Things just keep getting worse with gf of 5+ years

[Superdude87]

Hey guys, I was really hoping for some advice on my current situation (which could get pretty lengthy so I will try to keep it as concise as possible). My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over 5 years. We started dating when she was 21 and I was 24 (now 27 and 30). So we spent a good part of our 20’s together, although we have both been students and worked full time jobs so we have been pretty/stressed with the daily grind of being a student and working. Although things have been good for the most part, there are definitely things that have had me question whether or not we should get married. She has made it pretty clear that she wants marriage and kids but I have been a little more hesitant, I guess until some of my issues with the relationship are worked out. My biggest issues with our relationship are that she is very much type-A, high strung and easily stressed. This usually translates her into being very much “half-glass empty” personality which gets very exhausting to be around because she can never really seem too loosen up and have a good time (very rarely). I, on the other hand, am pretty laid back, easy to please, and enjoy having a good time.

 

Another problem is that she is very unaffectionate. She has a hard time showing affection even in private, which is hard to deal with. I rarely get even simple compliments from her that make me feel appreciated or that she even enjoys being with me. She very rarely even makes me feel wanted or desired anymore, and this is has definitely impacted our sex life. Our sex life has never been amazing but for a while I felt like it was at least adequate, although she has a much lower sex drive than I do. I figured for all the good things about her, I could maybe overlook the issues with sex. 9 times out of 10, I would have to initiate and many times she just seemed irritated by it and it seemed like she would only agree to make me happy, which makes me feel extremely guilty and honestly kinda takes the fun out of it. After a while, this gets kind of old and so I stopped trying as much. At this point, it wasn’t unusual for us to have sex only once a week, sometimes once every 10 days or so. Definitely much less than I would have wanted but her constant lack of enthusiasm made me less likely to try. As this went on, I feel like we started growing apart both physically and emotionally. Whatever passion or excitement was there previously was definitely leaving and it started to feel like we were just roommates who very occasionally had sex. I was upfront about how this made me feel and still didn't seem to change.

 

Fast forward to the last 6 months or so. A huge wrench was thrown in the gears when I got accepted to a great grad school program. The bad news is that my school was 6 hours away from home, so we had to make a choice if we were willing to relocate. I was definitely willing (and excited), she was obviously less excited to uproot her life but was willing to do it. However, there was this implied understanding that she wanted to be engaged BEFORE we moved so that she had some security about our relationship. Totally understandable, but at this point, I did not feel like we were doing well (or at least not well enough to be excited about the prospect of marriage). Why would I sign up for how our relationship has been for the rest of my life? I wanted to make sure things could get better, but we were kind of on a time crunch and had to move rather suddenly.

 

So now here we are, living away from home. She got a good job in her field so she is relatively happy, but overall I feel like she is not excited or happy about being here. I feel like she has gotten resentful towards me because I somehow dragged her up here with me without getting engaged first. However, I have definitely talked to her about my concerns several times over the years and still things are not changing. In fact, things have gotten worse since we moved. The thing that is so mind-blowing to me is how she treats me day in, day out, yet still insists that she wants to get married! For example, she is ultra critical of almost everything I do (even things that shouldn’t really matter at all). She’ll find reasons to critique the way I do just about anything (load the dishwasher, how I vacuum, how I drive, how I brush my teeth, etc…). Just ridiculous things that shouldn’t matter at all but make me feel like I’m always doing something wrong. She’s aware that this bugs me and is getting extremely irritating, Maybe it wouldn’t bug me that much if other things were ok, but combined with the fact that she never makes me feel wanted, never shows any interest in maintaining a good sex life, and constantly critiques and criticizes ever move I make, I’m am absolutely at a loss as to why she STILL wants to get married. This is not my idea of a mutually satisfying relationship. And yes, I do my best to always make her feel wanted, compliment her, do small things for her without being asked. I feel like I’m definitely holding up my end of the relationship but I’m just some burden that she has to live with. I have been putting in an effort to make our sex life better as well, but she still shows no interest and no initiative.

