Online dating doesn't work for me?

[mushroomlol]

So I've been using online dating since 2015. I am kind of picky when it comes to meet up with people. So far I've only seen 9 people. 2 of them lasted more than 3 months. My reason being picky is only because I feel tired of faking and if I am not truly interested or that person doesn't have anything specifically that makes me wanna know more I wouldn't want to waste the time to meet up.

 

Lately I've been seeing this guy for more than 2 months now but I got this feeling that this time wouldn't work as well. It becomes frustrating again. My friend says online dating prob isn't working for me cuz it's been such a long time that I use it yet I have no luck in it. I tried using meetups but the activities I like usually have a crowd of older people (like in their 40s/50s). And honestly yea I don't use meetup often as well.

 

Should I keep using online dating? Or any other ways to meet up with fun people to hang out with with the potential of developing a relationship? Any advice is appreciated.

[Tressugar]

For the most part, online dating doesn't work. I'm not sure where this notion comes from that "it'll work for me."

 

I personally know a guy who's been doing the online dating faithfully for over 23 years! He still hasn't found the woman of his dreams. Then I know someone (a woman) who got married to a person from online and has two kids by the guy. She's not happy, but at least she got her two kids (a life long accomplishment) and she's not living alone in life, so in essence it worked for her.

 

You gotta answer the question yourself. What do you want to get out of online dating? OLD is not a means to an end, only a tool. Times are different now and there's a lot of undesirable ppl on there who are predators.

 

Just continue to enjoy life and when it's time to meet the person for you, and you will know, things will fall into place effortlessly.

[BaileyB]

Online dating didn't work for me either. I hated it!

 

I've asked myself this question a million times... I think it comes down to two things - putting yourself in social situations where there is the opportunity to meet someone and dumb luck.

 

I tried for years and years... singles events, playing sports, taking classes, blind dates... And then one day, I didn't want to go to a gathering but I decided to make the effort - and there he was... He lives five minutes away from me, we grew up in the same area, we have so much in common... had I not forced myself to go out that night, I would hate to think that I would never have met him.

 

For years, I thought that it would never happen for me. I watched my friends get married and have kids while I continued to meet people and try to make it work when I knew, it wasn't meant to be. But, when I met my boyfriend I knew pretty early that there was something different about this and it did, just fall into place effortlessly. So don't give up, when it happens you will know.

 

You just have to live your life and stay open to meeting new people. I wish you luck.

Edited April 16, 2017 by BaileyB

[reeseyummy]

I think you are doing better than you think you are. You said 2 of them lasted for 3 months, I think that's a achievement... Mine was one ex (dated for 6 months), others were 3 dates. Haha!

 

I think online dating is just a tool. There are lots of ways to meeting more people, and sometimes knowing people who are not in your circle through online dating can be refreshing.

 

I'm saying this to myself too, but don't stop trying. We will meet the right one someday

[kendahke]

So I've been using online dating since 2015. I am kind of picky when it comes to meet up with people. So far I've only seen 9 people. 2 of them lasted more than 3 months. My reason being picky is only because I feel tired of faking and if I am not truly interested or that person doesn't have anything specifically that makes me wanna know more I wouldn't want to waste the time to meet up.

 

Lately I've been seeing this guy for more than 2 months now but I got this feeling that this time wouldn't work as well. It becomes frustrating again. My friend says online dating prob isn't working for me cuz it's been such a long time that I use it yet I have no luck in it. I tried using meetups but the activities I like usually have a crowd of older people (like in their 40s/50s). And honestly yea I don't use meetup often as well.

 

Should I keep using online dating? Or any other ways to meet up with fun people to hang out with with the potential of developing a relationship? Any advice is appreciated.

 

I'm curious on how you use the apps.

 

How much time do you invest between first communication and seeing them in person for the first time?

[CptInsano]

Keep in mind that online dating may not work for a specific location, or an age group, or for a particular kind of person you are searching. It may not be that it doesn't work for you, but that it doesn't work for your circumstances. In either case, it is time to make a chance in the way you get to know men.

[FoundLove]

For the most part, online dating doesn't work.

 

 

Online dating working for me - I've been happily married for 3 years now.

[Tressugar]

For the most part it doesn't.

 

Working for you?! Wait...You are still dating while being happily married? Well it takes all kinds of folks.

Edited April 16, 2017 by Tressugar

[stillafool]

OP how old are you?

[kendahke]

Online dating working for me - I've been happily married for 3 years now.

 

It worked for my sister--she's been married 12 years now.

 

It worked for a coworker of mine, too--she's been married over 8 years and has 2 children.

[Shining One]

For the most part, online dating doesn't work.

Define "doesn't work". Within my circle, everyone who has used OLD has gotten more dates than when they didn't use OLD.

[salparadise]

I am kind of picky when it comes to meet up with people.

 

9 people.

2 of them lasted more than 3 months

seeing this guy for more than 2 months now

 

I got this feeling that this time wouldn't work as well. It becomes frustrating again.

