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Don't wanna live in the deep south with bf


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So my boyfriend got this awesome opportunity in Virginia which I encouraged him to pursue, the catch is that after his training god knows where in the US he'll be contracted. I'm still working on my final semester of college in Florida so I won't be getting a job until after this summer.

 

Recently, I started researching jobs for myself and I was surprised to find that a lot jobs in my field are in Texas, I asked him if he would ever want to live there, he said he wouldn't mind and that he doesn't care where he lives anymore. I asked him if that included his home town in Alabama, a thought I honestly despise. He said that he didn't know and that it depended on if he got a good paying job there. I told him that I wasn't sure I was comfortable with living there to put it nicely and he said verbatim If I'm making 100K in Alabama that has a 20K cost of living you are moving with me to Alabama for a couple years" (That part made me laugh)

 

I commenced to tell him the laundry list of reasons why I don't want to live in the deep south (I'm giving you more detail than I gave him btw, the bolded words are what I told him):

 

1. I'm a person of color, which he argued that the racism there is mostly targeted at black people, but he fails to take into account that I am a darker skinned latina and although I look kinda south american, people also mistake me for a black person. On top of that, our president has made latinos seem like criminals... So if you could imagine how my tiny, colored, spanish-speaking, liberal and secular self would feel amongst a group of white conservative Christians.

 

2. I already knew that there's a shortage of jobs that are in field in Alabama but just to make sure I looked up jobs in Alabama and only 20 or so were in my field or related to it. Of those 20-something, only 3 were in specialization and they mentioned nothing about benefits, one only offered $13 dollars an hour which in my industry that's a damn insult, another said you had to be comfortable with being exposed to second-hand smoke, and one even mention pay other than "you'll be compensated based on experience" and I thought... WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THAT???

 

3. This one I didn't mention to him but it's definitely in the back of my head, His parents who constantly try to go out of their way to try to move where ever he goes live in Alabama, so I'm afraid that if I go up there with him, we'll be living with them >.> ... and that's just not going to happen, I can't live with them, they're nice to me but I want to move out of my own parents home and own my own house or apartment.

 

So this is all hypothetical of course because we don't know where he'll end up after his 3 months of training and that's why I can talk about it so frivolously. However, I can say that I'm afraid of the possibility of having to tell him that although I love him and want to live with him, I don't want to go to a place that has nothing for me which is most places in the deep south.

 

How do I go about preparing for that possibility in the next 3 months???

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You worry too much, but true you do not want to live near his folks. You and him need to live on your own. The other comments you have to know your stuff and make the money you deem that you can live out. Don't go to a state that you feel isn't a good match. Florida is nice I live here a long time now. I am okay at times, but getting busy and very crowded here. Jobs are here you just need to look on the jobs sites. You can get what your worth, just have to look for it. Housing look for apt, condo or townhouse. Owning a full house isn't cheap and the expense of up keep is high. I own my own house and I don't have to worry about nothing. You and him are starting out into the world don't worry about the Pres and other people it's you and him in this world. Make it count but make it a better place to live and raise kids together when that time is right for you both...

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Gr8fuln2020
So my boyfriend got this awesome opportunity in Virginia which I encouraged him to pursue, the catch is that after his training god knows where in the US he'll be contracted. I'm still working on my final semester of college in Florida so I won't be getting a job until after this summer.

 

Recently, I started researching jobs for myself and I was surprised to find that a lot jobs in my field are in Texas, I asked him if he would ever want to live there, he said he wouldn't mind and that he doesn't care where he lives anymore. I asked him if that included his home town in Alabama, a thought I honestly despise. He said that he didn't know and that it depended on if he got a good paying job there. I told him that I wasn't sure I was comfortable with living there to put it nicely and he said verbatim "Nigga if I'm making 100K in Alabama that has a 20K cost of living yo' ass is moving with me to Alabama for a couple years" (That part made me laugh)

 

Is your bf a bigot? How long have you known him? Why he had to say what he said in that manner is not funny, frankly. And to address YOU, however he may have thought it was in jest, is indicative of his underlying feelings about other human beings. Absolutely unnecessary.

