Canceled Dates/ Has to check with his mom??

[AdentureWithMe]

I'm in my late 20s and met this guy (also late 20s) off OkCupid. Usually after I exchange some messages with a guy and he doesn't reply for a few days (3 or 4) I'll just delete the stream bc I assume they flaked/lost interest/whatever. I also like to keep my inbox to a manageable level so I don't loose track of guys that are readily responding. I was talking to this guy R. he didn't respond for a few days so I deleted the messages.

 

R messages me apologizing, giving me his full name and number so we can set up a date (at this point I forgot R even existed/what our previous messages were) but I agreed to exchange numbers. This is were things get flakey.

 

He asked to meet up so I suggested Thursday after work. He said he couldn't bc he promised he'd take his mom out to dinner.

 

He suggested lunch THursday instead. Thursday AM he texts and said he had a conference call and canceled but asked me for Friday lunch. I said i understood/ agreed to Friday.

 

Friday comes- an hour before lunch he texts me he has to cancel AGAIN. Said his boss announced he was leaving which caused an "uproar in the office" and he had to stick around. Said he felt bad about canceling x2 in a row and he'd "make it up to me". I told him I was away on business next week. He set up for next Thursday to meet for drinks after work.

 

That thursday I actually texted him canceling. My flight got in at midnight and I felt sick. I apologized but didn't offer a new date. He said "no worries! hope you feel better".

 

I then texted a few days later (when I was feeling better) that I was free early next week if he was still interested in meeting. He texts me ( 2 days later) apologizing for the no reply and that his phone broke/just received his insurance replacement in the mail couldn't see me this week and asked for the weekend.

 

I said no problem, how about Saturday evening?

 

he said He may have to go to a family dinner and he will "check with my mom to figure out what the deal is. "

 

I told him ok lemme know! He replied "will let you know once i've had the chance to call my mom after work".

 

I've never had THIS much trouble setting up a first meet... is it weird that he basically has to ask his mom permission to go on an okcupid date?

 

Should I say anything like... guess you're mom said no (If i don't hear from him) or just let him drift off?

[Kitchen]

My God, that sounds stressful. I feel the first several dates have to go smoothly for it to work. If it's so stressful trying to meet up, what's the point?

 

As far as his mom, it may not be that he's asking for permission as much as he already agreed to that plan and he wants to see if it's actually going through, etc?

 

Anyway if I were you I wouldn't message him again. If he's truly interested, he'd recognize his flakiness and give you ample choices/days to meet him.

 

Keep trying to meet others, keep this one as a backup/back burner.

[act00]

To be fair, it doesn't sound like he's asking his mom for permission, but that his mom is the "social coordinator" for this man/his siblings/other family and "in the know" of the details and the go-to on what the plans are for this upcoming family event

 

Agreed, if his mom dominates every plan as a priority, this is problematic. This interaction, calling his mom for "deets," does not seem out of line to me or problematic. What if he had to call his sister and brother for details? Would you be this squicked out?

 

I'm not seeing mommy issues here, just that mom knows the details that he doesn't for whatever reason and other family get-togethers that revolve around this family event - like all the siblings are in town, and mom is gathering up her chicks for brunch, and there are a lot of people to organize.

 

Don't put too much stock into this just yet. You'll know soon enough if mom interferes and meddles, or Mr. Wonderful caters to mom over all else.

 

This situation on it's own seems normal to me and not worthy of alarm.

 

Are there other mom issues where he cancels and prioritizes around her that you need to share?

Edited March 15, 2017 by act00

[KBob]

I agree with act00, the mom thing isn't an issue. His continually cancelling/not returning messages until a couple days later is an issue, and a red flag. Go on the date with him but know this will most likely be a pattern.

[act00]

I'm kind of a glutton for punishment, but I'm willing to expect that life takes on unexpected turns, and in the case of this guy, he genuinely got met with situations that precluded the "first date," as did the OP. For me, I think after this family event finishes, if there is so much chaos in his life that these two cannot connect, even if they meet once and chaos and cancelling pursues again, it's time to sever these ties. He's clearly too busy to pursue anything meaningful. I still don't think mom is the major issue right now.

[angel.eyes]

OMG, he sounds so married!!! Mom = wife most likely. Thus, the difficulty meeting in the evenings, rearranging evening dates to lunch twice, the repeat late cancellations, and the continued lack of an actual date.

 

Anyway, whatever the underlying reason, married or not, he's a complete waste of your time and effort. Find someone who can actually meet and is dependable. This guy can do neither!

