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Boyfriend and ex...am I just crazy jealous?


Beccamallory

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Beccamallory

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and he has kids with his ex. They've been Broken up for about 10 years and neither of them have ever disrespected me. Well this weekend they are going away for a sporting event with their kid and I can't go because of work. This is the longest they will ever be together since I've started dating my boyfriend. (She's always had a bf or I've always been around). Well they're driving up together a 10 hour drive and for some reason it's just killing me with jealousy. Theyre staying in seperate rooms but I still don't know how to not think of the worst. Please help!

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Welcome to LS!!!

 

One way to think about this is would your BF have anything to worry about if the roles were reversed? They've been apart for 10 years, if he wanted a life with her, in those 10 years, he would have pursued it, especially to put the nucleus of the family back. He does not want that, he wants to share time with his kids.

 

Honestly, this is the model of a BF / Spouse you want in that he is "taking one for the Team" in that he is traveling with his ex for his kids. His kids appear and should be his very top priority. You two have worked for the last 5 years because you have been able to respect and honor that commitment to his kids. Don't ruin this as you have a good man and he is a good father to his kids.

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I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and he has kids with his ex. They've been Broken up for about 10 years and neither of them have ever disrespected me. Well this weekend they are going away for a sporting event with their kid and I can't go because of work. This is the longest they will ever be together since I've started dating my boyfriend. (She's always had a bf or I've always been around). Well they're driving up together a 10 hour drive and for some reason it's just killing me with jealousy. Theyre staying in seperate rooms but I still don't know how to not think of the worst. Please help!

 

Is there any precedent of the two of them behaving inappropriately or bonding together while you've been with him? If so, then you have bigger things to worry about than a 10 hour trip to a weekend sporting event. If not, then figure out a way to strangle your jealousy before it makes you do something you'll regret later.

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Beccamallory

No never. They're just weirdly friends. We don't even hang out with her unless it's a kid thing. Though this weekend is a kid thing too, the fact that it's the first time they will actually be hanging with each other without any significant others just makes me jealous. I just keep thinking what if something rekindles or something happens. I don't know why I even think like this but I hate it.

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whichwayisup
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and he has kids with his ex. They've been Broken up for about 10 years and neither of them have ever disrespected me. Well this weekend they are going away for a sporting event with their kid and I can't go because of work. This is the longest they will ever be together since I've started dating my boyfriend. (She's always had a bf or I've always been around). Well they're driving up together a 10 hour drive and for some reason it's just killing me with jealousy. Theyre staying in seperate rooms but I still don't know how to not think of the worst. Please help!

 

This is your own insecurity and issue here, they are NOT getting back together and you know this. Don't let jealously get in the way. They are going FOR their kids, not a romantic getaway. Two separate rooms.

 

He hasn't given you any reason to worry right? Have faith and trust in him.

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I just keep thinking what if something rekindles or something happens. I don't know why I even think like this but I hate it.

 

What if something does? What are you prepared to do about it?

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whichwayisup
No never. They're just weirdly friends. We don't even hang out with her unless it's a kid thing. Though this weekend is a kid thing too, the fact that it's the first time they will actually be hanging with each other without any significant others just makes me jealous. I just keep thinking what if something rekindles or something happens. I don't know why I even think like this but I hate it.

 

If that happens and that's a big IF, it's out of your control. IF he wants to cheat on you with her, nothing is going to stop him from doing so.

 

NOTHING is going to happen. They are great coparents to their kids and on good terms which is a win-win for the sake of their kids.

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CaliforniaGirl

I wouldn't worry. They're exes for a reason and you say you've never sensed anything inappropriate. They have kids together so it is great that they can get along.

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jealous thoughts are going to be normal, but from what you have posted absolutely nothing is going to happen......this is all about the kids, not them. I think it's great that they have been civil with each other for this many years and are able to do things to this length with the kids. I suggest you be more positive and trusting towards your BF.

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I don't know why I even think like this but I hate it.

 

It might help to write out everything and follow every lead back to its source and then you will figure out why you are doing this. Make sure it's not irrational, superfluous clutter creeping into the equation and muddying up everything.

 

Out of curiosity: what are the dynamics between you and your ex? Are you two civil? Do you share children with an ex?

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Beccamallory

I have no children and I'm not civil with my ex. I don't believe in staying friends with exes that's just me. I also understood what I was getting involved with my current boyfriend and his children or I wouldn't still be here 5 years later. His ex has just always had boyfriends and has never been alone with him so I really didn't think of anything much until this trip came up. I can admit I'm insecure.

