I'm getting skeptical

[jgraham11]

Little background on this girl I'm seeing first, then to my problem with her

Been seeing her for a month, she's incredibly shy, doesn't initiate convo over text it's always me ( I think that just stems for her shyness). We're both only dating each other she even deleted her Match profile before me. I think it should also be worth noting she's from Mainland China. I have Chinese friends who tell me they don't get into relationships unless they have serious intentions. This is my first time dating someone other than an American, but I've heard Chinese girls feel like they're in a relationship as soon as they start dating haha, but some of the stuff she's done has contradicted that. Soo with that being said..

 

 

The problem is she's come up with a few excuses the past few dates on not meeting up. The first excuse was when I exchanged a few texts with her and she said how she forgot to mention she was going away for spring break on the last date. She also told me that she'd see me when she got back. I thought "Okay, cool, no big deal". Then I texted her the following week to ask if she'd be back home in time to meet up the next weekend, she basically just said she wouldn't be home in time to meet up, again I didn't think too much of it

 

Now recently I asked her if she wanted to meet up this coming weekend and she's basically making me wait to see if she has too much "school work". It's kind of a tricky scenario cause she very well could be telling the truth about her spring break excuse (no way for me to know for sure), but her basically not committing to this coming weekend because of "school work" seems a little ridiculous to me. That would also mean 3 straight weekends of not seeing a girl that i've only been seeing for 4 weeks, so I'm pretty lost right now. Outside of just straight up asking what are my options? I look at her deleting her Match profile, hooking up with her, her telling me she'd "see me when she got back" as all good things. But 3 weeks for a girl i've been dating for 4 is a big separation in between dates too

 

 

Advice on what to do? Is she politely telling me to get lost?

Edited March 22, 2017 by jgraham11

[preraph]

I don't want to generalize, but I am guessing she is probably under her parents' control still and adhering to their strict schedule.

[jgraham11]

I don't want to generalize, but I am guessing she is probably under her parents' control still and adhering to their strict schedule.

 

Schedule as in? Getting married you mean? And yeah believe me I'm not trying to generalize this too much either. I don't want people coming after me here saying "All Chinese girls aren't like that!" I know haha

 

Or, not sure if you meant like literally a schedule (or to be home at a certain time) she lives on her own. Her parents are back in China

Edited March 22, 2017 by jgraham11

[TunaInTheBrine]

My experience with women, including the many Chinese women I've been with, suggests that if a woman wants to see you then she will make time. The occasional rescheduling is one thing, but three weeks is another. I wouldn't try to read too much into her Match profile account, but maybe she has been dating other guys. I've dated mainland-born Chinese women who multi-date, though it does seem to not be the norm, as you said. My advice to you is to go no contact for a week and see if she initiates contact with you. If she doesn't, I would send one follow-up text or phone call and offer to get together. If she gives you anything but a definite yes, then you know it's time to let her go.

[jgraham11]

My experience with women, including the many Chinese women I've been with, suggests that if a woman wants to see you then she will make time. The occasional rescheduling is one thing, but three weeks is another. I wouldn't try to read too much into her Match profile account, but maybe she has been dating other guys. I've dated mainland-born Chinese women who multi-date, though it does seem to not be the norm, as you said. My advice to you is to go no contact for a week and see if she initiates contact with you. If she doesn't, I would send one follow-up text or phone call and offer to get together. If she gives you anything but a definite yes, then you know it's time to let her go.

 

 

 

Yeah I was thinking the same thing before even asking the question. Just wanted to see if my view on it was shared by anyone

[preraph]

I mean that some cultures really don't let their offspring do much except study and adhere to whatever their regimen is. You would know. Is she still living at home? I bet she is. And if so , they are still running her life.

[jgraham11]

I mean that some cultures really don't let their offspring do much except study and adhere to whatever their regimen is. You would know. Is she still living at home? I bet she is. And if so , they are still running her life.

 

No, she's completely removed from them. She lives in NYC, they live in Beijing haha. They have very little control over anything she does. In the sense of day to day activities I mean

 

In a lot of ways I look at this situation in two different lights. One the spring break she went on covered two weekends, so assuming she really did go on spring break then this weekend coming up would be the only time she's ever not gone out with me while in town. I don't mean to make that spring break sound like nothing, but that was planned before she met me. So i'm hesitant to hold that against her

 

Again, though that's if she actually did go on spring break. For all I know she could have been in town going on other dates. It just comes down to whether or not I believe her on that

Edited March 23, 2017 by jgraham11

[act00]

She could be genuinely busy, but I'm thinking she's probably not interested. You can keep this door open, just to see if it goes anywhere, but at this point, I would drop texting for a little while. You may wish to check in in a week and ask how she's doing. See if her schedule has lightened up, and see if the convo picks up again, and maybe get in another date. If she maintains her busy schedule, let it go. Either she's not interested or she has way too much going on that dating was probably not a good idea for her in the first place, as she has other priorities. Either way, you're not going to be part of her life.

