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She doesn't want exclusivity?


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Hey everyone,

 

So about 4 weeks ago I started seeing a great girl. We get along really well and have a ton in common. We've had 7 dates. Our first kiss was on our third date, and we had sex twice on our 6th date - although she didn't want to stay the night.

I haven't dated anyone since our first date, but she's been on 3 other dates - no intimacy in any.

 

Throughout our time together she has sent me very sweet texts saying she misses me after 1 day apart, calls me, and has said she can see me as her husband and having children with me. When she looks ten years down the road she still envisions me in her life. All great stuff. And she even invited me to her sisters wedding in August already!

 

On our seventh date we went for a walk and at the end of it I brought up exclusivity saying "I'm not interested in dating other people, nor have I been, and I would like to be exclusive with you". To which she responded saying she doesn't want to dive head first in to a relationship, and she would like to get to know me better before calling me her boyfriend and solidifying things. She said she's not interested in being intimate with anyone else, but would still like to meet people in a platonic way. However, she still remains to be active on OKCupid.

 

I'm really confused. Because I have super strong feelings towards her. She essentially rejected my advance to be exclusive makes me want to pull back a little.

 

I guess my questions are.. Why would she not want exclusivity when she already invited me to a wedding, we're intimate emotionally and physically, and she's not interested in dating or being intimate with anyone else?

I want to still send her sweet texts and be flirty, but I don't want to make her feel pressured at all. Should I pull back a little and let her do the pursuing now?

 

Or is she just keeping me around, until something better may come along?

 

Thanks for the help!!

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OK before we dive into equal amounts of analysis and projection - can you tell us a little more about her background?

 

- how old?

- how long has she been single?

- what was her last real relationship? how long did it last? why did it end?

 

Those are all pertinent items.

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She said no to exclusivity with you. You are a placeholder. She's been on 3 other dates? If I go on a date with a woman and she dates another guy after...well, that's the last date she and I will have. Period.

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Oh boy, where do I begin? Exclusivity to most people is the most confusing parts of dating. When is the right time is the question always asked. After reading your details i'd say this isn't just a yellow flag, but more like a red flag. You've done her the courtesy of not dating anyone, even though she's been very open with you about her dating other men. I would have had a problem with that after the 3rd date or so personally. You've been physical to the point of sex too which is normally a time when exclusivity would come up for both the man and woman. Her OKCupid profile being active is a red flag. Point is there's just a lot of RED in this whole post

 

What it comes down to is how patient are you? If you need exclusivity and want it now then you've gotta talk to her. If you're ready and expecting it, but she's still messing around with other guys or on OKCupid then there has to be some communication. It's unhealthy for one person to feel like the relationship may be stronger than it is to the other person. You also said she wasn't physical with the other guys on her dates, but how do you know that 100%? I don't mean to be a downer, but really, how do you know for sure?

 

Maybe she's just a hard woman to sell on exclusivity, but I would be skeptical of her if I were you and I'd have the talk ASAP. Why don't you want exclusivity? Why are you still on OKCupid? What are we doing here?

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She's telling you she's keeping her options open. She doesn't have strong feelings for you that's pretty obvious...time to move on.

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Plenty of people date, with no definite plans to be in a relationship. She wants to keep meeting other guys - she may like you a lot, but maybe she doesn't have a good basis for comparison, and is afraid of making a mistake by limiting herself too soon. My wife was like that - she had very little dating experience in her life, so worried that I was too good to be true. We continued dating, she met other guys, and I kept looking better and better. So, she may just want a higher degree of certainty before choosing exclusivity.

 

So yes, you can pull back a bit to protect yourself, and see where it goes. She sounds like she's worth a little more time; will you regret it if you break it off, not knowing what could have been?

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-I'm 28, she's 27.

-She's been single for about 2 months. But tells me she's a 'demisexual'

-her last real relationship was about 8 months ago, and it ended because he was abusive in some ways, lied, and had 2 kids which she was unaware about. And the one before she was dating for 4 years and months before their wedding he came out of the closet..

 

I should have mentioned her OkCupid profile is set to just meeting friends. And her profile write up isn't typical of that looking for a relationship.

 

If she didn't have strong feelings for me, why would she tell me she sees me in her future, imitates hand holding, kissing, and sex?

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Plenty of people date, with no definite plans to be in a relationship. She wants to keep meeting other guys - she may like you a lot, but maybe she doesn't have a good basis for comparison, and is afraid of making a mistake by limiting herself too soon. My wife was like that - she had very little dating experience in her life, so worried that I was too good to be true. We continued dating, she met other guys, and I kept looking better and better. So, she may just want a higher degree of certainty before choosing exclusivity.

 

So yes, you can pull back a bit to protect yourself, and see where it goes. She sounds like she's worth a little more time; will you regret it if you break it off, not knowing what could have been?

 

Ya I think breaking it off would be silly. She also mentioned she's never dated before. Most of her relationships just went from hanging out platonically to full on relationships without the courting phase.