 

She knows all of my concerns and my complaints. I have been pretty upfront with her about this. She has been getting even more unhappy and occasionally jokes (although I sense she is serious) about moving back home, which implies we would break up. The problem (well, ONE problem) is that we just signed onto our lease and haven’t even lived here a month. I would like to make this work, but I don’t know if all of our issues are going to resolve (or even are able to be resolved), especially now that her mindset is so negative and it’s clear that she is pretty resentful towards me and the situation. I am just at a loss lately and feel like this whole thing has gotten totally out of hand.

 

Sorry this thing is so long, hopefully someone can give me some advice? Much appreciated.

[Purepony]

The s might sound negative but

I was in something similar for 6 years and it only gets worse, you pretty much described my ex and now 4 months later after break up everything's falling into place much better and I feel great !

I don't see this going any further unless your okay with her treating you the way she is currently

[Lilyana76]

Have you done any premarital counseling or couples counseling?

 

If you have talked to her about these issues, and she repeatedly ignores them or thinks they are not legitimate concerns, then how serious is she about YOU? It will never work if you two are on different pages.

[Gr8fuln2020]

How did you manage to date her for 5+ years knowing all this???!

 

This would have been a no go for me from the first year at the latest. You can always contact the property management company and ask if any can be done. I'm in the process of leaving my lease 2-months early, but I have had a great relationship with the company, so they are being helpful in finding someone else to take over and relieve me of my lease agreement.

[Superdude87]

Have you done any premarital counseling or couples counseling?

 

If you have talked to her about these issues, and she repeatedly ignores them or thinks they are not legitimate concerns, then how serious is she about YOU? It will never work if you two are on different pages.

 

Yeah, this has been confusing to think about how she talks about marriage, kids, etc...and yet isn't willing to try to change? Or maybe doesn't realize how serious these issues are to me? Really not sure,

[Lilyana76]

Usually when one becomes over cynical of the other, they take more of a parenting role in a relationship... this is not good.

 

I would tell her, you really want to take some counseling together before you decide on marriage. If she is unwilling then I think you have your answer, she isn't going to try with you.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry to say this, but you probably should have made this decision before she uprooted her life and moved with you.

 

It doesn't sound like you are feeling that this relationship will go the distance... And, I don't blame you because what you have described wouldn't be enough for me either. If it's been this way for so long, I would say that it's unlikely to get any better. It sounds like she wants the ring and the wedding and probably the babies more than she wants to build and enjoy a really happy life with you.

[Superdude87]

I'm sorry to say this, but you probably should have made this decision before she uprooted her life and moved with you.

 

It doesn't sound like you are feeling that this relationship will go the distance... And, I don't blame you because what you have described wouldn't be enough for me either. If it's been this way for so long, I would say that it's unlikely to get any better. It sounds like she wants the ring and the wedding and probably the babies more than she wants to build and enjoy a really happy life with you.

 

I agree, I think I was just scared to end it? I don't know, it definitely crossed my mind but I just didn't do it. It was not as bad as it has been since we moved, in fact things had been going fairly well prior to the move.

 

I know she wants the ring, the babies, the house, etc...it seems like those things are more important than actually having a great relationship, which is terrifying. I want all of those things too, but how good can any of that be when the foundation isn't there?

[Gr8fuln2020]

I agree, I think I was just scared to end it? I don't know, it definitely crossed my mind but I just didn't do it. It was not as bad as it has been since we moved, in fact things had been going fairly well prior to the move.

 

I know she wants the ring, the babies, the house, etc...it seems like those things are more important than actually having a great relationship, which is terrifying. I want all of those things too, but how good can any of that be when the foundation isn't there?

 

I have to say, I am not at all certain if these behaviors on her part are not due to your inability (unwillingness) to commit. You say that there isn't a foundation, but did those doubts become reality after a period of time? After she was expecting more and you didn't deliver? In some ways, I can understand her change in attitude, affection, sex, etc. She wanted more and you gave her more uncertainty.

 

Your post seems to imply that the two of you were much more passionate about the relationship. I just don't get people, especially the ladies, who wait 3+ years from a guy to make some kind of meaningful commitment. I don't blame her for feeling that way. BUT, if she has always been this way, I just don't see how you thought it was okay to string her along with so much doubt.

 

I would venture to say, that you have wasted 5 years of her time knowing that you always had doubts.

