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OatsAndHall

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OatsAndHall

I had a great date last night with a woman that I met through professional channels last fall. Her and have chatted a few times over the last few months but I had been in an on-again/off-again relationship so I didn't ask her out until recently.

 

I had a stalker awhile back and I have since learned to do a little bit of background research on the women I date. I had done a little bit of poking around on the woman that I went out with last night but nothing substantial came up. I did some more research this morning on her ex-husband and found out some seriously disturbing stuff:

 

1. The news articles that came up are from a major news paper in a large metropolitan area and it was headline news. There were several of them, the oldest one is nine years old and the newest one is two years old.

 

2. The guy was extremely abusive towards her. The articles included her testimony and it was graphic. He is also mentally ill.

 

3. She has a permanent restraining order against him. He lives nearly 3,000 miles away and is on probation for the rest of his life. He can't leave that state without violating the terms of his probation and he has to wear an ankle bracelet, PERMANENTLY.

 

4. She has son and a daughter with him and he has to give up parental rights as they are also on the permanent restraining order. I don't know if he has done so yet.

 

So, at this point, I am pretty spooked and disappointed. We had a great time last night, I will be seeing her today at a community function and we have another date set up for next weekend. She's a pleasant woman that is very down to earth and easy to talk to. She has always struck me as kind of meek and reserved and this whole thing goes a long way towards explaining why.

 

Obviously, my gut feeling here is to run away as fast as I can. This is some seriously scary stuff. However, we had a good time together and I'd hate to call everything off so early over something her ex did to her nearly a decade ago. Especially given the precautions taken to keep him away.

 

I'm at a total loss right now and could use some advice.

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Yep, I agree, this is a toughy.

 

My immediate thought is to give it a few more dates. You like her. You enjoy her. She seems to have her head on straight. You met her through professional circles, so one would think she isn't a hot mess. The only thing that you see as a negative is that she seems a bit meek and reserved, and without the knowledge of her background, you might have said she is a bit shy.

 

That's an explosive background. Oh, yes, there will be triggers and PTSD issues. A decade later, one would hope she has worked through her issues including counselling, maybe antidepressants, and learning coping skills. She's raising babies on her own and needs to keep herself together. In a relationship, these triggers can and will pop up, and the question is if she deals with these triggers in a healthy manner, rather than emotionally unraveling and projecting her ex's past behaviors onto you.

 

The thing is, you just don't know. Without the knowledge you have, you would have gone out a few more times and see where things go.

 

A crazy ex is not something I want to bring into my life. I was chatting with someone I met on OLD, and during that time frame, the ex (who he initially said was not a problem) pulled some pretty crazy sh**, and was the reason for one cancelled date, and I thought, NOPE. I do not need to deal with that. This woman's ex could be problematic, but he seems to be adequately restrained.

 

After a couple more dates, she might "spill the deets" because she's genuinely interested in pursuing you long-term and wants you to know what is going on with her past, and that she's "over it," or adequately coping and mentally healthy.

 

This really is difficult because run away is a very valid response. Given she seems emotionally stable, I would probably go out a few more times and see where it goes. I tend to be a glutton for punishment, but I don't want to throw away a good thing on a "maybe." I don't want to look back and think, "What if." You will be seeing her today, and you have a date lined up. Follow through and see where it goes. Just enjoy. Get some smooching out of it.

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OatsAndHall
Yep, I agree, this is a toughy.

 

My immediate thought is to give it a few more dates. You like her. You enjoy her. She seems to have her head on straight. You met her through professional circles, so one would think she isn't a hot mess. The only thing that you see as a negative is that she seems a bit meek and reserved, and without the knowledge of her background, you might have said she is a bit shy.

 

That's an explosive background. Oh, yes, there will be triggers and PTSD issues. A decade later, one would hope she has worked through her issues including counselling, maybe antidepressants, and learning coping skills. She's raising babies on her own and needs to keep herself together. In a relationship, these triggers can and will pop up, and the question is if she deals with these triggers in a healthy manner, rather than emotionally unraveling and projecting her ex's past behaviors onto you.

 

The thing is, you just don't know. Without the knowledge you have, you would have gone out a few more times and see where things go.

 

A crazy ex is not something I want to bring into my life. I was chatting with someone I met on OLD, and during that time frame, the ex (who he initially said was not a problem) pulled some pretty crazy sh**, and was the reason for one cancelled date, and I thought, NOPE. I do not need to deal with that. This woman's ex could be problematic, but he seems to be adequately restrained.

 

After a couple more dates, she might "spill the deets" because she's genuinely interested in pursuing you long-term and wants you to know what is going on with her past, and that she's "over it," or adequately coping and mentally healthy.

 

This really is difficult because run away is a very valid response. Given she seems emotionally stable, I would probably go out a few more times and see where it goes. I tend to be a glutton for punishment, but I don't want to throw away a good thing on a "maybe." I don't want to look back and think, "What if." You will be seeing her today, and you have a date lined up. Follow through and see where it goes. Just enjoy. Get some smooching out of it.

