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25 months into relationship with girlfriend (kids involved)


Jazzdad

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I was just left by my wife of 16 years, with 2 children, then 4 and 6. Months later i met my girlfriend, who had a two year old daughter. We instantly fell deeply in love, and moved in together immediately. (Yup. We did everything wrong.)

 

We attempted to force together a blended family, while dealing with toxic ex's. Still we were crazy in love with amazing, constant sex.

 

As the honeymoon phase ended, i started seeing major flags in the relationship: her gambling problems, immaturity, irresponsibility with money, and a speed addiction. We had some blow outs, but there were kids invested in this, i loved her, and we kept trying.

 

Her daughter is a problem child, and she'd been a pretty lousy mother. I invested a lot of resources into straightening her out, and her mother. My girlfriend was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and quit her job. I again spent a lot investing in her, and became the sole provider for the family. (Her baby daddy is over $10,000 in arrears, and she won't take action.)

 

During this time, i still tried to play the good father and boyfriend. We had fights, mostly stemming from resentment (for obvious reasons.) i started drinking more often, numbing to cope. And around this time, she became resentful towards me for being stagnant and not battling with my ex to change things with my kids. (Angered me, because it felt like a bull**** double standard.) This was last fall.

 

Now, for about 2 months, she's been saying she's thinking about leaving, but says she isn't sure what she wants. There was even a period about 4 weeks ago where she'd disappear every night for a week---in my car----to go do speed with her friends. This was her version of needing space...

 

I finally had enough. She started with her usual "blame her bad decisions on me"-speech, and i let her have it. How she did nothing to help the situation, doesn't do housework, using everything as an excuse to be bad, lousy mother, wasting money, etc.

 

I told her that we owe it to ourselves and our kids to actually try and make this work, and she needs ti grow up.

 

This was a week and a half ago. She's been clean. Bedroom's been sexless. And now she's starting again with " don't know what i want."

 

I do love this woman, and her daughter's been calling me daddy for 2 years. I've already accepted that this is probably over, but still miss her and love her.

 

Do i have her move into her parents and play " no contact"? Not sure cohabitation is helping.

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There's a lot of fear at play here:

 

Fear of kids losing family

 

Fear of her actually being done with me

 

Fear of her wanting to go back to her abusive ex, to give daughter her "fantasy" family

 

Fear of this whole thing being a mistake

 

Fear that i need to leave her, even though i love her

 

 

I just don't know what to do...

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I'm so sorry to say, I don't think it's healthy for you to stay. She is not a healthy and stable partner with whole you can build a life and a family.

 

It breaks my heart because there are children involved, but there were SO MANY red flags along the way that you missed. I would suggest that you find a counsellor to help to decide what to do and to help you to understand how you got yourself so deeply involved in such an unhealthy situation in the first place (so that it doesn't happen again!).

 

Best wishes.

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Addiction and drugs in the household with young children is really NOT a good situation. How long before one of them gets ahold of the speed?

 

Allowing her to take your car knowing she's doing drugs is stupid.

 

I know you've invested a lot in this child who sees you as a father, and this is a very, very difficult situation, but this woman is a mess, and you should not want that around your children or for this woman to play a role in raising them. Her own child is "messed up," and you're kids aren't going to get out of this unscathed either.

 

Your ex wants to change the parenting agreement. I'm assuming she's trying reduce parenting days, change custody. I'm guessing she knows what a dangerous mess this woman is, and your increased alcohol intake, and I agree with her. I would not allow my children to stay in your drug infested, crazy household.

 

Get a grip. You're not just dating for you, you're dating for your children. If it was you alone, it would still suck, but you've plopped your kids into this dangerous mess.

 

You need stability and a healthy relationship for yourself and for your children.

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There is an element of "white knight syndrome" in your post, and I would just like to add that you can not save this woman and her children. She has addictions and mental health issues... these are things that you can't change.

 

As hard as it is to see her children suffer, as act00 says, you have a responsibility to your own children to provide a healthy and safe home. This is not possible with a woman who has addictions and mental health issues. It is true, if your ex wife is aware of the things that are happening in your home, she may well want to limit your time with your children and she would be justified for doing exactly that.

 

You really need to think about the responsibility you have to your own children and start making some better decisions. You jumped way too quickly, and now you have deal with the consequences of your lack of due diligence.

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The only way for her to straighten out is to stay out of the relationship....you wonder why things got worse and not better??...I will tell you why...you are an enabler. You kept giving her financial support, took care of her kid, the household and the relationship..you did everything for her. Now it's time for YOU to cut her off for her own good. This is your intervention....

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Update: well, i left her.

 

Well done but if you are worried for her daughter it is best you report her to social services.

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Update: well, i left her.

 

Keep it that way. It's a bad relationship and you should never go back. It's not fixable.

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