I don't understand his thoughts?

[CarbonCopy]

I apologize in advance, this will be long...

 

I have been seeing someone I met online for the past month and a half or so. Since the beginning I have always been the one to initiate our dates, most of the texting, etc. It had been bothering me lately because I didn't know if he was interested in me or just a truly passive person.

 

On Sunday night I surprised him with dinner at a steakhouse (a client had given me a gift certificate there so our meal and drinks were free, wooho). We had a lovely time and it was truly great. He told me afterwards that he'd never forget this night. I was so happy.

 

After dinner we went back to his house and got intimate. We were laying there talking afterwards and I again brought up the fact that it bothers me that he's not pursing me. He said he respects me a lot and that's why he's reluctant to pursue me because he doesn't want to lure me into whatever he has going on (his issues, I guess) and he doesn't want me to become jaded and bitter like him.

 

Some background: he's 43. He was engaged when he was 30 and his ex-fiancee left him 6 weeks before the wedding. She's the only woman he's been in love with. He was devastated and he didn't date or have sex with anyone for 2 years after that. His last serious gf was 3 years ago. They were together for 2 years and lived together, but one night he found her hooking up with some guy in a parking lot so that was it. After that he said he's pretty much given up on love and serious relationships. He doesn't want to get married. He told me on our very first date that he's not looking for a serious relationship (meaning leading to marriage) and I said that was fine because I'm not sure I even believe in marriage anyway. I was ok with dating and seeing where it goes.

 

So back to last night. I tell him that I feel like he's rejecting me when he doesn't pursue me but he says he's doing it intentionally. He's not rejecting me, he likes and wants me, but he doesn't want to seek me out because he feels guilty. He said I deserve more than he can give and he doesn't want to hurt me and have me become like him.

 

He also said something really crazy like he was raised to believe sex is for serious relationships or relationships that are heading that way/towards marriage. And that that's another reason he doesn't have sex with me more often but he knows he's a hypocrite because he has no intention of getting married but he feels that way about me. I was like what??? So having sex with me more than once a week is disrespecting me?

 

I don't know what to make of all of this. I don't think he's lying because it's just too far out to make up and he's not the type to lie. But I feel like he's putting me on some weird pedestal and isn't taking my feelings into consideration. I don't know how to make him see that I WANT him to chase me (doesn't even have to be a lot, but SOMETHING). I don't want him to feel guilty about "using" me. I am a willing participant! He's not "disrespecting me" by having sex with me even though he's not looking for a serious relationship. I have never been in a situation like this before and I'm lost.

[frus69]

He likes you, but not that much. He doesn't like you enough to pursue anything serious. While you say you are taking it casual now,you want to see where it goes. He knows if it's going good, you'd want it to be something serious. Maybe not marriage, but some commitment, maybe a family and kids. He knows he doesn't want that, or doesn't like you enough to provide that so he doesn't want to chase you only to disappoint you eventually.

[hippychick3]

He very much knows you want him to chase you. He, unfortunately, just doesn't like you enough to chase you. Sorry, OP. What he said sounds like a bunch of hogwash. He doesn't want anything serious. He is not emotionally available. He is not good relationship material at all.

[preraph]

When a man tells you you deserve more than he can give or you are too good for him or he is bad news or will only make you unhappy, please believe him and move on. No one would tell you that idly. It is a big admission. He knows he is going to fail and you cannot save him. He knows he will disappoint or hurt you. He isn't giving you any real encouragement but is just going along for the ride, and now that you have been warned, he will figure he can do whatever he wants because you have been warned, and that this lets him off the hook and absolves him of responsibility.

 

Run.

[CarbonCopy]

He very much knows you want him to chase you. He, unfortunately, just doesn't like you enough to chase you. Sorry, OP. What he said sounds like a bunch of hogwash. He doesn't want anything serious. He is not emotionally available. He is not good relationship material at all.

 

But I'm not asking for a relationship! I literally have not asked him for anything. I'm not asking for him to be my boyfriend, or to text me everyday, see me 5x week, etc. I know perfectly well that he doesn't want anything serious and that's fine! I'm not looking for a boyfriend necessarily either -- and if I was, it would take me a LONG time to get to that point as I have my own commitment issues as well.

 

I guess he's just not interested.

[hippychick3]

But I'm not asking for a relationship! I literally have not asked him for anything. I'm not asking for him to be my boyfriend, or to text me everyday, see me 5x week, etc. I know perfectly well that he doesn't want anything serious and that's fine! I'm not looking for a boyfriend necessarily either -- and if I was, it would take me a LONG time to get to that point as I have my own commitment issues as well.

 

I guess he's just not interested.

 

He is afraid that eventually you will want a relationship, so he's letting you know now that he does not want one. He is not chasing or pursuing you because he doesn't want you to misinterpret that as him being overly interested. He is actually doing you a favor by being honest and upfront so you can (and should) find someone better.