 

What field are you in? There are many parts of Texas that won't be much different than Alabama, but plenty of diversity and more moderate to liberal atmosphere in larger metropolitan areas. Lived there for 10+ years (Dallas area).

I commenced to tell him the laundry list of reasons why I don't want to live in the deep south (I'm giving you more detail than I gave him btw, the bolded words are what I told him):

 

1. I'm a person of color, which he argued that the racism there is mostly targeted at black people, but he fails to take into account that I am a darker skinned latina and although I look kinda south american, people also mistake me for a black person. On top of that, our lovely tangerine-colored president has made latinos seem like criminals... So if you could imagine how my tiny, colored, spanish-speaking, liberal and secular self would feel amongst a group of white conservative Christians.

 

So, he has no problems with the racism being targeted at blacks?! Yeah, your experience may not be that much different if his parents are bigots. Or, at least, not from the locals if the prevailing attitude involves hate. By the way, you should know that white southern, conservative christianity has it's roots from pro-slavery sentiments. Hardly christian. Just tell him that a small town in Alabama is not an option. What does your bf do that would even pose the possibility that he may find himself in Alabama near parents?

 

2. I already knew that there's a shortage of jobs that are in field in Alabama but just to make sure I looked up jobs in Alabama and only 20 or so were in my field or related to it. Of those 20-something, only 3 were in specialization and they mentioned nothing about benefits, one only offered $13 dollars an hour which in my industry that's a damn insult, another said you had to be comfortable with being exposed to second-hand smoke, and one even mention pay other than "you'll be compensated based on experience" and I thought... WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THAT???

 

There's a reason why Alabama consistently ranks in the bottom 5 in a lot of important categories. Jobs may be one of them and salaries. Cost of living is lower, but that is little consolation if you're comparing the salaries to other states that offer much more AND cost of living is comparable.The quality of public education is utterly POOR.

 

3. This one I didn't mention to him but it's definitely in the back of my head, His parents who constantly try to go out of their way to try to move where ever he goes live in Alabama, so I'm afraid that if I go up there with him, we'll be living with them >.> ... and that's just not going to happen, I can't live with them, they're nice to me but I want to move out of my own parents home and own my own house or apartment.

 

So this is all hypothetical of course because we don't know where he'll end up after his 3 months of training and that's why I can talk about it so frivolously. However, I can say that I'm afraid of the possibility of having to tell him that although I love him and want to live with him, I don't want to go to a place that has nothing for me which is most places in the deep south.

 

How do I go about preparing for that possibility in the next 3 months???

 

You don't prepare for that possibility. You tell him that you will not move to the deep south. He should understand or not. His answer that most of the racism is targeted at black people tells you a lot really. He didn't say anything to alleviate your concerns. He used language that further indicates his sentiments and up-bringing of people of color. I wonder if his feeling of hispanic people are not similarly unsympathetic. Yeah, he's dating you, but how does he feel really.

 

I don't know GH3, I think it's simple. You don't move to somewhere you'll find to be uncomfortable, limiting and non-supportive of your personal, professional goals.

Edited by simpleNfit
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Honestly, this sounds like a whole lot of conjecture to me. He didn't even bring up living in Alabama, you did. For all you know he could be contracted in any other state...

 

Why not just cross the bridge when you come to it? I understand the anxiety that the unknown brings (and I also have firsthand experience with being discriminated against due to the colour of my skin), but trust me, you do yourself no favours by amplifying it with a what-if that has a maybe 2% chance of coming to pass. When my SO and I were younger with more unknowns, especially when we were long distance and trying to close it, we drove ourselves crazy with the what ifs. What if he gets a place in X but I get a scholarship in Y? What if he needs to move to A while I'm halfway through a course at B?

 

But you know what... none of them even came to pass. Things worked out in a far different manner than we had ever thought, and we could never have known that based on the limited information we had at the time we were what-if-ing.

 

I strongly suggest you accept the unknown and don't waste your time and sanity on it until you have more information.

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Let's clear up some misconceptions...

 

First, not that there is not some form of racism everywhere in the world, but the deep south has really come a long way in every way.

