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Saying "I love you" and not said back


CloudyHead

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I've been dating a guy exclusively for over 6 months. About a month ago I told him that my feelings for him were deepening towards being in love and if I needed to rein in my feelings as I could do so at that point. He said no. We talk several times a day but mostly see each other on weekends.

 

Fast forward to now and I tell him that I love him. His response - I am getting there. I like you and I care about you and I don't want to stop seeing you.

 

I'm not sure where to go from here. My feelings are hurt. My way of dealing with this is to put up a wall and pull away. Any advice?

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I've been dating a guy exclusively for over 6 months. About a month ago I told him that my feelings for him were deepening towards being in love and if I needed to rein in my feelings as I could do so at that point. He said no. We talk several times a day but mostly see each other on weekends.

 

Fast forward to now and I tell him that I love him. His response - I am getting there. I like you and I care about you and I don't want to stop seeing you.

 

I'm not sure where to go from here. My feelings are hurt. My way of dealing with this is to put up a wall and pull away. Any advice?

 

Pretty much. I'd pull away too. Do it.

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have you told him about your hurt feelings?

 

Always good to communicate and if he will be honest with you, where does he see your relationship in the future?

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Gr8fuln2020
I've been dating a guy exclusively for over 6 months. About a month ago I told him that my feelings for him were deepening towards being in love and if I needed to rein in my feelings as I could do so at that point. He said no. We talk several times a day but mostly see each other on weekends.

 

Fast forward to now and I tell him that I love him. His response - I am getting there. I like you and I care about you and I don't want to stop seeing you.

 

I'm not sure where to go from here. My feelings are hurt. My way of dealing with this is to put up a wall and pull away. Any advice?

 

Slow it down. You cannot always expect someone to be on the same level as you. I don't believe that is reasonable. At the least, he is being honest. He is probably a little uncomfortable and perhaps a little disappointed in himself for not being where you are. After 6-months...but only seeing each other during the weekends? Do you go on dates or is it mostly to hang out at his or your place and then sex?

 

Anyway, I've been in your shoes. Oftentimes, it takes the other person a little while longer to catch up.

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I understand feeling vulnerable after saying ILY. That's perhaps why you seem to have interpreted his response as rejection. Thing is, his response can also be read as the opposite of that: he's getting there and he wants to keep seeing you.

 

Yes, perhaps step back. It sounds like you need him to reassure you by reaching out. But that said, this is more of a glass half full situation than a glass empty one.

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SpinScratch
I've been dating a guy exclusively for over 6 months. About a month ago I told him that my feelings for him were deepening towards being in love and if I needed to rein in my feelings as I could do so at that point. He said no. We talk several times a day but mostly see each other on weekends.

 

Fast forward to now and I tell him that I love him. His response - I am getting there. I like you and I care about you and I don't want to stop seeing you.

 

I'm not sure where to go from here. My feelings are hurt. My way of dealing with this is to put up a wall and pull away. Any advice?

Its understandable that your feelings are hurt. Even though he didnt return the gesture, his elaboration still sounds promising.

 

Where do you go from here? He heard you the first time, I wouldn't say it again until he says it.

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Our relationship is not casual or based on sex. We first met in August and decided to date exclusively in November. It's not a whirlwind relationship. We have met each other's family and friends. His mom told me she was happy I am in his life.

 

I did have a talk with him. He asked me not to push him away as I am inclined to do so. He told me had feelings of love for me. I told him I would not say it to him again until he said it to me.

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This happened in my last relationship and he eventually caught up with me, but it affected how secure I felt with him. I felt the same way that you do, very hurt and disappointed when I realized that my deeper feelings weren't reciprocated, at least not for a while. He eventually admitted to being in love with me but he always had trouble expressing his feelings and it was very hard to be in a relationship where I didn't feel like he was all in and easily able to let me know that. I wish I had pulled back at the time and agree with the others that it would be a good idea to create some space for yourself to process this.

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You cannot always expect someone to be on the same level as you.

 

In addition depending on how he was raised, viewed adult relationships when he was young, his parents relationship style, his own communication style and a whole laundry list of psychological and social traits… don’t assume anything.

 

Go by his actions and always communicate. If he is not running from your declaration, that is a good sign. If he starts backing away and actions change will be clear to you.

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I would have jumped ship months ago....I have my own policy...I wait for no one...if we can't be on the page emotionally, then the relationship is out of balance and it will not work. You shouldn't feel hurt and confused in a relaitonship or be held at the edge of your seat wondering if it will ever happen....cut the cord.

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He's decided to date you exclusively and he's being honest with you. That's worth a lot IMO. I'd give him time. Some people are very cautious about making themselves vulnerable.

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He's decided to date you exclusively and he's being honest with you. That's worth a lot IMO. I'd give him time.

 

I agree completely. It takes time for a relationship to develop and it seems like his actions are telling you that he loves you and he wants to be with you. There's a lot to be said for that.

 

When I first told my boyfriend that I loved him, he said "Thank you. I feel the same way..." I walked away totally confused and a little disappointed. But, his actions told me that he loved me. He finally said "I love you" a few days later, and everything was fine. We joke about it now.

 

I can understand why you would feel disappointed and concerned. But, don't be too quick to throw away what you've built with this man... Hang in there and see what happens. Give him a little time and I'm sure, the words will come...