 

I think you're attributing difficulty in finding a long-term partner or marriage to the wrong factors. If you're picky, yet have met nine people and had three "relationships" that lasted several months each, many people would deem that successful. It depends on expectations and how you define success.

 

Websites have very limited scope... the best they can possibly do is put you in touch with other singles who are interested in dating. What you do with that is up to you, just like meeting people in life. You've explored nine possibilities that wouldn't have otherwise been available to you. How can you blame the website for the fact that you ultimately found all nine of these people to be unacceptable despite having been discriminating in the initial selections?

 

Your expectation includes the outcome; all they provide are possibilities. Perhaps you should explore more possibilities (not be so picky). How do you know you're not passing up good prospects because their profiles aren't up to your standards? Or just accept that you're looking for a needle in a haystack and are unlikely to find it no matter how many men you date.

[Tressugar]

"Doesn't work" is definitely a broad term.

 

Each person would have to define that term, not me. Everyone's responses will be different.

 

If you're looking to get laid, get a date then you'll find plenty on OLD. That can also be accomplished by standing anywhere long enough. Now if you're looking for something more meaningful, long term, substantial connection OLD may not be the medium you'd want to solely invest in.

 

It works for very few as in my aforementioned post and for most it doesn't...again outlined in the same post.

[Shining One]

Now if you're looking for something more meaningful, long term, substantial connection OLD may not be the medium you'd want to solely invest in.

I think sal's post hit the nail on the head. OLD isn't about finding long-term, fulfilling relationships. It's about getting people to meet, nothing more. What happens at that point is up to the people in question.

 

With that being said, I don't think anyone should invest in any single source of dates.

[salparadise]

For the most part, online dating doesn't work. I'm not sure where this notion comes from that "it'll work for me."

 

I personally know a guy who's been doing the online dating faithfully for over 23 years! He still hasn't found the woman of his dreams.

 

Ah, so your expectation includes the dream?

 

Then I know someone (a woman) who got married to a person from online and has two kids by the guy. She's not happy, but at least she got her two kids (a life long accomplishment) and she's not living alone in life, so in essence it worked for her.

 

But not necessarily dreams + happiness, is that correct?

 

"Doesn't work" is definitely a broad term.

 

Uh huh, agreed.

 

If you're looking to get laid, get a date then you'll find plenty on OLD. That can also be accomplished by standing anywhere long enough. Now if you're looking for something more meaningful, long term, substantial connection OLD may not be the medium you'd want to solely invest in.

 

Well, standing anywhere and looking available may work for attractive women, or women in general, but for guys... not so much.

 

It works for very few as in my aforementioned post and for most it doesn't...again outlined in the same post.

 

Again, depends on the expectation and degree of pickiness. Women are the optimizers of the gene pool. They are biologically wired to seek only top men for reproductive opportunities. If they broadened the acceptability criteria to include the top third or half of men the success rate (based on your definitions) would be much, much higher, people would be happier, and togetherness could happen sooner... albeit at the cost of having a bunch of genetically average progeny.

[OatsAndHall]

OLD has strayed away from what it's original intent which was to provide a convenient way to meet people that you were compatible with. The process itself has convoluted the convenience and I found it actually made it to be a more difficult way to meet people and set up dates. There are a lot of factors involved and both men and women can shoulder their share of the blame on it.

[Tressugar]

*pops collar*

[mushroomlol]

I'm curious on how you use the apps.

 

How much time do you invest between first communication and seeing them in person for the first time?

 

I guess to begin with, I prefer conversations before actually meet up in person. The conversation does not need to be long or frequent, just a general idea of the person is enough. But usually a lot of guys won't put efforts in it - there's either no conversation to start with (meaning we matched but no one talks) or they stopped replying to messages.

 

Honestly it usually takes me 3-5 days to meet person. If I keep contact with that person during this period, I am more than happy to meet. Like I said I usually not prefer long conversations simply because I don't want to set expectations high before meeting in person. But I do prefer keep in contact for a several days.

[mushroomlol]

I think you're attributing difficulty in finding a long-term partner or marriage to the wrong factors. If you're picky, yet have met nine people and had three "relationships" that lasted several months each, many people would deem that successful. It depends on expectations and how you define success.

 

Websites have very limited scope... the best they can possibly do is put you in touch with other singles who are interested in dating. What you do with that is up to you, just like meeting people in life. You've explored nine possibilities that wouldn't have otherwise been available to you. How can you blame the website for the fact that you ultimately found all nine of these people to be unacceptable despite having been discriminating in the initial selections?

 

Your expectation includes the outcome; all they provide are possibilities. Perhaps you should explore more possibilities (not be so picky). How do you know you're not passing up good prospects because their profiles aren't up to your standards? Or just accept that you're looking for a needle in a haystack and are unlikely to find it no matter how many men you date.

 

I guess you are right that I should change my attitude towards online dating. I want a long term relationship. My friends found them via online dating yet I tried but did not succeed. I said I am picky because I only met 9 person in 2 years yet my friends would usually go out with 10 person in 2 weeks.