[jgraham11]

She could be genuinely busy, but I'm thinking she's probably not interested. You can keep this door open, just to see if it goes anywhere, but at this point, I would drop texting for a little while. You may wish to check in in a week and ask how she's doing. See if her schedule has lightened up, and see if the convo picks up again, and maybe get in another date. If she maintains her busy schedule, let it go. Either she's not interested or she has way too much going on that dating was probably not a good idea for her in the first place, as she has other priorities. Either way, you're not going to be part of her life.

 

 

Yeah that's kind of where I'm at now. It's been 5 days since I texted her, so I'm kind of giving her an ultimatum now. Just asked "how this weekend was looking?"

 

 

I'll basically tell if her if she says not good or something, well okay but I don't this is going to work out

 

 

It'll suck if she's legitimately busy though and she hasn't lied. I hate bringing this into it though but because of her personality and culture background I don't know if it's the same if an American girl pulled this

 

I mean this is like the last girl in the world who would date another guy while dating me. I'm not looking for excuses it's just that she's your typical extremely shy Chinese born girl

Edited March 23, 2017 by jgraham11

[kidm]

Yeah that's kind of where I'm at now. It's been 5 days since I texted her, so I'm kind of giving her an ultimatum now. Just asked "how this weekend was looking?"

 

 

I'll basically tell if her if she says not good or something, well okay but I don't this is going to work out

 

 

It'll suck if she's legitimately busy though and she hasn't lied. I hate bringing this into it though but because of her personality and culture background I don't know if it's the same if an American girl pulled this

 

I mean this is like the last girl in the world who would date another guy while dating me. I'm not looking for excuses it's just that she's your typical extremely shy Chinese born girl

 

Too shy to initiate text and schedule another date? Didn't you meet her on an online dating website? So she wasn't shy to post a profile and try to meet guys via an unconventional forum. The laughable excuse is the "wait and let me see if I have too much school work." WTF. My vote is you are at the bottom of the totem pole and she her primary interest lies with someone else and it has nothing to do with her cultural background.

[jgraham11]

Too shy to initiate text and schedule another date? Didn't you meet her on an online dating website? So she wasn't shy to post a profile and try to meet guys via an unconventional forum. The laughable excuse is the "wait and let me see if I have too much school work." WTF. My vote is you are at the bottom of the totem pole and she her primary interest lies with someone else and it has nothing to do with her cultural background.

 

Then why delete her Match right when she started dating me? I mean if she still had her Match and pulled this I would have been gone by now.

 

And yes, "apparently" according to a Chinese friend of mine that's very normal for a shy/traditional girl to not initiate texting

 

Anytime we went on a date she'd always say sorry for being so shy too haha

Edited March 23, 2017 by jgraham11

[coolheadal]

Little background on this girl I'm seeing first, then to my problem with her

Been seeing her for a month, she's incredibly shy, doesn't initiate convo over text it's always me ( I think that just stems for her shyness). We're both only dating each other she even deleted her Match profile before me. I think it should also be worth noting she's from Mainland China. I have Chinese friends who tell me they don't get into relationships unless they have serious intentions. This is my first time dating someone other than an American, but I've heard Chinese girls feel like they're in a relationship as soon as they start dating haha, but some of the stuff she's done has contradicted that. Soo with that being said..

 

 

The problem is she's come up with a few excuses the past few dates on not meeting up. The first excuse was when I exchanged a few texts with her and she said how she forgot to mention she was going away for spring break on the last date. She also told me that she'd see me when she got back. I thought "Okay, cool, no big deal". Then I texted her the following week to ask if she'd be back home in time to meet up the next weekend, she basically just said she wouldn't be home in time to meet up, again I didn't think too much of it

 

Now recently I asked her if she wanted to meet up this coming weekend and she's basically making me wait to see if she has too much "school work". It's kind of a tricky scenario cause she very well could be telling the truth about her spring break excuse (no way for me to know for sure), but her basically not committing to this coming weekend because of "school work" seems a little ridiculous to me. That would also mean 3 straight weekends of not seeing a girl that i've only been seeing for 4 weeks, so I'm pretty lost right now. Outside of just straight up asking what are my options? I look at her deleting her Match profile, hooking up with her, her telling me she'd "see me when she got back" as all good things. But 3 weeks for a girl i've been dating for 4 is a big separation in between dates too

 

 

Advice on what to do? Is she politely telling me to get lost?

