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Should I dump him?


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I've been seeing this guy for the last 5 months. It started casually, but over time we started planning real dates and after two months he suddenly started spending his whole weekends with me (since I thought that he wasn't ready for commitment, I said well why not try and see how it goes). We do PDA and are exclusive.

 

However... he is a very passive person in all aspects of his life. Had problems with school and with friends for this. Since I am the opposite, at first I thought OK, I can lead a bit more and see how he responds. He doesn't have many friends (due to his previous relationship that ended a year ago, where somehow he managed to lose many of them) so I didn't see it as something bad inviting him more to our social gatherings.

 

I met his parents and all of his friends, so it's not like he's been hiding me from them.

 

However, over time the dynamic took a turn that I oversaw, which is that I am initiating way too much. He always accepts the plans, and we do meaningful things (example, last weekend we went hiking, then had a beer with some friends etc.), but he rarely initiates. This applies to communication too, which to me seems way too little. We established that our schedules don't permit us to see each other over the week, but that the weekends are ours. We had one conversation not long ago about this non-initiating thing, where I point blanc asked him if he is interested enough in the relationship to continue because his non-initiating seems like lack of interest. He was trying to convince me that this is not the case and that he thinks about me a lot but that "his head is like a rented apartment where many people enter and by the time he concentrates on the first people that came in there are already new people coming in and he didn't process what the first ones wanted". Don't really know how to understand that, sounds a bit ADD.

 

This week I did a little experiment, I didn't initiate anything to see what happens. One text on Friday at 6 pm to invite me to something at 7pm, told him I already made plans and that he can call me tomorrow if he wants to make plans. Didn't call still.

 

Case of extreme all-aspects-of-life flakiness or not interested?

Edited by Aayla
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You state that you already found him to be extremely passive.

 

I suspect you expected that as your relationship grew, he would be more assertive. This has not happened.

 

If he is extremely passive, he's just waiting for you to take the lead.

 

This behavior could also mean he is not interested, because if he was, he would take some initiative.

 

Long-term, do you think you could function with this type of relationship, where you always have to dictate, plan, and question if he is okay with your choices and isn't resentful? I imagine getting him to communicate his wants and needs is like pulling teeth.

 

I think I would be letting this one go. You want a man, not a child.

 

I can't really say "flakiness" or "not interested." I'm going with flaky for now. And the guy has no concept of time. He gives you an hour to get ready and travel to said destination?

 

He has already suffered consequences of his passivity around school and friends, and I think you are quickly joining the list.

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Life lessons

Actions speak louder than words. If he isn't initiating contact at all, I don't see how he can have interest in you. Most times, if a guy has interest, he will reach out...,I think especially so if the female hasn't made contact for several days. Just my opinion though.

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Yep, getting him to communicate his wants and needs IS like pulling teeth. I try but yeah, can't really understand what's up with that. Why a guy would lie about his interest when he clearly sees that the problem is not going away? I offered him an escape plan, and he still chose to stick around.

 

We had a similiar situation before Christmas where he somehow managed to forgot that we had a date Thursday and not Friday and didn't show up. I got very angry and told him that if he doesn't put any effort it's over. I guess he got scared of losing me 'cause that particular weekend was the first one we spent together like 3 days in a row and he organized everything.

 

Yeah I expected more assertivity because, on the other hand, he is capable to call up his best friend a lot but I am somehow not treated that way. Which is why my suspicion goes to "not interested".

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Yep, getting him to communicate his wants and needs IS like pulling teeth. I try but yeah, can't really understand what's up with that. Why a guy would lie about his interest when he clearly sees that the problem is not going away? I offered him an escape plan, and he still chose to stick around.

 

We had a similiar situation before Christmas where he somehow managed to forgot that we had a date Thursday and not Friday and didn't show up. I got very angry and told him that if he doesn't put any effort it's over. I guess he got scared of losing me 'cause that particular weekend was the first one we spent together like 3 days in a row and he organized everything.

 

Yeah I expected more assertivity because, on the other hand, he is capable to call up his best friend a lot but I am somehow not treated that way. Which is why my suspicion goes to "not interested".

