Girlfriend still friends with ex-husband

[rdunsany]

I have a bit of a complex situation I'm hoping to get some advice on. My girlfriend of 3 years is friends with her ex-husband and it's causing some anxiety on my part.

 

When we first got together, she told me that she was still friends with her ex and that, if I was looking change that and tell her who she would be friends with, it wouldn't go well for me. We were in the early, halcyon days of our relationship and so I was okay with this, as one is okay with just about anything at that stage.

 

As time has gone on and our relationship has settled, I became less okay with it. Partially, I felt this was prompted by the fact I had never met the guy. She only hung out with him when I wasn't around. We don't live together, so normally that was a matter of just seeing him when I was unavailable. Then, we had an instance where I was there and it was assumed I would leave when he came by. I did so kind of without thinking about it and only later did the fact bother me.

 

I confronted my GF about this and asked to meet her ex. She reluctantly agreed and, though she didn't make any plans or actions to make it happen, a situation came up where he needed to swing by when I was there and, in this case, I stayed and met him. It was awkward, but nothing groundbreaking happened.

 

This settled me somewhere, but something about it still bothered me. Then one day, while doing an awful thing and snooping, I found an e-mail he sent her. In this e-mail, he told her how much he still loves her and how, even if he marries someone else, she will only ever be the one for him. (It should be mentioned that he also has a GF). This admission of love matches with a lot of other things I've heard about him. In her reply, she just said she would cherish his e-mail always and would like to talk about it when he's less emotional. Now, she did divorce him, so it's not unreasonable for him to have feelings. I can't help but feeling though that it's not only unfair to him to lead him on in this way, but unfair to me. The only one who gets what they want out of this situation is her, who has a boyfriend who loves her and an ex and friend who still pines after her, which I imagine is a big ego boost.

 

Since I can't exactly admit to snooping and since telling her I don't want to see her ex anymore are not viable courses of action, what do folks recommend I do?

[Arieswoman]

rdunsany

 

My girlfriend of 3 years is friends with her ex-husband and it's causing some anxiety on my part.

 

Do they have children together?

[rdunsany]

They don't have kids, no. I actually do have kids with my ex-wife and we do still talk, but just about the kids. We never hang out if it's not child related (and we also divorced amicably)

[Space Ritual]

what do folks recommend I do?

 

Get a new girlfriend.

 

Anyone that would "assume" that you just leave when an ex comes around is someone you should assume that would be more than happy to "assume" that what you don;t know won't hurt you.

 

Don't feel bad about snooping, you had a gut feeling. You were not invading her privacy, you were invading her secrecy. And obviously for good reason,

 

Get rid of her.

[Gr8fuln2020]

rdunsany

 

Do they have children together?

 

Whether she does or not, she is entitled to have a friendly relationship with her ex. I wouldn't avoid one with my ex, but would not push for one and we didn't have children together.

 

Now, the part that would bother me is her asking you to leave prior to meeting him or having not made a more formal introduction. That sounds like hiding. She did begrudgingly, but only b/c of your insistence. I'm not certain why you thought you'd feel better, but it was the better thing to do.

 

Also, it sounds like HE is the one that continues to be hooked and not your gf, right? She's moved on, right?

[Poutrew]

This guy is always going to be in her (and your) life. Will something happen -who knows. I just know that for me it would be unacceptable. I'd leave her, because I'd never want to part of a 3-way love triangle. Not only that, but who knows what personal things she tells him about you and your relationship with her? That's all I can tell you based on the limited information you have told us...

[rdunsany]

Yes, she has moved on. She was the one who fell out of love with him and was the sole proponent of the divorce. She told me once that they stopped having sex months before it became official and I have no reason to believe she wants anything more than friendship out of it. The fact he still has such strong feelings and is obviously just hoping she finally returns these feelings and dumps me is pretty bothersome though.