 

She's doing whatever she pleases. You have to either except it or just push on. Don't expect too much from her. I am sure she has other guys at her beck and call. While you were gone she kept on seeing them. Your back so you have to wait your turn. NEXT!

[jgraham11]

She's doing whatever she pleases. You have to either except it or just push on. Don't expect too much from her. I am sure she has other guys at her beck and call. While you were gone she kept on seeing them. Your back so you have to wait your turn. NEXT!

 

What? I'm sorry I know my post was long but don't offer advice if you didn't read the details. I didn't go anywhere..

[SevenCity]

Then why delete her Match right when she started dating me? I mean if she still had her Match and pulled this I would have been gone by now.

 

And yes, "apparently" according to a Chinese friend of mine that's very normal for a shy/traditional girl to not initiate texting

 

Anytime we went on a date she'd always say sorry for being so shy too haha

 

Did she say she deleted it as a result of you? Did she ask you to delete yours?

 

Regardless of culture, she has acclimated enough to survive in NYC.

 

Regardless of her culture, she would make time if she was interested. Right now you are waiting on her to determine your weekend plans. I would have said "Ok if you're not sure let me know when you definitely know your schedule" and make other plans.

 

She sees you as waiting like a puppy dog for her to make up her mind. Interested girls do not act like this.

[crossingbridges]

Try to avoid clinginess, act like you pretty much don't care whether she will meet you or not. Text her once a week, say hi and ask to meet up, nothing else. If you ask two times and she bails on you both times and won't come up with a counter offer, tell her to let you know when her schedule frees up and act neutral. But you should never initiate again, walk away and never look back. If she contacts you, ask her to meet up. If she can't and doesn't provide a counter offer, just say okay be in touch and continue your no contact rule. Don't tell her: well this isn't going to work out and be all butthurt, that will make her happy you're gone. Act like you simply don't care and start meeting other women.

[jgraham11]

Did she say she deleted it as a result of you? Did she ask you to delete yours?

 

Regardless of culture, she has acclimated enough to survive in NYC.

 

Regardless of her culture, she would make time if she was interested. Right now you are waiting on her to determine your weekend plans. I would have said "Ok if you're not sure let me know when you definitely know your schedule" and make other plans.

 

She sees you as waiting like a puppy dog for her to make up her mind. Interested girls do not act like this.

 

Well we both deleted them. She deleted hers first though, and I kind of only did it cause she did and it seemed the like the decent thing to do.. at the time.

 

Right I know she would and that's why I'm kind of giving her this last chance to say "Yeah, let's do something". I don't think i'll take a no as an answer, that'll be time to say goodbye

 

The only issue I have is if she was telling the truth about her spring break, which would have covered two weekends. I mean if she was then I can't really be upset with her missing one weekend of dating (while she's in town). It's whether or not I can believe that she actually went where she said she was going

[jgraham11]

Try to avoid clinginess, act like you pretty much don't care whether she will meet you or not. Text her once a week, say hi and ask to meet up, nothing else. If you ask two times and she bails on you both times and won't come up with a counter offer, tell her to let you know when her schedule frees up and act neutral. But you should never initiate again, walk away and never look back. If she contacts you, ask her to meet up. If she can't and doesn't provide a counter offer, just say okay be in touch and continue your no contact rule. Don't tell her: well this isn't going to work out and be all butthurt, that will make her happy you're gone. Act like you simply don't care and start meeting other women.

 

Yeah I like that idea actually. I have done that with her before. I mean it's been 5 days since I texted her that's why I figured "screw it i'll text her one last time today"

 

I'm more of one of those people who like to end it verbally though. There's something about verbal closure that helps things. I certainly won't seem butthurt about it, cause, well truthfully I don't think I really would be at this point

 

Probably just a simple text saying this isn't going to work, nice getting to know you, bye

[crossingbridges]

Yeah I like that idea actually. I have done that with her before. I mean it's been 5 days since I texted her that's why I figured "screw it i'll text her one last time today"

 

I'm more of one of those people who like to end it verbally though. There's something about verbal closure that helps things. I certainly won't seem butthurt about it, cause, well truthfully I don't think I really would be at this point

 

Probably just a simple text saying this isn't going to work, nice getting to know you, bye

 

I get you, but from my point of view you don't have anything to end. You met her 1 or 2 times? If you go this way to verbally "end" it, where there is no "it", you will ruin your chances of getting closer to her. If you give her time and patience but maintain strong she may develop more feelings for you and reach out. Even if you end up not talking to her for two months, odds are if she is in our social environment that you will see her again. She then recalls how strong you were and that she may have taken you for granted. Or she will see a picture of you on facebook in 3 weeks and think about you, you get the point. There is absolutely no reason to "end it".