[CarbonCopy]

He is afraid that eventually you will want a relationship, so he's letting you know now that he does not want one. He is not chasing or pursuing you because he doesn't want you to misinterpret that as him being overly interested. He is actually doing you a favor by being honest and upfront so you can (and should) find someone better.

 

Ok, but again... I never said I wanted anything serious either. Isn't he kind of overstating his importance?

 

What is wrong with dating and it NOT leading to something serious?

[hippychick3]

Ok, but again... I never said I wanted anything serious either. Isn't he kind of overstating his importance?

 

What is wrong with dating and it NOT leading to something serious?

 

Nothing is wrong with it as long as you lower your expectations.

[CarbonCopy]

Nothing is wrong with it as long as you lower your expectations.

 

Ok. So what should my expectations be?

[frus69]

But I'm not asking for a relationship! I literally have not asked him for anything. I'm not asking for him to be my boyfriend, or to text me everyday, see me 5x week, etc. .

You didn't ask him to text you everyday or see you 5x week, but you want him to text you some and initiate seeing you some days a week. And he cant do even that. And even if you didn't explicitly say what you want, he can sense it. And he cant give it.

 

 

 

Ok. So what should my expectations be?

I feel like you are lying to yourself about "I don't want anything serious". Do you really never going to want anything serious? well he never wants that.

And let's just say you never want any commitment whatsoever and purely want to enjoy the fun in dating and being pursued, you should find someone who also likes the fun and pursuing women. He does not. He is wounded,hurt,jaded,bitter. He hasn't moved on yet, his past relationships still affect him till this date. How can you expect a wounded dog to chase?

What should your expectations be? You shouldn't have any expectations at all. I'm confused you even ask this. When do casual relationships ever come with expectations at all??

[hippychick3]

Ok. So what should my expectations be?

 

Don't expect more than he's telling you he's willing to give. If what he's willing to give is not enough for you (and it certainly would not be enough for most women), then you move on.

[coolheadal]

I apologize in advance, this will be long...

 

I have been seeing someone I met online for the past month and a half or so. Since the beginning I have always been the one to initiate our dates, most of the texting, etc. It had been bothering me lately because I didn't know if he was interested in me or just a truly passive person.

 

On Sunday night I surprised him with dinner at a steakhouse (a client had given me a gift certificate there so our meal and drinks were free, wooho). We had a lovely time and it was truly great. He told me afterwards that he'd never forget this night. I was so happy.

 

After dinner we went back to his house and got intimate. We were laying there talking afterwards and I again brought up the fact that it bothers me that he's not pursing me. He said he respects me a lot and that's why he's reluctant to pursue me because he doesn't want to lure me into whatever he has going on (his issues, I guess) and he doesn't want me to become jaded and bitter like him.

 

Some background: he's 43. He was engaged when he was 30 and his ex-fiancee left him 6 weeks before the wedding. She's the only woman he's been in love with. He was devastated and he didn't date or have sex with anyone for 2 years after that. His last serious gf was 3 years ago. They were together for 2 years and lived together, but one night he found her hooking up with some guy in a parking lot so that was it. After that he said he's pretty much given up on love and serious relationships. He doesn't want to get married. He told me on our very first date that he's not looking for a serious relationship (meaning leading to marriage) and I said that was fine because I'm not sure I even believe in marriage anyway. I was ok with dating and seeing where it goes.

 

So back to last night. I tell him that I feel like he's rejecting me when he doesn't pursue me but he says he's doing it intentionally. He's not rejecting me, he likes and wants me, but he doesn't want to seek me out because he feels guilty. He said I deserve more than he can give and he doesn't want to hurt me and have me become like him.

 

He also said something really crazy like he was raised to believe sex is for serious relationships or relationships that are heading that way/towards marriage. And that that's another reason he doesn't have sex with me more often but he knows he's a hypocrite because he has no intention of getting married but he feels that way about me. I was like what??? So having sex with me more than once a week is disrespecting me?

 

I don't know what to make of all of this. I don't think he's lying because it's just too far out to make up and he's not the type to lie. But I feel like he's putting me on some weird pedestal and isn't taking my feelings into consideration. I don't know how to make him see that I WANT him to chase me (doesn't even have to be a lot, but SOMETHING). I don't want him to feel guilty about "using" me. I am a willing participant! He's not "disrespecting me" by having sex with me even though he's not looking for a serious relationship. I have never been in a situation like this before and I'm lost.

 

So back to last night. I tell him that I feel like he's rejecting me when he doesn't pursue me but he says he's doing it intentionally. He's not rejecting me, he likes and wants me, but he doesn't want to seek me out because he feels guilty. He said I deserve more than he can give and he doesn't want to hurt me and have me become like him.