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-I'm 28, she's 27.

-She's been single for about 2 months. But tells me she's a 'demisexual'

-her last real relationship was about 8 months ago, and it ended because he was abusive in some ways, lied, and had 2 kids which she was unaware about. And the one before she was dating for 4 years and months before their wedding he came out of the closet..

 

I should have mentioned her OkCupid profile is set to just meeting friends. And her profile write up isn't typical of that looking for a relationship.

 

If she didn't have strong feelings for me, why would she tell me she sees me in her future, imitates hand holding, kissing, and sex?

 

 

Well my opinion doesn't change much based on that. MAYBE give her a little more leeway, but you've gotta ask what the deal is exactly? When will be the right time for you if not now?

 

It may be a pressure packed question, but damn, people need clarity no?

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IMO, I would say slow down. You've only known her a month and you have strong feelings! If that's the case, I'd be careful.

 

It doesn't seem like she's that interested if she doesn't want to be with you exclusively. So I guess she's okay with you dating other females right now?

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Simple Logic

I see her point of view. You had 7 dates and sex once. She is not ready to be a possession yet.

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IMO, I would say slow down. You've only known her a month and you have strong feelings! If that's the case, I'd be careful.

 

It doesn't seem like she's that interested if she doesn't want to be with you exclusively. So I guess she's okay with you dating other females right now?

 

Well I asked her.. 'should I date other people' and she said I could but she doesn't want to lose me. When we talked deeper on this topic she said 'what if this is just a honey moon phase? Will you even want to be with me a year from now?'

 

So it seems like she has a lot of fear around dating - based on her past.

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You also don't want to be a rebound, considering she's not been out of a relationship but 2 months.

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I see her point of view. You had 7 dates and sex once. She is not ready to be a possession yet.

 

Okay. So what do you suggest I do then?

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-If she didn't have strong feelings for me, why would she tell me she sees me in her future, imitates hand holding, kissing, and sex?

 

She does have strong feelings, she does think you have a future, and so is intimate with you. Given her past bad experiences and poor choices, she's going to be wary of repeating those mistakes by moving too fast. This is the same scenario I faced when dating my wife - she needed to be sure she wasn't repeating old mistakes. Once she got past that, though, I've never encountered anyone before or since who is remotely as good a match.

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Well I asked her.. 'should I date other people' and she said I could but she doesn't want to lose me. When we talked deeper on this topic she said 'what if this is just a honey moon phase? Will you even want to be with me a year from now?'

 

So it seems like she has a lot of fear around dating - based on her past.

 

She also has a valid point about the honeymoon phase....after all, you don't really know a person that well in a month.

 

She may very well have some fear! Be certain not to come on too strong because that's unattractive to females

 

Maybe you both need more time to get to know one another better, before committing.

 

How long ago was your last relationship, cross?.

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She does have strong feelings, she does think you have a future, and so is intimate with you. Given her past bad experiences and poor choices, she's going to be wary of repeating those mistakes by moving too fast. This is the same scenario I faced when dating my wife - she needed to be sure she wasn't repeating old mistakes. Once she got past that, though, I've never encountered anyone before or since who is remotely as good a

 

 

Just because there was intimacy, doesn't mean that she sees a future with him. Sex is just sex to a lot of people.

 

I guess the main thing I'm looking at is if she was that interested and shared those strong feelings, then she would want the exclusitivity. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it by the way I would be, if it were me in her situation.

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Just because there was intimacy, doesn't mean that she sees a future with him. Sex is just sex to a lot of people.

 

I guess the main thing I'm looking at is if she was that interested and shared those strong feelings, then she would want the exclusitivity. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it by the way I would be, if it were me in her situation.

 

I'm believing her when she has brought up on multiple occasions that she has stated 'I see myself getting married to you' 'you would be a great dad', etc

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If I may be so bold, you're 27, you've found a girl you like, she obviously likes you and she gives you sex. Wonderful!

 

After 7 dates, you're asking her to commit herself to you, but in fairness, you barely know each other and you're young. So she'd prefer that you both date other people, you still get to have sex and enjoy your time with her.

 

You know what you call a girl like that? A REAL FIND.

 

Girls like that (women, whatever) were the best girlfriends I ever had. They were in no rush to get tied down, because they had options. It kept me on my toes, because I didn't want to lose someone like that and when I thought about it, the bonus was that I had options too. Now that you're dating a nice girl, you can look around and try to date up. Play your cards right and you'll be dating two or three high caliber women at the same time! You can be choosy now.

 

Women at that age are as close to perfect as you're ever going to get. Just for reference's sake, the three of mind that I can think of that were like that took about 5 months, 6 months and 8 months before becoming exclusive even showed up on their radar. By then, I was in no hurry for that, and I gave some pushback when they each broached the subject, because I HAD OPTIONS. See how that works?

 

Besides, nobody wants someone who is emotionally easy, so don't be.

