Online date a week out

[SevenCity]

I setup a date (on wed) with a girl on old that from her pics, messages, and profile makes me smitten. I typically don't get excited for first dates (quite the opposite actually) but can't help myself with this one - so far she's got all the qualities I want...online anyway.

 

She said to pick a day next week so I said Friday (assuming I was going to drive to her location which is a pita and I didn't want to be rushed if things went well worried about work the next day). She then suggested a place that was more convenient for me which was a huge green flag for once.

 

I get her number and text her mine - she responds with she's looking forward to meeting as well and have a good night. Not a big texter it seems.

 

After that, I realized the date is a week and change away and I'm nervous something can "come up" in between. I know how things can change in that time - especially with OLD.

 

Typically I have not had an issue with dates in the future but for this one I'm afraid to take the chance. I don't want to send mindless texts for no reason (and feel they would be unwanted) and I feel it's too late to make the date earlier.

 

Thoughts? I'm probably overthinking due to my interest.

 

This isn't about PUA, playing games, or similar. I just want to genuinely meet this girl and looking for constructive advice.

[smackie9]

why not send her a few texts and ask her if she would be available to chat via skype, phone, IM, etc.

[SevenCity]

She doesn't seem to be the type to want to chat which is fine as I would rather get to know her in person.

 

Last thing I want to come across as is a creepy stalker which I've heard many of the stories from my OLD dates that this is a big fear and happened to a lot of them. Another girl I have a date setup with didn't want to give me her number due to a previous "bad experience". Same with another I went out with a few weeks ago.

 

If she's super interested she would agree, if she's just open to meeting and has had bad experiences she could be thinking "wow this guy can't even wait a week to meet me - doesn't he have a life? Will he start checking up on me if we start dating?" It's risky with the limited intel I have.

[Tressugar]

Have you tried texting her and what was the outcome?

 

 

I'm not getting a real fuzzy feeling about this one.

[SevenCity]

Have you tried texting her and what was the outcome?

 

 

I'm not getting a real fuzzy feeling about this one.

 

Texted her my number after our first online messaging yesterday where she gave me her number after I asked. Said I was looking forward to meeting her and wanted to her to have my number in case something comes up or she wanted to say hi. She responded saying she's looking forward to meeting me as well, to say hi to my dog (by name), and have a good night.

[hippychick3]

I would touch base with her each day to keep some kind of connection between now and your date. Just sending a "how was your day?" or a funny joke/meme would help keep her interest until the date.

[SevenCity]

I would touch base with her each day to keep some kind of connection between now and your date. Just sending a "how was your day?" or a funny joke/meme would help keep her interest until the date.

 

Omg I can't do this. I won't do this.

 

You have to understand we have never met and only have our profiles and about 6 messages back and forth on the dating app as history.

 

I have no right, nor desire, to text her everyday. I am an internet stranger to her - would you really want a stranger from the internet to text you everyday?

 

Keep in mind we are in our 40s. Not sure if this is geared towards a younger audience?

[jgraham11]

If my first date with someone is a week away I usually send a text midway to see if things are still cool. Then on the day of

 

I wouldn't make small talk though, you'll have plenty of time to do that. Plus yo want to have plenty to talk about on your first meetup

[Miss Peach]

I have a busy life. I'm willing to make room for a great guy but not for a stranger I've never met from OLD. So it's not uncommon for me to schedule dates a week out. I don't see anything bad per se about that.

 

I would just send her a check in a few days or day before the date to follow up. Be confident in it too as if you know she's going to follow through with it. If she's truly not a big communicator, she'll welcome confirmation you're still in it too.

[GoldSparkz]

I would say just chill out and try not to overthink the situation. As she was the last person to text, I would wait a day and then send her an open ended message to touch base...perhaps clarify something about the date. Keep the momentum going without coming across desperate. If her level of communication drops off between now and the date, then she probably isn't for you.

 

The impression people give online is often so far from the real person, so I would hold off getting too excited until you've had a chance to meet in person.

