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Dealing with anothers baggage


CAsurfer14

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Hey everyone new to this forum

 

Im a 28 year old guy thats been dating a 35 year old woman for about 8 months. We get along very well, and have travelled together and have a variety of similar interests. We also have compatible personalities and hang out frequently for entire weekends etc.

 

Recently she mentioned that she might be interested in getting married and having another kid or 2. The problem here is she has 2 kids part time from a previous marriage. She does own a condo though its fairly small and lives with her mom (who is very nice and was a professional chef so not too bad). I just feel doing such is somewhat irresponsible and going to lead to overcrowded living conditions though she grew up poor and probably feels a little differently. We live in silicon valley so even combining salaries getting more than 1 additonal bedroom is hard.

 

I really do seem to love this woman but its weird as I come with almost no "baggage," no kids, fairly high paying job and good education, minimal debt, good finances and she seems to have some financial issues and children and family members with addiction problems etc. Any advice on making a complex situation like this work would be awesome.

 

I am a tad worried I could be used as a sperm donor/alimony/child support victim but I may just be cynical do to a nasty parental divorce.

Edited by CAsurfer14
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PegNosePete

It's not nice to call kids "baggage". They are human beings.

 

Your concerns seem valid to me. Did you discuss them with her? That would seem the obvious thing to do, to me. You say she might be interested in more kids, did she put a timescale on that, or mention when she would change "might" into "do"?

 

It would be sensible to say "I also want kids but not until we have more living space and ability to support them financially".

 

But you don't really mention whether or not YOU want kids...? Are these living conditions / financial / "baggage" issues really the true issue here, or do you simply not want kids at your stage in life?

 

You are younger than her, and her clock is ticking. If she really wants more kids then she needs to have them reasonably soon... and if you don't want them until you're older, then you need to let her know that.

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todreaminblue

if you are worried at all about being a sperm donor or child support victim...she isnt the woman for you....thats a horrible thing to assume.....about any woman who wants to have a baby would want a baby for that reason...deb

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Did it never cross your mind that a woman with two kids was not going to "hang about with you at week ends" for ever and ever?

 

She as a parent and at 35, is obviously going to be looking for a husband (or the equivalent), you seem to revel in you singleness and a lack of "baggage".

I doubt this is going to work out well.

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Let me clarify. I hang out with this woman probably 4 days a week on average. I've met her kids, we've travelled domestically and internationally one on one and I do think I love her. Her family likes me.

 

By "baggage" regarding kids I mean from a financial standpoint. I thinking of it as more like "you already have 2 kids to feed and live somewhere expensive do you really want more"? She acts very affectionate but lets not kid ourselves she may just be looking for another father for more kids without thinking things through enough. The sound of the biological clock can certainly cloud judgement. I want to be with her but want to know if theres any good ideas for this like a prenuptial agreement. From a marriage standpoint shed definitely benefit from me living with her (and possibly divorcing me) so that has to be taken into consideration. She has been divorced before and filed herself.

 

I would like a kid but I need to feel the partner also wants it and will take care of him/her.

Edited by CAsurfer14
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Dating someone 8 months is not long enough to decide if you want children with her. If you put your feelings aside do you judge her to be a good parent? Why is she living with her mother? Does her mother need special care? Why does she pick to live in the most expensive area? If I were a man in your position I would not find this the most attractive situation.

 

A woman that already has 2 kids she only gets to raise part time shouldn't be looking to make 2 more. Those aren't cats.

 

Like you, I'd be afraid she sees me as her ticket out of this small crowded condo.

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I get you found someone amazing to spend time with....but when are faced with the reality of "responsibilities" such as marriage, sharing finances, taking acre of children, etc....you are getting cold feet. I understand the importance of being financially secure now and for the future and you are worried she will be tapping into that real hard with you having no benefit from it.

 

This is your crossroads....to asses where YOU would like to be in 5 years, and is it worth the risk to have a future with her. Please take your time to thinking things over clearly.....and wear a condom.