Edited by BaileyB
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I would have jumped ship months ago....I have my own policy...I wait for no one...if we can't be on the page emotionally, then the relationship is out of balance and it will not work. You shouldn't feel hurt and confused in a relaitonship or be held at the edge of your seat wondering if it will ever happen....cut the cord.

 

This. Move at your own pace and if SO can't keep up, toss em. Sounds cold and heartless, tough biscuits. A relationship, to me, is mutual in all ways. Once an imbalance occurs, address it and attempt to bring things back into balance. If balance can't be restored, next.

 

Anyone that can actually say that "I feelings of love for you" but can't say I love you has some issues that I ain't dealing with.

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SoThatHappened
He's decided to date you exclusively and he's being honest with you. That's worth a lot IMO. I'd give him time. Some people are very cautious about making themselves vulnerable.

Also agree.

 

I've fallen in love with my current girlfriend of 4 months. Told her so a couple weeks ago.

 

She hasn't said it back yet (for fear of things being to good to be true), but she is absolutely head-over-heels for me.

 

I'm fine with it. A big boy/girl can state their feelings without fear of reciprocation.

 

I'd rather her know I'm in love than hide it. I'm fine with her being afraid and holding back on that rather than her just saying it to appease me.

 

As quoted above, some people are very cautious about making themselves vulnerable.

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Also agree.

 

I've fallen in love with my current girlfriend of 4 months. Told her so a couple weeks ago.

 

She hasn't said it back yet (for fear of things being to good to be true), but she is absolutely head-over-heels for me.

 

I'm fine with it. A big boy/girl can state their feelings without fear of reciprocation.

 

I'd rather her know I'm in love than hide it. I'm fine with her being afraid and holding back on that rather than her just saying it to appease me.

 

As quoted above, some people are very cautious about making themselves vulnerable.

 

And some big boys/girls don't fear a lack of reciprocation, they simply live by their rules and don't compromise on some things that they deem important.

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Our relationship is not casual or based on sex. We first met in August and decided to date exclusively in November. It's not a whirlwind relationship. We have met each other's family and friends. His mom told me she was happy I am in his life.

 

I did have a talk with him. He asked me not to push him away as I am inclined to do so. He told me had feelings of love for me. I told him I would not say it to him again until he said it to me.

 

YOU did not heed what he said when you originally brought the love word up and then you went right ahead only a month later and said it again and expected him to follow suit.

I know you want him to be head over heels in love with you, but you pushed it and now you are upset as he did not say it back to you.

 

YOU engineered a "situation" and are now unfortunately paying the price for your impatience.

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You chose to say ILY.

 

His response sounded honest and therefore fine to me.

 

You gotta take the responsibility for saying it - it's not his fault if he isn't quite there yet.

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Saying ILY can mean different levels of emotional attachment to different people. Many people are very free with the words but not with corresponding actions. Much better to have someone who treats you like they love you even if they have trouble with the words.

Edited by Jiveballer
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I do take responsibility for saying ILY. I've had time to think about it and I don't regret saying it. He has had bad relationships in the past. So have I. He is extremely guarded with his emotions. He acts as though he loves me. He holds my hand in public and kisses me in public. He includes me in all parts of his life.

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I do take responsibility for saying ILY. I've had time to think about it and I don't regret saying it. He has had bad relationships in the past. So have I. He is extremely guarded with his emotions. He acts as though he loves me. He holds my hand in public and kisses me in public. He includes me in all parts of his life.

 

His actions, IMO, are more important than words. That said, I would not wait forever. But it's unrealistic to expect everyone in a relationship to be on the same page all the time. I have been in plenty of LTRs where I said ILY first and had to wait, and others where it was said to me and it took me a while to come around. Everyone moves at their own pace, and that's OK.

 

All that said, you don't want to get hurt and you don't want to wait forever. Be smart, but don't expect everything to happen in lockstep. That's unrealistic, even in the best of relationships.

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So, OP, as example, when you and he visit his family and he gives his mother a big hug and kiss to welcome her, or when you leave and he says goodbye, does he tell her he loves her? Etc, etc.

 

Look for style. If he's expressive of his love with other intimates but not you, and if you're dating exclusively and having regular sexual relations, I'd be concerned.

 

The way I came to look at it many years ago is telling and intimate I love them is my gift to them, in that moment, and gifts do not come with expectations. However, if my gift closet is getting emptied over time into the abyss of an unappreciative partner, then that bore scrutiny. ILY means different things to different people and I came to see that expression as one component of compatibility. For myself, my style (yours may and likely does vary), ILY's always preceded sex since emotional love precedes the expression of it through sex in my style. Other people have their own styles. If two meet, they do; if not, not.

 

Six months is a long time, even if you only spend weekends together. What's your goal? What's his goal? That old relationship thing, communication. Good luck!

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He may not know what you mean by saying that. Love can mean a lot of things.

 

There's the "I have loving feelings toward you" I love you's.

 

Then there's the "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you" I love you's.

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When things aren't clearly understood between people....feeling's can get hurt.

 

(If a woman ever says that to me again, I plan on asker her what that means to her. Likewise, If I ever develop loving feelings for another woman, I'm going to need to know with myself what my motives are for sharing that with them, before I say it)

Edited by whatnot
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During my daily conversation with boyfriend today, he said that he did love me. We were talking about his work day and out of the blue he said "I do love you." He went on to say that he had felt that way about me as well but I caught him off guard by saying it as he wasn't expecting to hear it at that time.

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