bit older than you, and my issue has to deal with age and "ability" but, my GF was convinced the problem was her. I had no idea how much it was bothering her, until she brought it up. The conversation was needed and helped. Hopefully, your BF will appreciate the fact that you are comfortable enough with him to even bring it up for discussion. I think that says a lot.

 

You weren't wrong to bring it up, keeping things bottled up is what would have been wrong. That only leads to resentment.

 

Thank you. I really appreciate your words. Especially coming from a man's perspective. I was really worried i caused more of an issue by bringing it up, but i see that its good to talk about things. I guess i'm not very good at it, or i feel guilty afterwards for upsetting my partner.

 

but thank you!

[VeveCakes]

It almost seems like he is gaslighting. How often do you have sex? The only time I was rejected in bed was by my ex constantly and it turned out he was cheating with hookers. Take that for what it is. When I confronted him he freaked out and made it out like I was some slut for wanting my bf to have sex with me.

[avvril3000]

It almost seems like he is gaslighting. How often do you have sex? The only time I was rejected in bed was by my ex constantly and it turned out he was cheating with hookers. Take that for what it is. When I confronted him he freaked out and made it out like I was some slut for wanting my bf to have sex with me.

 

i should have known someone would make a way out of line comment here.

 

to answer your question...

uhhh, because i know him and he has never given me any reason to not trust him. like none at all. He is the sweetest guy ive ever met. and he shows me everyday how much he adores me in other gestures in our relationship.

 

also he is definitely not a narcissist. i know the signs - i used to be with one. i honeslty dont think there is any ill intent in his rejections, but i cant help how it makes me feel sometimes.

[avvril3000]

It almost seems like he is gaslighting. How often do you have sex? The only time I was rejected in bed was by my ex constantly and it turned out he was cheating with hookers. Take that for what it is. When I confronted him he freaked out and made it out like I was some slut for wanting my bf to have sex with me.

 

Sorry i sounded really defensive in my last comment to you. I appreciate your view on things. in this case, i think its not correct.

[VeveCakes]

But you didn't answer my question.

 

Also it is not out of line whatsoever. My boyfriend was amazing! He showered me with love and affection and was a perfect bf - but rejected me sexually after 4 months and the rejection grew grew and grew. There's more to my story but I'm sure you won't believe it.

 

The point is when a man is rejecting you all the time sexually 99% of the time they are cheating or not sexually attracted. I am NOT saying that is your case but I am saying open your eyes and pay attention. This is literally the same story played over and over on this forum. "Not my man" "I know him too well" "he would never do that".

 

Just be aware there are other explanations than what he gives you.

[avvril3000]

But you didn't answer my question.

 

Also it is not out of line whatsoever. My boyfriend was amazing! He showered me with love and affection and was a perfect bf - but rejected me sexually after 4 months and the rejection grew grew and grew. There's more to my story but I'm sure you won't believe it.

 

The point is when a man is rejecting you all the time sexually 99% of the time they are cheating or not sexually attracted. I am NOT saying that is your case but I am saying open your eyes and pay attention. This is literally the same story played over and over on this forum. "Not my man" "I know him too well" "he would never do that".

 

Just be aware there are other explanations than what he gives you.

 

 

To answer you question, we have sex about 4 times a week. All his advances. But when i do it, more often than not, he is tired.

[preraph]

Well, I would just say that neither of you should agree to have sex if you are too tired for it. And I bet you have been, and I bet he would have been upset about you saying no just as you are with him.

 

So that road goes both ways and you should let him know that from now on you too will feel free to decline when you're beat.

 

But also, be sure there's not some other reason. I'm not saying there is but some guys have a masturbation and/or porn schedule that may dictate when they are in the mood or not. There's different scenarious. One is too much porn so he's not ready for you all the time. The other is he is relying on porn BEFORE he comes to make love to you to get him ready. So it's just something to consider. Otherwise, it's just a matter of you realizing it's not personal and for him to understand when you too have times you're not ready for sex.

[Titanll]

Welcome to a relationship that is out of balance. Sex with your SO is not a job or hard work.