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I think for men like you who are very sensitive to being "used" financially by women, then you need to stay away from poor or "lesser" women and especially women with kids.

YOU need to find a woman who is equal or greater in status so that you do not feel she is only with you for your money.

Prenuptial arrangements to protect your assets can cause bitterness and resentment and starting off a marriage on that foot is never the best idea. Many women do not want to be made to feel like they are a gold digger, or a parasite or a failure, when a man suddenly brings out the lawyers to "protect" himself from her obviously devious intentions...

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I agree with Smackie9. You are at a crossroads in this relationship. Finances play a huge part in a marriage and can cause a marriage to crumble. It is good that you recognize this fact and, if you want a future with her, you need to have a discussion about it. I earned more money than my ex, which wasn't the problem. The problem came when my ex started spending a lot of money and I was tired of working six days a week. When I stated that he needed to stop spending the money and I was tired of working so much, his response was that because of the work I do, then we should be able to spend that amount of money. There's no recovering from a comment like that in a relationship. Best to deal with the issue now.

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@CAsurfer14 ~ I don't think you are being cynical at all, just aware of the possible consequences that can come out of getting married. Wedding rings do come off so it's smart to think about all this beforehand and protect yourself just in case things don't work out.

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While this may not be a popular thing to say you are already processing in your mind the pitfalls of this situation.

 

The other thing for me is you described this as “hang out frequently” I don’t know if you are just being casual with language of what but when I started dating my first wife she had two kids already and was almost 10 years older and I would not categorize our time together as “hanging out” Just an observation not a judgement…

 

“Recently she mentioned that she might be interested in getting married and having another kid or 2.”

 

Dating someone 8 months is not long enough to decide if you want children with her.

 

Let me just throw out some stuff.

 

If you do have kids with her, how will her current kids feel about that in years to come? Although my son was only 6 months of age at the time we met, when he turned 13 I started to get the “you are not my REAL daddy, teen phase crap” how will you deal with that? I dealt with it, but it did piss me off at the time.

 

The other thing, something I read awhile back about how we change so much every 10 years or so. Where do you see yourself in 10 years, factoring in your career, career advancement, financial goals, where you will live… While I got past some stuff, and I am generally cool with where I am, I would choose a different path, especially where you are age wise.

 

I just feel doing such is somewhat irresponsible and going to lead to overcrowded living conditions though she grew up poor and probably feels a little differently. We live in silicon valley so even combining salaries getting more than 1 additonal bedroom is hard.

 

I grew up there and have family there, having a six figure salary there people still serious struggle financially. Will you raise a family there?

 

Finally you said this:

 

I really do seem to love this woman

 

You never marry someone you “seem” to love, for your sake AND hers, AND those kids.

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You both are not in same stages of life and wont be, for a while. Its better to bail out now than before it gets messy.

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I would advise you to always use a condom. And then I would find out if she really wants more kids or just assumes you do, which is often the case. And if you don't want the same thing, she's not the right woman for you.

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I think for men like you who are very sensitive to being "used" financially by women, then you need to stay away from poor or "lesser" women and especially women with kids.

YOU need to find a woman who is equal or greater in status so that you do not feel she is only with you for your money.

Prenuptial arrangements to protect your assets can cause bitterness and resentment and starting off a marriage on that foot is never the best idea. Many women do not want to be made to feel like they are a gold digger, or a parasite or a failure, when a man suddenly brings out the lawyers to "protect" himself from her obviously devious intentions...

 

I agree with everything elaine said above.

 

I've got two kids. I live in the Bay Area. I make okay money. My boyfriend makes almost three times what I make. If he thought for one second that I am using him for his finances I would rather he pack up and go. I was fine before him, and I'll be fine after him. I wouldn't want someone who is unsure about the relationship.

 

There is nothing wrong with you wanting a relationship that doesn't come with "baggage." However, your girlfriend does have kids. She's a package deal. You either accept her - kids, her mom, and all - or you don't. You're only eight months in. I'd stick it out for a few more months and see how you really feel about her. If after that time you're still in doubt, I think it's best to part.

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