Difference between dating for rship and fwb

[Cookiesandough]

Besides the romantic feelings part? What do you do vs not do?

I want to find and maintain a FWB for the first time (maybe a few?) but I don't don't understand this kind of 'dating' at all. I don't understand the boundaries that are set vs dating towards relationship, if there even are any ? I've only done the latter.

 

I am talking to a few guys and I told them all I want something casual. I can't bring myself to say the words "fwb".

 

The one guy I am talking about...I told him off the bat " I want to be straight forward with you, I just got over something with my ex. Im not looking for anything serious. I just wanna find someone to chill with. Just casual."

 

He said "Yeah, I recently got out of one & am focusing on myself for once. So casual is perfect."

 

So I thought this is good set up..

We hang out a couple times (and he seems like an awesome guy and he's very attractive..but I feel like I keep having to set a boundary (maybe it's just im not used to it? )For instance, fwb don't have to keep in regular contact, right?

 

After I told him I couldn't hang out yesterday, but I'd let him know

He said;

"Don't mean to be a bother and blow your **** up. Did I do something?"

 

"I'd really like to keep hanging out.

 

"..it is totally ****ed up to disregard such a potentially awesome connection with someone"

 

 

I mean, to me, "casual" means no expectations at all. I shouldn't have to talk to you if I don't wanna and you shouldn't have to talk to me. If were both free for lunch and want company we do it. If we're both feeling frisky at 10pm we link up...

 

I don't think you should have to make small talk or update them about things?

But also I don't wanna make men cold when we are together. . I really like the affection. It's only human to like to give and receive cuddles and random forehead kisses. And it should be okay to go out together on dates and also like holding hands in public?

 

Do you think of you told them from the beginning you want keep it CASUAL that means you really do anything short of telling them you changed your mind your mind about that, and they should expect it to be temporary and I can dash at any time and most likely will very shortly.

[Gaeta]

What you want is a boy-toy.

 

In fwb there is the word 'friend' and it seems you are not even interested in the f in fwb so just be clear. What you want is a guy you can hook up with a couple of times a week and nothing more. Men will understand this if you explain it well.

[KBob]

Casual relationship still contains aspects of a relationship. You still hang out as a couple, there's just no serious qualities like meeting family or establishing feelings.

 

What you want is a hookup, someone you can call up to bang whenever you want. That's not what this guy wants, and it's not dating, it's f*****g.

[Cookiesandough]

What you want is a boy-toy.

 

In fwb there is the word 'friend' and it seems you are not even interested in the f in fwb so just be clear. What you want is a guy you can hook up with a couple of times a week and nothing more. Men will understand this if you explain it well.

 

I see. Thank you. I don't mind when we went out, though? I don't want it to be purely sleeping together. .It can be, but it shouldn't have to be. I mean I liked going out to eat and show with him. And we talked about a night hike which I'd like. I don't even talk to s lot of my friends daily. I feel so awkward explaining everything (even to the extent I have) and presuming they'll even want that. I'm wondering if it's okay to show the boundaries as you go with actions but I've heard of too many failed FWB on here when things were assumed. Also, I'm wondering if I can salvage it with this guy by saying "Sorry I can't talk a lot, but I'd totally like to hang out in the future. I'll let you know" But I'm afraid he'll take it the wrong way.

 

 

Any people who have kept 'relationships' like this and it ended well?

[Gaeta]

I see. Thank you. I don't mind when we went out, though? I don't want it to be purely sleeping together. .It can be, but it shouldn't have to be. I mean I liked going out to eat and show with him. And we talked about a night hike which I'd like. I don't even talk to s lot of my friends daily. I feel so awkward explaining everything (even to the extent I have) and presuming they'll even want that. I'm wondering if it's okay to show the boundaries as you go with actions but I've heard of too many failed FWB on here when things were assumed. Also, I'm wondering if I can salvage it with this guy by saying "Sorry I can't talk a lot, but I'd totally like to hang out in the future. I'll let you know" But I'm afraid he'll take it the wrong way.

 

 

Any people who have kept 'relationships' like this and it ended well?