[SevenCity]

SevenCity, your mind is riddled with doubt and fear. You're projecting a lot of things onto her that may have no basis in reality. Women like confidence and you are displaying that yours is not very high going into this situation.

 

You state:" I don't want to send mindless texts for no reason (and feel they would be unwanted) and I feel it's too late to make the date earlier."

 

Why would you feel they would be unwanted? This person has agreed to go on a date with you so there's obviously some interest there. You need to fan that flame my friend. You read way too much into things. Lots of overthinking going on. Stop doing that. It is absolutely important that you text her leading up to the date. Build the anticipation, the excitement. This is good for both of you. If you don't speak much until the date you're going to be even MORE nervous because you haven't broken the ice much. Break that ice now...during the lead up so that when you meet her in person you will have a level of comfortability that's already been established.

 

You state: "I have no right, nor desire, to text her everyday. I am an internet stranger to her - would you really want a stranger from the internet to text you everyday?"

 

Yes, I would. That's how someone goes from being a stranger to someone you feel comfortable engaging with, by getting to know them through whatever form of communication is available. In this case, your phone. This is what phones are for. This is why text messaging is so popular, because it's a convenient way to communicate with someone. You need to build some rapport. You're making excuses because you're scared. This person is taking up a lot of real estate in your head and your internal dialogue/mind chatter is FREAKING OUT. Relax. It's almost like you're expecting this to fall through. It's important that you don't let your fears ruin this opportunity.

I highly encourage you to text her, try to use humor (but for God sakes don't overthink it).

What makes you say "she doesn't seem to be the type to want to chat?" You're very self conscious. The only way you're going to come across as a creepy stalker is if you ACT LIKE A CREEPY STALKER. She GAVE you her phone #. How on earth are you making the jump from her giving you her number to "if I text her she might think I'm a creepy stalker?" I would say the opposite is true. If she gave you her number and then you don't engage her she may think well ok, that's weird. I'm supposed to go out with this guy and he hasn't even said hello.

It's time to stop focusing on what she "may be thinking." You're not a mind reader, but if you were you'd be terrible at it (that's a joke). Your own fears are inhibiting you.

What are you going to do on your date? May I suggest getting tickets to a comedy show in your area? It doesn't have to be the top comedian in the world, there are lots of places that have amateur night, or have newer comedians looking to make a name for themselves performing. Go grab a drink, and watch some comedy. This will take the edge off, and take the pressure off of you. You will create an atmosphere where you're both having fun (and you're building a positive neuro association with one another).

Go out and buy yourself a new shirt for the date. Something you feel good in. Dress in a way that you feel most confident. You have to set the stage for you being the best you can be. Get your car washed, shine your watch up, do whatever you can to raise your confidence and with each thing you do you are notching yourself up a level. And every level you take your confidence up, the last mind chatter/fear you will hear from your internal dialogue.

 

In the meantime though, text her, make some jokes, lighten the mood, stimulate her mind and quit focusing on all the things you "shouldn't do" because you obviously have no grasp of what you should and shouldn't do, yet you focus on the negative. Start engaging her and let us know how it goes. DO IT.

 

The only reason I'm anxious is I'm very interested. I'm not afraid of the date or breaking the ice, I'm afraid it won't happen.

 

If everything goes according to plan I'll do fine as I always do. The trick is with this one is I have a vested interest before we've met and I usually don't.

 

I'm not a bumbling idiot and don't need a new shirt, I'll be fine.

 

But, I don't agree that I should be trying to get to know her via text.

 

Another girl I'm chatting with texted me for an hour the other day. She apparently likes to text. I've dated both kinds and this one doesn't seem to want it like the others. It's not my insecurities it's reading her actions.

 

Again, I can only go by what I've learned thus far about her. I can't make the assumption she wants to start texting back and forth. She responded to my text and that was it. If they want to continue they will usually let you know.

