New guy ended things

[whydoicare]

About 4 months ago I was dumped by my long term boyfriend of almost 4 years. It was a very devastating time for me and I honestly didn't think I would meet anyone else. A month ago, I was introduced to a man and we hit it off. We started texting until the early hours of the morning and talking on the phone for hours. I wasn't looking for a relationship and he asked about my past relationship, so I opened up to him. He assured me that there is someone out there who would reciprocate my feelings and want to give me the world. He told me all of the things a girl wants to hear - that I was beautiful and he wanted to show me what it feels like to get treated well by a man.

 

I told him I was scared because I've been hurt but he assured me that his intentions were good. He said he was here to stay. I trusted him and fell for him hard. Unfortunately he had to go away for a week, so our first date wasn't until about 2 weeks after we started talking. While he was away we got into a disagreement about something stupid, but we both chalked it up to being stressed and tired and put it behind us. My grandmother had recently passed away and he was working 15 hour days out of town.

 

Our first date was amazing. I told him it was important to me to have a friendship at the foundation and he freaked out asking if I was putting him in the friendzone. I assured him that was not the case. He said he had not felt this happy in a long time and that meeting me was fate. He came by my house later in the week and met my whole family. He told me it meant a lot to him for them to like him because he knows how upset they probably were after my most recent heartbreak. Last Friday, I went to hang out at his house. I made the mistake of sleeping with him. I didn't think it was a mistake at the time but hindsight is 20/20. However afterward, he was still texting me telling me how being with me just felt so natural.

 

The next day he told me he was going hiking with a male friend. I found out through a mutual friend that his ex was there as well. I admit that I should have waited for him to bring it up, but I confronted him about it and he said they coincidentally ran into each other and they are just friends. I believed him and everything felt like it was back to normal. He went out of town Saturday night but was still telling me how much I had him wrapped around my finger and he's been waiting all his life to meet me. On Sunday, he told me he would come see me but wound up staying out later with friends and couldn't make it. I admit that I overreacted but I was hurt as I got all ready to see him and felt let down. We both apologized for overreacting and I thought everything was fine. I went to see him Monday and tried to explain to him why I reacted as I did (my past still makes me guarded) and we wound up sleeping together again.

 

The rest of the week, things just didn't feel the same. We hung out on Thursday at a baseball game and everything was going great until it was time to leave. I'm not even sure what happened but he basically said he felt we were not on the same page, that I'm a great girl but he can't give me the attention that I need and he doesn't want to just be a rebound. I assured him that was not the case as I had developed true feelings for him.

 

Yesterday, I texted him that I missed him. 2 hours later he responded that he missed me too but felt we rushed into things. I asked if we could start fresh but take things slow. He said "yes, let's work on being friends first". So basically I got friendzoned. I told him that sounded like a good start as I really don't want to lose him. Since then I have not heard from him apart from a couple of random snapchats of him showing me how great of a time he's been having.

 

I'm so confused. I really like this guy and I know I wasn't perfect in getting upset about him not coming to see me. I feel like maybe I got played but he seems like such a great guy and I truly enjoy spending time with him. I know we've only known each other for a month but we had such a strong connection and I feel like we never got a shot to really try. Is there anything I can do to fix this?

 

Signed,

too emotionally attached

[CloudyHead]

Sounds like you got love bombed. Unfortunately this happens often and you need to be aware if it as you enter the dating world (especially online dating). Look up love bombing and narcissists and sociopaths. Educate yourself about these people so you can recognize the signs.

[mischalove]

I'm not going to speak on your whole post but I wanted to tell you, you SHOULD HAVE absolutely been upset when he said he was coming over and didn't. That's rude. So definitely do not beat yourself up for having standards!! He sounds like an ass.

[Tressugar]

I found when a man says that he's normal (unlike any of the guys out there), his intentions are good and states he ain't gonna go anywhere etc usually saying all the right things to put a woman at ease that's usually a crimson flag!

 

True men never state their intentions only prove themselves through their actions.

[basil67]

You were introduced only a month ago. And you had your first date only two weeks ago.