 

 

So you want sex and the occasion outing but you don't want the chit chat in between those BUT when you meet you want to feel a certain connection and excitement. Seems to me you want the best of both worlds without the effort of building it and maintaining it.

 

Explain that to the guy, clearly. No messages in between the lines. Tell him you want to meet him once a week but you don't want to keep in touch in between. He can accept or decline.

[Gaeta]

Any people who have kept 'relationships' like this and it ended well?

 

Not sure I understand your question.

 

What you want is not a 'relationship'.

 

What would you call 'ending well'? hook-ups and fwb aren't meant to last so yes at some point then end.

[CptInsano]

I see. Thank you. I don't mind when we went out, though? I don't want it to be purely sleeping together. .It can be, but it shouldn't have to be. I mean I liked going out to eat and show with him. And we talked about a night hike which I'd like. I don't even talk to s lot of my friends daily. I feel so awkward explaining everything (even to the extent I have) and presuming they'll even want that. I'm wondering if it's okay to show the boundaries as you go with actions but I've heard of too many failed FWB on here when things were assumed. Also, I'm wondering if I can salvage it with this guy by saying "Sorry I can't talk a lot, but I'd totally like to hang out in the future. I'll let you know" But I'm afraid he'll take it the wrong way.

 

And that's exactly what makes FMBs so complicated. Either end of the spectrum, a platonic friendship or a love affair are fairly well defined. You're somewhere in-between, where there are different shades of closeness and commitment. It takes a lot of communication and a balance act to keep expectations aligned.

[central]

The FWB arrangements I've had all became friends, even if they started out more as dating scenarios that didn't pass the romance test. So, even with FWB that ended, we're still friends. And we'd go out, or hang out as friends, sometimes with each other's friends, just like any other friend - just that sometimes we'd get together primarily for sex without any expectation of a romantic relationship.

 

 

If no real friendship is involved, then it's a sex buddy arrangement only.

[VeveCakes]

Fwb is NOT a relationship.

 

OP - why can you not take a break from dating? You were just last week acting ridiculous over your ex and then had an issue with someone online.

 

You need time ALONE more than anything.

 

Guys who think you want a FWB will be persistent when THEY want sex. When you want it and they are busy, good luck.

 

Regardless of what you do, FWB is not a relationship whatsoever. It's merely a person you sleep with when you want to.

 

Casual dating is dating with no expectations, or taking it slow. Sex is dependant on what happens with the two parties and is not a baseline for casual.

[Gaeta]

Fwb is NOT a relationship.

 

OP - why can you not take a break from dating? You were just last week acting ridiculous over your ex and then had an issue with someone online.

 

You need time ALONE more than anything.

 

Guys who think you want a FWB will be persistent when THEY want sex. When you want it and they are busy, good luck.

 

Regardless of what you do, FWB is not a relationship whatsoever. It's merely a person you sleep with when you want to.

 

Casual dating is dating with no expectations, or taking it slow. Sex is dependant on what happens with the two parties and is not a baseline for casual.

 

Just want to clarify:

 

FWB is a friend with benefits which means you have rapport together outside of having sex. So yes there is a type of non-romantic relationship with a fwb.

 

A fk buddy is someone you meet for sex only with no interaction outside of having sex.

[Cookiesandough]

Cptinsano Well put. It seems to create a lot of problems because people don't communicate their feelings are aren't even aware of them exactly themselves when they get into this situations. [/b]

 

Central, I think that sounds really ideal of what I'd like now. A friend that I enjoy being around and can be physically intimate with. Do you guys keep in contact daily? One thing is I'm not sure I could stay friends after that.,Especially as soon as I got into a rship, they'd all have to go. Maybe it takes a certain type of person to do as you have done, but I'm really glad to hear of FWBs ending well for a change

 

Veve, thanks. That makes sense. Im just lonely right now and feeling rejected because my ex finally got fed up with me. it makes me feel better spending time with men with no attachment because it's not possible for me (since my heart is still with my ex.) It feels really empowering. I'm always so worried about men liking me or having them hooked, because I want to keep seeing them again and get closer with them and never had 'casual' sex.. Now I don't even want it and I'm having a lot of fun with the freedom. I never realized how fun it can be, although it's only been a week or so. I have a ton of dates lined up and I'm excited about meeting all these new, attractive guys. .