 

But you should not commit to the girl lol, open up your online dating account and start talking to other women. You would not be cheating on her if she found out even though you non-verbally agreed to disable your accounts. If she can sense that energy and careless-ness, she will come running. It might just be a **** test.

[jgraham11]

*Update*

 

She said she had a paper due next week.. :/

 

So basically I just asked her if I should even bother trying again. Told her 3 weeks is kind of a long time between dates, so we'll see what happens. I'm not even expecting a response actually

[jgraham11]

I get you, but from my point of view you don't have anything to end. You met her 1 or 2 times? If you go this way to verbally "end" it, where there is no "it", you will ruin your chances of getting closer to her. If you give her time and patience but maintain strong she may develop more feelings for you and reach out. Even if you end up not talking to her for two months, odds are if she is in our social environment that you will see her again. She then recalls how strong you were and that she may have taken you for granted. Or she will see a picture of you on facebook in 3 weeks and think about you, you get the point. There is absolutely no reason to "end it".

 

But you should not commit to the girl lol, open up your online dating account and start talking to other women. You would not be cheating on her if she found out even though you non-verbally agreed to disable your accounts. If she can sense that energy and careless-ness, she will come running. It might just be a **** test.

 

 

Yeah we don't travel in the same social circles. I don't even have her on FB. It was 4 dates over a month. I actually just did bring back my Match account. I had an update just above this reply basically explaining her response and my response

[crossingbridges]

*Update*

 

She said she had a paper due next week.. :/

 

So basically I just asked her if I should even bother trying again. Told her 3 weeks is kind of a long time between dates, so we'll see what happens. I'm not even expecting a response actually

 

She has clearly lost interest in you, you have to stop thinking about her. Still, I think it was a mistake on your part to need the closure. You don't have to ask her if you should even bother to ask her out again. When you read this, can you hear how weak that sounds? You are whining about not getting to see her, you should not want to see her if she doesn't want to see you. It shows that you value yourself.

 

You already made the mistake, but I would stay away from this one unless she reaches out to you...

[jgraham11]

She has clearly lost interest in you, you have to stop thinking about her. Still, I think it was a mistake on your part to need the closure. You don't have to ask her if you should even bother to ask her out again. When you read this, can you hear how weak that sounds? You are whining about not getting to see her, you should not want to see her if she doesn't want to see you. It shows that you value yourself.

 

You already made the mistake, but I would stay away from this one unless she reaches out to you...

 

Oh I am I just basically ended it cause she didn't respond. I said basically at her silence "I'll take that as a no, nice knowing ya, goodbye" that's all. I don't even really feel all that bad about it to be honest

 

I don't think I sounded weak though. I was trying to make it known to her like "Listen, I'm losing some patience here, so give me some type of sign to keep pursuing you or else I won't" that's all that was really

[jgraham11]

So this girl and I just ended things recently. See my last post, if you're interested in the major details. Anyway, she said she'd still love to be friends, if I wanted to be friends. I said yeah, cause truthfully after the lack of communication we had while dating I lost a lot of emotional feelings for her and I still liked her as a person so I figured "why not"

 

However, I wouldn't mind actually being friends with her. She said we could still hang out and grab food or something sometime as friends. So I said cool

 

Anyway, the ultimate question I have is how often are women just BS'ing? I mean how often do they really have any intentions of being friends. This relationship didn't reach anything sexual, just kissing so it's not like it'll be awkward or anything if we were to just be friends

 

This girl is also somewhat new in my area and I know for a fact she doesn't actually have many friends. So yeah.. thoughts?

Edited March 24, 2017 by jgraham11

[NTV]

My thoughts are you say yes and then ghost her. Ideally you should have said no but cats out of the bag.

 

Ghost her and when she texts you asking why, say 'sorry can't talk right now working on getting a girlfriend.'

[jgraham11]

My thoughts are you say yes and then ghost her. Ideally you should have said no but cats out of the bag.

 

Ghost her and when she texts you asking why, say 'sorry can't talk right now working on getting a girlfriend.'

 

Yeah well maybe I should have done that, but I genuinely believed her when she said she wanted to be friends

 

That's kind of half the question I was asking, is that just BS or do some girls mean it? I mean clearly it depends on the situation/girl, but in personal experiences is it BS to you or others who might be reading this

 

I don't care about being friends. I mean I've already started looking for another girl haha. It's just can I believe her when she says that or is just BS

Edited March 24, 2017 by jgraham11