Drawing A Line When Taking Responsibility.

[OatsAndHall]

I will preface this by saying that I will always apologize to a person when I have made a mistake or acted inappropriately. I take responsibility for my actions and my behaviors. However, I feel like I have been falling on the sword pretty consistently in my last few relationships, just to keep the peace.

 

For example, my ex-girlfriend was frustrated with me because I had offered to take her out to a nice dinner at an expensive restaurant but I got nailed with a big medical bill and simply couldn't afford it. She asked if we were going out to dinner and I explained that I couldn't afford it because I took a hit financially. I offered several alternatives but she was still upset about it instead of just accepting the reality: I DIDN'T HAVE THE FRIGGN' MONEY. I ended up apologizing to her just to placate her and diffuse the situation.

 

"I'm sorry that you're upset, we'll go to out to ____ when I can afford it."

 

Another example. In the relationship before that, I went over to my girlfriend's house to watch movies. I was working as a mental health counselor at a youth treatment facility at the time and had a rough day at work (I had to restrain a kid and got bitten.). I wasn't in a bad mood when I got over there but I was physically and emotionally exhausted from the day. I was a little distant, she asked me why and I explained that I was just fried from having a bad day. She was upset that I was distant and quiet and (I was a friggin' zombie..) and basically demanded an apology for hurting her feelings. Again, I placated her and apologized.

 

These are just two of many experiences I have had over the years. Admittedly, I am a bit of a black and white thinker and have worked hard at being more empathetic in these situations. But, there have been many times where I feel like I would have been well within my rights to draw a line and state that I have done nothing wrong and, as such, I will not apologize. That may sound a little harsh but I start to feel like I am enabling a behavior in these situations.

[Ronnys93]

It's not good for yourself when you start to apologize for things that don't need apologizing. Another thing 'I'm sorry that you feel that way' is not a real or honest apology. I'm not saying you're wrong here, but it just goes to show that you didn't REALLY need to apologize in these situations if what you're saying is true. I don't think it's harsh to say that you are enabling their behavior, I think it's actually the truth. I personally would have walked away from the situation momentarily until things cooled down and then addressed the issue with the reality of the situation. Let them know that you will discuss it at a later time when the both of you are at a better head space. Easier said than done though.

[Telemachus]

In the first scenario, unless it was a time specific offer, you did nothing wrong. However, if your offer was a date, you were late to renegotiate the commitment, and you were wrong. I can't think of an invitation disclaimer about intervening expenses, and I doubt you included one in the original offer. There's a possibility you still haven't accepted responsibility, even if you said otherwise to her. If you put money aside for the dinner when you extended the offer, no subsequent expense would be relevant to whether or when you followed-through.

 

In the second scenario, you apologized for her being upset. I don't get it. You did neither of you a favor by apologizing. You should perhaps apologize for offering a fake apology. Why not just let her be upset in the same way you wanted her to let you be quiet, or just go home?

 

Apologizing without meaning it is a passive-aggressive behavior, and it isn't nearly as nice as you claim it to be.

[preraph]

Imperfect communication will cause the occasional misunderstanding. Maybe in your mind, it's all real clear, but you haven't shared enough for her to get it. But overall, I would just say that the lack of empathy was on the part of these two ladies. Anyone who can't understand how a medical bill can cause a big financial hit may be too young or inexperienced to be dating!!

[OatsAndHall]

In the first scenario, unless it was a time specific offer, you did nothing wrong. However, if your offer was a date, you were late to renegotiate the commitment, and you were wrong. I can't think of an invitation disclaimer about intervening expenses, and I doubt you included one in the original offer. There's a possibility you still haven't accepted responsibility, even if you said otherwise to her. If you put money aside for the dinner when you extended the offer, no subsequent expense would be relevant to whether or when you followed-through.

 

In the second scenario, you apologized for her being upset. I don't get it. You did neither of you a favor by apologizing. You should perhaps apologize for offering a fake apology. Why not just let her be upset in the same way you wanted her to let you be quiet, or just go home?

 

Apologizing without meaning it is a passive-aggressive behavior, and it isn't nearly as nice as you claim it to be.

 

I guess I have become a trained dog in this respect.. My ex-wife would demand apologies because according to her logic, if you hurt someone's feelings, even inadvertently, you owe them an apology. In our six years together, I would apologize for hurting her feelings, no matter how ludicrous it was. I bought into that logic for a long time so it's kind of become ingrained in me.

 

And you are correct, apologizing without meaning it to placate someone isn't an apology at all.