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She's starting birth control and I plan on continuing to use condoms


Fondue

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Hi everyone!

 

Thank you for reading.

 

I'm a 29 year old man dating a 26 year old woman. Our relationship is already over 3 and a half years old. We've been discussing marriage and likely will be pursuing that path in the future. The only major issue I'm seeing right now is were both " on the fence" about offspring. She's leaning towards having them, I am leaning towards the other direction. I know this is something incredibly important to resolve and be on the same page about, so I plan to completely hash this out before making any huge decisions/commitments.

 

My (our?) current issue is that she's about to resume her birth control and I think I want to continue to use condoms.

 

She used to be on BC during our first year together. I didn't use any condoms at the time. She had to go off BC because her menstrual cycle started to act up (periods came every two weeks instead of monthly) and we've been using condoms ever since. We had TWO pregnancy scares that both ended up being just delayed periods during this 2.5 year duration. Admittedly, this left me FREAKED.

 

She recently had a gyno appointment and she requested BC again. She received the prescription and will restart it once her current menses completes. We didn't yet discuss if that will be our only method of BC, but she did KIND-OF asked and we agrees to talk about it this weekend.

 

From her question, I got the impression that she wants me to be "natural," so I think we'll end up having a disagreement here. I absolutely do not want to end up in a situation where I have to ask myself, "what dis I do to prevent/protect myself?" Because that's the only fair question, right? You can only be responsible for yourself.

 

But at the same time, I might hurt her by wanting to stay safe and do this for me. I know ultimately this is what I want and should have the absolute liberty to do so, but how do I positively convey this to my GF? Soes anyone have experience with this? How do you ladies on this forum feel about this? How would you respond?

 

Thank you.

 

TL;DR: GF of 3.5 years is going back on birth control. I want to continue to wrap it up. What to expect from this conversation?

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Why not use both? It would be a lot more effective in preventing a pregnancy than using either or.

 

I've used only BC pill with my boyfriend for the last few months. If anything happens we'll deal with it then.

 

Not sure why she would mind using both if the plan is to prevent pregnancy for sure. If you would like to keep using condoms on top of the BC pill to make absolutely certain she does not get pregnant, then she needs to respect that.

 

Also, thumbs up for maintaining control of your responsibility in birth control. So many men jump to the occasion of no longer using condoms because the woman is on the pill and forget it is not 100% effective.

Edited by GoreSP
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BCPs are only as reliable as the person taking them. Not to mention, you said her hormones were already out of whack which could have a negative impact on their effectiveness. I'd go with honesty as the best policy in this case. You aren't prepared to be a father just yet and plan on taking responsibility for that. If she can't respect that, I'd see that as a problem.

 

I'm sure she will have a list of reasons why she doesn't want to use them, such as sex feels better without them (it does). I'd think about the reasons in advance and have responses to each one. That way you don't feel cornered and end up in a fight. You've been successfully using condoms for 2+ years. I'm assuming your sex life has been satisfactory during that time since you haven't looked for other forms of birth control.

 

On a side note, it is okay to be unsure if you want children, but if it is something she wants and you don't see yourself ever wanting them, that is definitely something you need to talk about. You've put in 3.5 years, but if you don't have the same next step goals, it isn't fair to keep her from reaching hers.

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If you don't mind condoms and do not want to become a father, please continue using them. Did she give a reason why she wanted you to be natural?

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LookAtThisPOst
Hi everyone!

 

Thank you for reading.

 

I'm a 29 year old man dating a 26 year old woman. Our relationship is already over 3 and a half years old. We've been discussing marriage and likely will be pursuing that path in the future. The only major issue I'm seeing right now is were both " on the fence" about offspring. She's leaning towards having them, I am leaning towards the other direction. I know this is something incredibly important to resolve and be on the same page about, so I plan to completely hash this out before making any huge decisions/commitments.

 

My (our?) current issue is that she's about to resume her birth control and I think I want to continue to use condoms.