[Cookiesandough]

I agree with those who are saying overthinking often leads to failure in dating! If she's not a big texter, touch base with her midweekish and ask her how her weeks been. Then on the day of text her again to confirm plans and tell her you look forward to them.

 

A zillion things could make her cancel between now and then, out of your control. She could be nothing in person as she is online. Good idea to keep expectations and expected outcomes in check so things go more smoothly. Best o luck

[CaliforniaGirl]

[]I'm not sure why you keep erring on the side of being "less needy". You seem to be a bit hung-up about that...? Personally, as the woman I'd appreciate a text or two during the week just so I knew the guy was interested.

 

Now, again. I THINK I have the right person...weren't you just stood up? If so, that's probably what's prompting your nervousness that something might come up. Look, you can't make someone like you. A person likes you, or doesn't. So far, everything seems fine. She doesn't text a lot but from what you say, she sounds like she's looking forward to the date. There is NO way to guarantee a person will come through on an agreement to meet; there is no way to guarantee something won't "come up." OTOH, you can't worry from now until forever based on one woman flaking.

 

Try to relax for now, send a text or two during the week...not a creepy one...just maybe firming things up in some way (i.e. "Hey, so Place X has Y Night...but place Z is quieter. Got a preference?" Anything applicable but which also keeps you in mind, and active. I can't see how that could possibly come off as needy and if it does, she's not the one for you because you want to be with someone, and she doesn't even want to talk to the person she's supposedly with.

Edited March 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[CaliforniaGirl]

Omg I can't do this. I won't do this.

 

You have to understand we have never met and only have our profiles and about 6 messages back and forth on the dating app as history.

 

I have no right, nor desire, to text her everyday. I am an internet stranger to her - would you really want a stranger from the internet to text you everyday?

 

Keep in mind we are in our 40s. Not sure if this is geared towards a younger audience?

 

 

 

Okay...if she's in her 40s, she may just not be that into texting. Granted I know a lot of 40somethings who are positively glued to their phones, so this is by no means universal, but I feel like I've seen, quite a few times, comments to the effect of "I don't get why people text instead of phone" sort of comments from this age group (I'm in it so I'm talking not only online but my friends, etc.). So maybe she's just not a text-like-a-16-year-old woman. And that's okay.

 

I still don't think that means she doesn't want to know that you at least thought about her once or twice during the week. What about once, in sort of the manner I suggested, then the second time, the morning before the date to confirm?

Edited March 23, 2017 by CaliforniaGirl

[Cookiesandough]

I kind of understand not wanting to talk a great deal with someone before I meet them. I actually would like bare minimum communication before we meet. I've heard of situations where people talked a great deal before the date and then there was nothing there at all in person. Their "real life" personality is completely different or "no chemistry".

[Popsicle]

This is why I prefer to start with a phone call before arranging a date. You get a better feel of someone by hearing their voice first.

[Popsicle]

I would touch base with her each day to keep some kind of connection between now and your date. Just sending a "how was your day?" or a funny joke/meme would help keep her interest until the date.

 

I prefer communication in the meantime too.

[dumbass2]

The only reason I'm anxious is I'm very interested. I'm not afraid of the date or breaking the ice, I'm afraid it won't happen.

 

If everything goes according to plan I'll do fine as I always do. The trick is with this one is I have a vested interest before we've met and I usually don't.

 

I'm not a bumbling idiot and don't need a new shirt, I'll be fine.

 

But, I don't agree that I should be trying to get to know her via text.

 

Another girl I'm chatting with texted me for an hour the other day. She apparently likes to text. I've dated both kinds and this one doesn't seem to want it like the others. It's not my insecurities it's reading her actions.

 

Again, I can only go by what I've learned thus far about her. I can't make the assumption she wants to start texting back and forth. She responded to my text and that was it. If they want to continue they will usually let you know.

 

So have you asked this other girl out yet? Maybe she is available this Friday or Sat and I think it could really help so you're not so caught up with worrying about the other woman.

