It's almost been four months, don't know .

[love111777]

Hi everybody, first time posting on here and it is because I am so stressed about this situation.

 

Here's the story, met this guy online almost 4 months ago. We couldn't meet when we first started texting because we were in different cities and we couldn't meet till a month after talking so technically we've been *seeing* each other for almost 3 months but in contact for almost 4.

 

He says he is committed and exclusive and that I am everything he ever wanted. He is truly a great person, he is so good to me, sweet, romantic, values me. The whole thing. I am very happy and we are really compatible...the only issue is that we aren't official after all these months. I've brought it up and he says he is not in the right moment to do it right now because he's not happy so how can he be expected to make someone else happy. The thing is that he already makes me happy (which I've made clear) but he keeps asking me to wait a little more and how he wants to get things right in his life before he makes this step (be more productive, his job etc.). Although he's given me every reason to trust him (we see each other regularly, he's great at communicating with me, seems very sincere) I can't help but feel like he's feeding me bs excuses. We essentially have a relationship without the title, and I can't seem to get over that. Makes me feel like he doesn't respect me and that he's not being transparent. He also recently told me that he's been badly hurt in the past so he is a little scared.

 

I don't know what to do, because he really is great to me and I care about him a lot. I just don't want to keep on waiting for something as simple as a title. I feel like if he really cared, he'd ask me because he knows it's important to me. I can sort of understand him wanting to get out of his rut before we begin a relationship but at the same time it wouldn't change a thing and if he's not ready for a relationship now then he should've said. I told him there was a limit to how long I'd wait and he said he knew that and that he wouldn't let it get to that point but that at the same time he didn't like feeling pressured.

 

Half of me want to be logical and give him some more time but the other half is a feisty person getting fed up lol. If he isn't ready then maybe I should just tell him we'll be friends and when he is ready then he can let me know and I'll decide if I want it at that point...just being in this limbo of we act like bf/gf but aren't really seems like a red flag after talking for 4 months.

 

Thanks for the help and sorry this is so absurdly long!!

[kendahke]

I don't know what to do,

 

There are only 2 things you can do.

 

1. Accept his position, enjoy the relationship that you do have, enjoy that he is who you want to be with and let him get his life in order so that he can then be who you want him to be...

 

or

 

 

2. Bounce.

 

There is nothing you can do or that any of us can say to make him take a course of action he's already told you he's not ready to take with you.

 

I feel like if he really cared, he'd ask me because he knows it's important to me.

 

And he would say if you really cared about him, you'd let him get his house in order because that's important to him.

 

Why is what you want more important that what he wants?

 

 

Half of me want to be logical and give him some more time but the other half is a feisty person getting fed up lol.

 

The former will give you what you want, ultimately. The latter will tank this relationship by the end of spring.

Edited March 22, 2017 by kendahke

[kendahke]

if he's not ready for a relationship now then he should've said. I told him there was a limit to how long I'd wait and he said he knew that and that he wouldn't let it get to that point but that at the same time he didn't like feeling pressured.

 

Here's the thing about saying something you may not mean: when you dont' follow through with the consequences, you'll be further away from what you say you wanted than if you hadn't made this declaration in the first place. If you're going to say something like this, you need to be prepared to end it on a dime and walk away.

[mightycpa]

He says he is committed and exclusive and that I am everything he ever wanted...the only issue is that we aren't official after all these months. I've brought it up and he says he is not in the right moment to do it right now because he's not happy so how can he be expected to make someone else happy. The thing is that he already makes me happy (which I've made clear) but he keeps asking me to wait a little more and how he wants to get things right in his life before he makes this step (be more productive, his job etc.).

By "official", I guess you mean he does not consider you to be his GIRLFRIEND? I don't know what you're complaining about then.

 

Under the current terms of his preferred arrangement, he has agreed to be exclusive while not demanding the same of you. He can say he's dating you, but you're not his girlfriend. That also means you don't have a boyfriend.

 

So if I've got this right, you can go out him and you can also go on dates with other guys while he gets his life ready for the title of BOYFRIEND, while he has agreed to only go on dates with you.

 

So if a guy asks you if you have a boyfriend, you can say in all truthfulness, "No, I don't."

 

Sounds perfect to me. I guess the part that bugs you is that you want a steady boyfriend, and worse, you want this guy to fill that role. Is that right?