 

She used to be on BC during our first year together. I didn't use any condoms at the time. She had to go off BC because her menstrual cycle started to act up (periods came every two weeks instead of monthly) and we've been using condoms ever since. We had TWO pregnancy scares that both ended up being just delayed periods during this 2.5 year duration. Admittedly, this left me FREAKED.

 

She recently had a gyno appointment and she requested BC again. She received the prescription and will restart it once her current menses completes. We didn't yet discuss if that will be our only method of BC, but she did KIND-OF asked and we agrees to talk about it this weekend.

 

From her question, I got the impression that she wants me to be "natural," so I think we'll end up having a disagreement here. I absolutely do not want to end up in a situation where I have to ask myself, "what dis I do to prevent/protect myself?" Because that's the only fair question, right? You can only be responsible for yourself.

 

But at the same time, I might hurt her by wanting to stay safe and do this for me. I know ultimately this is what I want and should have the absolute liberty to do so, but how do I positively convey this to my GF? Soes anyone have experience with this? How do you ladies on this forum feel about this? How would you respond?

 

Thank you.

 

TL;DR: GF of 3.5 years is going back on birth control. I want to continue to wrap it up. What to expect from this conversation?

 

Personally, I'd get a vasectomy. If you're in a long term relationship, why use condoms?

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If you don't mind condoms and do not want to become a father, please continue using them. Did she give a reason why she wanted you to be natural?

 

We haven't spoken about it in detail yet. It was more like, "hey, so now that I'll be using the pils, are we still going to use condoms?"

 

I said, "I was planning on it, yah." Then she replied with a disappointed, "oh.." i said we should talk it over sometime this weekend. She agreed.

 

Personally, I'd get a vasectomy. If you're in a long term relationship, why use condoms?

 

Because I am still "on the fence." I thought about it a lot. Even brought it up to her. She asked me not to do that without us both agreeing on it. Which I will respect. I mean, it IS my body, my choice, but I'd like to have options-- at least for now.

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CaliforniaGirl

If she answered in a disappointed voice, and didn't offer a reason (i.e. "It just feels better without them" or whatever her reason would have been), I have to think she's hoping for a happy little accident.

 

Yes, you two NEED to talk about this. Seriously talk. And leave nothing vague. This could become a huge bone of contention between the two of you and I just am foreseeing "whoops, accident, maybe it was the antibiotics I took" or "oh my GOSH, is it because for a couple of days I forgot in the morning because of blah blah and didn't remember until that night?" thing happening.

 

Just a feeling I get.

 

TALK about this. Outright talk. Don't tap-dance around it.

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We haven't spoken about it in detail yet. It was more like, "hey, so now that I'll be using the pils, are we still going to use condoms?"

 

I said, "I was planning on it, yah." Then she replied with a disappointed, "oh.." i said we should talk it over sometime this weekend. She agreed.

 

 

 

Because I am still "on the fence." I thought about it a lot. Even brought it up to her. She asked me not to do that without us both agreeing on it. Which I will respect. I mean, it IS my body, my choice, but I'd like to have options-- at least for now.

 

My gut feeling is that she hasn't ruled out kids, to be perfectly honest. Sex without condoms feels better, I would agree, and is possible in a long-term relationship. She is also right that you shouldn't have a vasectomy without talking to her. At this age it may impact her plans to one day become a mother.

 

I would start a conversation about if or when to have kids, and if the initial assumptions at the start of the relationship are still true, and then decide on the type of BC.

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Definitely great that you're thinking about this. Too many guys think it's just a woman's responsibility.

 

This conversation could get sticky but just remember to talk about it calmly. Be sure to frame it that you really, really want to avoid kids, especially as you've had some scares and it freaked you out. Be very careful not to make it sound like you don't trust her to take the pills. It's all about double protection!

 

Why is she going back on BC? Is it with the aim of getting rid of the condoms? Personally, I don't like them. I use them when necessary for sure but, when in a relationship and I trust they aren't seeing anyone else, it's getting us both tested and ditching the pesky things (I'm on the coil). It puts a little less pressure on things to remember them and not slip up. If a guy wanted to keep using them, I would. But I don't like them and try to get rid when it is safe to do so.