[crossingbridges]

Sounds very unpleasant. If she wants to continue her friendship with this guy she will need to be very upfront with you and tell you about everything they do together in my opinion. That's the only way you can maintain a relationship without constant trust issues. For example this email you found from him, you should have been told about that. Because he feels this way, I think your girlfriend is manipulating him by staying in contact and staying friends with him. This would bug me the fkck out...

[Arieswoman]

rdunsany,

If she was the person who severed the relationship, then I am puzzled as to why she needs to keep in contact with him?

 

If she wants to nurture a meaningful relationship with you, she needs to make it crystal clear ( to him) that they are done and that she has moved on.

 

The fact that she seems to be throwing "crumbs" in the way of her ex is a concern.

 

And this ;

if I was looking change that and tell her who she would be friends with, it wouldn't go well for me.

 

tells me that this is one imperious lady who may not be good for you/want you want.

 

If I was in your position I would feel insecure.

 

And if I was in your position I would walk. This all seems too complicated for me.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Yeah, she needs to be totally transparent if she wants to continue with you. If not, you need to seriously reevaluate this.

 

It doesn't seem like a triangle romance, but you don't deserve this. Lay it on the line and let her know what you need for this to work.

[kendahke]

Since I can't exactly admit to snooping and since telling her I don't want to see her ex anymore are not viable courses of action, what do folks recommend I do?

 

Don't be a coward. You were grown enough to read the email--be grown enough to tell you you read it. Don't act like a naughty child trying to get out of a spanking for doing what you had no business doing if you can't own up to it.

 

Don't lie. Tell her you do have problems with her dealing with her ex. The truth is you don't have the relationship you think you have if you're overlooking the fact that she told you straight up at the beginning:

 

, she told me that she was still friends with her ex and that, if I was looking change that and tell her who she would be friends with, it wouldn't go well for me.

 

She's right--things aren't going to go well for you because you chose to lie to yourself in order to have her for your girlfriend. You told yourself you could handle this when the truth is: you can't.

 

She wants him in her life. If she didn't, he wouldn't be there 3 years after the fact. What he wrote is neither here nor there: the fact is she gives him an emotionally intimate audience when you're not around. She may not be having sex with him, but she is allowing him into a place in her intimacy where he no longer belongs.

 

You're not going to be able to tell her who she can have as her friend, and you knew that going in, so you're going to have to cut this one off and find someone else who doesn't require the attention of her ex.

[Space Ritual]

Yes, she has moved on.

 

Her cherishing his romantic email and expecting you to leave when he is about to come over would indicate to me that she has in fact not moved on.

 

Look, only you know how much you can handle with this little charade. But if after 3 years with you she is still playing games like this then I submit to you that your relationship has pretty much run it's course.

 

I am sorry to tell you that you are the last to figure this out.

[smackie9]

She told you upfront she was friends with her ex, he's a part of her life....this should have been your dealbreaker and avoid dating her all together. You don't "change" this because YOU don't like it. I don't think that fair at all. I understand that there should be some boundaries set like limiting their time they spend together or communicate, but to expect her to drop him completely is absurd. The only way a relationship survives is honesty, trust and compromise.

[whichwayisup]

How often do they talk or get together? Once a week? Once a month?

 

She probably still cares about him and on her part it's just friendship, that's it but it's obvious he still has strong feelings for her so now it's up to you to just trust that she isn't going to cheat on you. What you can do is tell her that you noticed while meeting him that you picked up the vibe he is still into her by the way he looked at her etc., and see how she reacts to that.

 

Don't let your past hurts and emotional baggage ruin things unless she really gives you reason to worry. Right now it really seems innocent. Make it clear to her that you want to be her number one and that you won't put up with cheating.

[ChatroomHero]

She has an ex that is still in love with her and she still hangs out with him. I understand getting along with an ex but hanging out with an ex still professing love for her would be a deal breaker for me.

 

 

As soon as she put me second by having me leave before he came over, I probably would have bolted. It sounds like if it came down to choosing him over you, that is what she would do.

 

 

Look at it the other way, if you had an ex gf coming over and told her to leave while you hang out with your ex, you think that would have worked? No how about when you told her you said if she has a problem with it, it won't go very well for her? She'd dump you.