 

Sweetie, in this short amount of time, there's no way that everything he said to you could have been true. Sure, he may have gotten lust and love confused and thought he meant it, but honestly, the kinds of words he was throwing your way should be a red flag.

 

When you date, go and have fun. But don't leave logic behind.

[divegrl]

He told me all of the things a girl wants to hear - that I was beautiful and he wanted to show me what it feels like to get treated well by a man.

 

I told him I was scared because I've been hurt but he assured me that his intentions were good. He said he was here to stay. I trusted him and fell for him hard.

 

He said he had not felt this happy in a long time and that meeting me was fate

 

I'm so sorry you're going thru this. Thank you so much for posting your story.

 

I can relate to your experience so much right now. I truly hope, after everything he said, he comes back around, but I'm not sure.

 

I do hope u find love. Take care

[whydoicare]

So he reached out to me yesterday. He told me he felt bad for being an "a-hole" and hurting me. He said he got scared when things started getting serious quickly and he's been hurt in a situation similar to that in the past so it made him pull away. He said he enjoys talking to me and wants to build a friendship before a relationship. I want to believe he's genuine and he does still seem like he's into me (I said something and he called me adorable?).

 

He knows how I feel about him though so the ball is in his court. Do ya'll think this stands a chance?

[stillafool]

It's interesting that he wanted to go back to being friends after he had sex. Why didn't he decide to be friends first before he got laid?

[ChatroomHero]

This couldn't be more clear. He wanted to get laid, got laid, is not interested in anything more. Being friends "to start", after already having sex, does 2 things.

 

 

1. In a few months he may want to hit you up for something knowing you will have sex with him if you agree to meet up.

2. Removes his guilt for humping and dumping you. He doesn't have to officially dump you and feel bad, and he doesn't have to do anything more with you so in effect he can dump you without dumping you.

 

 

When he bailed on you the night he was supposed to meet 100% confirms this. After you left his bed, his first thought was how he was going to dump you. He had no real intention of seeing you again in the way of dating. He knew he was going to bail on your plans the second he agreed to him.

 

 

The only chance you have here is when he reaches out a while from now because he wants to get laid, you can be is fwb. You won't really get any more than that.

[fred123]

Didnt u say from the beginning you werent looking for a relqtionship? If a girl told me that that means she doesnt want a relationship with me so why should i bother?

[smackie9]

You totally missed something....you said "He assured me that there is someone out there who would reciprocate my feelings and want to give me the world". Someone out there meant someone else not him. You got way too clingy, he was expecting casual because you said that you were not looking to be in a relationship...so he proceeded with that. He may or may not have played you....all I know things got out of hand and this falls on the both of you. He should have known better than to have any involvement when you were still very vulnerable...you didn't realize how vulnerable you were and so not ready for a relationship. Relax we all get lost in our desires, and make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up, just keep going forward with your life and leave this experience behind you.

[whydoicare]

You totally missed something....you said "He assured me that there is someone out there who would reciprocate my feelings and want to give me the world". Someone out there meant someone else not him. You got way too clingy, he was expecting casual because you said that you were not looking to be in a relationship...so he proceeded with that. He may or may not have played you....all I know things got out of hand and this falls on the both of you. He should have known better than to have any involvement when you were still very vulnerable...you didn't realize how vulnerable you were and so not ready for a relationship. Relax we all get lost in our desires, and make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up, just keep going forward with your life and leave this experience behind you.

 

I appreciate the response and I definitely see where you are coming from. However I'm not sure I agree that he didn't mean himself. After our first couple of dates he said he was 10/10 happy, that holding me just felt right and he thought meeting me so out of the blue just showed how meant to be things were. He also told me that he was working towards being successful so we could have everything we want in the future.

 

And yes I told him I didn't want a relationship but he insisted that I had to let my walls down in order to experience something potentially great with him. I mean there's no denying that he was into me.

 

I think its unfair for him to come on so strong and the moment I reciprocate those feelings back suddenly I'm labeled as "clingy".