 

So, if you want to keep using condoms, she may decide not to introduce hormones into her body. But remember, double protection, not a lack of trust!

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Definitely great that you're thinking about this. Too many guys think it's just a woman's responsibility.

 

This conversation could get sticky but just remember to talk about it calmly. Be sure to frame it that you really, really want to avoid kids, especially as you've had some scares and it freaked you out. Be very careful not to make it sound like you don't trust her to take the pills. It's all about double protection!

 

Why is she going back on BC? Is it with the aim of getting rid of the condoms? Personally, I don't like them. I use them when necessary for sure but, when in a relationship and I trust they aren't seeing anyone else, it's getting us both tested and ditching the pesky things (I'm on the coil). It puts a little less pressure on things to remember them and not slip up. If a guy wanted to keep using them, I would. But I don't like them and try to get rid when it is safe to do so.

 

So, if you want to keep using condoms, she may decide not to introduce hormones into her body. But remember, double protection, not a lack of trust!

She wants to go back on BC because she has "bad periods." She's usually in a lot of pain/discomfort for a week. So she's starting on it for the particular 4-periods-per-year hormones.

 

That's kind of my concern. I don't want to make it seem like I don't trust her. And I feel like it really SHOULDN'T matter, because you know, protecting yourself is only being proactive, but I can't shake the feeling that it would still hurt her. I guess I'm just getting some opinions from a forum to get into her mind a little and prepare for this conversation.

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CaliforniaGirl
She wants to go back on BC because she has "bad periods." She's usually in a lot of pain/discomfort for a week. So she's starting on it for the particular 4-periods-per-year hormones.

 

That's kind of my concern. I don't want to make it seem like I don't trust her. And I feel like it really SHOULDN'T matter, because you know, protecting yourself is only being proactive, but I can't shake the feeling that it would still hurt her. I guess I'm just getting some opinions from a forum to get into her mind a little and prepare for this conversation.

 

But you don't trust her. I'm not saying you're bad for that. But it's obvious. Particularly with combination hormone birth control pills, which are, numbers-wise and with perfect use, MORE protective than condoms (only by about a percent and a half...but still more protective), it's pretty obvious you feel there will be user error somewhere...whether on purpose or not, whether consciously or subconsciously.

 

This is why you really, really, really need to talk to her about this. About all of it. You need to CLEARLY decide together if there will EVER be kids, because she is probably counting on you "warming up to" the idea. And yes. She's aware you don't trust her on this issue. This will eat away at your relationship if you don't address it. So it's good that you're planning on having this conversation...don't put it off. Do have your head clear but this really needs to be talked out. Sooner rather than later.

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If she answered in a disappointed voice, and didn't offer a reason (i.e. "It just feels better without them" or whatever her reason would have been), I have to think she's hoping for a happy little accident.

 

Yes, you two NEED to talk about this. Seriously talk. And leave nothing vague. This could become a huge bone of contention between the two of you and I just am foreseeing "whoops, accident, maybe it was the antibiotics I took" or "oh my GOSH, is it because for a couple of days I forgot in the morning because of blah blah and didn't remember until that night?" thing happening.

 

Just a feeling I get.

 

TALK about this. Outright talk. Don't tap-dance around it.

Thanks for the concern. A small part of me has the same hesitations.

 

My mom keeps making "jokes" about this exact thing. She was even proud of herself for encouraging my cousin's wife (gf at the time) to "surprise" him and with a child to push the marriage thing. Which she did and clearly worked. When my mom was slightly intoxicated, she once hinted that she did the same thing with my dad... Which of course bugs me the **** out.

 

 

Mom made this "joke" to my GF a few times. Then always laughs it off and tells me, "I'm kidding!!" Followed by elaborating how much of an awesome dad I would be because I'm fantastic with children (I am really good, but that's not the only thing that's important, right?). So my GF told me in the car one time driving home that she'd never do what my mom keeps "joking" with her about.

 

She sounded genuine and honest. But you never know, right?