 

 

Next time you are with her invite a female friend over and tell her, "Sara's coming over in a few so I guess I'll see you later? If that's a problem it probably won't work out very well for you" and see if she ever talks to you again.

[kendahke]

Next time you are with her invite a female friend over and tell her, "Sara's coming over in a few so I guess I'll see you later? If that's a problem it probably won't work out very well for you" and see if she ever talks to you again.

 

Don't play games like this.

 

In the first place, OP's girlfriend told him this up front before they got together and he agreed to it. OP doing this now is showing weakness through petty vindictiveness and that's not a good look.

[lurker74]

It should bother you. But you are not the first person to meet and fall in love with someone with a fatal flaw that you didn't think was fatal at the beginning. Still, as others have said, you can't expect her to change and in this particular case, I don't think it's fair to even ask.

 

And let's be honest, even if she doesn't love him, she does love the attention. She should be getting that kind of attention from one place only...you. If you continue in the relationship, you're essentially cuckholded.

 

So now is the time to exit with dignity. I don't agree that you should tell her you snooped. That doesn't do anyone any good and doing it to be a "man" just causes pain.

 

I would say to her, "OK, Sarah, I thought I could deal with you and Joe being friends but over the years, I've learned that I can't. I believe that he still loves you and I suspect that you have some feelings for him too and I want to be with someone where there is no such confusion."

[coolheadal]

I have a bit of a complex situation I'm hoping to get some advice on. My girlfriend of 3 years is friends with her ex-husband and it's causing some anxiety on my part.

 

When we first got together, she told me that she was still friends with her ex and that, if I was looking change that and tell her who she would be friends with, it wouldn't go well for me. We were in the early, halcyon days of our relationship and so I was okay with this, as one is okay with just about anything at that stage.

 

As time has gone on and our relationship has settled, I became less okay with it. Partially, I felt this was prompted by the fact I had never met the guy. She only hung out with him when I wasn't around. We don't live together, so normally that was a matter of just seeing him when I was unavailable. Then, we had an instance where I was there and it was assumed I would leave when he came by. I did so kind of without thinking about it and only later did the fact bother me.

 

I confronted my GF about this and asked to meet her ex. She reluctantly agreed and, though she didn't make any plans or actions to make it happen, a situation came up where he needed to swing by when I was there and, in this case, I stayed and met him. It was awkward, but nothing groundbreaking happened.

 

This settled me somewhere, but something about it still bothered me. Then one day, while doing an awful thing and snooping, I found an e-mail he sent her. In this e-mail, he told her how much he still loves her and how, even if he marries someone else, she will only ever be the one for him. (It should be mentioned that he also has a GF). This admission of love matches with a lot of other things I've heard about him. In her reply, she just said she would cherish his e-mail always and would like to talk about it when he's less emotional. Now, she did divorce him, so it's not unreasonable for him to have feelings. I can't help but feeling though that it's not only unfair to him to lead him on in this way, but unfair to me. The only one who gets what they want out of this situation is her, who has a boyfriend who loves her and an ex and friend who still pines after her, which I imagine is a big ego boost.

 

Since I can't exactly admit to snooping and since telling her I don't want to see her ex anymore are not viable courses of action, what do folks recommend I do?

 

You have no say in this matter what so ever! Because they were married once and still can be friends. Even if he has feelings for her still you can't change his feelings nor can you change hers. She and him are divorced friends but they were together once. She'll do whatever she pleases as you can see your ex wife only because of your kids. Do you see the picture why she can and you can. For you it's kids by prior marriage. With her it was the love of her life. Sure she might have a deep root connection with him. You have to live with this or just push on. Today life situations can be so complicated and so complex it can boggle the mindset. If she loves you then you stick with her but is she just likes you only and loves the ex then you need to pull in your gut and walk out of her tangle life she weaves.

[ChatroomHero]

Don't play games like this.

 

In the first place, OP's girlfriend told him this up front before they got together and he agreed to it. OP doing this now is showing weakness through petty vindictiveness and that's not a good look.