 

 

What you say here

"Guys who think you want a FWB will be persistent when THEY want sex. When you want it and they are busy, good luck." And what Gaeta said I think is my main problem. I wanna have my cake and eat it too...No responsibilities or obligations but keep them around. Doesn't work that way. When I want them, they won't be around but that could be a nonissue if I'm 'seeing' enough guys

Edited March 13, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[lionlover1973]

Any people who have kept 'relationships' like this and it ended well?

 

Never had a 'FWB', at least not that I was aware of.

 

If you find yourself not wanting a relationship but want sex,

 

I am more of a believer in straight up sex.

Sexlieber.

I.E. No sleep overs, no in-between calls/texts just to say hi, no dates - just sex.

 

I seems that the 'FWB' variety, are too tricky.

 

When you introduce certain behaviors (such as going out on 'dates', being 'affectionate' outside of sex, etc.) - it can very much blur the lines.

 

So, be careful.

[Cookiesandough]

Never had a 'FWB', at least not that I was aware of.

 

If you find yourself not wanting a relationship but want sex,

 

I am more of a believer in straight up sex.

Sexlieber.

I.E. No sleep overs, no in-between calls/texts just to say hi, no dates - just sex.

 

I seems that the 'FWB' variety, are too tricky.

 

When you introduce certain behaviors (such as going out on 'dates', being 'affectionate' outside of sex, etc.) - it can very much blur the lines.

 

So, be careful.

 

You're right, lion. Sucks, cuz I really miss intimacy and companionship too...

[Gaeta]

Im just lonely right now and feeling rejected because my ex finally got fed up with me. it makes me feel better spending time with men with no attachment because it's not possible for me (since my heart is still with my ex.) It feels really empowering. I'm always so worried about men liking me or having them hooked, because I want to keep seeing them again and get closer with them and never had 'casual' sex.. Now I don't even want it and I'm having a lot of fun with the freedom. I never realized how fun it can be, although it's only been a week or so. I have a ton of dates lined up and I'm excited about meeting all these new, attractive guys. .

 

You know the best way of not being rejected? Is to not have anyone around that could reject you.

 

What is this having tons of dates lined up after ONE WEEK from your break up??

 

You know what is empowering? is to NOT need someone and to be alone for a while. It's normal to miss intimacy after a break up but it's not a reason to be showing up on a dating site after 1 week breaking up. That's called emotional dependency. Just tough it up and in 3 weeks you won't miss it so much.

 

Being single and allowing your heart to heal is powering...NOT going online and using men to fill the void. I am sure you can go a couple of months without sex.

[Cookiesandough]

It's a long story, but it's technically been over a year since i broke it off with my ex and over a year since sex... I just kept going going back and forth until he got fed up/moved on recently...

 

Is it really so harmful to go out on dates with no expectations??

[lionlover1973]

Sucks, cuz I really miss intimacy and companionship too...

 

Of course. That is natural.

 

Hang in there.

Take good care of yourself in the process.

[jay1983]

Well, if you're sure you wont get hurt, go ahead. The thing about it is usually the girl really likes the guy, but he's not crazy enough about to wanna be with her. It's like the guy version of the friend zone. It's a little complicated, often when people sleep with someone emotions and feeling develop. If you think you're okay with it, but don't do it with the intent of locking dude down.

[basil67]

It's a long story, but it's technically been over a year since i broke it off with my ex and over a year since sex... I just kept going going back and forth until he got fed up/moved on recently...

 

Is it really so harmful to go out on dates with no expectations??

 

You do have expectations though. This thread was asking about the 'rules' of FWB and I would imagine you'd have expectations of a FWB arrangement sticking to the rules. They may not be relationships expectations, but they are certainly behavioural expectations.

 

But FWB rarely stick to the rules. Someone will get emotionally involved. Or someone will ghost. Or someone will suddenly find the love of their life and leave the other out in the cold. Or both of you may fall in love and then implode. Or one of you is sleeping around and the other doesn't want that.