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CaliforniaGirl
Thanks for the concern. A small part of me has the same hesitations.

 

My mom keeps making "jokes" about this exact thing. She was even proud of herself for encouraging my cousin's wife (gf at the time) to "surprise" him and with a child to push the marriage thing. Which she did and clearly worked. When my mom was slightly intoxicated, she once hinted that she did the same thing with my dad... Which of course bugs me the **** out.

 

 

Mom made this "joke" to my GF a few times. Then always laughs it off and tells me, "I'm kidding!!" Followed by elaborating how much of an awesome dad I would be because I'm fantastic with children (I am really good, but that's not the only thing that's important, right?). So my GF told me in the car one time driving home that she'd never do what my mom keeps "joking" with her about.

 

She sounded genuine and honest. But you never know, right?

 

Oh my God. :(

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RecentChange

As someone who never wants kids - keep using the condoms.

 

Birth control is not 100% I know plenty of women who have become pregnant on it. As a female, I know I always have the final say - I would be so freaked about involuntary parenthood if I was a guy.

 

Use condoms, have some talks. Do you think you might want children? Think hard about that one. If she is on the fence leaning towards yes, the likely hood that she will be happy with an absolute no is low.

 

What are the plans if there IS a "whoops"?

 

This is a critical thing to agree upon, kids, no kids, what will be fine if there is an accidental pregnancy.

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What is the BC?

 

If it is an IUD or implant - you're *maybe* good to go without condoms, but pills - she can easily stop taking or 'forget' a few... TBH I'd take a precaution on my end as well if I were you - at very least pull out (read the basics though - pulling out if you recently masturbated is not much of a protection, avoid sex around her ovulation time etc).

 

Having kids vs not having kids is an absolute deal breaker though - if you're not on the same page just forgo the idea of marriage.

 

Hi everyone!

 

Thank you for reading.

 

I'm a 29 year old man dating a 26 year old woman. Our relationship is already over 3 and a half years old. We've been discussing marriage and likely will be pursuing that path in the future. The only major issue I'm seeing right now is were both " on the fence" about offspring. She's leaning towards having them, I am leaning towards the other direction. I know this is something incredibly important to resolve and be on the same page about, so I plan to completely hash this out before making any huge decisions/commitments.

 

My (our?) current issue is that she's about to resume her birth control and I think I want to continue to use condoms.

 

She used to be on BC during our first year together. I didn't use any condoms at the time. She had to go off BC because her menstrual cycle started to act up (periods came every two weeks instead of monthly) and we've been using condoms ever since. We had TWO pregnancy scares that both ended up being just delayed periods during this 2.5 year duration. Admittedly, this left me FREAKED.

 

She recently had a gyno appointment and she requested BC again. She received the prescription and will restart it once her current menses completes. We didn't yet discuss if that will be our only method of BC, but she did KIND-OF asked and we agrees to talk about it this weekend.

 

From her question, I got the impression that she wants me to be "natural," so I think we'll end up having a disagreement here. I absolutely do not want to end up in a situation where I have to ask myself, "what dis I do to prevent/protect myself?" Because that's the only fair question, right? You can only be responsible for yourself.

 

But at the same time, I might hurt her by wanting to stay safe and do this for me. I know ultimately this is what I want and should have the absolute liberty to do so, but how do I positively convey this to my GF? Soes anyone have experience with this? How do you ladies on this forum feel about this? How would you respond?

 

Thank you.

 

TL;DR: GF of 3.5 years is going back on birth control. I want to continue to wrap it up. What to expect from this conversation?

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Ehhh the 'oops' pregnancies are largely 'oops' for the dude only ;) But considering their relationship history - I absolutely agree keeping up with the condoms is best.

 

As someone who never wants kids - keep using the condoms.

 

Birth control is not 100% I know plenty of women who have become pregnant on it. As a female, I know I always have the final say - I would be so freaked about involuntary parenthood if I was a guy.

 

Use condoms, have some talks. Do you think you might want children? Think hard about that one. If she is on the fence leaning towards yes, the likely hood that she will be happy with an absolute no is low.