[BaileyB]

I agree, I think I was just scared to end it? I don't know, it definitely crossed my mind but I just didn't do it. It was not as bad as it has been since we moved, in fact things had been going fairly well prior to the move.

 

I know she wants the ring, the babies, the house, etc...it seems like those things are more important than actually having a great relationship, which is terrifying. I want all of those things too, but how good can any of that be when the foundation isn't there?

 

It can't be good. That's the problem. She needs to understand this, either by talking with you or going to premarital counselling. None of that stuff will be wonderful if you don't have a strong and happy relationship on which you can build your future and your family...

 

Some women don't understand this, especially when they are in their 20's and they begin to watch their friends get married and start a family. Some of us, can get very focused on the excitement and the "next big stage" of life... Forgetting that if you don't put effort into the relationship, the marriage and family will not be good.

 

Perhaps she needs a real wake-up call, or maybe you are not well suited for each other. Either way, you need to resolve these issues before you go any further or you will be in the marriage and life partnership section of the board saying that your wife treats you badly and you never have sex anymore but you don't want to leave because of the kids... And, if it's not going to work out, it's best to tell her now while she is young enough to find another partner and have a family. Don't drag things out too long...

 

Good luck to you. I do hope she comes to her senses and things work out for you.

Edited April 24, 2017 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

There are times when a relationship has just ran it's course and it's time to end it because you two have become two different people. We can change a lot over the course of 5+ years....it's just the way life is sometimes.

[enddeck]

She will not change her behaviour because she has no incentive to change.You have spoken to her about the way she treats you but she has faced no consequences for her ****ty behaviour.Welcome to the rest of your life if you continue to put up with this.

[Blanco]

There are several points in the OP where I audibly said, "Oh.My.God." because I felt like I was reading something I would have written several years ago. From the lack of affection to the criticisms about seemingly the most minute things, this was my life for a period of time. I stuck with it for various reasons, even though I became more and more aware that things were never going to improve. I eventually had to leave.

 

I think that with a lot of relationships where this isn't a watershed moment such as cheating or physical abuse, it's tough for most people to know when to call it quits on a relationship that is not working for both people. We think about the good times, the amount of years we've invested in this person and relationship, and we talk ourselves out of hitting the "nuke" button. Yet all the while, things very often continue to remain the same or degrade in quality as the months and years pile up.

[Blanco]

I have to say, I am not at all certain if these behaviors on her part are not due to your inability (unwillingness) to commit. You say that there isn't a foundation, but did those doubts become reality after a period of time? After she was expecting more and you didn't deliver? In some ways, I can understand her change in attitude, affection, sex, etc. She wanted more and you gave her more uncertainty.

 

That's possible, but I would like to offer a counter-point since I feel like I was in the OP's position some years back: With some people, nothing will ever be good enough. I did not have the pressure to put a ring on it or anything, but a trend emerged about a third of the way into our relationship where it constantly felt like she was moving the goal posts on me so that there could be something new to be displeased with me over.

 

By the end, it honestly felt like I couldn't do anything right. I was almost a nervous wreck constantly second guessing myself over the most trivial things, because I would have to mentally examine if there was a way she could find flaws in how I had done something. (Spoiler: The answer was usually "yes")

[kendahke]

I feel like she has gotten resentful towards me because I somehow dragged her up here with me without getting engaged first.

 

She didn't get dragged anywhere. She came of her own volition. Perhaps she did it to machine that proposal out of you?

 

I agree with the others---this has run its course. I wouldn't tie my life to someone who has this much contempt for me and is hell bent on having their way while at the same time, refusing to see the elephant in the living room raising a monstrous stink.

 

It's time for the "let's go our own way" talk. And remind her that you didn't force her to move anywhere. The word "no" is the first word every human understands the meaning of by 18 months.

 

I disagree with couple's therapy. That's for when the both of you still have respect and a desire to be with one another. She doesn't sound like she has respect for you--she has respect for what she wants out of you--there is a distinct difference between the two. Maybe she needs to go to one on her own and you need to go to one on your own and when you both have gotten some things resolved, then go for couple's therapy. But as this stands? No--that would be a waste of time and money. She's acting like she can't stand the air you breathe because you won't give her her way.

 

Next time she mentions moving home, tell her that would be a really good idea. Call her bluff and see what she says.