[Redhead14]

Emotionally attached to a guy you had only met in person three times and were intimate with him??? It's ok if you wanted to be intimate but I always tell women that the first time they sleep with a man, especially early in the dating scenario, she should assume it will be a one-night stand unless he shows you otherwise.

 

Of course, you're confused. You don't know what you want. You told him you weren't interested in a relationship because you're scared, yet you allowed yourself to become so "attached" after a few hours of texting and phone calls and one date. As much as he may have been love-bombing you, you did it right back. If you don't want a relationship, don't accept an approach that seems to indicate that that dating partner does want a relationship.

 

You need to sit back and observe for a little bit when starting a new dating scenario in order to make sure a guy is dating you the way you want and need to be dated.

 

You two were not in a relationship, I don't care what it FELT like. The fact that he went hiking with his ex was really none of your business at this point.

 

Is there anything I can do to fix this? -- I'd say, no, not with this one. There's been too much drama already. I'm sorry to be harsh here but you need to hear some reality. You were recently out of a relationship and you need to take some more time to focus on just YOU and figure out exactly what you want and get clarity from the dating partner and then observe before you go too deep so quickly.

 

Allowing yourself to be "hurt" again so soon after a previous break up only compounds and prolongs your ability to date objectively and with confidence.

 

Let this one go and be a little more patient when dating. Balance and manage your emotions and expectations with a little more logic and objectivity in the future.

Edited April 24, 2017 by Redhead14

[smackie9]

I appreciate the response and I definitely see where you are coming from. However I'm not sure I agree that he didn't mean himself. After our first couple of dates he said he was 10/10 happy, that holding me just felt right and he thought meeting me so out of the blue just showed how meant to be things were. He also told me that he was working towards being successful so we could have everything we want in the future.

 

And yes I told him I didn't want a relationship but he insisted that I had to let my walls down in order to experience something potentially great with him. I mean there's no denying that he was into me.

 

I think its unfair for him to come on so strong and the moment I reciprocate those feelings back suddenly I'm labeled as "clingy".

hey I can only go by what you posted I wasn't there and this is what is called "discussion" to clarify some points so we can reassess your situation. As things go along in threads, the opinions will change, and we will take a different perspective.

 

Just maybe things got a little too intense for him and he backed out...apparently a lot of men do this. If you determine that he is a d bag and was only after one thing then believe it...that is all up to you in how you see it, and don't worry what we think. Whatever helps you get through this.

[kendahke]

While he was away we got into a disagreement about something stupid,

 

What exactly was it that prompted this argument?

 

I admit that I should have waited for him to bring it up, but I confronted him about it

 

I admit that I overreacted

 

I agree with Redhead14--way too much drama with you confronting him every few days and you've only known him a month? Had he ever said he wanted an exclusive relationship with you? I don't see where he specifically said that.

 

he felt we were not on the same page, that I'm a great girl but he can't give me the attention that I need and he doesn't want to just be a rebound.

 

He has a point. You just got out of a relationship 4 months ago. At the 3 month point, you met this guy. How long were you with your ex? I think it was too soon, despite what you said about your readiness for a new relationship. You did state up front that you weren't looking for serious, but you entered into behavior for serious---so that was you saying one thing, but actually doing the opposite. Also, the legs of this involvement couldn't support the expectations you had for someone who hadn't expressed interest in exclusivity.

 

It was a bit too soon to be introducing him to your family, so I can understand the embarrassment of having to explain to them that this fizzled out before launching well.

 

Also, there is the thing that perhaps he wasn't bowled over by your sexual prowess, so he'd rather corral you in the friend-pen for the time being, all things being casual as you stated up front. Sometimes, people change their minds after having sex and it's usually because they really didn't enjoy it, but it doesn't require them to unzip the lizard on you. Preferences are real and each person is entitled to theirs, even if they don't include you and your expectations.

Edited April 24, 2017 by kendahke

[whydoicare]

What exactly was it that prompted this argument?

 

 

 

 

 

I agree with Redhead14--way too much drama with you confronting him every few days and you've only known him a month? Had he ever said he wanted an exclusive relationship with you? I don't see where he specifically said that.