 

You are putting up with his behavior and your not happy about him. It might be time to consider to change things for the better and find someone else who won't be playing games with you. You can't figure him about because maybe he doesn't really know what he is doing either. Sit down and talk to him about things. If you don't want more of the same. You wait for him and then he doesn't deliver. He gives the best friend more attention then he does you. That's a bit odd to say when your suppose to be the one he's interested in more. There comes a time for you to rethink your position about this so call relationship if you can call it that. You have to decide stay or go? Is there something better yes but it takes time to find the right guy. That's why most just tolerate these sort of relationships. There is not escape from it but the truth is there is!

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Thank you for your opinions, they gave me a bit of an insight.

 

There is an additional detail that I have become aware of today, it probably won't save the relationship but at least it might explain a few things...

 

so he calls at 7 pm to see if I have plans, I tell him I am meeting some friends to go to a dub party and ask him to join if he wants to. He says that he's not really interested in dub but that he'll give me a call later to meet up and try to organize something with his friends. Long story short we are texting around midnight because we're both bored and I ask him were he is (I was looking for a better plan), he tells me that he stayed in at the end because "he only has one friend and that friend couldn't go". This is actually true... also he lives almost two hours from the city center so I also understand that going out to meet me at 2 am isn't really motivating. So he suggested meeting up tomorrow.

 

So it made me wonder, could this be the case of male pride? Like, I don't wanna appear like a looser for not having a group of friends so I'd rather stay home and say nothing about it? Not trying to justify his behavior, but I can understand to a certain point that someone who lost all of his friends over his last gf might be scared ****less of doing it again, and since we were spending whole weekends together well it might have became choking.

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Its interesting what he said about his head being like a rented apartment. It sounds to me like he finds it difficult to focus on lots of things at once and this also extends to people. For example, when he was dating his ex, he lost most of his friends because he got so wrapped up in her that he forgot about the other people in his life. Perhaps is explains why he doesn't initiated anything - he is not capable of focussing enough attention on you to consider making plans.

 

I am not sure about what's going on in his head but he sounds like hard work to me. In terms of dumping him, I would say yes definitely. Because if you feel that concerned about him not taking a lead, then this is a fundamental need in the relationship that he cannot fulfill. Well he tries, but nothing happened. So you are best suited to a man who can take the lead and isn't so passive.

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I don't think there's a real problem or hidden motivations with his behavior. But I do suggest that you stop analysing him, and just accept things as they are. That is who he is.

 

I know quite a few people just like him, And I can tell you that In time it doesn't get any better, only worse. The most bothering thing is that after you told him that if he doesn't put any effort it's over, he changed himself, but only for a few days, he reverted back to his pattern. Bad sign.

 

You should stay or not according to what you get now. It won't change.

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Cookiesandough

Just don't initiate and if it never dawns on him to make plans do see you there's your answer

 

He should be like "hey I haven't seen you in five weeks. do you have plans tonight?"

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Hahaha, yes, I think this is exactly what's going to happen... At the moment I think I will concentrate on my social circle and myself more, and see if he makes any initiative at all to see me. If not, as you said, that's my answer. Totally agree that being a mommy is a total turn-off.

 

Its interesting what he said about his head being like a rented apartment. It sounds to me like he finds it difficult to focus on lots of things at once and this also extends to people. For example, when he was dating his ex, he lost most of his friends because he got so wrapped up in her that he forgot about the other people in his life. Perhaps is explains why he doesn't initiated anything - he is not capable of focusing enough attention on you to consider making plans.

 

This is true, he is capable of really focusing on only one thing at the time and doesn't seem like lying about it. His whole life he had trouble with hyperfocusing on one thing - now it's guitar (he's a professional musician), before it was video games, before it was drugs, before it was the girlfriend... he goes from extreme to extreme. This is why at some point I suspected ADD. Can't focus/hyperfocusing, very forgetful, constantly beating himself up for being so disorganized, impulsive, can't seem to hold a job, easily distracted...

 

Of course this does me little good, but if this may be the case dunno, I would still break up with him but would try to be more considerate since it would mean that he hardly controls it.

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Have you approach him about the possibility of him having ADD?

 

Why complain about his behavior, when you can be adult about it and bring up your concerns.