 

Lash out at me if you like but your SO is selfish. Treat him like a child and withhold from him until he gets the picture. Or ignore advice and watch for the "creep" of this into other areas of your relationship.

 

I dealt with this garbage once. If I initiated, it was almost a sure thing that it was shot down. I turned the tables and then it became an important issue. By the time we actually had honest conversations about the problem the damage was done for me and I ended the relationship. I have a zero tolerance policy for bull like this. YMMV.

 

I mean, honestly, where does it stop? What if he's too tired to kiss your cheek or hold your hand in public? Is that ok?

[avvril3000]

Well, I would just say that neither of you should agree to have sex if you are too tired for it. And I bet you have been, and I bet he would have been upset about you saying no just as you are with him.

 

So that road goes both ways and you should let him know that from now on you too will feel free to decline when you're beat.

 

But also, be sure there's not some other reason. I'm not saying there is but some guys have a masturbation and/or porn schedule that may dictate when they are in the mood or not. There's different scenarious. One is too much porn so he's not ready for you all the time. The other is he is relying on porn BEFORE he comes to make love to you to get him ready. So it's just something to consider. Otherwise, it's just a matter of you realizing it's not personal and for him to understand when you too have times you're not ready for sex.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. Who knows, maybe you are right, maybe he is hiding porn but i just dont see when he could do that. UNless he is doing it at work which doesnt make sense coz he is around people all the time, for his job.

 

And we get home at the same time, and leave at the same time, we both start our jobs at the same time.

 

I'm not trying to sound like im making excuses for him, im just giving facts. i actually have nothing against it. unless it is the reason he turns me down (which i dont see how it would be, i think he'd be more tactful than that if anything).

[Lilyana76]

How many nights a week are you initiating? if you are already making love 3 to 4 times a week, I'm guessing maybe once a week??

 

Maybe every night for the next week, you should jump on him like a rabid animal the minute he walks in the door, or lay in bed waiting for him naked... beat him to the punch those 3 to 4 times a week!!!

[avvril3000]

How many nights a week are you initiating? if you are already making love 3 to 4 times a week, I'm guessing maybe once a week??

 

Maybe every night for the next week, you should jump on him like a rabid animal the minute he walks in the door, or lay in bed waiting for him naked... beat him to the punch those 3 to 4 times a week!!!

 

Well i used to initiate a lot, but over time i got more and more discouraged to the point where i stopped trying. And that, there, is the problem. I caught myself this morning starting it and then i stopped myself because i thought "oh its early in the morning (7am), and he will just say he is tired as always and roll back over to sleep". This is how the morning conversation started.

 

You're right, i just go for it again and throw myself at him and now that he knows, hopefully he will be more responsive.

 

the problem is he is still going throuhg a lot of personal things right now, whcih are stressful and occupies his mind a lot, so i dont want it to be disrespectful by throwing myself onto him when i know he is going through stuff.

[Lilyana76]

Ok there is more of a clue... going through a lot... so is he maybe suffering from a little depression? I know that can effect anyones sex life dramatically.

[avvril3000]

Ok there is more of a clue... going through a lot... so is he maybe suffering from a little depression? I know that can effect anyones sex life dramatically.

 

Maybe slight depression, situational depression, he is very tired often, he sleeps early. But he has lots of understandable anxiety because of whats going on.

 

i trust him and when he is tired, i know he is tired. i have no reason to doubt him, no red flags or bad signs. At the end of the day, my thread on this forum was more about feeling bad about bringing up an issue in our relationship when i know he is going thru stuff and i know that i'm the only solid thing in his life right now. And now i've add more stress to it. and i feel terrible about it.

[preraph]

Thanks for your thoughts. Who knows, maybe you are right, maybe he is hiding porn but i just dont see when he could do that. UNless he is doing it at work which doesnt make sense coz he is around people all the time, for his job.

 

And we get home at the same time, and leave at the same time, we both start our jobs at the same time.

 

I'm not trying to sound like im making excuses for him, im just giving facts. i actually have nothing against it. unless it is the reason he turns me down (which i dont see how it would be, i think he'd be more tactful than that if anything).