 

Do not get rid of this one just because she's not ready yet. Start with an "I've been thinking ..." and accept her proposal enthusiastically. Make her your Saturday night girl if you like her that much. Go look for new ones on Friday night. Maybe see her one other time a week. Enjoy some pal time with your male friends. Participate in sports, that should take up a night or two. Take a class or something too, because you have time and freedom. Show her that you have a rich life and you will be rewarded. Hang out like a vampire bat and you will be ditched. See if she'll eventually come to you the way that you tried to glom onto her. You have nothing to lose.

 

Oh, to be young again! :lmao: No, seriously, enjoy this while you can.

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She also has a valid point about the honeymoon phase....after all, you don't really know a person that well in a month.

 

She may very well have some fear! Be certain not to come on too strong because that's unattractive to females

 

Maybe you both need more time to get to know one another better, before committing.

 

How long ago was your last relationship, cross?.

 

So I should wait for her to make the next plans with me, and text me, etc?

Should I see other people and go on dates?

 

And my last relationship ended mid December of last year. However I was emotionally and physically out of that relationship in October. Been on 24 dates since then and then found this girl.

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I'm believing her when she has brought up on multiple occasions that she has stated 'I see myself getting married to you' 'you would be a great dad', etc

 

Oh okay. Understood. I personally think that's also a little strange considering it's only been a month.

 

I know I would never mention a future and kiss with someone I've only known a month.

 

But I now see where you're coming from.

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So I should wait for her to make the next plans with me, and text me, etc?

Should I see other people and go on dates?

 

As for seeing other people - only if you want to.

 

As for interacting with her - if you are serious about wanting a relationship with her then don't change a single thing that you do. Be steady Eddie. Seriously. Don't ramp anything up or down. Based on what you've said I am of the mindset that she's a little gun shy and aware enough not to make you a rebound guy. She is relaxing into you and her feelings for you. Be the rock and let her surround you if she chooses.

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TheTraveler
If I may be so bold, you're 27, you've found a girl you like, she obviously likes you and she gives you sex. Wonderful!

 

After 7 dates, you're asking her to commit herself to you, but in fairness, you barely know each other and you're young. So she'd prefer that you both date other people, you still get to have sex and enjoy your time with her.

 

You know what you call a girl like that? A REAL FIND.

 

Girls like that (women, whatever) were the best girlfriends I ever had. They were in no rush to get tied down, because they had options. It kept me on my toes, because I didn't want to lose someone like that and when I thought about it, the bonus was that I had options too. Now that you're dating a nice girl, you can look around and try to date up. Play your cards right and you'll be dating two or three high caliber women at the same time! You can be choosy now.

 

Women at that age are as close to perfect as you're ever going to get. Just for reference's sake, the three of mind that I can think of that were like that took about 5 months, 6 months and 8 months before becoming exclusive even showed up on their radar. By then, I was in no hurry for that, and I gave some pushback when they each broached the subject, because I HAD OPTIONS. See how that works?

 

Besides, nobody wants someone who is emotionally easy, so don't be.

 

Do not get rid of this one just because she's not ready yet. Start with an "I've been thinking ..." and accept her proposal enthusiastically. Make her your Saturday night girl if you like her that much. Go look for new ones on Friday night. Maybe see her one other time a week. Enjoy some pal time with your male friends. Participate in sports, that should take up a night or two. Take a class or something too, because you have time and freedom. Show her that you have a rich life and you will be rewarded. Hang out like a vampire bat and you will be ditched. See if she'll eventually come to you the way that you tried to glom onto her. You have nothing to lose.

 

Oh, to be young again! :lmao: No, seriously, enjoy this while you can.

 

Listen to this post OP. This is very good advice

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So I should wait for her to make the next plans with me, and text me, etc?

Should I see other people and go on dates?

 

And my last relationship ended mid December of last year. However I was emotionally and physically out of that relationship in October. Been on 24 dates since then and then found this girl.

 

If I were in your situation. I would wait and let her make the call! I do know one thing for a fact and that's what I stated above....if you're coming across as too clingy, that will push her away. Women like to know that you're interested but not THAT interested...especially at first.

 

As far as you dating others, if I were you, I definitely would date others, considering she doesn't want to be exclusive right now. Who knows, you may find someone that you like better that is ready to be exclusive.

 

If you're still seeing one another in a couple of months, that should be ample time to have that conversation again, IF you think it's a possibility on her end as well and if she's stopped dating others.

 

How long was your previous relationship? And I take it you're completely over your last gf?

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As for seeing other people - only if you want to.

 

As for interacting with her - if you are serious about wanting a relationship with her then don't change a single thing that you do. Be steady Eddie. Seriously. Don't ramp anything up or down. Based on what you've said I am of the mindset that she's a little gun shy and aware enough not to make you a rebound guy. She is relaxing into you and her feelings for you. Be the rock and let her surround you if she chooses.

 

* that should be "sure! If you want to see other people"

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