Edited April 24, 2017 by kendahke

[JuneJulySeptember]

What are the positives of the relationship and of her as a person (despite just being together forever)?

 

You didn't list any. She must have some.

 

What does she bring to the table that another woman might not?

 

I believe mates are a trade off. Another woman might be better in some areas, but worse in others.

[ExpatInItaly]

It honestly sounds like this has run its course.

[VeveCakes]

People who are negative and miserable never change. I was married to a man for 6 years like this and no amount of love affection care or therapy could help his outlook. That plus limited sex - it's a no brainer to start over without her.

[Superdude87]

What are the positives of the relationship and of her as a person (despite just being together forever)?

 

You didn't list any. She must have some.

 

What does she bring to the table that another woman might not?

 

I believe mates are a trade off. Another woman might be better in some areas, but worse in others.

 

True, I did not list any but of course she has many great qualities. I was originally attracted to her because it was so easy to be with her. We didn't argue, fight or have any drama for quite a while. I feel like her negative outlook was initially a problem and began to creep into her behavior further into our relationship. She is also insanely smart and motivated in school and work. Aside from all of the negatives I have listed, I have no doubt that she would be an equal in terms of having a partner in life that would "pull her weight", so to speak. We both have good careers and make good money, not that money is a deciding factor but I feel like if she worked at a gas station or McDonalds and had no desire to do something more that would be a problem. I also trust her wholeheartedly, 100% without question. She is great with kids (has many nieces/nephews) so I have no doubt she would be a great mom.

 

She really is a great person, but after reading all the responses I have to agree with many of them. I know it was HER choice to move away with me, and I obviously should have made it more clear to her before having her make that decision, but I feel like she just assumed since we were going to make such a huge life change that engagement would follow (or happen prior to moving). However, her behavior was not correlating with her words that she wanted marriage. Well, she obviously wants marriage but considering how she treats me, I'm perplexed why anyone would want to marry someone that seemingly can't do anything right and is such an annoyance (ie: me).

 

Thanks for the advice guys, it's a ****ty situation no matter how you look at it but I do appreciate your words of wisdom.

[JuneJulySeptember]

True, I did not list any but of course she has many great qualities. I was originally attracted to her because it was so easy to be with her. We didn't argue, fight or have any drama for quite a while. I feel like her negative outlook was initially a problem and began to creep into her behavior further into our relationship. She is also insanely smart and motivated in school and work. Aside from all of the negatives I have listed, I have no doubt that she would be an equal in terms of having a partner in life that would "pull her weight", so to speak. We both have good careers and make good money, not that money is a deciding factor but I feel like if she worked at a gas station or McDonalds and had no desire to do something more that would be a problem. I also trust her wholeheartedly, 100% without question. She is great with kids (has many nieces/nephews) so I have no doubt she would be a great mom.

 

She really is a great person, but after reading all the responses I have to agree with many of them. I know it was HER choice to move away with me, and I obviously should have made it more clear to her before having her make that decision, but I feel like she just assumed since we were going to make such a huge life change that engagement would follow (or happen prior to moving). However, her behavior was not correlating with her words that she wanted marriage. Well, she obviously wants marriage but considering how she treats me, I'm perplexed why anyone would want to marry someone that seemingly can't do anything right and is such an annoyance (ie: me).

 

Thanks for the advice guys, it's a ****ty situation no matter how you look at it but I do appreciate your words of wisdom.

 

I personally believe temperament and personality match are the most important factors. So, when you say she is a@al, type A and you are laid-back, that is not a great match. But that is only my opinion. Other people value the other stuff you mention a lot and would be willing to overlook the temperament mismatch.

 

Also, everything is relative. You might think your mate is a@al, Type A. I have no doubt some other woman finds you a@al, type A.

 

Either way, it's a tough choice.

[OnlyHonesty]

I don't get it. This relationship was not working, the sex was becoming less frequent and the glass was half empty. What do you do?

 

You both move to a different area together, move in together and lease a new place. Are people in that much denial?

 

What you should have done was make a clean break and move to that area ALONE. You should have gone your separate ways. Every decision that was made after this

Fast forward to the last 6 months or so. A huge wrench was thrown in the gears when I got accepted to a great grad school program. The bad news is that my school was 6 hours away from home, so we had to make a choice if we were willing to relocate. I was definitely willing (and excited), she was obviously less excited to uproot her life but was willing to do it.

