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Trying too hard...?


LB2016

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So I've been casually dating this guy for about 6 months now. Things are good but have been stagnant. I'm trying to be patient as this whole dating thing is new to me anyway (divorced) and am not looking to jump into anything right away anyway. However, I DO really like this guy and would commit to him more to see where things go!

 

When I asked him yesterday where his feelings are at, he told me he likes me and thinks we can have a great relationship but also thinks I may be trying too hard and to just be myself. When I asked him how I'm trying too hard, he said he's not sure but it just seems that way.

 

Of course, I'm analyzing the hell out of his comment! There are times I will willfully admit I may push too hard bc again, I like him THAT much...but I'm not sure if this has really just turned him off or not. Or perhaps it's more of a line to put off having us become a bit more exclusive. I'm guessing NOT otherwise he wouldn't have said the previous comment of how we could have a "great relationship".

 

How would you take that?

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sn3akerlover

I think the fact that he reciprocated and said he liked you is a good sign. Him saying you are trying too hard might just mean he likes where you guys are right now (He might not want to ruin that). I can't say what his true intentions are but I'm translating it literally- from a guy's perspective.

 

I think you should re-visit the topic in about 2 weeks. Do it in a light, fun type of way. I know that you mentioned that you were not ready for anything serious right now but you should also prepare for the possibility of him not wanting anymore than what you have right now (casual dating) or not being ready to commit at the same time that you may want to.

 

I hope everything works out!

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I think he thinks it's way too soon to be discussing the future and that maybe when you're doing extra nice things for him, he may see it as you pushing it, plus any times you bring it up. I wouldn't bring it up at all for at least another 6 months and just see if he progresses or not.

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He doesn't want to talk about it. He just wants to date you & have things be defined by the actions.

 

 

So if you want to keep him, hush for at least 6 months. On your 1 year anniversary you can try bringing up the labels again but not before.

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6 months IMO is long enough to determine where things are going, etc. He's putting the brakes on you when he told you were "trying too hard". He knows you are angling towards wanting things exclusive that's why he said that....to stop you right there. Now you have to decide to accept this probably won't get anymore serious than it is, or time to bail out because you are not going to get what you want.

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Cookiesandough

6 months and he won't even concede it's a relationship yet? Nah, if I want a relationship I'm out. If he hasn't made up his mind by then, the odds of that changing are slim to none!

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It's interesting to read the difference in replies from a man vs. the women. lol. I appreciate hearing BOTH sides, although I do tend to lean towards what Cookies and Smackie were saying. I often feel like he is stringing me along to keep me around but isn't "sold" on me. But then again, I feel like there IS more there. But I don't know anymore. I'm just releasing it all and whatever happens, happens at this point.

 

Thank you for your input!

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The problem is when you talk about commitment before the guy is ready, it often just pushes them away because they begin to think you are in a rush or you are getting desperate. I mean, words alone can't make a commitment anyway. Yes, at some point you cut bait. But six months is too soon to be talking about becoming engaged or marriage or children, way too soon.

 

I'm assuming you have already had the "we are only dating each other talk." If not, then he is dating others and not ready to only date you or maybe any one woman, and talking isn't going to make him change his mind.

 

But if you were looking for an engagement scenario or moving in or mixing money, it's too soon, I'm sorry.

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I'm a man and agree with smackie and cookies. 6 months is plenty of time to know if you want an exclusive, committed relationship. I don't casually date from the start. I date with the intention of having a serious relationship. If it works out, great. If not, see ya.

 

6 months in and my SO has a problem with me wanting more? Boy oh boy! How many ways would I nuke that bridge!!!

 

Of course, 6 months into a relationship with me is already going to be a serious, committed, exclusive relationship and any attempt by my SO to take things further is a sure sign that we are on the same page and that the relationship is deepening.

 

The problem is when you talk about commitment before the guy is ready, it often just pushes them away because they begin to think you are in a rush or you are getting desperate. I mean, words alone can't make a commitment anyway. Yes, at some point you cut bait. But six months is too soon to be talking about becoming engaged or marriage or children, way too soon.

 

I'm assuming you have already had the "we are only dating each other talk." If not, then he is dating others and not ready to only date you or maybe any one woman, and talking isn't going to make him change his mind.

 

But if you were looking for an engagement scenario or moving in or mixing money, it's too soon, I'm sorry.