 

To be honest, I'm quite attracted to her shy demeanor as it's disarming. She is relatively talkative (the date lasted three hours and conversation was good) and her quiet nature made it relaxing. She did let a little bit of sarcasm flow last night after she became comfortable with me which was great. I tend to attract women who are very cynical and sarcastic and that has been fun to a point but, often times, that attitude has been a sign of a temper. So, dating a woman who is reserved might be good for me.

 

We ran into each other at the community event today and chatted for awhile. Her mother was there and shot me a strange look but I kind of expected that. Her whole family is in this area and I imagine they're pretty protective of her.

 

I'm going to keep pursuing this as it seems worth it and because her ex is on a pretty tight leash. The guy maybe a looney-tune but he'll spend serious time in jail if he screws up at at all. The news articles were detailed about that aspect. I wouldn't be continue to see her if he were in the area though. I would be an anxious mess if he were even in this state.

 

My initial reaction this morning was due to my past experience with my ex-wife's ex.. He was a violent drunk that caused many problems over the years that her and I were together. Restraining orders, no trespassing orders, etc.. etc.. The guy was out of control.

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I had a great date last night with a woman that I met through professional channels last fall. Her and have chatted a few times over the last few months but I had been in an on-again/off-again relationship so I didn't ask her out until recently.

 

I had a stalker awhile back and I have since learned to do a little bit of background research on the women I date. I had done a little bit of poking around on the woman that I went out with last night but nothing substantial came up. I did some more research this morning on her ex-husband and found out some seriously disturbing stuff:

 

1. The news articles that came up are from a major news paper in a large metropolitan area and it was headline news. There were several of them, the oldest one is nine years old and the newest one is two years old.

 

2. The guy was extremely abusive towards her. The articles included her testimony and it was graphic. He is also mentally ill.

 

3. She has a permanent restraining order against him. He lives nearly 3,000 miles away and is on probation for the rest of his life. He can't leave that state without violating the terms of his probation and he has to wear an ankle bracelet, PERMANENTLY.

 

4. She has son and a daughter with him and he has to give up parental rights as they are also on the permanent restraining order. I don't know if he has done so yet.

 

So, at this point, I am pretty spooked and disappointed. We had a great time last night, I will be seeing her today at a community function and we have another date set up for next weekend. She's a pleasant woman that is very down to earth and easy to talk to. She has always struck me as kind of meek and reserved and this whole thing goes a long way towards explaining why.

 

Obviously, my gut feeling here is to run away as fast as I can. This is some seriously scary stuff. However, we had a good time together and I'd hate to call everything off so early over something her ex did to her nearly a decade ago. Especially given the precautions taken to keep him away.

 

I'm at a total loss right now and could use some advice.

 

You should be running away. Why are you dating a single mother? Understand that her husband sounds like a nut job, you should be questioning why she stayed long enough to have two kids with him if he was crazy. I'd suspect that she has her own issues going on that haven't made an appearance. Trust your gut it's not lying to you.

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The Urbanyst

Ignoring obvious red flags when dating is a sign of at least one of the following things:

 

#1: The person ignoring the red flags is stupid

#2: The person ignoring the red flags is desperate

 

Want to know the secret to a happy dating life? Don't be stupid and don't be desperate.

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It sounds like her ex is far and removed enough to not be a problem anymore. Plus he's electronically tagged by the law so he's being watched.

 

Remember that just because she's a victim of abuse doesn't mean she's done anything wrong. Kids being involved in that situation complicates things. And so far she hasn't done anything wrong to you, so give her the benefit of the doubt until you do find some concrete behaviour based red flags. Should you be concerned? Yes, it's likely a relationship with her might be more complicated than most, but it's not an absolute.

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Cookiesandough

That's a difficult sitch. I don't think I'd continue. Too potentially messy. Yeah, it sucks when we make a connection and it turns out this way. Maybe continue to see her, but stay sharp. Like bob said, no one knows the whole story but them :S

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Ignoring obvious red flags when dating is a sign of at least one of the following things:

 

#1: The person ignoring the red flags is stupid

#2: The person ignoring the red flags is desperate

 

Want to know the secret to a happy dating life? Don't be stupid and don't be desperate.

 

Or 3: the person is worth it.

 

Op - I understand your concern, but can you really hold this against her?

 

How would you feel if she held your ex stalker / break in chick against you?

 

Sure it's not ideal, but why blame her for something she had no control over?

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Or 3: the person is worth it.

 

Op - I understand your concern, but can you really hold this against her?

 

How would you feel if she held your ex stalker / break in chick against you?

 

Sure it's not ideal, but why blame her for something she had no control over?