 

I mean, porn is on his smartphone, so it's everywhere he goes. But that might not be the problem. I think you'd be able to tell if he was using it before coming to you for sex because you'd surely have noticed he was on his phone or computer right before. Or if he was hiding it, he can do it in the car or anywhere, in the restroom. I brought it up because that can happen. They get reliant on it sometimes. Hopefully not!

 

If not, I really don't think anyone ever ought to pressure someone into sex when they're not in the mood, you or him, so that's my only thought on that. I would equal that out because now it's one sided by only doing it when he's ready if you're ready -- which it sounds like you want more sex, not less, so hopefully it's not a problem for you, but if it does bother you sometimes just tell him you also are not in the mood just now and maybe you'll both get on a similar schedule one of these days.

[avvril3000]

Maybe slight depression, situational depression, he is very tired often, he sleeps early. But he has lots of understandable anxiety because of whats going on.

 

i trust him and when he is tired, i know he is tired. i have no reason to doubt him, no red flags or bad signs. At the end of the day, my thread on this forum was more about feeling bad about bringing up an issue in our relationship when i know he is going thru stuff and i know that i'm the only solid thing in his life right now. And now i've add more stress to it. and i feel terrible about it.

 

However, with saying that, i also have my own personal feelings and needs to remain happy and solid in our relationship, and obviously this was weighing on me. i dont want us to turn into a couple with sex problems, i guess i wanna target anything that could potentially lead to that, and be one step ahead.

[minou23]

How old is he? And what does he do for work? Do you usually initiate around the same time of day/night? I think all those could play a factor.

 

Since I'm in my mid twenties I usually date guys around my age and they're almost NEVER too tired or whatever; however, I've dated an older guy who is 40 and he always rejected me. The sex was mind blowing and would last forever but far and few between. He always said he's tired. I think I'm the best looking girl my age he can get maybe just of any woman he can get lol. And it didn't matter.

 

I think 3-4 a week is a healthy amount of sex. Also I think him initiating is much better than you having to initiate all the time. But I don't think it's right he got so upset when you told him. It was genuine and he should've validated your feelings not made you feel like the bad guy. He should've reaffirmed that he wanted you by saying that it's not rejection, because he does try to have sex with you, but it's just bad timing.

 

Has nothing to do with you. I really don't think it does. Don't know why he was so bothered by it... and maybe in the future don't be so focused on who started the love making but the fact that you're making love to the person you love and they are, obviously, enjoying it too.

[avvril3000]

How old is he? And what does he do for work? Do you usually initiate around the same time of day/night? I think all those could play a factor.

 

Since I'm in my mid twenties I usually date guys around my age and they're almost NEVER too tired or whatever; however, I've dated an older guy who is 40 and he always rejected me. The sex was mind blowing and would last forever but far and few between. He always said he's tired. I think I'm the best looking girl my age he can get maybe just of any woman he can get lol. And it didn't matter.

 

I think 3-4 a week is a healthy amount of sex. Also I think him initiating is much better than you having to initiate all the time. But I don't think it's right he got so upset when you told him. It was genuine and he should've validated your feelings not made you feel like the bad guy. He should've reaffirmed that he wanted you by saying that it's not rejection, because he does try to have sex with you, but it's just bad timing.

 

Has nothing to do with you. I really don't think it does. Don't know why he was so bothered by it... and maybe in the future don't be so focused on who started the love making but the fact that you're making love to the person you love and they are, obviously, enjoying it too.

 

He is mid 40s, im early 30s.

 

I have a high sexual appetite. i think maybe more than most girls, im not sure. I could do it all the time. i could do it everyday. but im happy with 4/5 times a week. i know guys tend to slow down... but i thought that was around 60? maybe ive got it all wrong. i love him so much, and i am willing to lower my sexual expectations between us to be with him. maybe i should be less selfish ... i feel incredibly selfish after this conversation with him, that i didnt take into account his life issues at the moment, or the fact that he is older. i forget though, coz he has a youthful manner about him and acts like a 28 year old man most of the time.

