Dating new guy, moving way too fast?

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

After quite a few unsuccessful online dates, I met a guy who is super interested in me or rather having a serious relationship w/me. Both of us figured out that we date for a serious relationship and hopefully one day marriage. This guy is a complete breath of fresh air from my ex, he actually wants to be in contact w/me, spend time w/me etc. The other day we finally met and I really like him, he is leaving for a couple weeks (job related) and I told him after he comes back, that's when we will spend more time together and see where we go w/it. I am actually tired of going on quite a few 1st dates. He told me he wants to be the one who has me delete my online profile, which I always do once I start dating someone seriously. Thoughts? Just to add, I am take getting physically intimate very slowly, so sex would be out the picture for quite a long while.

[Tressugar]

Just a FYI usually if a person leaves for a few weeks after the first meeting it usually stalls. But who knows this may be different.

 

Men always promise the moon and stars in the beginning stages. I've been promised houses, cars etc. during the early dating phase. Just stand back and see if his words match his actions. That will let you know how serious he is about you.

[Larryville]

After quite a few unsuccessful online dates, I met a guy who is super interested in me.

Ladies you're going to have to explain something to me. I'm trying to figure out there are so many people who start threads, women in particular and after the FIRST meeting with a guy, he then says I'm going to be taking off for a couple of weeks or a month... why is it that these people don't find out that they are going to take off for some sort of trip work-related or vacation wise immediately after meeting somebody for the first time? What was the point of meeting before this mystery trip? Wouldn't you have known that before they had even met?

 

I don't know if I've been reading this site for too long and things are starting to run together I don't understand so many people are posting threads about meeting somebody and the meeting was so wonderful) then the guy immediately says well I'm going on a vacation or I'll have to go on a work-related trip immediately after meeting that doesn't make sense what am I missing?

 

And yes....

 

Men always promise the moon and stars in the beginning stages. I've been promised houses, cars etc. during the early dating phase. Just stand back and see if his words match his actions. That will let you know how serious he is about you.

Okay so you had a number of unsuccessful dates, unsuccessful in what manner? Did you not like them or they didn't like you?

 

I've asked this question before what is the point of online dating? Is it simply meeting somebody or meeting somebody and having a relationship developed because of that meeting?

 

Do people just accept random dates with people because they're bored and don't have anything else better to do or want a free meal or drink?

[CaliforniaGirl]

Did you know before you two met up that he is leaving?

 

If not, it sounds like B.S. to me...like the meeting didn't meet his expectations. Although hell may freeze over for this, I'm going to agree with Larry ^ on a point: if nothing was said beforehand, then suddenly something pressing is going to take up all the person's time for at least a couple of weeks (sometimes they say "a few weeks" if it's just "work is busy right now" or whatever), then it's almost certainly you going on the back burner or just being phased out entirely without the guy having to be uncomfortable saying directly that he isn't interested.

 

However, if you knew beforehand about this and he was as enthusiastic as you claim he was both before and after the date, then it sounds to me like it's legitimate.

 

There's always the possibility this is a hit it and quit it M.O., of course - IOW, maybe this is his schtick, "I'm totally over the moon for you but I'm going away on business soon," he makes sure to ramp up the love-bombing so you put out before it's time for him to "go away," then two weeks after he's supposed to be back from "his trip" you discover he's gone suddenly chilly. If it were me, I'd be keeping my panties up before this business trip, THEN seeing what's what. Just being cautious here.

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

So I met a guy online and we were texting for a week before we met (he was travelling on military related things). He came off super strong, flirty and very sweet. I was very wary about getting serious too soon, so I told him to slow down and that I would be dating other guys before we ever got exclusive. We went on a 1st date, that was amazing and on the 2nd date I guess he got his bearings. He told me since he would be leaving for 3 weeks for me to keep my options open because he didn't want to jump into a serious relationship and getting hurt again. After these weeks of him being gone, we will be dating. One thing though, I do not want to be strung along, I went on dates while we were talking and I felt nothing w/them. What gives?

[Cookiesandough]

Just my 2 cents...

 

 

But saying outright let's slow down I'm gonna be dating multiples guys, even if being honest, is probably gonna chase away a lot of good, relationship-minded men.

 

I mean it won't always be a deterrent but thats more what you'd say to a guy if you're looking for something casual and want to attract someone interested in casual

 

I understand some people do this and want to go slow, but you can always set the pace in other ways as you go and don't have to tell anything about who you're seeing until that discussion comes up

Edited March 23, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

Just my 2 cents...