[preraph]

Yeah. No. Something is up. Even if it's all about his mom, well, that's not good either. Better than him being married, but only marginally.

[KBob]

Everyone seems to be focused on the one word: mom. If he said "I'll check with my family and get back to you", would it make a difference? Who the family member is is moot, he's simply confirming details with someone.

[GoldSparkz]

After he cancelled the second time, I would have walked away and pursued other guys. I get that life happens and people need to reschedule, but I refuse to be treated like an option. This guy is all over the place. If setting up the first date is this exhausting, do you really think future dates are going to be any better?

[CptInsano]

I've been using cell phones for a long, a very long time. I have yet to break a cell phone. If one broke, I would put the sim card into my old one, and text you, even if I had to put the old phone on a charger.

 

But in these dating threads I read about broken cell phones all the time. In conclusion, dating must be really dangerous to cell phones.

[smackie9]

I work in an industry that gives me access to people's personal content. Plenty of people holding onto old phones.....

[StormyEyes]

OMG, he sounds so married!!! Mom = wife most likely. Thus, the difficulty meeting in the evenings, rearranging evening dates to lunch twice, the repeat late cancellations, and the continued lack of an actual date.

 

Anyway, whatever the underlying reason, married or not, he's a complete waste of your time and effort. Find someone who can actually meet and is dependable. This guy can do neither!

 

That was the first thought that popped in to my head too. MARRIED!!! It should not be this hard, this early. Something is up. If you do end up meeting, watch for other signs.

 

This is my list of shady things to watch for...

 

• You always get voicemail when you call him. He returns the call at a much later time.
  
• He has womens products in his bathroom, shampoo, conditioner, etc.
  
• Repeats stories he has told you before, clearly thinking it’s the first time.
  
• Tries to get you to invite him over to your place for first meeting.
  
• Dates are very casual and inexpensive, mostly in bars.
  
• Dates are often last minute.
  
• He's always busy with "family" activities.
  
• Always pays in cash when you go out.
  
• Hesitant to reveal personal details.
  
• Has an unusually close relationship with his ex. Stops by to fix things, etc.
  
• Dates are mostly in specific areas of town, clearly avoiding some areas.
  
• You don't know where he works.
  
• He doesn't make his intentions clear.
  
• He has lots of female friends.
  
• He says all the right things, but doesn't follow it up with actions.
  
• Avoids meeting your friends.
  
• Uses excuses repeatedly. My phone died, my kid is sick, etc.
  
• Has a "roommate" or child living with him, so he can't have guests over.
  
• Does not introduce you to his friends after 4-5 dates.
  
• Cancels plans often or leaves early due to family emergencies.
  
• His job requires him to travel very often.
  
• Receives calls on his phone that he won't take in front of you.
  
• He has 2 cell phones.
  
• He falls off the grid for days at a time.
  
• You don't spend holidays or special events together.
  
• Affectionate in private but standoffish in public.
  
• He refuses to be in photos with you.
  
• Won't see you more than 1-2 times per week.
  
• Dates are mostly during the week, rarely, if ever, on weekends.
  
• Only wants to meet up if there is the opportunity for sex.
  
• Texts from a number that shows as a landline? Numbers like those are used by free texting apps such as TextFree.
  
• Keeps phone screen hidden when checking messages.
  
• Does not talk about the future or make plans more than a short time in advance.
  
• He claims he is separated or finalizing his divorce.
  
• You've never been invited to his home and/or you don't know where he lives.
  
• He never spends the night.
  
• He says he has no social media presence, or it is very carefully cultivated.
  
• Tan line or indentation on the ring finger.
  
• Calls or texts at specific times, usually during work hours, immediately before or after work, from the car, while he's running errands, walking the dog, or at the gym. Disappears in the evenings/nights/weekends. Calls rarely last more than 20 minutes, especially after 8 pm.
  

[kendahke]

I'm in my late 20s and met this guy (also late 20s) off OkCupid. Usually after I exchange some messages with a guy and he doesn't reply for a few days (3 or 4) I'll just delete the stream bc I assume they flaked/lost interest/whatever. I also like to keep my inbox to a manageable level so I don't loose track of guys that are readily responding. I was talking to this guy R. he didn't respond for a few days so I deleted the messages.

 

R messages me apologizing, giving me his full name and number so we can set up a date (at this point I forgot R even existed/what our previous messages were) but I agreed to exchange numbers. This is were things get flakey.

 

He asked to meet up so I suggested Thursday after work. He said he couldn't bc he promised he'd take his mom out to dinner.