Was simply foolish. This is where it should have ended. What you need to do is ask yourself why.

 

It seems you are drawn and compelled to remain in a sexless and unhealthy relationship. Part of it is due to it being a habit but a lot of it is because you aren't willing to take action to sever this unhealthy link.

 

She needs to go home and both of you need to completely sever all contact forever. Anything less than that and you are both in for a long and painful journey which will result in a slow and painful death of something that already died.

[basil67]

I also disagree with couple's therapy. If a couple needs therapy to get to the stage of being engaged, they have no business getting married.

 

This relationship has run it's course. And that's OK. Let her go so that both of you are free to find the right people for you.

[Gr8fuln2020]

That's possible, but I would like to offer a counter-point since I feel like I was in the OP's position some years back: With some people, nothing will ever be good enough. I did not have the pressure to put a ring on it or anything, but a trend emerged about a third of the way into our relationship where it constantly felt like she was moving the goal posts on me so that there could be something new to be displeased with me over.

 

By the end, it honestly felt like I couldn't do anything right. I was almost a nervous wreck constantly second guessing myself over the most trivial things, because I would have to mentally examine if there was a way she could find flaws in how I had done something. (Spoiler: The answer was usually "yes")

 

Blanco,

 

I truly appreciate your POV and certainly do not dismiss this possibility. But the more I think about this, the more I feel less sympathy for the OP. Okay, so the gf is a booger, but is this recent? Since mark of year 1? Year 3? A few months ago? The OP says that or it sounds like he is saying that he was fully aware of her short-falls from the beginning. Why do have these doubts NOW??? Why did you stick with her for 5 unreasonable years? If she wasn't always this way, then it begs to ask, is she being a booger b/c the OP is now in YEAR 5 and no significant change in status offered?

[Blanco]

Blanco,

 

I truly appreciate your POV and certainly do not dismiss this possibility. But the more I think about this, the more I feel less sympathy for the OP. Okay, so the gf is a booger, but is this recent? Since mark of year 1? Year 3? A few months ago? The OP says that or it sounds like he is saying that he was fully aware of her short-falls from the beginning. Why do have these doubts NOW??? Why did you stick with her for 5 unreasonable years? If she wasn't always this way, then it begs to ask, is she being a booger b/c the OP is now in YEAR 5 and no significant change in status offered?

 

I can't speak for the OP, but I can speak to my situation: In retrospect, a lot of the signs were evident after probably half a year; they were just a lot less amplified than they would become in the later stages of the relationship.

 

For me, a few things kept me hanging in there, none of which are probably issues in the OP's situation. I will say, though, that when you're with someone you care about and there's something going on like the OP is experiencing, there's often a part of you that has trouble distinguishing between a no-win situation and general relationship obstacles most couples face. It's kind of illogical when you observe it from the outside, but when it's you and you're in the midst of it, that hope that things will get better can keep you going, as foolish as it might be.

[Versacehottie]

OP, one thing I notice on this board is patterns and your post is part of a pattern I noticed from time to time on here. Every so often a GUY will come on here and have a laundry list of valid complaints from a long term relationship and not much good to balance it out--or what was good is long gone. They then almost always say that the woman is domineering or type A, much like your post. And critical of you and whatever you do is never enough. Somehow when I read these posts, I kinda tend to believe we are getting an accurate picture of what is going on--not just a one-sided version. Same with your story. It's not good my friend.

 

You sound like you are scared to break up with her! Why in the world?!??! It's not even like you are scared that you've invested a lot with her or that you have much mixed feelings. Like you sound actually scared of what the repercussions are. Not balanced, doesn't baud well for the future. It's hard to do (and would have been better before you made the move) but you need to take action on YOUR life now. An work acquaintance of mine did this with her guy (who was 100 times nice better person than she was) dragged him to NY & then cheated on him and changed her mind & both felt stuck. They both ended up much in much happier relationships. And more importantly he escaped her. Literally my work acquaintance sounds like a carbon copy of your gf--it seriously doesn't get better. Do it for yourself. Not going to be easy at all but step up to the plate. Good luck