 

 

Says who? You? Emphatic statements are often wrong...I avoid making all inclusive or emphatic statements like "6 months is too soon..." 6 months for me may very well be too late!

 

6 months may be too late for OP. Of course, OP has enough sense to make her on decision but I certainly hope she doesn't compromise her needs for some guy that, after 6 months of dating, isn't ready to maybe take things to the next level...what ever that next level is.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Preraph, I never said to him that I'm looking for marriage and kids and all that good stuff. All I've asked for and been looking for after all this time is more time with him...weekends...getting more emotionally connected to him...getting to know him more...him to get OFF of dating sites (yes, he's still on Tinder and Bumble) and to want to be more exclusive. Now, in his defense, he's always said he doesn't want to rush things and to take things slow, so it's not like he's really misleading me. He has been "breadcrumbing me though"...giving me just enough to keep me hooked. Therefore, I'm unsure of his intentions. Like- DOES he want something more with me at some point or not??

 

But, like Titanll said, it's been 6 months and I always think in the back of my head that he SHOULD know by now. At the same time though, I KNOW I am dealing with a very confused man that always says how he doubts many things in his life. Relationships are apparently one of them.

 

I have tried numerous times to walk away because it's going nowhere and I see his ambiguous ways. And to be honest- it HURTS knowing he's spending weekends with other women instead of me. But because I like him that much I try to stick it out and be patient. I know all in all though, that I am compromising on what I'm ultimately looking for and often feel like I'm being used.

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Well, if he's still multidating or trying to and you two aren't even gf and bf, then I agree this is a waste of time, and no amount of talking is going to change anything.

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BryanSmiley

Six months of emotional, monetary, and financial investment in someone - and they still aren't sure if they want to commit to you and are dating others!? Half a year!! Back-off big-time.

 

I wish I'd bailed sooner with someone that was progressing and exclusive - but even after 4 months seemed scared of any sort of label. To this extreme of 6 months, and they are dating or at least wanting to date others? That's really not on and isn't compatible with how you see and want things to be.

 

He can't expect to treat people like that and them always stick around. There has to be some consequence, otherwise he's just collecting people and taking whom ever will have him. If you distance yourself or walk away - that says to him - if you want me this behavior isn't compatible so would need change/compromise.

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Preraph, I never said to him that I'm looking for marriage and kids and all that good stuff. All I've asked for and been looking for after all this time is more time with him...weekends...getting more emotionally connected to him...getting to know him more...him to get OFF of dating sites (yes, he's still on Tinder and Bumble) and to want to be more exclusive. Now, in his defense, he's always said he doesn't want to rush things and to take things slow, so it's not like he's really misleading me. He has been "breadcrumbing me though"...giving me just enough to keep me hooked. Therefore, I'm unsure of his intentions. Like- DOES he want something more with me at some point or not??

 

But, like Titanll said, it's been 6 months and I always think in the back of my head that he SHOULD know by now. At the same time though, I KNOW I am dealing with a very confused man that always says how he doubts many things in his life. Relationships are apparently one of them.

 

I have tried numerous times to walk away because it's going nowhere and I see his ambiguous ways. And to be honest- it HURTS knowing he's spending weekends with other women instead of me. But because I like him that much I try to stick it out and be patient. I know all in all though, that I am compromising on what I'm ultimately looking for and often feel like I'm being used.

 

 

Six months is a very long time. How old are you?

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I agree Brian and Spring...6 months is enough time to know and it's time for me to stop hanging on. I am 37 by the way, which makes it worse because at this point in my life, I'm not looking to play games and apparently that's all this man does with me.

 

Sorry for the delay in my thanks for the replies! I do appreciate your input.

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GoneGirl32

OP, you said in your original post that you were *pushing* because you liked him THAT much. Your exact words.

 

Well girlfriend :), THAT is precisely what he meant when he said you're "trying too hard" and yes it IS preventing him from moving closer to you, enough to want to commit.

 

Stop pushing, stop trying to force it. All that ever accomplishes is pushing a guy right out the door in most cases.

 

I give him tons of credit for telling you! Most guys would have just dumped you so there's definitely some feelings there on his part.

 

Try backing off, stop pushing, stop trying to force it, and stop "trying so hard" (his words).

 

Let it proceed forward naturally, gradually, organically. Let him wonder about you sometimes, miss you.