[act00]

One thing about making plans so far out, is if there is no communication in between, for people who haven't met and have barely met, these plans can dissipate fast. I suggest you maintain communication and just talk a little and get to know each other. Ask to call. Text.

 

I have had this experience when plans get made a few days out, like it's a Sunday and a Friday gets planned, and there is no talk in between. Now, I have planned around this, only to end up not having plans, as this other person made other plans and apparently didn't take our planned date seriously. I have made contact mid-week when I haven't heard from them. Still no word, and I keep Friday open "just in case." I no longer do this. If I make a plan a week out (or more), and I don't hear from them at all, I no longer plan on that date happening. I haven't had many come back and ask what happened, but a couple have, and I said, "I hadn't heard from you all week, and you didn't respond to my text, so I didn't think it was happening. Sorry."

 

One would think that if a date was planned, there would be discussion about place and time. In OLD, ghosting and flaking are so frequent, if you truly want to make sure this date happens, keep communicating with her. Ask if there's a good time to call. Text.

[rushed]

You state: "I have no right, nor desire, to text her everyday. I am an internet stranger to her - would you really want a stranger from the internet to text you everyday?"

 

Yes, I would.

 

Haha, yep, me, too! Well, maybe not every day, though. But of course it's an individual thing. I liked texting and getting to know my future date before the day of the actual date. That's actually one of the fun parts. You get a sense of their personality and a general picture of what their life is like. And it's a nice feeling when they text you first, let's me know I'm on their mind and that they haven't lost interest. It also keeps me interested and looking forward to the date.

[normal person]

I'm sorry, but I take issue with a lot of this advice.

 

SevenCity' date=' your mind is riddled with doubt and fear. You're projecting a lot of things onto her that may have no basis in reality. Women like confidence and you are displaying that yours is not very high going into this situation.[/quote']

 

He's not showing it to her, though (yet).

 

 

You state:" I don't want to send mindless texts for no reason (and feel they would be unwanted) and I feel it's too late to make the date earlier." Why would you feel they would be unwanted? This person has agreed to go on a date with you so there's obviously some interest there. You need to fan that flame my friend.

 

All he knows is that there's interest in going on a date. He's yet to know that there's interest in texting a lot for over a week beforehand. Personally, I can't stand it when someone wants to text me a lot before we meet because anyone who's done enough online dating realizes that it's totally pointless -- you never know if you like someone until you meet them in the flesh, regardless of how much you text them ahead of time. They can be the best, most interesting person in the world through text, and if they're a dud a real life, all you did was waste your time texting them. I see benefit in texting a small amount just to gain a base level of familiarity. Anything more than can be too much for some people, myself included.

 

You read way too much into things. Lots of overthinking going on. Stop doing that. It is absolutely important that you text her leading up to the date.

 

No, it's not absolutely necessary. You're saying that like it's a proven fact. Recently I had plans to meet with a girl who lived a little further away than people I normally date, and on top of other complications, she had to cancel a few times, and it was generally just difficult to arrange a time to meet up -- which is circumstantial. However, in the meantime, she insisted on texting me every day about what I was eating for dinner, how I was enjoying the weather, etc -- generally mindless smalltalk that was more of a chore to answer than any semblance of bonding. When she cancelled on me the last time, I decided not to reschedule because I honestly couldn't be bothered to keep answering her banal texts in the meantime.

 

Just this week I went out with another girl who insisted on texting me a lot. With this girl I had more engaging, personal conversations with. It's not exactly my favorite thing to do before I meet someone, but I could tell she was very keen to, so I went along with it and texted for a few hours the night before. We met up, had one drink, realized neither one of us had absolutely no desire to be there any longer, and left. The texting was not practical. It was not indicative of any future compatibility. It was just wasted time that lead to more wasted time. One of those instances of wasted time could've been avoided.

 

Build the anticipation, the excitement. This is good for both of you.

 

Not if she hates texting, or is busy, or sees it as needy, or assumes he has nothing better to do. Then it's very bad.