 

What are the plans if there IS a "whoops"?

 

This is a critical thing to agree upon, kids, no kids, what will be fine if there is an accidental pregnancy.

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introverted1

This thread is pretty shocking to me.

 

How on earth can you even consider marrying a woman you think might plan an "oops" so that she can snare you into unwanted fatherhood?

 

I can't imagine any decent woman behaving this way.

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I applaud your decision. For one thing, bc isn't always 100%. For another, some people aren't organized enough to not forget a pill.

 

Just tell her your rule is you always wear a condom. Disease is a good enough reason, but wanting to be double sure you don't get anyone pregnant is an even better reason. Don't talk about it. Just do it. Avoid the conversation maybe. If she brings it up in the heat of passion as you put it on, tell her "I always use one."

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GunslingerRoland

3 1/2 years is a long time. If she really wants kids and you really don't, why are you guys doing this to each other? You need to sort this out, because she should be out trying to find someone who does want kids.

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If you want to avoid an "Oops" situation then find a woman who has ruled out having kids, because trust me, if your GF is considering having children in future, she will find a way to make it happen. If she doesn't get pregnant and you two are still together in 10 years, she will end up resenting you for denying her the chance to have a baby. Either this or she will find someone who will give her what she wants.

 

Having children is such a fundamental aspect of a relationship, so I am surprised the two of you have been together for this long.

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This thread is pretty shocking to me.

 

How on earth can you even consider marrying a woman you think might plan an "oops" so that she can snare you into unwanted fatherhood?

 

I can't imagine any decent woman behaving this way.

 

That's the double-edged sword I'm talking about. By not using condoms, I am putting 99.9% faith into her for using the BC and 0.01% into it simply not failing. But on the other hand, if I use condoms, then I don't "trust" her? That's the ****ed up thing, right? It is bizarre that it comes to that.

 

I don't want to call it a "trust" issue because that's absolutely not fair. But what else can you call it?

 

And btw, she is an absolute "decent" woman. Way better, in fact. But I still gotta make sure to lookout for #1, yes?

 

 

3 1/2 years is a long time. If she really wants kids and you really don't, why are you guys doing this to each other? You need to sort this out, because she should be out trying to find someone who does want kids.

We're both on the fence. Not committed one way or the other. She's just more into idea than I am.

 

If you want to avoid an "Oops" situation then find a woman who has ruled out having kids, because trust me, if your GF is considering having children in future, she will find a way to make it happen. If she doesn't get pregnant and you two are still together in 10 years, she will end up resenting you for denying her the chance to have a baby. Either this or she will find someone who will give her what she wants.

 

Having children is such a fundamental aspect of a relationship, so I am surprised the two of you have been together for this long.

 

We're together because our relationship doesn't have any issues other than agreeing (or disagreeing) about breeding. Literally everything else has been smooth and almost without conflict. We discuss things like mature individuals and come to compromise on things we may disagree with.

 

Basically, other than this, the relationship is gold.

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CaliforniaGirl
This thread is pretty shocking to me.

 

How on earth can you even consider marrying a woman you think might plan an "oops" so that she can snare you into unwanted fatherhood?

 

I can't imagine any decent woman behaving this way.

 

This is really the problem. It's the OP himself who obviously wonders, even if just deep-down, about this...or he wouldn't feel the need to continue with the BC he himself can control.

 

It just seems obvious and this will definitely only become a bigger issue for so many reasons...the sooner this talk happens, the better, IMO...

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RecentChange

So, you are 29, been with her for over 3 years.

 

Still just on the fence? No strong feelings one way or the other?

 

Are you ready to start planning for a family? Can you envision your future which will include kids with her?

 

The time is now to get off the fence about this. What do really want?

 

This is a make or break thing. Probably the MOST important thing for a couple to decide on.

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So, you are 29, been with her for over 3 years.

 

Still just on the fence? No strong feelings one way or the other?

 

Are you ready to start planning for a family? Can you envision your future which will include kids with her?

 

The time is now to get off the fence about this. What do really want?