 

Second, being Latina is also not an issue form most people.

 

Third, Texas is a great place to work. Plentiful jobs, low cost of living, no state income tax, plentiful housing market.

 

Forth, Our president and the vast majority of people in the border states, except CA, are against "Illegal Immigration" for the obvious reasons. It has nothing to do with being racist against Mexicans and other people from South America. It has to do with the strain that it puts on our public sector.

 

In fact, in Texas polls show that the majority of US Citizens of Hispanic decent are also against "Illegal Immigration". There is not much of a chance of Hispanics being racist against other Hispanics.

 

I believe that you will be fine down here. So come on down...

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Texas is one of the best places to work in the US. If you work in Houston, Dallas or Austin, you will have a lot of diversity. I once considered a job in Birmingham, AL, and the population was also fairly diverse. Unless he wants to move to a backwater town, I think your bf is right considering the cost of living.

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Gr8fuln2020
Let's clear up some misconceptions...

 

First, not that there is not some form of racism everywhere in the world, but the deep south has really come a long way in every way.

 

Second, being Latina is also not an issue form most people.

 

Third, Texas is a great place to work. Plentiful jobs, low cost of living, no state income tax, plentiful housing market.

 

Forth, Our president and the vast majority of people in the border states, except CA, are against "Illegal Immigration" for the obvious reasons. It has nothing to do with being racist against Mexicans and other people from South America. It has to do with the strain that it puts on our public sector.

 

In fact, in Texas polls show that the majority of US Citizens of Hispanic decent are also against "Illegal Immigration". There is not much of a chance of Hispanics being racist against other Hispanics.

 

I believe that you will be fine down here. So come on down...

 

I don't believe anyone questioned Texas on this thread, right? Rural, small town Alabama is the issue here.

 

Also, I agree that you should probably wait until the specter of moving to rural or small town Alabama actually becomes 'something' to discuss. You are only dating, so a long way before such commitments are to be considered.

Edited by simpleNfit
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Gr8fuln2020
Texas is one of the best places to work in the US. If you work in Houston, Dallas or Austin, you will have a lot of diversity. I once considered a job in Birmingham, AL, and the population was also fairly diverse. Unless he wants to move to a backwater town, I think your bf is right considering the cost of living.

 

That IS her concern, moving to a small, more provincial town where the politics and culture is contrary to her own. Large cities anywhere is preferable I would imagine.

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You called him boyfriend, not husband or even fiancé. I don't know why you think you need to go with him or why he thinks you should go with him. You're not married.

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I don't believe anyone questioned Texas on this thread, right? Rural, small town Alabama is the issue here.

 

He mentioned a 100k job, so I assumed it was in a larger city.

 

Also, I agree that you should probably wait until the specter of moving to rural or small town Alabama actually becomes 'something' to discuss. You are only dating, so a long way before such commitments are to be considered.

 

Agreed. Plus, who knows where he will actually find a job?

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First, not that there is not some form of racism everywhere in the world, but the deep south has really come a long way in every way.

 

First the stereotype of the south being “more racist” is flat out BS.

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Gr8fuln2020
First the stereotype of the south being “more racist” is flat out BS.

 

Now days, I agree. They just tend to be more blatant/open about it. The larger metropolitan areas are much more tolerant, of course.

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First the stereotype of the south being “more racist” is flat out BS.

 

I have traveled extensively through the deep south and all I found was good, honest people. They aren't hypocritical, if they have a problem with your race they don't BS about it they leave you alone. I have experienced far more racism in states like CA and NJ.

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Although I may not have any advice on living in Alabama, I am someone who was born, raised, and live in the Deep South. I came from a rural town and finding good paying jobs was a rarity. Your boyfriend will likely have difficulty finding work unless he's in the industrial field.

 

Now, there are some great places around here to live and work. Some of our metro areas are bustling with all types of diversity and jobs. Atlanta, for example, is always snagging young graduates from all over. They even seek them out.

 

Talk to your boyfriend about finding a compromise. If he doesn't listen, then walk away.

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Folks, as this thread was heading in a bad direction, I'm going to go ahead and call this one done. Thank you for all the remaining replies ~T

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