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Well, even if he has it, it doesn't really change the fact that it has became unbearable.

 

But let's suppose that this might be the case - I am not sure how I would tell to someone's face "hey have you considered that you might have a mental issue?" without the person being very offended. Especially if it's not a years-long relationship between you two.

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Well, even if he has it, it doesn't really change the fact that it has became unbearable.

 

But let's suppose that this might be the case - I am not sure how I would tell to someone's face "hey have you considered that you might have a mental issue?" without the person being very offended. Especially if it's not a years-long relationship between you two.

If you are invested in each other, then it could be brought up. Sounds to me you are not so scratch that and I agree, just dump him and move on.

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TunaInTheBrine

Hi Aayla,

 

Well, the good news is that he IS into you.

 

All ADD analyses aside, I will tell you that it is common for some men (especially alpha males) to leave most of the initiating and pursuing in a relationship to the woman. Men - at least the mature ones - direct their energy toward their mission and purpose, and don't make the woman they're seeing the center of their world. This seems to attract women more than when the man is the one pursuing and initiating. That's been my experience, at least. It seems to have hooked and intrigued you a little too, even if you're frustrated by it now.

 

It is up to you whether or not you want to break up with him over this. You could try talking with him more about it, but know that it ultimately may or may not change into what you're hoping for. If everything else in the relationship is fine, then ask yourself: is this really worth breaking up over? Do you know what exactly feels so injurious about him not initiating as much as you that you're willing to call things off? Maybe it's just me going off of what limited information I have about your relationship here, but I think if this is the worst part of your relationship, the two of you are doing okay.

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Thank you for your opinions, they gave me a bit of an insight.

 

There is an additional detail that I have become aware of today, it probably won't save the relationship but at least it might explain a few things...

 

so he calls at 7 pm to see if I have plans, I tell him I am meeting some friends to go to a dub party and ask him to join if he wants to. He says that he's not really interested in dub but that he'll give me a call later to meet up and try to organize something with his friends. Long story short we are texting around midnight because we're both bored and I ask him were he is (I was looking for a better plan), he tells me that he stayed in at the end because "he only has one friend and that friend couldn't go". This is actually true... also he lives almost two hours from the city center so I also understand that going out to meet me at 2 am isn't really motivating. So he suggested meeting up tomorrow.

 

So it made me wonder, could this be the case of male pride? Like, I don't wanna appear like a looser for not having a group of friends so I'd rather stay home and say nothing about it? Not trying to justify his behavior, but I can understand to a certain point that someone who lost all of his friends over his last gf might be scared ****less of doing it again, and since we were spending whole weekends together well it might have became choking.

 

He's not a good BF to have I would have jump up and out to be with you. Some guys don't think twice and this is the sort of behavior you end up with. Neither one of you seem to be interested in to see the other. What gives? What do you want to see this guy and he's not acting like he wants too or not. Lets us know how you make out today with him? This is getting pretty interesting to see what happen next.. I feel you still care about this guy.

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Well, even if he has it, it doesn't really change the fact that it has became unbearable.

 

But let's suppose that this might be the case - I am not sure how I would tell to someone's face "hey have you considered that you might have a mental issue?" without the person being very offended. Especially if it's not a years-long relationship between you two.

 

Well there is something going on mentally with him ADD or ADHD or HSP. But again right now you need to see what's going to happen next. He needs to follow through.

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Yes, I do care about him eh.

 

Well, I am meeting him in an hour or so, so we'll see how it goes. I am feeling pretty emotionally exhausted by now, not sure how to act around him.

 

Hi Aayla,

 

Well, the good news is that he IS into you.

 

All ADD analyses aside, I will tell you that it is common for some men (especially alpha males) to leave most of the initiating and pursuing in a relationship to the woman. Men - at least the mature ones - direct their energy toward their mission and purpose, and don't make the woman they're seeing the center of their world. This seems to attract women more than when the man is the one pursuing and initiating. That's been my experience, at least. It seems to have hooked and intrigued you a little too, even if you're frustrated by it now.