 

This is a make or break thing. Probably the MOST important thing for a couple to decide on.

 

I appreciate your response. Thank you.

 

I honestly don't see the "rush" at 29. And she's only 26. It's not crucial. She also told me if she would have them, it wouldn't be until she's 30. Which I know, some women consider that as already "pushing it." But ultimately if that's her plan, that's her plan. I'm not female, so I don't "feel" that urgency for sure.

 

As far as what I want: I never pictured myself with offspring. Disliked the idea since I began babysitting many years ago, come to think of it.

 

I babysat A LOT in my early 20s. My brother and sister in law both worked full-time and I was the primary"nanny" for their kids from baby to preschool. So I had some experience in this. Admittedly, I was very good with them. I'm confident in saying I would be a fantastic parent... But I know how much effort it takes. And I'm not sure I want all that effort. I just don't.

 

Kids thrive when they're desired. I think the best families are those that 100% have that desire in their hearts. You shouldn't hesitate to go in it. I know I can't have that 100% desire for one right now-- so I am on the fence.

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CaliforniaGirl
I appreciate your response. Thank you.

 

I honestly don't see the "rush" at 29. And she's only 26. It's not crucial. She also told me if she would have them, it wouldn't be until she's 30. Which I know, some women consider that as already "pushing it." But ultimately if that's her plan, that's her plan. I'm not female, so I don't "feel" that urgency for sure.

 

As far as what I want: I never pictured myself with offspring. Disliked the idea since I began babysitting many years ago, come to think of it.

 

I babysat A LOT in my early 20s. My brother and sister in law both worked full-time and I was the primary"nanny" for their kids from baby to preschool. So I had some experience in this. Admittedly, I was very good with them. I'm confident in saying I would be a fantastic parent... But I know how much effort it takes. And I'm not sure I want all that effort. I just don't.

 

Kids thrive when they're desired. I think the best families are those that 100% have that desire in their hearts. You shouldn't hesitate to go in it. I know I can't have that 100% desire for one right now-- so I am on the fence.

 

I think as far as feeling "rushed" goes, the thing is, if this will be a relationship-breaker (and wanting/not wanting kids IS huge, no matter how much you love someone...we're talking about a life's plan here), she isn't thinking "but I'm only 26." What would happen is that if you took, say, a year to think this over, came to the conclusion that you never do want them, and you two break up...

 

1. She will need to grieve. I mean she loves you. It's not so simple "just" to break up with someone. It will be heartbreaking. That could take six months. A year. Two years.

 

2. THEN she will have a clear enough head to start dating reasonably, rather than reactionally, because her friends say she should, because she's lonely, etc.

 

3. THEN it might take six months to find a life partner. Or a year. Or five years. It's not like she can just pick from a list of candidates a la The Bachelorette and go "okay, this guy, I'll spend my life with."

 

So if she SUPER RUSHES this process, she might be 30 before she's married again (that really would be a rush...developing a relationship, the engagement period, the marriage). But more realistically, she might be, say, 33. Or 34 or 35...

 

And that's just to get to the point of being married, THEN deciding upon a time to try for pregnancy, THEN the pregnancy...and remember, this is on the super-rush plan for which there are no guarantees anyway, you can't just make love happen. This could all happen much later.

 

For you it's "she's only 26...yet she's rushing..."

 

No. She sees a life plan unfolding, and she sees you may or may not want to be in it and you may or may not string her along for a few more years before letting her know that for sure.

 

You sound like you really, really, really don't want children. Don't be selfish and cruel...TELL HER that. Tell her. Yeah, you'll lose her and it'll hurt. That's hard, but what's harder is if you lie to her now, you will have effed up her life royally, maybe permanently. Her idea of having children could be destroyed.

 

I don't mean to sound gloom-and-doom. I actually do know people who had whirlwind romances, married fast, had children fast, all in their late 30s to early 40s. It can happen but there's no counting on it and if you're keeping her around with vague fudging about maybe you want kids, maybe not IF you actually don't...at all, then that's just cruel, and kind of reprehensible.

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