 

you're right... i shouldnt be so focused on who initiates it and what not. its better he does than its me all the time. this whole thing is making me rethink the situation.

 

any suggestions on what to tell him when i get home today re; our conversation this morning?

we left this morning pretty sad. he feels like he has let me down sexually for a long time, and i feel like i've let him down by hurting his feelings and making an issue about our sex, which is probably very healthy since we have it 4 times a week- ish.

[avvril3000]

I mean, porn is on his smartphone, so it's everywhere he goes. But that might not be the problem. I think you'd be able to tell if he was using it before coming to you for sex because you'd surely have noticed he was on his phone or computer right before. Or if he was hiding it, he can do it in the car or anywhere, in the restroom. I brought it up because that can happen. They get reliant on it sometimes. Hopefully not!

 

If not, I really don't think anyone ever ought to pressure someone into sex when they're not in the mood, you or him, so that's my only thought on that. I would equal that out because now it's one sided by only doing it when he's ready if you're ready -- which it sounds like you want more sex, not less, so hopefully it's not a problem for you, but if it does bother you sometimes just tell him you also are not in the mood just now and maybe you'll both get on a similar schedule one of these days.

 

you're absolutely right, he could be all doing this on his smartphone. but for some reason my gut doesnt say its that.

 

and you're right about the pressure. and i am certainly not trying to pressure him into sex. but its nice for a gal to be able to jump him and have him be like "**** yeah!" instead of "i'm tired". ya know?!

 

god, i hope he doesnt feel like im pressuring him into sex after our conversaion. that would be the worst.

[avvril3000]

and another quick question, most people here think 4 times a week is a pretty good weekly rate of sex.

 

for me i think once a day is good, with the odd day off for whatever reason.

 

am i expecting too much sex? seriously... coz this might be all me, and my expectations on the amount i think is good. and i can totally adjust that.

[Tressugar]

You and your dude can only answer that. The relationship is between the two of you and not you and all of LS.

[minou23]

Tell him exactly what's on your mind! That you're sorry and didn't mean to add any extra stress. Make sure he knows that you love the sex but tell him you want him to understand where you're coming from. How he would feel if he mostly got rejected. But that you don't blame him for it. Everyone is entitled to their own body. And it was probably bad timing. I think you guys will be just fine. It seems like a very trivial thing to be upset over. And I think it will bring you guys closer together.

 

I personally prefer to have sex with my significant other at least once a day. But my schedule now probably wouldn't allow that even if I wanted to and wasn't single AF haha. There's no "healthy" amount. It's only unhealthy when it's non-existent. Or where you're left feeling unwanted. For instance, if they choose to always go out with friends instead of spend quality time with you.

 

I'm sure it will all work out but good luck anyway!

[avvril3000]

Tell him exactly what's on your mind! That you're sorry and didn't mean to add any extra stress. Make sure he knows that you love the sex but tell him you want him to understand where you're coming from. How he would feel if he mostly got rejected. But that you don't blame him for it. Everyone is entitled to their own body. And it was probably bad timing. I think you guys will be just fine. It seems like a very trivial thing to be upset over. And I think it will bring you guys closer together.

 

I personally prefer to have sex with my significant other at least once a day. But my schedule now probably wouldn't allow that even if I wanted to and wasn't single AF haha. There's no "healthy" amount. It's only unhealthy when it's non-existent. Or where you're left feeling unwanted. For instance, if they choose to always go out with friends instead of spend quality time with you.

 

I'm sure it will all work out but good luck anyway!

 

thanks for your kind message. yeah, i know. thats why i feel guilty, coz he really is the best partner. he gives me attention and he doesnt always go out, and he does spend quality time with me. and here i am making him feel bad because he is tired a lot, and is going thru stuff and i feel like a selfish brat. i think i need to get things into perspective. thanks very much for your words and advice!

[preraph]

Guys do slow down a little in their 40s. I mean, your sex life is probably above average though, so not reason to turn it into a bigger problem than it is. But I thought guys liked it when women initiated. I mean, yeah, would be nice to just be able to jump on him, but he is not your pony, Cowgirl.