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There's nothing anyone can say here that is going to get rid of your jealousy. From what you say, it appears unfounded in action or intent. But the thing about emotions is that they don't have to be rationale to be real. As important, however, is if you let them rule your actions, they have the potential to ruin great things.

 

So, as was said above, journal about it. Pour your insecurity and jealousy into paper or computer so that you physically and mentally engage another part of you.

 

And then tell your BF that you are uncomfortable. Don't tell him that anything needs to change because the formula for that is wrong. If you tell him, "Here's the behavior that you do that I don't like and I want you to stop," you will not have a lasting relationship past this point.

 

On the other hand, telling him calmly (after your journaling) that for some reason you don't understand, him traveling with his ex makes you uncomfortable, that you don't want him to change his behavior, but that you want him to know so that he understands what you're going through, you will have communicated.

 

And communication is key to healthy relationships, especially when you hit crises.

 

Good luck!

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CaliforniaGirl
I have no children and I'm not civil with my ex. I don't believe in staying friends with exes that's just me. I also understood what I was getting involved with my current boyfriend and his children or I wouldn't still be here 5 years later. His ex has just always had boyfriends and has never been alone with him so I really didn't think of anything much until this trip came up. I can admit I'm insecure.

 

I can understand that a trip could trigger jealous feelings, at least briefly. But honestly, as loaded as the visuals of "a trip away" (even a school one) can be, face it, if they wanted to sleep together, either they'd never have broken up in the first place, or they'd have broken up or gotten back together, or it would have happened during these five years you've known him...right? It doesn't take any trip away to have sex with someone. All it takes is willingness, a private place of any description, and less than half an hour.

 

He's not interested in sleeping with her. They're doing this for the kids. Like you, I haven't remained friends with any of my exes. But then again, I'm not raising children with any of my exes. When that happens, the couple can either make things absolutely excruciating and hostile and make themselves and the kids all miserable, OR they can try to pull up their big pants and be friendly or at least civil. Your BF is doing the latter. Good for him.

 

My sister and ex-BIL were very friendly and even helped one another at various times after their divorce. There was NO hanky-panky, trust me. And five years after their divorce my sister remarried and then shortly thereafter my BIL also remarried. Their daughter is now grown but stuff still comes up that they have to communicate on. They're fine with it and my niece has definitely benefited from not having to be in a hostile "I hate my ex!!!" situation between Mom and Dad.

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I have no children and I'm not civil with my ex. I don't believe in staying friends with exes that's just me. I also understood what I was getting involved with my current boyfriend and his children or I wouldn't still be here 5 years later. His ex has just always had boyfriends and has never been alone with him so I really didn't think of anything much until this trip came up. I can admit I'm insecure.

 

Think about how great your relationship is with your boyfriend. All the things he does for you and that you do for him. Think about all the birthdays and dinners and holidays and all the good in your relationship. If you can't find a lot of good, then I can see why you would be insecure, but if you know you have a solid, mutual giving and loving relationship, then implant that into your head. He would never risk losing that. That's is what you should be telling yourself and not worry about something is very very unlikely to happen in the given situation.

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I would be mad with jealousy right now and feeling the exact same as you. What if? I mean, they could hook up, and it was a mistake and it didn't mean anything, but what if??

 

I get it.

 

I think you are involved in the best little situation all around. I grew up in a bitter divorce with my parents, and there was no way I was doing that to my kids when I got divorced. Now, me and the ex are not "best friends," but we can share air space and get along well enough. I have no desire to be pals with the new wife, but she's not a raging you-know-what and rather nice, and we can share air space too. There's no way on God's green earth I would ever rekindle anything with that man. Were it not for those kids, I would blissfully leave his sorry butt behind. I wouldn't even attempt 10 hours in a car with him if there were alternatives. I'm sure we would bicker if we did, or I would just secretly wish I could punch him in the face.

 

Your boyfriend and his ex get along, including you, "the other woman," and "the other men." You're not dealing with the drama of your boyfriend lamenting that his ex is taking him to court yet again, yada, yada, and the "tramp" he's with, etc. You've been together for FIVE years, and you and her get along, and if those two were going to "accidentally" fall into bed together, I think it would have happened by now.

 

Put this seething, green-eyed monster to bed. I definitely feel your pain, because this would be so hard for me too, but I think things are going to be okay, and you have zero to worry about.

 

Another thought -- 10 hours in a car, a captive audience with no escape, might just remind them both why they got divorced in the first place, if there was ever a chance they forgot.

Edited by act00
Thought of something else.
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Beccamallory

I appreciate every single one of your responses. Now help me get the heck through this weekend without constant thinking about them in the car or them in a hotel.