 

Count your blessings. You have the best of both worlds. Just make sure that you do go out with other guys who are local to you. When you find a couple of nice ones, I wonder how he'll compare then.

[love111777]

There are only 2 things you can do.

 

1. Accept his position, enjoy the relationship that you do have, enjoy that he is who you want to be with and let him get his life in order so that he can then be who you want him to be...

 

or

 

 

2. Bounce.

 

There is nothing you can do or that any of us can say to make him take a course of action he's already told you he's not ready to take with you.

 

 

 

And he would say if you really cared about him, you'd let him get his house in order because that's important to him.

 

Why is what you want more important that what he wants?

 

 

 

 

The former will give you what you want, ultimately. The latter will tank this relationship by the end of spring.

 

It's not that I think my feelings are more important...it's that he's already giving me what I want and giving me the little literally would do him no harm. But not giving it to me is making me doubt his sincerity.

 

I don't want this to end, I want to do the right thing but I also don't want him to make a fool of me. He says he'd never hurt me and that we have an amazing connection. We share the same life values, literally we are so good together. I've been hurt in the past with guys who weren't ready, I don't want it happening again.

[love111777]

Here's the thing about saying something you may not mean: when you dont' follow through with the consequences, you'll be further away from what you say you wanted than if you hadn't made this declaration in the first place. If you're going to say something like this, you need to be prepared to end it on a dime and walk away.

 

I mean I will follow through, I'm planning on giving him till May which would be more than enough time for him to get his things/mind together. He promised it would not get to the point where I would have to talk about this as an ultimatum and to just please wait a little more.

[love111777]

By "official", I guess you mean he does not consider you to be his GIRLFRIEND? I don't know what you're complaining about then.

 

Under the current terms of his preferred arrangement, he has agreed to be exclusive while not demanding the same of you. He can say he's dating you, but you're not his girlfriend. That also means you don't have a boyfriend.

 

So if I've got this right, you can go out him and you can also go on dates with other guys while he gets his life ready for the title of BOYFRIEND, while he has agreed to only go on dates with you.

 

So if a guy asks you if you have a boyfriend, you can say in all truthfulness, "No, I don't."

 

Sounds perfect to me. I guess the part that bugs you is that you want a steady boyfriend, and worse, you want this guy to fill that role. Is that right?

 

Count your blessings. You have the best of both worlds. Just make sure that you do go out with other guys who are local to you. When you find a couple of nice ones, I wonder how he'll compare then.

 

LOL well he does expect me to be exclusive too..there's nothing "best of both worlds" I want to just be with one person. I just don't understand why someone needs to be ready for a title but is already ready for everything that comes with a title..it's ridiculous.

[Ieris]

If they don't give you that girlfriend title then you need to treat them like an option just as they are doing to you.

[love111777]

If they don't give you that girlfriend title then you need to treat them like an option just as they are doing to you.

 

He treats me like a princess so that'd be very childish of me

[Cookiesandough]

Keeping the door cracked with one foot out of it still

[kendahke]

It's not that I think my feelings are more important...it's that he's already giving me what I want and giving me the little literally would do him no harm.

 

for some men, making that step is of the utmost importance to them and they don't throw that title around lightly because it really means something to them.

 

But not giving it to me is making me doubt his sincerity

 

Then you're only after a title, not him per se.

 

Insisting upon it, for him, may make him doubt your ability to be able to compromise on things in the future and be able to work together with him towards a common goal. Relationships become short-lived when you cannot see the long view and are disinterested in working towards that goal.

 

I don't want this to end, I want to do the right thing but I also don't want him to make a fool of me. He says he'd never hurt me and that we have an amazing connection. We share the same life values, literally we are so good together. I've been hurt in the past with guys who weren't ready, I don't want it happening again.

 

He can't make a fool out of you unless you give him permission to do so.

 

I'd hope that you could recognize when to pull up stakes before your relationship takes that turn and leave and go it alone til you find a guy who'll give you what you want on demand. It wouldn't require you sticking around to the point where you're allowing him to treat you like a fool. It doesn't sound at all like he's treating you like a fool--I'd say differently if he was totally disrespecting you, being sketchy and not being present in the relationship. It sounds more like you're pouting because you can't have your way on this one thing at the moment. Having a title doesn't change what you have.