 

I was being facetious to make a point. It doesn't matter if he was told up front, she has a responsibility to OP to remove herself from spending time with an ex that is sending messages like he is.

 

 

I highly doubt she told him upfront that her ex is still in live with her and actively sending messages like that. Like I said, it is one thing to say you are still friends with an ex and another to still be friends with an ex that is in love with her and make OP second string to this guy after, I think he said 3 years.

 

 

When you start going out with someone that says they hang out with their ex, there is not much you can say. Once you are in a committed relationship, spending quality time with any former lovers that are still professing their love becomes very wrong.

[Cookiesandough]

This isn't normal at all imo

[kendahke]

When you start going out with someone that says they hang out with their ex, there is not much you can say.

 

Yes there is. You can say "this is something that I cannot tolerate in a committed relationship, so I'm not going to involve myself in this sort of arrangement".

 

None of what you says negates the fact that she told him before he ok'd it with himself to commit to her that her ex has a large tract of real estate in her intimacy and he's not going to be evicted.

[pam4him]

This is a sticky situation. Sometimes, divorced couples do remain friends. When my parents divorced, and then my dad dated some, he would often tell me mom was always his first love. They've been apart longer now than they were married and he has still said this. It broke his heart. Maybe GF broke ex's heart, and this helps her ease the pain/guilt. Since you met him and had no earthshaking occur, maybe just let it all go. Pining for someone you were married to is quite common. Try not to snoop anymore and perhaps soon the ex will find a new person to fill the void. Good luck.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I think you can be acquaintances ex- husband/ partner etc... but realistically I don't see how it is even HEALTHY to have a friendship with an ex. At some point, not only do you move on with other people but you move on with your whole LIFE and you do that in order to start a new life with yourself and with someone else. People can change eventually and even become better people ( which was the case with my ex- who treated me horribly- that was because he wasn't into me at all and I can see that now) but now he is a good guy I suppose. However, does that mean I want to do lunch? catch up? write emails? NO!

 

After all, you can forgive, but I cannot forget.

 

You don't need a reunion to see how much you've changed or how much you're doing better for that stuff, you just leave that to time and space. If you've had a history with someone, then you bless them with their future by wishing them nothing but the best- but by having them over and expecting you to leave when they do, is just plain disrespectful and weird.

 

I think you deserve better than this. You want to be with someone that has an ex that is nothing but a distant memory and is grateful that they've found you, not someone who is holding on to the past and is always trying to protect it. That's not letting go or moving on.

 

Best of Luck.

[Raena]

I've been thinking about this post almost all evening. I think what bothers me the most is that she purposely keeps her relationship with him separate from you. Anytime I've remained friendly with an ex, I made a point of making sure the current bf and the old bf spent time together so it was clear that there was no romantic relationship there. I felt like it was just the right thing to do so that it was made clear.

 

That fact alone makes me agree with you that there is more to this than you are being told. Why the separation of you two? After 3 years, hasn't she bonded with you enough to want to involve you in her life experiences? If you had just begun dating I'd be less concerned, but the length of your relationship with her indicates that there should be a deeper connection between you and her. I would think that she would not want to jeopardize her relationship with you and would have begun to pull away from the ex or push for you two to be friendly with each other. In my experience, this is what naturally happens with you are with that special someone that you see a future with. Reducing the impact of ex relationships would just happen naturally because you just want to be with your SO instead of an ex.

 

I do also think that your choices at this time are limited to either ending the relationship or accept the situation as is. You can't ask her to change, nor should you need to. You either walk because the relationship as is isn't working or you stay and be open minded about it.

[lionlover1973]

It is inappropriate for someone (your girlfriend) who is in a relationship, to maintain a friendship with someone (her ex) who has made their romantic intentions towards said person known.

 

It is a lack of respect from all angles.

It is inviting, disaster.

 

What you (the boyfriend of said woman) chooses to do with that, is up to you.

 

I would not blame you for putting both of them square in their place.