 

 

You have your answer in the above. The relationship is going nowhere because of him. Not you. Not really into you the way you want him to be. So you have a bunch of excuses another silliness comments. Again he said you deserve more than he can give, right there he told you, and you are in denial. Stop seeing and stop contacting this guy. You tell him you have better things to do than to deal with his behavioral issues. This guy is damaged emotionally, and physically. Your not going to change his mindset nor him. You can do better than him he told you that you can do not settle for any man who tells you that nonsense comment.

[CarbonCopy]

You didn't ask him to text you everyday or see you 5x week, but you want him to text you some and initiate seeing you some days a week. And he cant do even that. And even if you didn't explicitly say what you want, he can sense it. And he cant give it.

 

I asked these things because I wasn't sure he was even into me. I don't mind taking the initiative but I don't want to do it for someone who doesn't even like me.

 

I feel like you are lying to yourself about "I don't want anything serious". Do you really never going to want anything serious? well he never wants that.

And let's just say you never want any commitment whatsoever and purely want to enjoy the fun in dating and being pursued, you should find someone who also likes the fun and pursuing women. He does not. He is wounded,hurt,jaded,bitter. He hasn't moved on yet, his past relationships still affect him till this date. How can you expect a wounded dog to chase?

What should your expectations be? You shouldn't have any expectations at all. I'm confused you even ask this. When do casual relationships ever come with expectations at all??

 

I'm not lying to myself. I'm not opposed to having a serious relationship with someone, provided it's the right person. As I said before, I have my own relationship/commitment issues that I need to work on. I have been single most of my life; I'm not bothered if I end up "alone."

 

You have your answer in the above. The relationship is going nowhere because of him. Not you. Not really into you the way you want him to be. So you have a bunch of excuses another silliness comments. Again he said you deserve more than he can give, right there he told you, and you are in denial. Stop seeing and stop contacting this guy. You tell him you have better things to do than to deal with his behavioral issues. This guy is damaged emotionally, and physically. Your not going to change his mindset nor him. You can do better than him he told you that you can do not settle for any man who tells you that nonsense comment.

 

I'm not trying to change him. But if his uneasiness really is about not wanting to "corrupt" me (and not a bunch of BS excuses) then I find it really weird. I'm a 31 year old woman. I'm not an angel. He's not luring me into anything. He seems to have a problem with the fact that I'm NOT looking for someone to marry. He thinks I should be looking for that. But... I don't really care. Maybe he doesn't believe me.

[greenbee81]

It's possible that he actually respects you and doesn't want to look clingy or desperate and really wants to contact you.

 

I've been told in the past that I text or call too much, or seem too willing. So I've toned it down a lot and could be seen as uninterested.

 

My current GF I text as less as possible but she texts a lot and I've told her that I don't want to seem overwhelming to her and she assured me I could text as often as possibly. Still I try to tone it down.

[CarbonCopy]

So back to last night. I tell him that I feel like he's rejecting me when he doesn't pursue me but he says he's doing it intentionally. He's not rejecting me, he likes and wants me, but he doesn't want to seek me out because he feels guilty. He said I deserve more than he can give and he doesn't want to hurt me and have me become like him.

 

 

You have your answer in the above. The relationship is going nowhere because of him. Not you. Not really into you the way you want him to be. So you have a bunch of excuses another silliness comments. Again he said you deserve more than he can give, right there he told you, and you are in denial. Stop seeing and stop contacting this guy. You tell him you have better things to do than to deal with his behavioral issues. This guy is damaged emotionally, and physically. Your not going to change his mindset nor him. You can do better than him he told you that you can do not settle for any man who tells you that nonsense comment.

 

I absolutely agree he's damaged emotionally. I can relate -- so am I, but not to the extent that he is.

[basil67]

Ok, but again... I never said I wanted anything serious either. Isn't he kind of overstating his importance?

 

What is wrong with dating and it NOT leading to something serious?

 

Dating with no view to a relationship is just another name for a friendship really. So why not dial it back? Call it a friendship and drop your expectations of him contacting you and making dates.

[GemmaUK]

You seem to be dating to 'see where it goes' and he is just dating for the time being.

 

If you're happy with that stick with it, if not then end it.

it's not going to 'go' anywhere else and he's made that clear.

[smackie9]

You contradicted yourself....you said you never asked for relationship or anything but you said in your first post :" I again brought up the fact that it bothers me that he's not pursing me".

 

Then he tells you " he respects me a lot and that's why he's reluctant to pursue me because he doesn't want to lure me into whatever he has going on (his issues, I guess) and he doesn't want me to become jaded and bitter like him".

 

Why didn't you just step in and say, "I'm ok with casually dating you and hooking up once in awhile...I'm not looking for a relationship.....we can date others np at all".