 

FWB is a bad idea for all but the most resilient of us. They could probably work well for those who don't think much or care much. But this is not you.

 

Stop using others to fill the emptiness in yourself and go get that therapy we keep persuading you to undertake.

[Gaeta]

Is it really so harmful to go out on dates with no expectations??

 

As long as the person you go on dates with knows exactly where you're standing.

 

When I was online I wasted A LOT of time going on dates with men not ready to date and were online just to fill the void WHILE they knew I was looking for a relationship.

[CloudyHead]

In my opinion, a FWB relationship can be difficult. I had one but we kept the lines of communication completely open. We were friends, did things together, met each other families, etc. And, we had sex. He did get emotionally involved at one point and took a break so he could think things through. We worked through that point. He moved away so that is why it ended. We still keep in touch and talk and have even visited with each other.

 

Another guy I had a strictly sexual relationship with. The only time we communicated was when we wanted to have sex and we made arrangements to meet. We were friends on social media. But, that's it. We didn't communicate every day or even every week. So, we just met to satisfy our sexual needs. Once I decided to start seeing someone exclusive, I told him about my new relationship and that I could not meet him anymore.

 

I think you have to be completely open and honest for these type of relationships to work. Otherwise, as stated by other posters, an emotional bond will occur.

[Gaeta]

If you want to beat the loneliness and fulfill your physical need it does not have to be with the same person. If you do not want to invest emotions into someone than don't spend too much time with the same person.

 

Get a toy-boy for your physical need and get 'friends' to go hiking with.

[d0nnivain]

Any people who have kept 'relationships' like this and it ended well?

 

 

Define "ended well".

 

 

I had a FWB interaction with a guy. We saw each other, had mind-blowing sex, sometimes talked, sometimes ate meals together but initially there were no feelings. We ended up becoming roommates with the agreement that it would be platonic only. That worked for a about 1.5 years; we both dated other people & didn't even so much as hug. Then we both were single & fell right back into our pattern; we ended up living together as BF/GF for 10 years. That didn't end well at all; I wanted to get married. He doesn't believe in marriage.

 

 

I had another FWB. We'd been friends for about 20 years before we got physical. I never should have let it start because I knew he had feelings for me. I ended up really hurting him when I didn't return those feelings.

 

Sucks, cuz I really miss intimacy and companionship too...

 

 

If you want intimacy & companionship, a FWB / NSA sexual relationship is not the way to achieve either. Both are the antithesis of intimacy & companionship.

 

 

You need to be clearer about what you want / need.

 

Is it really so harmful to go out on dates with no expectations??

 

 

No but as others have pointed out, you have expectations. You want intimacy & companionship.

 

 

Until you make up your mind about what you want you aren't going to find it. It's hard to pal around with somebody plus sleep with them & not develop feelings.

 

 

Sadly what you are really looking for a rebound relationship. You are not going to get over your EX until you get under somebody else. You have a void in your life left by your EX's departure. You want that hole filed & You don't care who or how it gets filled. You just want your pain to stop.

 

 

I'm not judging or criticizing. I'm just pointing out a fact as I see it.

[BryanSmiley]

I must say there's something slightly off with the description/tone of the proposal.

 

The lines seem to be blurry from your part, so it's understandable they are on they're part.

 

The word casual alone may mean slightly different things to different people. It might mean to some, taking it slow and at least open to something developing.

 

I was seeing someone the past 4-5 months whom expressed apprehension in entering a serious relationship but was open to it, said we were behaving more and more like a couple over time and wanted to continue to explore that. A couple of weeks ago she was talking of weekends together, doing day trips months down the line.

 

She broke it off a week later saying “I did say I didn’t think I could commit to a relationship”. For me this was seriously misleading on her part. Slight variation of words but massively different meanings, and definitely actions on her part to the contrary too. Be careful!

[Purepony]

Take some time alone because it sometimes me like you aren't ready to handle this

[travelbug1996]

learn to enjoy the company of yourself. learn to be okay with the inevitable feelings of loneliness. they pass. don't settle for sex when deep down you want love.