 

If you share the same life values, have an amazing connection and are so good together, then you have everything you want. Why isn't that enough? You're only 4 months into this--and the honeymoon phase is entering the phase where the representatives on their good behavior are being dismissed and the real you and the real him are taking over. It's also when weak foundational relationships fail.

 

You may be finding out that you and he are not compatible if you're not willing to compromise for the higher/better good of your relationship together.

 

Find a way to be content with what you have or leave. Give him time to get his house in order. Those are you only two options. Really, you have no choice in the matter. You can't make him do/feel/say/want/think anything he hasn't already decided to do/feel/say/want/think of his own volition. If you have to lead him by the ear to your way, then it's not going to work--he will end up resenting you and you will end up resenting him and being mad at yourself for knowingly wasting your time.

Edited March 22, 2017 by kendahke

[love111777]

for some men, making that step is of the utmost importance to them and they don't throw that title around lightly because it really means something to them.

 

.

 

Then you're only after a title, not him per se.

 

Insisting upon it, for him, may make him doubt your ability to be able to compromise on things in the future and be able to work together with him towards a common goal.

 

 

 

He can't make a fool out of you unless you give him permission to do so.

 

I'd hope that you could recognize when to pull up stakes before your relationship takes that turn and leave and go it alone til you find a guy who'll give you what you want on demand. It wouldn't require you sticking around to the point where you're allowing him to treat you like a fool. It doesn't sound at all like he's treating you like a fool--I'd say differently if he was totally disrespecting you, being sketchy and not being present in the relationship. It sounds more like you're pouting because you can't have your way on this one thing at the moment. Having a title doesn't change what you have.

 

If you share the same life values, have an amazing connection and are so good together, then you have everything you want. Why isn't that enough? You're only 4 months into this--and the honeymoon phase is entering the phase where the representatives on their good behavior are being dismissed and the real you and the real him are taking over. It's also when weak foundational relationships fail.

 

You may be finding out that you and he are not compatible if you're not willing to compromise for the higher/better good of your relationship together.

 

Find a way to be content with what you have or leave. Give him time to get his house in order. Those are you only two options. Really, you have no choice in the matter. You can't make him do/feel/say/want/think anything he hasn't already decided to do/feel/say/want/think of his own volition. If you have to lead him by the ear to your way, then it's not going to work--he will end up resenting you and you will end up resenting him and being mad at yourself for knowingly wasting your time.

 

Thank you, I appreciate what you've said. Everything points in the direction that he is a great guy and that he takes me seriously but I also don't want to wait for a crazy amount of time, that's why I'm making May be the limit. Do you think that is a good time frame? That would be 5 months of us talking, 4 dating.

 

Another thing is that I'm leaving this city in a couple of months but he's known this from the beginning and is okay with us doing long distance.

 

He said that at this time in his life, when he asks someone to be his girlfriend is because he plans on marrying them so yes it is super important to him. I guess I'm letting insecurities get in the way because it makes me feel like he's not sure about me yet but it's really clear to see how much he cares about me. He drives over an hour to see me every week, surprises me with thoughtful things, is always looking out for me. When we met online, he deleted the dating app after 6 days of us talking too so it doesn't seem he's afraid of commitment.

 

One more thing- I have a special life event next month where all my family is going to be at. It hurts me he won't be there but I don't want him to meet my family yet because we aren't official. Is this a good idea?

[olivetree]

What do you want long term?

Because if you want something serious leading to moving in together and marriage, my guess is it is going to be very slow with this guy.

 

You don't seem to be on the same page with where you are at and that is important to the success of a relationship.

 

I would lose interest if a guy wasn't super excited to be my bf after 4 months.

[Cookiesandough]

He's okay with the commitment of being exclusive with you/not seeing other people and I see no reason for you to doubt that.

 

But he is not okay with the commitment of calling you his gf/official rship.. It obviously holds a lot more weight to him than the former.

 

He is keeping a distance and drawing a line by not assuming this label. Becoming "official" makes stuff way more "real" for a lot of people. There's a lot more responsibility that comes with that label. A lot more permanence than exclusively "seeing".

 

I would venture a guess the impending distance is some factor in his consideration of long-term viability. He's being really careful

[kendahke]

Thank you, I appreciate what you've said. Everything points in the direction that he is a great guy and that he takes me seriously but I also don't want to wait for a crazy amount of time, that's why I'm making May be the limit. Do you think that is a good time frame? That would be 5 months of us talking, 4 dating.