 

If you can do that, you may be surprised at his reaction. Could almost guarantee he will want to move closer to you, emotionally, mentally and eventually committing.... unless he is some sort of a commitment phobe which is possible but I doubt it because a commitment phobe would have just dumped you, maybe even ghosted you, NOT tell you what he needs from you to make this work, which is to "stop trying so hard"!

 

Good luck!! :)

Edited by GoneGirl32
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I don't know what "trying too hard" means either. I think if you want to see him, it's okay to say so, plan a time. If you want to text him, text. If you want to call, call. He won't know where your head is at if you're sitting back being all coy, waiting for him to contact you. Toss the guy a bone. How many men freak out that the woman doesn't text back right away and then go on this timeline...okay, I won't text for 4 days and wait for her to show interest. Screw the games. You are putting yourself out there...he's not biting.

 

The thing is, if you come on "too strong" in his mind, he can communicate with you he's not ready, and you can adjust your behavior and wait OR you can determine that he's not in the same place as you, so you end it.

 

You were both upfront about taking things slow. Now you're changing the rules, and he's not ready or is unwilling. I think six months is plenty of time to know if this is going to move forward or not. You seem to be unwilling to deal with the "not," and he likes the status quo. You are moving towards more and he is not. You will probably have to just cut him loose. You can give it a bit more time, but how much more time? After six months, you'd think he might have an clue on where he wants to go. You've already invested half a year on him. We're not getting any younger.

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To be quite honest, I think he's just been playing me for a while now and LIKES the idea of having me around although he's not looking for more. Like you said, he should know by NOW what he wants and he's still unsure and wants to take things slow. I almost feel like there's something shady holding him back.

 

Anyway, my age is certainly a factor too. Makes it harder to just "play" around back with him.

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GoneGirl32
To be quite honest, I think he's just been playing me for a while now and LIKES the idea of having me around although he's not looking for more. Like you said, he should know by NOW what he wants and he's still unsure and wants to take things slow. I almost feel like there's something shady holding him back.

 

Anyway, my age is certainly a factor too. Makes it harder to just "play" around back with him.

 

LB, I am certainly NOT the be-all-and-end-all of what to do or not do in situations like this, and I have certainly made my share of mistakes and still do, but did you read my previous post?

 

Try not pushing, or trying to force things, or "trying too hard" (his phrasing).

 

Sounds like all that's doing is causing him to remain ambivalent and stuck, preventing him from moving forward with you.

 

I dunno, see how that works. OR, if your gut is telling you he IS just "playing" you, then walk away.

 

Although I highly doubt a man who was "playing" you would bother communicating to you what he actually needs in order to move forward with you (i.e. you to stop trying too hard) or pushing which you admitted in your OP.

 

Don't toss in the towel yet.

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GoneGirl, I appreciate the advice! It's very hard to not throw it in though when I've tried ALL ways over the past months...too hard, too little, in the middle. He's also never gotten OFF of apps like Tinder and Bumble so he's still actively looking!

 

I just can't win with him which tells me it's not meant to happen and he's not interested in anything more but for whatever reason, won't admit it to me or himself.

 

And yes- I feel he's "breadcrumbing" me. He gives me JUST enough to keep me hooked and then when he sees I still am, he retreats. It's a constant dance which is disheartening and disappointing and after so long, makes me feel like sh**.

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GoneGirl32
GoneGirl, I appreciate the advice! It's very hard to not throw it in though when I've tried ALL ways over the past months...too hard, too little, in the middle. He's also never gotten OFF of apps like Tinder and Bumble so he's still actively looking!

 

I just can't win with him which tells me it's not meant to happen and he's not interested in anything more but for whatever reason, won't admit it to me or himself.

 

And yes- I feel he's "breadcrumbing" me. He gives me JUST enough to keep me hooked and then when he sees I still am, he retreats. It's a constant dance which is disheartening and disappointing and after so long, makes me feel like sh**.

 

Well, with this new info, especially him still having active profiles on Tinder and Bumble (apologies if you mentioned that earlier), after six months, yeah probably time to call it quits.

 

So sorry LB. :(

Edited by GoneGirl32
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Thank you and again- I appreciate it.

 

I don't think I mentioned that part. I guess I try to forget it. Lol. That's why I'm at the point I'm at. I don't want to continue to be just an option or a filler for his time. I'm done doing that and again- feeling like that.

 

It's time to move on and walk away.

 

Thanks again!

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