 

 

But saying outright let's slow down I'm gonna be dating multiples guys, even if being honest, is probably gonna chase away a lot of good, relationship-minded men.

 

I mean it won't always be a deterrent but thats more what you'd say to a guy if you're looking for something casual and want to attract someone interested in casual

 

I understand some people do this and want to go slow, but you can always set the pace in other ways as you go and don't have to tell anything about who you're seeing until that discussion comes up

 

It just really freaked me out how fast he was moving, he was talking about a relationship before we even met.

[KBob]

It just really freaked me out how fast he was moving, he was talking about a relationship before we even met.

 

Definitely too soon to be talking about a relationship, but Cookies has a point. There have actually been studies that show most men will withdraw when it is announced that they have competition. Don't announce it, and oddly enough we will be fine, but as soon as it's put in a man's face it could jeopardize whatever you have.

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

Definitely too soon to be talking about a relationship, but Cookies has a point. There have actually been studies that show most men will withdraw when it is announced that they have competition. Don't announce it, and oddly enough we will be fine, but as soon as it's put in a man's face it could jeopardize whatever you have.

 

Did I ruin it permanently? I told him I liked him the most and I would def stop dating once I got into a relationship. Plus I'm actually sick of dating atm and I want a relationship, I have gone on maybe almost 10 dates since my BU and it has been a drag. Btw I told him I was keeping my options open because he started talking about a relationship before we even met, the other guys I went on date w/was before we even met up for our first date, when we 1st started talking. Now that I have met him, I do want to be more serious. It was flattering to see a guy so interested, but I know a lot of times a guy could come off strong then say hey I'm not ready for this.

Edited March 23, 2017 by Ilovelifeforwhatcome

[ExpatInItaly]

Did I ruin it permanently? I told him I liked him the most and I would def stop dating once I got into a relationship. Plus I'm actually sick of dating atm and I want a relationship, I have gone on maybe almost 10 dates since my BU and it has been a drag. Btw I told him I was keeping my options open because he started talking about a relationship before we even met, the other guys I went on date w/was before we even met up for our first date, when we 1st started talking. Now that I have met him, I do want to be more serious. It was flattering to see a guy so interested, but I know a lot of times a guy could come off strong then say hey I'm not ready for this.

 

So, why are you now backtracking after he followed your instruction to slow down?

 

If you felt it was a red flag with the relationship talk (and I agree, that's too much) then perhaps you are right about something feeling off. You only met him in person once. For me, that would still be far too early to know if I want something serious with a person. It's impossible to say it's done for good, but I think you should try to stick to your guns a little more. You wanted him to slow down. He did. You can't fault him for that.

 

Telling him you plan on dating others was rather unnecessary; you don't need to announce that right off the bat. But the fact that you felt compelled to say so might be a clue that this one wasn't for you anyway.

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

So, why are you now backtracking after he followed your instruction to slow down?

 

If you felt it was a red flag with the relationship talk (and I agree, that's too much) then perhaps you are right about something feeling off. You only met him in person once. For me, that would still be far too early to know if I want something serious with a person. It's impossible to say it's done for good, but I think you should try to stick to your guns a little more. You wanted him to slow down. He did. You can't fault him for that.

 

Telling him you plan on dating others was rather unnecessary; you don't need to announce that right off the bat. But the fact that you felt compelled to say so might be a clue that this one wasn't for you anyway.

 

I guess it was a safeguard for me not to get attached so quickly as I have done in the past. I don't fault him for slowing down, I just want to make sure we go on dates w/the possibility of a relationship (no promises or anything). In retrospect I was afraid that he would be a total creep and he wasn't. I really started liking him on the 1st date and more so on the 2nd date. What should I do now?

[act00]

It just really freaked me out how fast he was moving, he was talking about a relationship before we even met.

 

I'm going to go off in another direction here. Granted, you met this man in person, so he's hopefully "real," but anyone who "travels a lot" and is largely unavailable, and also comes on really strong, like talking marriage and future together this fast, can be a fraud. They say these things to hook you in and charm you. You feel really special. Be careful.

 

And I agree about not announcing you'll be seeing other people, and I would avoid talking about the other people, whether past or present. It's not relevant unless you're laughing over some dating horror stories, and of course some past will pop up. Date other people if you wish, but it doesn't have to be "in your face."