 

You are back peddling on us on what you truly want.....a word of advice....you can't sex your way into a relationship. This guy isn't stupid...he sees what we see. He doesn't want to get involved with you...accept it and move on.

[kendahke]

He doesn't like you enough to arse himself into being motivated enough to show you that he wants you. You keep doing all of the heavy lifting here, so why should he bust a sweat?

 

And his excuses are BS. Just because he's attracted two cheaters doesn't mean every woman is a cheater. He's treating you as if you're a cheater so he's going to cut his losses before you can show him that you're not his last 2 ex's.

 

Unless you want to continue doing all the chasing, all the courting, all the wooing while he sits back and takes healthy portions of it but never reciprocating, I'd say stop calling him and go find someone else who takes some initiative.

[kendahke]

Ok. So what should my expectations be?

 

That you will do all of the heavy lifting, he will sit back and take his helping of it and he will not lift a finger to pursue you--because that means he wants a relationship when he's already said he doesn't.

[stillafool]

He very much knows you want him to chase you. He, unfortunately, just doesn't like you enough to chase you. Sorry, OP. What he said sounds like a bunch of hogwash. He doesn't want anything serious. He is not emotionally available. He is not good relationship material at all.

 

Of course it's a bunch of hogwash. If he wanted you he would pursue. He certainly didn't have a problem making the 2 women who cheated on him his gf. OP he just is not that in to you and is trying to be kind about it. Stop begging him and buying him dinners because after all you said you weren't looking for anything serious so why do you need him to pursue you? Just date other men who want you.

[VeveCakes]

When a man tells you you deserve more than he can give or you are too good for him or he is bad news or will only make you unhappy, please believe him and move on. No one would tell you that idly. It is a big admission. He knows he is going to fail and you cannot save him. He knows he will disappoint or hurt you. He isn't giving you any real encouragement but is just going along for the ride, and now that you have been warned, he will figure he can do whatever he wants because you have been warned, and that this lets him off the hook and absolves him of responsibility.

 

Run.

 

This x100. I wish I had listened when my ex said this exact same thing. Here I am 8 months later still not over him.

[coolheadal]

I asked these things because I wasn't sure he was even into me. I don't mind taking the initiative but I don't want to do it for someone who doesn't even like me.

 

 

 

I'm not lying to myself. I'm not opposed to having a serious relationship with someone, provided it's the right person. As I said before, I have my own relationship/commitment issues that I need to work on. I have been single most of my life; I'm not bothered if I end up "alone."

 

 

 

I'm not trying to change him. But if his uneasiness really is about not wanting to "corrupt" me (and not a bunch of BS excuses) then I find it really weird. I'm a 31 year old woman. I'm not an angel. He's not luring me into anything. He seems to have a problem with the fact that I'm NOT looking for someone to marry. He thinks I should be looking for that. But... I don't really care. Maybe he doesn't believe me.

 

No matter what he tells you your tolerating it and stop sticking up for him here. When they say anything like you can do better than them, it means it's time to let you go. Meaning you. Yes he doesn't want to marry you. He's been damaged prior to you for marriage. Why would you tolerate that if you want to get married. You care, can't say you don't you in denial, you want it or just live with a man who treats you as he can only do now. That's why your here asking us for advise. You don't have to settle and live like this. He knows what you want, but you can't fool him or us here.

[CarbonCopy]

You contradicted yourself....you said you never asked for relationship or anything but you said in your first post :" I again brought up the fact that it bothers me that he's not pursing me".

 

Then he tells you " he respects me a lot and that's why he's reluctant to pursue me because he doesn't want to lure me into whatever he has going on (his issues, I guess) and he doesn't want me to become jaded and bitter like him".

 

Why didn't you just step in and say, "I'm ok with casually dating you and hooking up once in awhile...I'm not looking for a relationship.....we can date others np at all".

 

You are back peddling on us on what you truly want.....a word of advice....you can't sex your way into a relationship. This guy isn't stupid...he sees what we see. He doesn't want to get involved with you...accept it and move on.

 

I didn't contradict myself. I specifically said it bothered me because I wasn't sure if it was from lack of interest or if he's just a laid-back, passive person in general. If that's how he is with all women, then ok, that's who he is. But if he's not pursuing because he's not interested then it's a different issue.

 

I brought up all those points with him. Neither he nor I are seeing other people, nor are we sleeping with other people. He said he's not looking for casual sex. We have been talking to each other since late January and we have been dating since mid February. I'm not trying to sex my way into a relationship.

[CarbonCopy]

That you will do all of the heavy lifting, he will sit back and take his helping of it and he will not lift a finger to pursue you--because that means he wants a relationship when he's already said he doesn't.

 

He told me if I was a dumb bimbo he'd be going after me. But I'm not and he feels guilty.

 

Pursuing doesn't mean you want a relationship.