[coolheadal]

You can change your profile and reflect who you want and what your willing to tolerate. Some women do that on OKC. I do not know how well they're dates go though. But i never dated those. It takes time to click with someone but you should only date someone you feel is a good match with. So not everyone going to be the right person for you. I see there are a lot of women with kids they're kids come first. Then the guy me would either consider going out with her. To me those never work out right. If the women is still married that's a big no. But like I said some dates can last a very long time and even into marriage but those are the lucky ones. Takes time. I am seeing one now but been like 9 - 3 months not together so 9 months of knowing them. The issue is with dating online the people who use that can't find anyone in the open world because we are raised that everyone is a stranger. Our minds don't know how to deal with new friends or how to go about asking someone out who's a stranger. So online dating is the place to be. Meet-ups don't work for everyone either.

[salparadise]

I guess you are right that I should change my attitude towards online dating. I want a long term relationship. My friends found them via online dating yet I tried but did not succeed. I said I am picky because I only met 9 person in 2 years yet my friends would usually go out with 10 person in 2 weeks.

 

 

It's a numbers game in one sense. The more people you meet the better the chance of finding someone you really click with. The problem is that we only have a limited amount of time and emotional energy. You don't want to wast any of that on people you know aren't a good match, but you can't tell that much from a profile or from messaging online. You have to meet them to get a good feel for their personality, and if all seems good you have to spend time getting to know them. So you have to find the right balance in these things.

 

I think a lot of women try to pre-qualify too much. It seems rational at first glance since they get far more messages/opportunities than men, and you have to narrow it down somehow. But you can't find chemistry by analyzing criteria. Chances are that the person who you will have the chemistry with won't be the best looking or the most intriguing based on the profile. Just go on coffee date or walks with a bunch of guys (who don't have obvious deal breakers), don't get invested right away, and see if one of them still feels like a good match and stand out from the rest. It sounds like that's what your friends did.

[leogirl876]

I think OLD doesn't work for a lot of people because they're not satisfied with the person they found and think the next person they meet will be even better. It's like "oh, look at all these people I have to choose from, I'm sure someone even better is out there". That goes for both men and women. I've tried OLD a couple times and I've seen the same men on there from like 2-3 years ago! Seriously? And you can't know on the first couple of dates if you'll click with someone, but everyone seems to think that so nobody ever finds anyone. I think OLD is a hopeless cause, and I'm not getting back on!

[leogirl876]

Isn't online at least 80 percent men? It should work more for women.

 

There may be more men, but there's a lot of flakes on there. And so many women have been burned enough that they become jaded.

[mushroomlol]

I think OLD doesn't work for a lot of people because they're not satisfied with the person they found and think the next person they meet will be even better. It's like "oh, look at all these people I have to choose from, I'm sure someone even better is out there". That goes for both men and women. I've tried OLD a couple times and I've seen the same men on there from like 2-3 years ago! Seriously? And you can't know on the first couple of dates if you'll click with someone, but everyone seems to think that so nobody ever finds anyone. I think OLD is a hopeless cause, and I'm not getting back on!

 

This is also my other presumption about OLD - that you either develop a relationship or break it up with the person you sees. So sometimes if the guy doesn't want to become exclusive I will hold back.

[salparadise]

There may be more men, but there's a lot of flakes on there. And so many women have been burned enough that they become jaded.

 

 

True. Same for the women. Lots of undatables of both genders. A range of attitude issues from jaded and cynical to always-someone-better to those who believe they deserve the sun and the moon and will hold out 'til hell freezes over.

 

You all may be a different generation, but for us older folks it shakes out like this... half of the population gets married and stays married. That would be the half that is inherently harmonious, stable and able to sustain relationships. The other half is on OLD. They're single for a reason. Half of those have personality disorders, abusive backgrounds, uneducated, asymmetrical, or generally undatable for obvious reasons.

 

From the remaining handful you then have to identify someone who doesn't have any serious issues (minor ones only), is convinced that you don't either, likes how you smell, is willing to overlook your asymmetry, and wants something real enough to call it a deal. It's really, really hard to find that person.

 

But it's not OLDs fault. It's just how humans are. Evolution has built certain traits into our genetic code to optimize the gene pool while maximizing outcomes. Men and women have offset mating strategies. The natural result is that men (except top five percenters) have trouble finding mates largely because women have trouble finding males they deem suitable. Everyone wants someone, but instead of saying 'good enough' we spend our lives being dissatisfied and doing nature's bidding. Eventually you have to either say 'good enough' or spend your life optimizing and being frustrated. But this stuff operates mostly in the subconscious, so people just feel unlucky.

 

On Sexual Selection

 

An optimal decision is a decision that leads to at least as good an outcome as all other available decision options. It is an important concept in decision theory. In order to compare the different decision outcomes, one commonly assigns a relative utility to each of them. If there is uncertainty as to what the outcome will be, then under the von Neumann–Morgenstern axioms the optimal decision maximizes the expected utility (utility averaged over all possible outcomes of a decision).

Edited April 17, 2017 by salparadise