[Kamille]

I'm assuming you are both multi dating at this point? Is the issue that you're so excited about this guy that you don't feel like dating others? No wonder you feel vulnerable and worry about being strung along.

 

That said, if he is also seeing others while he's travelling, your best bet is indeed to do whatever you have to do to keep your interest in him at a manageable level. This could mean dating others, it could mean going out and having fun with friends, it could mean doing a great workout. Basically, do whatever you have to do to keep your focus off of him.

[smackie9]

It just really freaked me out how fast he was moving, he was talking about a relationship before we even met.

My perception? he's a smooth talker ...a smooth operator telling you what you like to hear...music to your heart, a love bombing player. That's why alarm bells are going off.....makes you a little nervous? rightfully so.

 

You are better to go NC to shake him off before you get messed up into something that will deter you from meeting the real deal. Just my 2 cents.

[kendahke]

He told me since he would be leaving for 3 weeks for me to keep my options open because he didn't want to jump into a serious relationship and getting hurt again.

 

He intends upon dating other women while he's out of eye-site for 3 weeks and he's giving you the freedom so that you can't spin back on him about his behavior while he's gone.

 

or

 

upon meeting you, he decided that he didn't want to get involved in a relationship with you.

[Redhead14]

It just really freaked me out how fast he was moving, he was talking about a relationship before we even met.

 

If he was just talking about his overall dating goal, I don't see a problem. If he was telling you he wanted a relationship with YOU at that point, that's a flag for sure.

 

I'd sit back and just observe. Date others in the meantime and see what happens while he is gone and what he does after he gets back. If you're still interested by then.

[Cookiesandough]

It just really freaked me out how fast he was moving, he was talking about a relationship before we even met.

 

Seems fishy, what you told him aside.

 

First, before he's even met you face to face he tells you he wants a relationship with you? This is the marker of a desperate man or a player.

 

Then you told him you were wanting to go slow/casually and see others

 

After that, he says keep your options open while he's gone and he doesn't want to jump into anything serious because he's been hurt?

 

I'm probably missing some details, but I don't understand why he needed to say that after you told him that was exactly what you were doing. Why would he talk about not wanting to jump into something serious after one meeting with a person who already said they wanted to go slow

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

He intends upon dating other women while he's out of eye-site for 3 weeks and he's giving you the freedom so that you can't spin back on him about his behavior while he's gone.

 

or

 

upon meeting you, he decided that he didn't want to get involved in a relationship with you.

 

He is on assignment those 3 weeks and he is not going to be able to date anyone. He didn't outright reject me, something I have experienced, he wants to continue seeing me after those 3 weeks and when he does get back I will talk to him about where we would be going if we were seeing each other. As for experiencing the rejection, I went w/another guy for 2 dates and on second date he pretty much just told me it wouldn't work out and I haven't heard from him since (I deleted his number right away and everything).

[Gr8fuln2020]

Definitely too soon to be talking about a relationship, but Cookies has a point. There have actually been studies that show most men will withdraw when it is announced that they have competition. Don't announce it, and oddly enough we will be fine, but as soon as it's put in a man's face it could jeopardize whatever you have.

 

I believe this. I certainly would not waste undue energy over a woman who is also considering someone else. That is, I certainly would not put 100% and especially if I have other options or potential options.

 

I did this once and though I got the girl, it didn't turn out well. She continued to have emotional connections to the other guy and I ended it abruptly after finding out.

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

I believe this. I certainly would not waste undue energy over a woman who is also considering someone else. That is, I certainly would not put 100% and especially if I have other options or potential options.

 

I did this once and though I got the girl, it didn't turn out well. She continued to have emotional connections to the other guy and I ended it abruptly after finding out.

 

I wasn't having any emotional connections w/anyone. Dating for me would be having a lot of 1st dates and talking to other guys. Not getting sexually or emotionally involved w/anyone unless I was serious about them.

[CaliforniaGirl]

So I met a guy online and we were texting for a week before we met (he was travelling on military related things). He came off super strong, flirty and very sweet. I was very wary about getting serious too soon, so I told him to slow down and that I would be dating other guys before we ever got exclusive. We went on a 1st date, that was amazing and on the 2nd date I guess he got his bearings. He told me since he would be leaving for 3 weeks for me to keep my options open because he didn't want to jump into a serious relationship and getting hurt again. After these weeks of him being gone, we will be dating. One thing though, I do not want to be strung along, I went on dates while we were talking and I felt nothing w/them. What gives?

 

Okay, wait.