 

If you don't speak much until the date you're going to be even MORE nervous because you haven't broken the ice much. Break that ice now...during the lead up so that when you meet her in person you will have a level of comfortability that's already been established.

 

I don't think so. They could text their whole life stories, and having that level of familiarity with someone despite never having met them could add even more pressure to the situation. My suggestion to OP would be to calm his nerves by just rationalizing it as meeting any other stranger, because as I said before, you won't know if you actually like the person until you meet them. I've met many, many women online. They are rarely, if ever, as you expect them to be. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. But hardly ever as you expect.

 

You state: "I have no right, nor desire, to text her everyday. I am an internet stranger to her - would you really want a stranger from the internet to text you everyday?"

 

Yes, I would.

 

Well, I wouldn't, and I have friends who wouldn't either. If you were giving advice to someone texting one of us, you would be making them less appealing. Thankfully, you don't speak for everyone.

 

That's how someone goes from being a stranger to someone you feel comfortable engaging with, by getting to know them through whatever form of communication is available.

 

That might be how you do it, but just because texting is an available method of communication doesn't mean it's a viable one that must be utilized. I could just as easily say that talking to the person face to face is how someone goes from being a stranger to someone you feel more comfortable with. In fact, that's a better method in my book because in my experience, no matter how much you talk to someone beforehand, they still feel like a stranger until you meet them and interact with them in person (to me, at least). Writing words on a screen can only convey so much about a person's mannerisms, nuances, and essence. Face to face, in person communication is exponentially more affective for building comfort than texting.

 

In this case, your phone. This is what phones are for. This is why text messaging is so popular, because it's a convenient way to communicate with someone. You need to build some rapport.

 

Just because you have the technology doesn't mean you have to use it in such a way. People have varying relationships with their phones, technology, communications, other people, their time, etc. Not everyone thinks the same way as you. I don't view texting as convenient when the subject matter is trivial and the pressure to reply is an unwanted obligation. It makes me dislike the person and wonder why they're so interested in something as trivial what I'm eating for dinner when I've never met them before.

 

You're making excuses because you're scared. This person is taking up a lot of real estate in your head and your internal dialogue/mind chatter is FREAKING OUT. Relax. It's almost like you're expecting this to fall through. It's important that you don't let your fears ruin this opportunity.

 

Texting her too much, too often, or in some other off-putting way could just as easily ruin it for him. I was talking with a female friend last night and she was turned off by a guy who was texting her too many emojis. So don't assume you speak for everyone. You don't.

 

I highly encourage you to text her, try to use humor (but for God sakes don't overthink it).

 

Humor is great, but you assume overthinking is the problem. She won't know if he overthinks or not because she has no way of knowing. She will know, however, if he over-texts her. And right now his train of thought is one leading him to under-texting her. She'd assume he's overthinking if he texts too much. If he texted her minimally, that would not make her think he was overthinking.

I doubt she's going to say: "This guy isn't texting me at all -- he's really overthinking this." Maybe he just isn't thinking about it because he's a grown man with more important things to do and he realizes that talking in person is much more of an affective method of communication and better use of his time.

 

I've set up plenty of dates where I've said at the beginning of the week:

 

Me: "So when are you around?"

Her: "This weekend works"

Me: "Cool, I'll text you Thursday and we can figure something out."

Her: "Sounds good, talk to you then!"

 

 

What makes you say "she doesn't seem to be the type to want to chat?"

 

Maybe he saw that she wasn't texting him a lot, read between the lines, and deduced that she didn't want to text a lot. What makes you think she is?

 

If she gave you her number and then you don't engage her she may think well ok, that's weird. I'm supposed to go out with this guy and he hasn't even said hello.

 

Sorry, did he not text her at all, or did he just not text her a bunch of stuff that's ultimately meaningless until they actually realize that they enjoy each others company and want to see other again?

 

It's time to stop focusing on what she "may be thinking." You're not a mind reader,

 

Neither are you, so stop assuming you know how she feels about him texting her too much.