 

 

 

He has a point. You just got out of a relationship 4 months ago. At the 3 month point, you met this guy. How long were you with your ex? I think it was too soon, despite what you said about your readiness for a new relationship. You did state up front that you weren't looking for serious, but you entered into behavior for serious---so that was you saying one thing, but actually doing the opposite. Also, the legs of this involvement couldn't support the expectations you had for someone who hadn't expressed interest in exclusivity.

 

It was a bit too soon to be introducing him to your family, so I can understand the embarrassment of having to explain to them that this fizzled out before launching well.

 

Also, there is the thing that perhaps he wasn't bowled over by your sexual prowess, so he'd rather corral you in the friend-pen for the time being, all things being casual as you stated up front. Sometimes, people change their minds after having sex and it's usually because they really didn't enjoy it, but it doesn't require them to unzip the lizard on you. Preferences are real and each person is entitled to theirs, even if they don't include you and your expectations.

 

Ouch. Thanks for the advice.

[preraph]

I agree with most of the other posters but just want to add a little practical advice. It's really a cardinal rule of dating that you don't discuss your other relationships on the first date. Unless you say "My ex is dead now but I was tired of him anyway," there's no winning this with men. They're trying to find out if you're easy, if you're experienced, if you're still hung up on an ex. They don't know you well enough to be asking such personal questions on a first date or before you ever go out and are just texting.

 

And other than stating (either in profile or in person) that you are looking for a relationship, not just casual, no elaboration on this is needed. i mean, you can't make a stranger commit to falling in love with you. He doesn't know you and you don't know him. You are moving WAAAAY too fast. You can convey in your profile or when you decide to meet that you're not looking for a hookup or you are hoping to meet the right man, and really the latter is the best way of saying it, IMO. it doesn't sound like rules. It sounds like you're a reasonable person who knows that dating isn't a marriage proposal but you want to get to know him and see if you're right for each other.

 

Instead what you have done is tried to elicit a commitment on first meeting, made him meet your parents, assumed he is the right man for you and vice versa, when it's certainly not usually going to be the case.

 

You can't just make the right relationship materialize. It takes a good long while to get to know the real person. We are on our best behavior at first and we have to wait a year or two to see the other side, see how someone behaves when they don't get their way or have a flat tire or get fired or get sick.

 

Slow down. This is not a Prince Charming scenario. A date is not a marriage arrangement. It's just to get to know someone. And this is very important: What you should do on a first date isn't get mired in talking about exes or history, but both of you will like each other more and want to date more if you just HAVE FUN and laugh and keep it light. That's what most men want, just a happy woman who knows how to have fun.

Edited April 24, 2017 by preraph

[kendahke]

What exactly was it that prompted this argument?

 

Had he ever said he wanted an exclusive relationship with you?

[ChatroomHero]

I appreciate the response and I definitely see where you are coming from. However I'm not sure I agree that he didn't mean himself. After our first couple of dates he said he was 10/10 happy, that holding me just felt right and he thought meeting me so out of the blue just showed how meant to be things were. He also told me that he was working towards being successful so we could have everything we want in the future.

 

And yes I told him I didn't want a relationship but he insisted that I had to let my walls down in order to experience something potentially great with him. I mean there's no denying that he was into me.

 

I think its unfair for him to come on so strong and the moment I reciprocate those feelings back suddenly I'm labeled as "clingy".

 

I think sometimes people forget when someone is trying to get laid, they can be completely into you in the moment and at various times. Their actions are the only indicator you need.

 

If a guy says he loves dogs and you see him kick a puppy, you wouldn't think he loved dogs because you believed him when he said he loved dogs.

 

His actions go against what he said. Some guys like the chase and getting laid, but they aren't going to lure you in bed by being honest with you. It sounds like he was in the moment but never sold on being serious with you.

[VeveCakes]

Love bombing

Not enough time to get over your ex and spend time alone to regroup.

Acting like you would when you were a long term couple when you had only been out a few times.

Chasing when he wanted space.

 

These are all red flags from him and you both. This relationship was doomed from he start.

 

You aren't ready to date. Welcome to loveshack. The advice is blunt but often correct.