 

Not sure why I didn't see this before...

 

Apparently two starter threads were merged? Anyway, this is DIFFERENT from your OP in this particular thread. In that one you said you both want a relationship. In this ^ post above, you say you had already gone out, then he mentioned he is leaving AND said you should *keep your options open*. Why didn't you give that information in this thread? It changes everything. This is what someone says when he's trying to either just get a quickie without commitment, or is trying to fade away entirely and is letting you down in increments.

 

I mean let's look at this logically. You met, he was all enthusiastic until you did, then you were face-to-face and WHOOPS, "I'm not really sure I want anything serious...see other people...oh, by the way, I'm going to just not be around for a few weeks..."

 

He's not interested. Don't consider following up with this guy. If he even agrees to another date, it'll be because he is mentally shrugging his shoulders saying, "Oh well, she knows the deal, I told her to see other people, maybe I can get a little and then she can't accuse me of leading her on."

[crossingbridges]

It's just waaaaayyyy too soon to make any assumptions at this point. And yes, in my opinion things are going pretty fast talking about things like that on a first date.... just ****ing chill and take it easy for the first 3-5 dates, then you can begin to think about stuff like that if you still like him.

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

Okay, wait.

 

Not sure why I didn't see this before...

 

Apparently two starter threads were merged? Anyway, this is DIFFERENT from your OP in this particular thread. In that one you said you both want a relationship. In this ^ post above, you say you had already gone out, then he mentioned he is leaving AND said you should *keep your options open*. Why didn't you give that information in this thread? It changes everything. This is what someone says when he's trying to either just get a quickie without commitment, or is trying to fade away entirely and is letting you down in increments.

 

I mean let's look at this logically. You met, he was all enthusiastic until you did, then you were face-to-face and WHOOPS, "I'm not really sure I want anything serious...see other people...oh, by the way, I'm going to just not be around for a few weeks..."

 

He's not interested. Don't consider following up with this guy. If he even agrees to another date, it'll be because he is mentally shrugging his shoulders saying, "Oh well, she knows the deal, I told her to see other people, maybe I can get a little and then she can't accuse me of leading her on."

 

If he told me suddenly he wouldn't be around for several weeks, then I would be wary. When we 1st started talking he talked about his 3 week assignment, so he isn't blowing me off. He was enthusiastic until I told him I would keep my options open, maybe I should have not done that, but I was freaked out completely. He actually talked to friends about it and they thought it was a terrible idea jumping in so soon.

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

Okay, wait.

 

Not sure why I didn't see this before...

 

Apparently two starter threads were merged? Anyway, this is DIFFERENT from your OP in this particular thread. In that one you said you both want a relationship. In this ^ post above, you say you had already gone out, then he mentioned he is leaving AND said you should *keep your options open*. Why didn't you give that information in this thread? It changes everything. This is what someone says when he's trying to either just get a quickie without commitment, or is trying to fade away entirely and is letting you down in increments.

 

I mean let's look at this logically. You met, he was all enthusiastic until you did, then you were face-to-face and WHOOPS, "I'm not really sure I want anything serious...see other people...oh, by the way, I'm going to just not be around for a few weeks..."

 

He's not interested. Don't consider following up with this guy. If he even agrees to another date, it'll be because he is mentally shrugging his shoulders saying, "Oh well, she knows the deal, I told her to see other people, maybe I can get a little and then she can't accuse me of leading her on."

 

He told me about the trip when we 1st started talking, so it didn't come up of a sudden. I was the one putting on breaks because I know if you respond to someone coming on strong they pull away, I was completely freaked out and just said I was dating others (just 1st dates, no sexual/emotional connection).

[CaliforniaGirl]

If he told me suddenly he wouldn't be around for several weeks, then I would be wary. When we 1st started talking he talked about his 3 week assignment, so he isn't blowing me off. He was enthusiastic until I told him I would keep my options open, maybe I should have not done that, but I was freaked out completely. He actually talked to friends about it and they thought it was a terrible idea jumping in so soon.

 

You told us it wasn't until after your second date.

 

We went on a 1st date, that was amazing and on the 2nd date I guess he got his bearings. He told me since he would be leaving for 3 weeks for me to keep my options open

 

The story is changing a lot here. I feel like you're hoping and wishing, so you're subconsciously slanting things so they don't look as bad. But...they do look bad. All I'm saying is, I wouldn't be holding my breath, if I were you. You said you want to date other people (or you said that in your previous thread) so just keep doing that.