 

but if you were you'd be terrible at it (that's a joke).

 

Good thing he's reading context clues from information he has and trying to apply it pragmatically, and not minds.

 

Your own fears are inhibiting you.

 

You're assuming that texting her a lot is the "right" thing to do when in reality it's merely just what you would do. Maybe he's not doing it not entirely because he's afraid, but because it's not necessarily a good idea.

 

What are you going to do on your date? May I suggest getting tickets to a comedy show in your area? It doesn't have to be the top comedian in the world, there are lots of places that have amateur night, or have newer comedians looking to make a name for themselves performing. Go grab a drink, and watch some comedy. This will take the edge off, and take the pressure off of you. You will create an atmosphere where you're both having fun (and you're building a positive neuro association with one another).

 

Yeah, because nothing is more condusive to getting to know a person than sitting in silence, not interacting with each other at all, and watching someone else talk for an hour. Brilliant. Great way to "get to know someone." What a great use of your time together.

 

 

you obviously have no grasp of what you should and shouldn't do

 

This made me laugh.

 

 

I'm with you OP, if she doesn't seem like she wants you to text her, I would trust your instinct. If she wants to text you a lot, she can. But she's not going to cancel the date on you because you didn't. Texting her a lot can be seen as needy. Not texting her a lot can convey security. Deduce what you can from the style, tone, and frequency of her texts and just try and stay on whatever page that is. Maybe it's a lot of texting. Maybe it's little. Every situation is different and should be handled on a case-by-case basis. I'd be very wary of anyone telling you that there's one simply right way to do it on the assumption that everyone wants to text the exact same way.

[coolheadal]

Well why not call and talk to her instead of text. I don't care for text part so impersonal. I do this a different way then most here. Such a long waiting period between dates. You need to relax, you'll work yourself up into a cold sweat and thus fall apart on the date you have been waiting for all week. Always remember we're all here for you everyone last one of us including myself. We are with you in spirit as they say.. Your never alone. Remember this and you'll be okay..

[TheTraveler]

All I can tell you is don't pick a day 9 days out next time. Plus you have work the next day so you're on a date Friday night with time constraint.

 

GL to you OP

[Cookiesandough]

Normal person, that's one hell of a post, but I largely agree. When interacting with people, you kind have to get a feel for them and what they want as an individual. No one here knows this girl better than sevencity. He's the only one who has interacted with her so he can infer things we can't.

 

I absolutely cannot stand it when a guy texts me every day before a date to make small talk and actually has turned me off of some a little bit even when I'm feeling them because it's an annoyance. they say "hey, how are you?" every day, sometimes multiple times. I'm kind of short with them so they get the hint..I usually I say "fine, thanks. You?:)" they answer and I say great.

 

Some of them wanna talk A LOT before meetings, send lots of videos, pics, updates on their life, and I'm sure that's cool for some people, but I prefer we wait til we're a bit closer or at least meet face to face(even then I still hate texting)

 

So really you need to look at how she responds and read between the lines and take social cues..

 

 

I also agree with traveler waiting 9 days was the first big mistake.

[bluefeather]

Thank you, normal person, for that very well written post.

 

SevenCity, I think it's wise that even though you are afraid of losing out on this date, you have some kind of intuitive feeling, warning you to be careful not to over-text this woman. I strongly advise you not to change the plans at all, even though it seems very far away. I think any change you try to make would act like uncertainty, which would look very bad.

 

If you must send something, maybe send one text in the middle of the week, like "Hope your week's been going well. Looking forward to seeing you :)" But that's about all I would suggest sending, and that's still on an "if at all" basis.

 

If this person isn't into texting, and she is in her 40s, maybe she is actually a mature woman with integrity who follows through with what she says! You know what, after writing that down, scratch sending her anything. If she cancels on you, I don't think she is the awesome woman that you are imagining she is.

 

However, if you don't text her at all and she shows up at the date, wow, you will know how much of a woman she is!

 

Something to think about Good luck to you.