 

My concern would be the emotional backlash after having been in such a violent relationship. These issues would be PTSD issues, and those can be hard to overcome. As I said earlier, hopefully she has adequately worked through these issues and has learned coping skills, but these can be really hard to overcome and there are triggers. There will definitely be a little more drama than a "normal" relationship when stuff like this pops up, but if she hasn't really learned coping skills, this could be one h*ll of an emotional roller coaster relationship. Walk into this relationship with eyes wide open.

 

You bring up a really good point. Has the OP told his lady that he had a stalker who broke into his house? And she's local? This could easily have her running for the hills. The OP's focus seems to be more how this man can wreak havoc on his life (their life), but this ex is so far away and heavily restricted, it will hopefully not be an issue.

 

I agree, hopefully a circumstance outside of the OPs control will not be a deal-breaker, and vice versa, and they both give it a try and see where it goes. It sounds promising so far.

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OatsAndHall
Or 3: the person is worth it.

 

Op - I understand your concern, but can you really hold this against her?

 

How would you feel if she held your ex stalker / break in chick against you?

 

Sure it's not ideal, but why blame her for something she had no control over?

 

I am going to keep dating her and see how things go. I have done my fair share of dating since my divorce and this date with her was different from the rest. I suppose I could best describe it as feeling "real". Basically just two adults who are attracted to each other, having a conversation.

 

I have thought a lot about her ex over the last 24 hours or so and I am less concerned about her ex at this point. She has been divorced from him for a long time and he has been completely out of the picture. He would have caused problems awhile ago if he was going to do so. Plus, she's from a large family in a small community, conservative community. So this guy would probably just disappear, "Deliverance" style, if he decided to be an idiot. That sounds like a joke but it's honestly not, lol.

 

Plus, it's just a few dates at this point. Something may come of it, something may not. But, I'll give it a shot. You made a good point about my stalker-ex. I'd have a hard time if someone wouldn't date me because of her.

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How is any of this a problem? I don't get it...she had a really rough past relationship a decade ago. Seems a bit dramatic on your part.

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Unless you've never had a relationship in the past, then that means that your picker is off. All of our pickers are off if we are single again and still looking. Your picker is also off if you keep pining after people who don't want you.

 

But there is a limit to this. Some people's picker is more off than others. And on top of that they haven't learned anything. They have no idea how to fine tune their picker and worse, they don't take any responsibility for picking someone horrible!

 

I'd want to find out from her how she feels about this. If she's just all blaming him for being a crazy person and never taking any responsibility for picking a crazy person and not paying attention to any of the signs that he was crazy, or leaving early when she should have, then she has no hope and I'd get rid of her now. I'd do the same to a guy.

 

People who say they don't like a certain type or this or that, but then still date that type can't be believed/trusted and are drama-queens and will be nothing but trouble.

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OatsAndHall
Sorry, I'm confused. Have you broken up with your LDR gf yet?

 

Yes, it's done. I realized it was long over-due after reading through the two threads that I posted about the situation and thinking long and hard about all of it. I tossed up a post about it under the LDR threads.

 

I had to think long and hard about whether or not this woman that I went out with was going to be a rebound but it's not the case. I was quite relieved about the break-up and was actually in a much better place because of it.

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OatsAndHall
Unless you've never had a relationship in the past, then that means that your picker is off. All of our pickers are off if we are single again and still looking. Your picker is also off if you keep pining after people who don't want you.

 

But there is a limit to this. Some people's picker is more off than others. And on top of that they haven't learned anything. They have no idea how to fine tune their picker and worse, they don't take any responsibility for picking someone horrible!

 

I'd want to find out from her how she feels about this. If she's just all blaming him for being a crazy person and never taking any responsibility for picking a crazy person and not paying attention to any of the signs that he was crazy, or leaving early when she should have, then she has no hope and I'd get rid of her now. I'd do the same to a guy.

 

People who say they don't like a certain type or this or that, but then still date that type can't be believed/trusted and are drama-queens and will be nothing but trouble.

 

That is something that I am going to be paying attention to. I knew that she was divorced when I asked her out but I didn't know know that it had been such a bad situation. I decided to research him on a whim as I didn't know if he was still in the area. I live in a small, rural community and wandered if this was a guy that I had crossed paths with. I certainly wasn't going to ask her about that on the date so my poking around was sheer curiosity.

 

I have had contact with her on several occasions prior to our date and she hasn't given me a "victim" or "drama queen" vibe as of yet. Quite the opposite, actually. The best way to describe her is as a "hot librarian", if that make sense.

 

But, again, we'll just see how things go. I have been dating quite a bit since my divorce but it's not because I am desperate or needy. I am perfectly comfortable on my own but I do enjoy the company of women and going on dates. I've only had one relationship that lasted longer than two months since my divorce and that's because I move slowly, enjoy the dating process and keep my eyes open. Sometimes I call things off after a few dates, sometimes they do; it's just the nature of the beast.

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