 

That is reasonable provided you haven't told him this as a way to manipulate him.

 

Another thing is that I'm leaving this city in a couple of months but he's known this from the beginning and is okay with us doing long distance.

 

Talk about "burying the lede"! Are you moving away to another city permanently? You're fortunate that he is willing to go as far as he has with you. I know I wouldn't get involved with anyone who is leaving the area soon after meeting. What's the point? I want someone who is in close proximity to me, that I can see most if not every day.

 

He said that at this time in his life, when he asks someone to be his girlfriend is because he plans on marrying them so yes it is super important to him. I guess I'm letting insecurities get in the way because it makes me feel like he's not sure about me yet but it's really clear to see how much he cares about me

.

 

You have only known one another for 4 months.. and you're leaving in another couple. Yes, he's still figuring out if you and he can work and that's totally reasonable... and he wants to see how the LDR pans out--if he and you have the self discipline to do LDR's--not everyone has the self discipline to make LDR's successful and one can't fault them if they can't. Some people have it and some people don't. Makes them who they are.

 

He drives over an hour to see me every week, surprises me with thoughtful things, is always looking out for me. When we met online, he deleted the dating app after 6 days of us talking too so it doesn't seem he's afraid of commitment.

 

He's doing a whole lot to show you he's all in, but I've yet to read what you're reciprocating, other than pouting because you can't have a title.

 

One more thing- I have a special life event next month where all my family is going to be at. It hurts me he won't be there but I don't want him to meet my family yet because we aren't official. Is this a good idea?

 

I think that depends upon the expectations your conversations with your family about this guy have sown.

[preraph]

Have you been over to his home? I'm just making sure he's not married or otherwise taken and you're not just a side dish.

[CaliforniaGirl]

If they don't give you that girlfriend title then you need to treat them like an option just as they are doing to you.

 

Yes. (10 characters)

[curiouslysearching]

Have you been over to his home? I'm just making sure he's not married or otherwise taken and you're not just a side dish.

 

"side dish" is that like a dessert of sorts????

I am not much on sweets but occasionally a little

ice cream isn't bad ya know?

[mightycpa]

I agree, it's ridiculous to be afraid of that "title" and also, it's ridiculous to ask a person who is not your bf/gf to be exclusive.

 

"We're dating exclusively, but we're not boyfriend and girlfriend quite yet!"

 

What does that even mean?

 

Maybe he thinks you want to get married!

[act00]

You're leaving the city in a couple of months? Permanently? I can certainly see him not wanting to pursue anything long-term. He likes you a lot, it seems, but he has no desire to get too attached to someone who is leaving and perhaps is not interested in LDR or moving. Maybe he just doesn't know yet, so he's just seeing how things progress. Just enjoy your time together.

 

As far as the family thing? If you like him, why not bring him along? I don't see why you shouldn't, although it's a big thing to introduce a "boyfriend" to the family, and he may not want to do that just yet, but I think it wouldn't be a bad thing to invite him. Don't take it personally if he would prefer not to, though.

 

On my end, I'm thinking, you really don't know what your future holds, and you don't know if once you move, you find someone in your area that you really hit it off with. Or LDR isn't working for you. When you're not even settled, it's probably not the best idea to pursue anything serious, anyway, and you can see why with this relationship. Enjoy your time, and let whatever may or may not happen progress naturally.

[clia]

I agree, it's ridiculous to be afraid of that "title" and also, it's ridiculous to ask a person who is not your bf/gf to be exclusive.

 

"We're dating exclusively, but we're not boyfriend and girlfriend quite yet!"

 

What does that even mean?

 

Maybe he thinks you want to get married!

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

I dated a guy like this for nine months when I was in my 20s. We were exclusive, saw each other frequently, met friends and family, took trips, etc. Everything boyfriends and girlfriends do. So, I thought all the actions were there, who cares is he can't put a label on it? It wasn't until he introduced me as his "friend" to people at his best friend's wedding that I realized the absurdity of the situation. I found out he was a huge commitment phobe. That's why he couldn't put a title on us - because he wanted one foot out the door.

 

Tread lightly and definitely put a deadline on it. I think you are probably wasting time with this guy.