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Eternal Sunshine

Speaking from my own experience with men, it's very easy to fall into a bed with a significant ex after a few drinks and/or if she comes on to him. Even if he is crazy in love with you, even if it's completely meaningless and one-off, even if initial motivation was 100% about the kids. All it takes is a moment, men and sex are weird like that, men are terrible at resisting it when on offer.

 

IMHO, he shouldn't have put you in this position with 1-1 road trip and so much alone time with her. It would make most people uncomfortable.

 

Hope he is a better man than ones I have been dating.

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Beccamallory

It's not like I wasn't invited though, I was supposed to go. I can't just tell him to not go since the whole trip is to watch his kid in a competition. And his kids are both tweens I would hope as a mother she wouldn't come on to him with them right there. My anxiety is already in full effect because of the possible what ifs.

Edited by Beccamallory
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No never. They're just weirdly friends. We don't even hang out with her unless it's a kid thing. Though this weekend is a kid thing too, the fact that it's the first time they will actually be hanging with each other without any significant others just makes me jealous. I just keep thinking what if something rekindles or something happens. I don't know why I even think like this but I hate it.

 

I just keep thinking what if something rekindles or something happens. I don't know why I even think like this but I hate it. -- When you stop feeling like you have control over anything like this, you'll be able to relax. The cold hard reality is that if those two rekindle anything, it's because they want to. A partner can't build a fence high enough to keep someone else in.

 

If you have no prior reason not to trust your boyfriend, you need to rest in that trust unless and until you get that reason to distrust.

 

Keep yourself busy and focused on YOU. They've been apart for 10 years. If they were going to rekindle anything it would have more likely happened a long time ago.

 

Successful co-parenting relationships are supported by the new partner without drama. Be supportive of him and his admirable ability to do what he needs to do as a father even though he has his own new life now. He can't do that if he senses that you are stressing over all this. He doesn't need to be wondering about or worrying about what he may come home to after the trip.

 

And, if you are living with the What Ifs, you are missing out on the What's Now because you're stressed and not focused and messing up the good things you have right in front of you. And, here's another piece of wisdom -- be able to deal with things as they come. There is a saying that people use when times are bad -- "This too shall pass". This may sound negative but that statement applies to when things are good. So enjoy the good while you have it. If you love him and are enjoying your relationship, focus on that first and foremost. What will be will be. Deal with it then.

Edited by Redhead14
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Gr8fuln2020
It's not like I wasn't invited though, I was supposed to go. I can't just tell him to not go since the whole trip is to watch his kid in a competition. And his kids are both tweens I would hope as a mother she wouldn't come on to him with them right there. My anxiety is already in full effect because of the possible what ifs.

 

The two have been apart for 10 years, right? Yeah, I agree with Readhead14, I think something would have happened long ago if it was meant to be. You were invited and couldn't go. Ok. He isn't trying to hide you and it would appear that you've met his children already, right? Or would have?

 

Relax and communicate with him as per normal during this. Have him send pics. :-)

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I have no children and I'm not civil with my ex. I don't believe in staying friends with exes that's just me. I also understood what I was getting involved with my current boyfriend and his children or I wouldn't still be here 5 years later. His ex has just always had boyfriends and has never been alone with him so I really didn't think of anything much until this trip came up. I can admit I'm insecure.

 

Is your boyfriend the sort who will forget he's in a relationship with you the minute he's out of your line of sight? Why would he now give her intimate attention just because she's riding in a car with him and their children? If he wanted to be alone with his ex, that can be taking place right now when you're at work or out shopping.

 

I think the truth that you don't want to see is you don't trust your boyfriend to honor you in your absence around his ex when you can't be there to monitor them both. Saying "I trust him, I don't trust her" is saying "you can't trust him to act right when you can't see it". Don't conflate your incivility for your ex and how you view ex's with how you think he should consider his ex. That's not going to happen. He has a right to proceed with his ex in the manner in which he has, especially for the sake of their children, it's better that they are civil to one another.

 

It might be a good idea to work with a therapist on your insecurity issues if they are bothering you that much.

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Beccamallory

He would never forget he's in a relationship. We've been together for 5 years. He's just a super nice guy to everyone and I know these days that's mistaken a lot for flirting.

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Beccamallory

You guys are all right though. I'm just going to be driving myself crazy wondering about him all weekend. I already am.

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I can see why it would bother you.

 

You're afraid that:

1. They might hook up since they have a history.

2. He will like the feeling of having his family back together and will start wondering what could have been.

 

Is that it?

 

If either of those things happen, he isn't the guy for you.

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