 

I don't really think that he thinks a lot about his behaviour, he's pretty immature. You are right that he does have a "mission", he told me he feels like he has to obsess more over music because that will push his carrier in the right direction. Now, I don't really know if this can be qualified as "interest" eh :( it's interesting to me that when I propose to spend the weekend together he complies, but when I let him organize it himself he gets super lazy and plans don't happen. For a person that wants it's space so much one would expect that he wouldn't sacrifice whole weekends for me.

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If you want things to change, and you want to keep invested, then you need to have a discussion or a few discussions about it with him......if you don't you are just going to receive the same treatment. Communication is key to a healthy relationship.

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Well, I tried to gently start a conversation about it when we saw each other on Sunday, but he seemed really unwilling so I didn't push the issue. He adverted the conversation to video-games and cartoons hahaha I just looked at him and thought... OK, so this is who you are.

 

Thing is I saw him in a different light that day. He seemed like a genuinely lost person who is trying to handle it all at once. At my teasing that it seems that he is telling me what I want to hear, he gave me this phrase "I run, just like with everything in my life".

 

Bottom line I started to feel sorry for the guy.

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One thing that occurred to me is that if he is this passive, he's going to avoid conflict like the plague. ANY conflict. It could be as small as asking him what kind of soda he wants ("whatever is fine"). He'll agree to something he doesn't want to do, then show up late or not show at all. It's easier to apologize and ask forgiveness then it is to say "no" or say you want to do something different. This will lead to resentment and he will blow from time to time, stating "We always do what YOU want," and you'll be left flabbergasted because you asked him some "million" times what he wanted to do. Then there's the silent treatment. He avoids conflict, so he won't SAY anything, just ignore and pout until YOU blow up, "What is wrong with you?" You argue and he shuts down, fast, and nothing gets resolved.

 

Yes, I have walked this walk, and while I still can't say he's not into you as a reason for his behavior, I can say this is a very difficult relationship to maintain. I divorced it, but my husband was his own ball of passive-aggressive abusiveness, so you can't plug this into the sphere of any "normal".

 

He needs to learn to use his voice. Tread lightly. I'm not saying that he's not worth trying for, but know when to cut your losses. The level of anxiety over just a few months is enough to question if this is worth it, cuz marriage and babies don't make it any easier.

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My ex Husband was like this. Extremely passive with ADD. Couldn't focus on 1 thing, including me, unless I initiated. Activities, conversation...almost everything.

 

I knew this going into the relationship, and we had a good 10 years together.

 

It was the external chaos and disorder (messiness and clutter) that drove me bat*hit crazy.

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act00 and 1fish2fish, I see you have long term experience with this profile of men. Since you've already been married once, I'll assume that I am somewhat younger than you, which is why your advice resonates even more - what were the GOOD parts in it for you? I am asking because I seem to attract this type of men even after doing therapy to try to avoid old patterns, the only difference is that I recognize it quicker now. So I wonder, why did YOU stay that long?

 

Everything you said is correct,it's exactly who he is. A very talented and sensitive but very lost individual who can't get it together for anything. Passive, passive-agressive at times, possibly ADD (lot's of musicians tend to have it). And yes, most of the time we do what I want, and it tends to drive me nuts. It's almost like he doesn't have an opinion. But then sometimes I don't know, we take a walk and he's be like "I didn't really wanna go, you made it sound like something my mother would make me do".

 

He never disrespected me though, he always tells me that he appreciates my emotional intelligence and that I have valid complaints.

 

The only thing I give him credit for at this point is that at least he admitted that he is a total disaster with everything, I feel kind of bad for him. He doesn't say it to save his own ass, he really does feel down. Today I suggested something to do and he said he'd loved to, moved his schedule a bit (he gives guitar classes, they are normally fixed so this is an inconvenience for him but he still did it) and will be meeting me today. I joked about our schedules how they never seem to work cause we have so many things going on and he said "no, it's really my life that doesn't work with the rest of the world eh".

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If he isn't going to own it, then nothing is going to change.....not your problem to fix, this is on him. He is in denial, and he won't do anything about it until he hit rock bottom. If you keep coddling him, he's going think it's acceptable.

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Eternal Sunshine

I dated a man like this, we had multiple conversations and he never changed long term. That's just who he is.

 

I was a lot more assertive in complaining and nagging him over it, then finally got frustrated and ended it.

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