 

He suggested lunch THursday instead. Thursday AM he texts and said he had a conference call and canceled but asked me for Friday lunch. I said i understood/ agreed to Friday.

 

Friday comes- an hour before lunch he texts me he has to cancel AGAIN. Said his boss announced he was leaving which caused an "uproar in the office" and he had to stick around. Said he felt bad about canceling x2 in a row and he'd "make it up to me". I told him I was away on business next week. He set up for next Thursday to meet for drinks after work.

 

That thursday I actually texted him canceling. My flight got in at midnight and I felt sick. I apologized but didn't offer a new date. He said "no worries! hope you feel better".

 

I then texted a few days later (when I was feeling better) that I was free early next week if he was still interested in meeting. He texts me ( 2 days later) apologizing for the no reply and that his phone broke/just received his insurance replacement in the mail couldn't see me this week and asked for the weekend.

 

I said no problem, how about Saturday evening?

 

he said He may have to go to a family dinner and he will "check with my mom to figure out what the deal is. "

 

I told him ok lemme know! He replied "will let you know once i've had the chance to call my mom after work".

 

I've never had THIS much trouble setting up a first meet... is it weird that he basically has to ask his mom permission to go on an okcupid date?

 

Should I say anything like... guess you're mom said no (If i don't hear from him) or just let him drift off?

 

That would be beyond messed up for you to say that to him.

 

Clearly, he is close to his family and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. He doesn't even know you well enough to chuck plans that were already made for a stranger.

 

It certainly doesn't sound like he's checking with his mom for permission to go out with you. He sounds like he made tentative plans with his family for dinner and he's checking to see if it's still on. He's got a messed up schedule and perhaps thought he'd told her he'd be by, but forgot---certainly doesn't sound like he's attached to her apron strings.

 

Fact of the matter is: you both have been cancelling plans because you both have too much going on in your lives to accommodate each other's schedules at this time. Perhaps you just need to let this one go until your life settles down more and you have time to date.

[kendahke]

I've been using cell phones for a long, a very long time. I have yet to break a cell phone. If one broke, I would put the sim card into my old one, and text you, even if I had to put the old phone on a charger.

 

I broke my phone by accidentally dropping on its face from a height of 4 feet. Shattered the screen and it died a pitiful death. The SIM card in it will not fit in any of my old phones, so I ended up getting a brand new phone.

 

Even if it could fit into the old phone, the second I take it off the charger, it loses 35% power--and will be dead within 10 minutes. The only thing it's good for is to listen to some relaxation mp3's while hooked up to a power source. If I could have had that issue fixed, I'd have kept it, as I prefer Samsungs to iPhones.

[CptInsano]

I broke my phone by accidentally dropping on its face from a height of 4 feet. Shattered the screen and it died a pitiful death. The SIM card in it will not fit in any of my old phones, so I ended up getting a brand new phone.

 

Even if it could fit into the old phone, the second I take it off the charger, it loses 35% power--and will be dead within 10 minutes. The only thing it's good for is to listen to some relaxation mp3's while hooked up to a power source. If I could have had that issue fixed, I'd have kept it, as I prefer Samsungs to iPhones.

 

The question is rather, would you have let this get in the way of communicating with somebody for days? I'm sure some people do break their phones, but if it is important to them they find a way around it, even if it is a cheap phone from Wal-Mart. It's something that can be easily solved.

 

Therefore "breaking my phone" sounds to me like a dog eating someone's homework. It's similar to cancellations due to deaths in the family. I'm sure people are dying, but certain uncles and ants seem to pass away at astonishing rates.

[kendahke]

The question is rather, would you have let this get in the way of communicating with somebody for days? I'm sure some people do break their phones, but if it is important to them they find a way around it, even if it is a cheap phone from Wal-Mart. It's something that can be easily solved.

 

Therefore "breaking my phone" sounds to me like a dog eating someone's homework. It's similar to cancellations due to deaths in the family. I'm sure people are dying, but certain uncles and ants seem to pass away at astonishing rates.

 

You make a good point on this one--if the phone was busted, did he have OP's email address to contact her? Did he know where she lived so he could drop by and explain, and if he did, would that be creepy of him at this early stage in their involvement?

 

I can understand why he wouldn't go to hell-mart for a cheap phone. I mean, why? Insurance is going to be sending him one and he doesn't have to come off of any money for it when he doesn't need to.

 

All of this speculation is really besides the point because there hasn't been any real investment by either of them in this... which is why he's taking days to return messages. OP sounds like she needs more attention in the earliest phases of relationships and this guy isn't that guy--he's got too much going on to operate on her timetable, so she needs to just let this one go.